Why my reproductive schedule is none of your business

It's very common for people to get the eager questions from friends and family following a year or two after a wedding. "When are you going to have kids?". In your attempt to open a casual conversation, you may have just hurt the person you loved with a very very personal question.

You see there are some people who don't want kids, there are couples who have fertility issues and then there's a couple who just as of last week experienced a miscarriage.

My reproductive schedule is no ones business but my own with my husband. People need to learn that their invasive questions can seriously carry some hurt. I'm tried of people not realizing how hurtful they're being with what they feel is a very simple question.

That co-worker you just teased saying "you're next" or "So and so beat you." is now a crumbling mess because she just got news yesterday that her pregnancy is not viable but you won't know that because she suffers in silence taking each jab deeper than the next with every harmless comment you make. She is now reminded of her empty womb that once carried a tiny life.

That Daughter or Daughter in law that you just said "When are you going to make me a grandmother/father?" May now be feeling the weight of her infertility struggles even more. You think they aren't trying but truth is she and her partner have been going back and forth to the fertility clinic for the past 5 months after a full year of trying to get pregnant on their own. If you looked at her arms you'd see the small burises from all of the blood work she's endured. Her hidden belly riddled with poke marks from the fertility medication she's taking every day in hopes to one day be a parent.

The friend you just asserted "When you have a child there is no greater love" just felt the sting of your words as they've decided as a couple that they do not wish to have children. But your assertion makes them feel like they aren't deserving of a 'family' title because they don't have kids by choice or by circumstance. You've just put down her choices and implied the love she has for her husband and possible fur babies pale in comparison to the amazing love you get to feel now that you have kids.

People STOP asking about other peoples reproductive choices. Stop joking about potentially hurtful topics. I hope that this message reaches one or two people who may have done something similar above to a friend. You don't know everything going on in peoples life and you could have just turned a great day into one of grief and sorrow. Choose your words and understand their potential impact on someone else.

Faces of Infertility/Loss Letter series - Looking for people to feature!

Over the next little bit I'd like to open the floor up to my readers and fellow members of the Infertility and or Loss Community. I'd like to hear from you and  have you participate in my new letter series “Faces of Infertility/Loss” or  “A face of an infertility/loss supporter” . It's time this blog saw some other faces of infertility in hopes to help others going through the same thing.

Here's what I need from you:
If you could write a letter to a family member or friend about your journey who has been supportive or insensitive what would it say? Would you thank them for listening and being a shoulder to cry on? For their understanding even when they hadn’t been through what you have? Would you kindly tell them how their comments have hurt you in the past? If you were able to write such letter(s) what would they say?

You can do this anonymously by using Alias’ or you can share as many details about yourself as you'd like (that part is up to you and I will completely respect those wishes). Share your own blog in your story or use pen names.

I’m also accepting letters from some supporters. Just for them to be able to write an encouraging letter to a family member or friend who is struggling.

Please send all stories to amandanicole1828@gmail.com  Please include a brief story about your struggle or if you’re a supporter a brief story about yourself and the relationship you have with the person you’re writing the letter to.  Along with any added details you'd like shared. This is a great opportunity for you to share how you feel and perhaps someone else will really resonate with your story and your feelings. I'll email you the link when your story has gone live.

This little being...

I recently came upon a post that had something very moving that I wanted to share. I'm not sure or the original source but I think it's very beautiful.

"Trust that this life force came into your life to give you something, to open your heart a little wider. That this being had a purpose and fulfilled it and moved on. That this being came to clear the way in some way for the child that is meant to grow and stay."

I'm finally at a point where reading something like that doesn't cause me to ball my eyes out. Right after we lost Angela I was sent a few messages with quotes about angel babies. I have to say each one I just couldn't get through. Mind you it was still very raw at that time (like days) I loved what they sent but it hurt to read. Now going back it helps the healing process later on in the grieving stages.

The above quoted text just feels right, and brings me a huge amount of comfort for all of the angels we lost in 2012 < 3

"One day it'll be your turn"

"One day it'll be your turn"

After the pathology report things have changed in a drastic way. I felt a lot of closure in knowing the pathology report and more of an it was supposed to happen over my body stopping a perfectly normal pregnancy. We're still mourning but it has offered us that ray of hope that perhaps this was a one time thing and the steps we took to help the pregnancy is going to still work when we get our sticky healthy baby bun in the oven.

I think this is the acceptance part of grieving. I've accepted what was and am finding myself moving on, never forgetting but seeing some kind of light at the end of the tunnel. The quote in the beginning of this post is something I'm finding myself saying a lot. I remind myself when I get overwhelmed or see a pregnancy that I can be happy for them while reminding myself 'one day it'll be you. With that reminder it gives me something to look forward to.

At this point all we can do is say "Ok what are our next steps." Standing still won't get us results and well lets get to it when we're ready. One step, one moment at a time I've promised myself.. we'll get there. The only realistic option Paul and I have is to keep fighting for what we want in life. So fight we will.

"I never said it would be easy; I only said it would be worth it." ♥

Pathology report - Triploidy

Today my husband and I found out that our LO that passed away was a girl. So we've named her Angela. We also were told that she had a rare abnormality called Triploidy. Basically she had double x chromosomes (69, xxx). Sometimes this is a rare occurrence while in other women it's a problem with her eggs. Since we've had 4 losses they're advising we seek Genetic counseling. Because I'd rather know now then later on we're going to go ahead with the genetic counseling. If it's shown that I'm the culprit or my DH then we will have no choice but to proceed with IVF with genetic testing done on the eggs prior to fertilization. This is a bit scary for me because I always thought we'd be able to get by just doing IUI's.

Today is a sad but happy day. I'm grateful that our child didn't have to be born to us only to live at most 10 months. I wouldn't want her in any kind of pain and from the sounds of it there would have been. I'm saddened because well the obvious we lost our little girl what my husband was right on guessing what it was.

I'm glad we have some answers and a clue that has prompted us to dig even further into this journey. Thank you all for your thoughts and help throughout this tough journey we've had thus far.

 I was wondering is if any other women out there had this diagnosis and it turned out to be her. Please message me. The internet is showing rather sparse advice or even stories. So I'm kind of walking in the dark here.

The nitty gritty

I've been posting a lot about the emotional side to what we've been going through but I feel I've left out a lot of our journey from a technical stand point. I want my blog to not only be something others can relate to but also find informative as I know I've always scoured the internet for certain answers. So I wanted to provide you all the opportunity to learn from what I've been through. If you have any questions please feel free to email me amandanicole1828@gmail.com or leave a comment and I will try my best to answer or point you in the direction to a place that can better answer your questions.

After our 4th loss I took some down time but deep inside I've been yearning to find answers. So after searching for some answers I was strongly urged by more then a few women to seek out another doctors help who would work with my Reproductive Endocrinologist. I have to admit I was hesitant at first and I still don't know where I mustered the guts to call but I did. I called this other doctor. He is a Reproductive Immunologist. Which is a bit different then an RE in that they focus heavily on auto immune problems. The doctor I sought out practices in NY, NY. His name is Dr. Braverman. We have a free 10 minute phone consult with him come December 12th and I'm nervous. We're just going to chat with him and do a brief patient history. Then we'll have to at least go down once to see him. ( I have never been to the "Big Apple" before so why not ;) ) The most amazing thing is that when I spoke with my RE's office they were completely for working with this RE and have done so in the past with other patients. Knowing that your RE's office can do this to me says a lot about their Character and what they stand for. Some offices get their ego's hurt if you seek out another professionals advice or even a second opinion. Mine was completely for it and encouraged it. So here I am filled with a little bit more of hope knowing that these two offices will do whatever is in their power to help us have a viable pregnancy carried to term.

I have been doing a little bit of reading on Immune issues. I'll share with you bits and pieces of what I read. Most of what I'll share will be off of the FAQ section of the Fertility Friend Forum section for women with Immune system infertility. I've also been doing some reading up on my PCOS. Ever opportuanity I have to learn something about it is one step forward. I went back into my blood tests and I found that my AMH levels were very high into PCOS range, which I never really connected the dots to. I'm still on metformin and probably will be for the rest of my life. I recently purchased a book called the PCOS Workbook. I'm just getting into it but will let you know how I found it. So far I find it to be very interactive (if you like this kind of stuff (writing things down) then this may be for you).

Here is a basic overview that some of you may find interesting about immune system infertility. I never knew that there could be something more to this. Nor that there was more medicine that could possibly help us. Knowing there may be more answers to me at least gives me that hope I need right now. Even if something is wrong with me I'd rather hear it so we can be proactive and 'fix' it.

(Please note with anything medical that I post here it does not mean it's written by a medical professional. Please always consult your doctor and never self diagnose/ treat. It could do you more harm then good)

Do I have immune system problems? 
(http://www.fertilityfriend.com/Circles/viewtopic.php?t=2569485&start=0)
It is hard to know whether one has immune system problems. Sometimes there are obvious signs like repeated miscarriages or failed transfers of good embryos on IVFs. Lot of times it is just the intuition that there is something wrong in that area. Things to consider are family history of autoimmune problems, miscarriages that happen earlier and earlier or few miscarriages followed by no implantation at all as well as having no positive pregnancy tests at any point. Any of those can be due to immune system issues. The immune system issues can either prevent implantation altogether or cause repeated pregnancy loss. Immune system issues can also cause ectopics as the embryos have an easier time implanting in the tubes where the inflammation and/or high NK cell activity are not present.

There are two types of immune system issues: autoimmune and alloimmune issues. Autoimmune issues are common when either the woman or her family has other autoimmune issues. Other autoimmune illnesses are for example
- endometriosis,
- adenomyosis,
- thyroid problems,
- celiac disease,
- eczemas
- allergies,
- asthma,
- autism etc. (see a list here). Alloimmune problems mean that there is a close match with the partner and body rejects the embryo for this reason.

Here is a break down of reasons for repeated pregnancy losses:

• Infection 1%
• Anatomy abnormal 5-10%
• Progesterone level low 20%
• Chromosome abnormal
  - Primary miscarrier (no live births) 7%
  - Secondary miscarrier (one or more live births) 50%
• Immune mechanisms 50%
• Unknown 15%

Which tests do I need?
To test immune system issues, a good set to start with is most importantly the NK cell assay which shows how active the NK cells are in destroying the trophoblast (early placenta) and preventing implantation/causing miscarriages as well as underlying inflammation markers such as Th1/Th2 and Tnf-alpha along with some other inflammation markers of the list (below under tests). The inflammation markers are important because inflammation either causes NK cells to become activated, or NK cell activity causes an increase in inflammation. Therefore, even if the NK cell assay is normal, if there is underlying inflammation, implantation can be prevented when in the presence of an embryo, the immune system flairs up.

For the alloimmune issues, one needs to tests a full HLA-panel as well as DQ-alpha matches.

An additional issue is blood clotting problems. These are tested for under the RPL (repeated loss panel). RPL issues usually only come into play with 2nd trimester losses. So if someone does not get pregnant at all or has early losses, most likely auto- or alloimmune problems are to blame.

How are immune system issues treated?
Typical treatment consists of intralipid infusions for the elevated NK cells, prednisone and lovenox for the inflammation and NK cells (as well as for better egg quality, inflammation can cause poor egg quality) and Neupogen (with Dr. Braverman and Kwak-Kim at least) for the alloimmune matches.

The RPL problems are treated with heparin and baby aspirin typically.

Other things one can do at home are to start an anti-inflammatory diet, i.e. stop eating gluten, dairy and sugar which cause the immune system to flair up. Start anti-inflammatory supplements such as high doses of fish oil (6 capsules per day). Dr. Braverman recommends Maxi-Flavone. Limit exercise during treatment cycles (exercise causes and inflammatory state in the body). Though exercise outside of treatment cycles as over long term, exercise reduces inflammation. Use any relaxation methods. Eat/take antioxidants which reduce radical oxygen species (ROS). ROS are created by inflammation and cause destruction in the body.

Goodbye officially to you

I've heard that it's possible to grow up, I've just never met anyone who's actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don't go our way. We whisper secrets with our best friend in the dark. We look for comfort where we can find it. And we hope against all logic, against all experience, like children, we never give up hope.

Yesterday was our D&C and we said officially goodbye to our LO. The past few days has been utterly miserable. Knowing that you were carrying a lifeless being inside you just was morbid and mentally painful to think about. I found myself over the past few days hoping against all logic that maybe they were wrong, maybe my baby was just turned the wrong way and hiding it's heart. I hoped that come yesterday that maybe we'd be given the biggest miracle of all, but that hope quickly turned to dispare again.

Physically I cannot cry any more, my head just feels like exploding when I do. I know at my grandfathers funeral on Friday it will hit me the hardest (the symbolism and the real.)

My IL's brought me a bunch of flowers which included roses. I'm going to take one of the roses and throw it in the ground with my grandfathers ashes. The rose will be for baby since we can't bury him/ her and another one for him. For now I'm feeling like I can move slightly forward, but am not looking forward to Friday. We've just suffered so much loss this year it makes me feel like it's all a dream.

We spoke with the RE. He came in and gave me a big big hug and told me we'd get there, he was very kind and gentle with regards to everything. They put me under IV sedation since I react poorly to gas by getting really sick. Worked like a charm. They allowed Paul in the room with me while he held my hand and we passed sorrow filled glances... it was really happening. The Dr did an U/S and at first I just couldn't look. When I did it made it very real not seeing that hb again. Paul kissed my forehead and he was ushered out after I went to sleep. He was there when I woke up, perhaps the most comforting sight when I feel asleep and when I woke up.

When I woke up or was starting to I heard the nurse saying she couldn't find documentation about our other losses. (I was pissed I think) Paul said I quickly explained everything in a very factual way. "1 with my obgyn in Jan, 3 with you guys - July, September and November. All 3 of those pregnancies were documented by you guys on my patient portal via blood draws and 3 letters from you saying you were sorry for our pregnancy loss. AND why would I be on the RPL protocol for this pregnancy?" In any case I'm going to address this at our meeting with the NP in 2 weeks. I am going to bring up the lack of documentation or at least consistency. I had to ask if they wanted to do another round of intralipids. This should have been asked at my 6 week appointment by them not by me at my 8 week appointment. I do not know if that would have helped but I feel that they should have kept that well documented and in their protocol. I love my RE's office completely but I do find in that regard organization is lacking, something I need them to understand CANNOT happen next time.
I'm still struggling with do I want to be pregnant again? It sounds bad but it brings me far to much pain then happiness at this point. I know that with our next I won't be able to enjoy the parts I should enjoy. I wont' enjoy the U/s, hearing or even seeing the HB. It truly wont' be a 'big' deal to me. It sounds horrible but how can I believe that it'll be any different until we have our LO in our arms. Next time around it will be the most mentally draining and dreaded thing all in one. Women say they worry about their child with or without loss. I hate to say it but I think the worrying is really different when you have suffered a loss. The anxiety, the unbelievable amount worrying, of sticking yourself with needles (in our case) literally doing everything in our power to sustain. It's just gut wrenching when our efforts fall short each and every damn time.

I'll tell you what though. It woke up this very naive women who thought that because she didn't fail at a lot of things in life that pregnancy would be an easy peasy thing. It's taught me patience which I feel is the most valuable lesson of this all. It taught me life is hard work, not everything is handed to you on a silver platter and it's better to realize this now then to go through life feeling like things should just come to you. This is how I used to be and my goodness from the years it's taken us to, the losses it's just all taught me about life and just how unfair/unperfect it can be no matter how hard I try. 

 
The Dr said we'll go over the pathology report if there was no genetic problems we will do a bunch of other testing on me with regards to immune problems etc. He said he didn't want to do it at first because of the cost. I let him know I will pay whatever we need to, go into whatever debt we need to, to find answers. If we continue this path with no real concrete answers besides PCOS then we will be throwing away more money and experiencing more and more pain with every passing cycle/pregnancy. I 'm a fact girl and I need my facts/answers. I asked him what his recommendation was for when our next steps would be. He said as soon as my levels were to 0 we could do another round. We anticipate possibly diving back in maybe mid Jan / Feb. I don't really know when I'll be ready and maybe I'll be ready sooner then I realize. But I want to give myself a chance to heal.

I want to give myself one time in 3 1/2 years where OPK's, temping, drugs don't matter. I want to devote time to myself, my pets and more importantly my husband and marriage. I want to learn to be happier and it won't happen over night. I need to learn to be fulfilled with the life I currently have. I want to really put my best foot forward with my weight. I say that with every loss but when we get back from Thanksgiving I'm going 5 times a week and am running/swimming my tush off. It's time I stop letting PCOS be my excuse and it's time I stop letting it hold me back the way I have both when I didn't know and when I did.

Overall the D&C wasn't painful at all. I had mild mild cramping after, didn't come close to my normal period pains. Right now it's just a mental recovery. But as I said today I feel at a bit of peace. I'm doing a ton of housework and am getting the house ready for Christmas. I need some cheer in our lives right now and Christmas is a start.

Paul and I are thinking of getting away again, this time local to a log cabin resort and ski. I think now that my healing is starting this has hit Paul harder then it did at first. So I want to be there for him. I want us to be there for eachother. Which we have been but I just don't want him hurting in silence. We received 3 beautiful bouquets of flowers. now I have to figure out where to place them. I'm using today for a leisurely clean of our house, reformatting my computer and knitting a lap afghan. which may be done by tomorrow after our trip. Tomorrow I will be going into work for a half day then heading to my parents for the funeral and for some much needed parent time.

I want to thank you guys for your thoughts, messages, well wishes and prayers. While I do not in the least believe in god, I know my husband does and he appreciates those prayers more then I can ever say. It's a very selfless thing to do and we both appreciate the thought/sentiment.

Not again :'(

Well here I am again our 4th loss this year alone I'm numb and completely devastated. I don't know how much more of this pain I can take. I don't know how much more my husband can take. We felt comfortable we saw a heartbeat twice. Yesterday we were struck with the reality that our baby's heart stopped beating within the past few days. We just told everyone as well, I just don't understand why this is always happening to us. We got the furthest we've ever managed to get 8 weeks 4 days and I'm just in a state of shock that we're going through this again.

At this point I don't know if I want to be pregnant ever again. That's not being dramatic either. I truly don't think some people understand the state of worrying a women with one or more losses go through. Yes everyone worries but when you have the veil lifted and you realize through personal experience how 'unsafe' you are from the realities of this kind of a loss it changes you. I don't know if I can deal with the worrying over and over and over again. Know knowing we've lost so close to our first trimester being up... I won't be able to trust anyone when they try to tell me it'll be ok. I'll stick in my numb feeling and disbelief until .. well I don't know when now. I don't know if my body can handle this. I've been pregnant for 5mths of a year. 2 months for this one and one month for the other 3. Ladies it's dark here... very dark... what am I doing wrong? I have no trust in my body any more I have no faith left in me to muster up. That strength I had last time is gone.. I don't have anymore in me to pick myself up and keep trudging on.. especially knowing the pain that awaits us. I'm broken.. so so very broken.

Be Honest with yourself and your emotions

have you or someone you know been trying for a child for a while?

Do you get upset or get very depressed when those who you love and care for get the one thing you've been yearning for?

From what I've gathered this is very normal. The very first time I felt this way, I was a bit shocked and mildly appaled at my 'reaction' (after I hung up the phone of course). Tears started flowing and I was sobbing uncontrolably. How could I sit there and cry after hearing something that is so joyful. How could I be so selfish to put my life problems and make it about me?

Truth is I wasn't, it was really hard to deal with those emotions. They have become easier to deal with after being honest and open with myself. I litterally had to ask myself "Why are you so upset? What about this situation makes you upset?" I came to the conclusion it had nothing to do with the happiness I had for those I loved. It did have to do with how it was a reminder for me. It reminded me of the failures we've had with TTC. It made me feel like less of a women, it made me feel abnormal and on the inside it made me feel ugly. I fought for a few years with this. I have even been made to feel like my feelings on the matter aren't good and that I should get over it, which was making me look bad. That I should just be happy for people. As easy as it sounds, boy is that a complex situation all together.

I'll tell you all who are suffering with this what worked for me. Do I still cry? Yes. Does it still hurt? Yes. As of now I have not found a way for it not to hurt in one way or another. What I have found is ways to deal with it and accept things for how they are. I have also come to realize that some pregnant women do sometimes take our reactions to heart. So I always always try to explain my emotions and respectfully ask for a little time to 'grieve'. For me that's what happens every time, is I need to grieve for our situation. Consider it a pity party that I feel in the long run helps keep you human.

When I find out a friend is pregnant I congratulate them and show happiness for them, even though my heart breaks I'm not going to let it break while they reveal their news. A

fter the conversation I will let things be. I pull away for a few months, at this time I really don't want to hear how things are progressing, or to really hear about how hard pregnancy is on you. Lets be honest if you've lost a baby or have been trying so long, you get to a point where you feel like "Gosh I wish I had that problem." So to alleviate my disinterest and possible hurting of my friends because of my 'reactions' to their vents, I distance myself. Sometimes this can happen without verbal notice. Most of the time I'll sit down and chat with them. Above all I don't want to hurt them, but I also want to take the time to tend to my self and my emotions, if I don't it could get worse. So about a month after they've revieled and the initial "Congrats" has worn off, I'll then explain things. I have been so blessed to have 100% understanding and supportive friends. So this talk hasn't been long nor did they ever leave thinking I was being selfish. Or so I think and hope. I let them know just my raw feelings. I'm honest with them and let them know it's not them, rather how it reflects on our situation. It makes everything a bit more real. I also let them know that I want them to have my genuine love and support. So that in a few months when I ask how things are going, it's to show you "Hey I'm ready to help you out and be there." Pregnant ladies please please try to understand what it's like to see someone with something you've been wanting. Yes it's a bit of jealousy, but a lot of it is a very painful realization every time someone says they're having a child. To have that happen over and over again, the heartache is truly hard to explain. I promise if you respect our request for space and time, you won't regret it.

You may also find yourself needing time shortly after you see the baby for the first time. Realize it's ok. You just need time to adjust to things. It's all about adjusting phases in life and slowly becoming ok with things. That's OK!

So through all of my ramblings, I guess my summary is that it's ok to feel that way. Don't ever however make the grieving poisionis. Nothing is worse then to say "So and so isn't ready, she doesn't deserve a baby. She's not married, has no money." We should never stoop that low in our time of pain. That's where you'll probably make it harder for yourself to 'heal' and possibly make yourself very very bitter about anything pregnancy related. I did that in the beginnings of this process and it didn't help me. I mean who was I to sincerely judge if a person should have the opportunity to be a mother? Why was I letting my hatred get the best of me like that?


It's ok to realize that the hurt comes from a place of sincerity. That you're hurting, that you feel like you're letting your husband down. Or that there's something wrong with you. For me it just makes me feel like less of a women because I can't do what seems to come very easily for others. Since our loss this feeling has amplified a bit. But since being 'honest' with my emotions and reactions overall things have gone smoother. It doesn't leave me feeling hatred, just saddened. I will say it has helped me get to a point of 'peace' quicker.

I wish all of you so much love and peace in your hearts. I hope that one day you will all have what it is you've been longing for.

Going 20 in a 55

Related to my recent post In the Blink of an eye...


Do you ever feel like you're standing still while the world passes you by? Like one of those movie clips where a person is walking and the world is literally speeding by them? For some reason that's how I feel now.

I feel like this TTC (trying to concieve) process has caused us to rush rush rush. Even though it's been 3years, I haven't had a chance to truly digest what this process has really meant to me. Ovulation comes you try, then your period comes and you have 2 weeks to prepare to try again. It all goes by so fast. I often marvel at the fact that it's really been this long for us thus far.

Little by little I'm picking up the pieces of my shattered heart. Surprisingly enough the healing process has been a bit better then I thought it would be. The first two days were dark.. very very dark for me. I'd sit there on the couch staring off into space, with no energy to even think. I was dead to the world, and almost myself. When I finally saw my husband yesterday I couldn't leave his embrace. I kept remembering how I was pacing how I was looking for this exact moment. I didn't want to let go, I just needed to be held.

The two days that I went through the miscarriage were as I said very hard on me. Especially since it was alone. Now looking back I think I needed to do it alone. I really think it let me focus on my grieving. It let me cry uncontrollably, it let me hyperventilate without my husband telling me to breath. The tears ultimately needed to be shed. As much as I wanted my husband there it allowed me time alone, to know that I can pick myself back up and that I can comfort myself in a time of need. Now mind you I had an amazing support group even my husband who was miles away, that helped me gather this freakish strength to carry on. GIves me the stregth to ensure that my husband is ok. I know how he's always been a pillar of stregth for me. But I also want him to know I'm here for him if he needs to grieve. He assures me he's ok, but I'll hug him extra tight all the same. I know bad days will come, I know there will be times where we'll cry. I expect that to happen. But today... today's a good day. Today is another step forward, another piece of glue that's dried and helped me and hopefully us regain our stability.

So while the world speeds by, today and hopefully many days to come. I'll remain still, I'll let life take it's course. I'll stop to smell the roses, to enjoy what life is beyond trying to have a child. We'll take it one SLOW and SMALL step at a time.

In the Blink of an eye...

The blog has almost transformed over the past 6 months into a TTC (trying to conceive) blog more then anything. So with that I kind of changed the name a bit to encompass this huge part of my life. What has been a huge part of both of our lives for almost 3 years now (Gosh it's a bit deflating to see that it's been that long). I have been searching out creative means for focus meanwhile I was always neglecting to acknowledge the one thing I was putting all my focus on, getting pregnant. Of course I couldn't find a way to focus on anything else.

TTC is a journey that will for many have many downs and some possible up's. For those who don't want children they perhaps don't fully grasp what it means to know you can't possibly have children or that 'goal is out of your reach. The best way I can equate it to is, it's like any life goal you've had for yourself. Naturally when you can't achieve those goals you are deflated but try harder or for some you give up. Thing is when it really sucks is when someone else determines whether or not you can achieve these goals. That to many is frustrating, deflating and at times a tough pill to swallow. That to me is what TTC is for my husband and I. Knowing that this really isn't in our control. I mean a bit of it is obviously but getting pregnant and staying pregnant, there's not much you can control there.

I write this today with a very heavy heart. I'd hope that my next blog post on here would be that of great news, and utter jubilation. Regretfully, it's with loss and confusion. 5 days ago I took a test at 10 days past my ovulation. To my surprise the pregnancy test came out positive. Hand clasped over my mouth I all but fell over while hyperventilating. "oh this can't be right." I reach for another test. Another faint positive. "OMG.. " tears flow down my face. "This isn't real, it can't be." I call a best friend, in tears saying "I think I'm staring at 2 positive pregnancy tests. A photo confirmation was had 2 minutes later." So I'm not seeing things, it is a positive and 2 at that.

I wipe my tears compose myself and go downstairs to where my husband is watching TV. Not knowing I was about to deliver the news we've been waiting for, for close to 3 years. I was feeling creative but I was also feeling a bit rushed to tell him. I grab my computer and the photo I took. I'm apart of an on-line forum so the context of the conversation was about a 'girl' on the forum who was looking for confirmation of her positive test.

"I said. "So Paul there's this girl on the forum who was asking if she had a positive pregnancy test. Here's the photo. What do you think? I think it may be a positive."

Him: "Yeah I see those two faint lines on the 2 tests. That means it's a positive right?"

Me: "Yes, it's my test."

*blank stare*

Him: "So you're pregnant?" (really confused face)

Then the light bulb goes off and he tackles me with a big hug and a few tears. "

Little did we know what was waiting for us 4 days later...

The following day I take a test and it comes back negative. I tell myself not to worry because it's still early on. The ladies who are apart of the forum also sent encouraging words. So I call my doctor and let her know. A blood test was scheduled for that night.

Day #3 I take a morning test. Another BFP... "oh yay." I was miss perky especially when I took another test at noon and came back with another faint positive. The doc calls and tells me my blood tests came back negative. But I let her know about the positive tests this am. To which she says we'll test again in 5 days and she thinks I am probably pregnant. "Oh yay!"

Day#4
The next day my insane testing habits persist. Another negative. Slowly I'm starting to feel deflated about this. But my husband and ladies on the forum keep my spirits up.

Day #5 Another negative. and I'm getting cramps. My husband is packing his bags to leave on a plane. As soon as he leaves I go to the washroom. Red spotting starts.... cramping gets worse. I try to think positive. "it's implantation bleeding." Hours later the blood flows and my period officially starts.

Alone and confused I fight back the tears and the huge knot in the back of my throat. I pace... I pace a lot. I go to the kitchen, back to the living room.. then back to the kitchen. I'm looking for something and I don't know what.. I am looking for a hug. Looking to be held onto so tightly that I can't think of anything else but the embrace. Instead the hug comes from an "I love you"from my husband over the phone. And the support of my TTC friends miles and miles away from me.

What happened? I had a chemical pregnancy. What happened is I had an early miscarriage. The term chemical pregnancy to me diminishes the loss. While it's true some women don't even know they're having a miscarriage that early, I'm sure many would be devastated to find out that their late or really heavy period was caused by a pregnancy.

I have been fighting with myself on just how appropriate it is to 'grieve' such an early loss. I have concluded it hurts all the same. I have a huge hole in my soul right now. While it does give me a glimmer of hope that we know I can at least get pregnant. It does leave me with a very very empty feeling. I feel angry and frustrated. I feel lost and very alone. I feel cheated and as if it was all a cruel cruel joke. I feel the weight of reality.


To some this is a small loss. To me it's a miscarriage and one I'll be mourning for a bit. This emotional roller-coaster we were on for 4 days ended in crushing news. With that I need time away from it for a few months. TTC (trying to conceive) is something my husband and I have really only known for almost 3 years. It's become a habit and it's taken away from our ability to kind of just live and enjoy ourselves. With that I've had to with tears in my eyes, say that we're going to stop till May to try again. In the mean time I'll focus on truly getting my body into pregnancy shape. The thought of being pregnant was a euphoric one, but when I looked at my body I didn't really like what I saw. I know I'm a beautiful women and I want to feel that way the next time we find out we're pregnant. I want to be as healthy as I possibly can. We've put SOOO much focus into getting pregnant it really has taken away from me just being able to focus on me and my health. Every month was prefaced with a "We might be pregnant so I don't want to push it. I don't want to cause a possible problem." All of that focus has not allowed me to focus on what I should have been the entire time, my health which would in turn hopefully mean a healthier less complicated pregnancy.

If there's any good that came out of this it's 1. We know conception is a possibility and 2. Time to focus on us for a little while.


As I finish writing this my heart is still heavy but my hopes are slowly being rebuilt.

If you've had a chemical pregnancy know you're not alone. Know you have just as much of a right to grieve. You were pregnant and now you aren't don't let anyone make you feel like you can't feel bad about that fact. Any kind of miscarriage know you're not alone... That you are loved and you have support! Message me any time.