It's been 2 years since we were blessed with our sticky bfp. So much has changed yet in the same breath some things remain the same.
I have sat many times to make this post and each time I end up deleting it. I'm nearing a point where I don't know how well my voice is heard on this topic any more. I'm not sure if I can still speak about infertility because we ended up with a rainbow baby. This has been my struggle for 2 years. Having a community be apart of your life for 4 years is a strange thing to leave. Albiet with great news but you're in a new situation and one you know is hard to sometimes share with those still waiting for their happily ever after.
I feel for everyone still in the fight and I hope all of them get to experience this confusion I still have. Because that means that your journey has been successful.
I have almost fully disconnected from my online communities. Not because I don't care but because I find myself not knowing what to say any more. I miss it but at times I want to do more for the community but in different ways. Walks, donations and helping women locally to me who are going through what we did. I've just helped a friend, well I don't know how much help I was. But the fact that I was sought out for advice and comfort was such an honor. It just squeezed my heart because I know it's not always easy looking for that help and support, especially with friends and family.
Do I still feel the bite of infertility? Yes, it's far less than it used to be. I find that I often compare (horrible thing to do by the way, and isn't useful in any way), I compare journies. And I find myself in a way cynical to someone who may not have gone through the years we did and the time/ money. I find myself rolling my eyes at those expressing they'll never have kids if they've only been trying for less then a year. This comes as a surprise to me, perhaps not to others. But I don't like it. I thought the day I held our daughter in my arms that the bitterness would melt away. It hasn't, it's gotten better over time but I find those thoughts , those negative thoughts just creep back up. What I've been working on is becoming more empathetic towards any and all in the journey with special place in my who went through something similar to us, long time trying combined with losses that specific combination just gets me in the heart and I LEAP for joy when I see those people get pregnant. I need to stop comparing my journey to others and have come to understand that everyone processes their journey differently. Some aren't as strong, some are stronger. Some aren't phased by friends and family getting pregnant, some are. Some can easily show support for others happiness while others can't in their moments of grief. It's okay, it's what makes us human, it's what makes us our own person with our own thoughts and our own coping mechanisms.
As always my heart goes out to those still trying. May you find the support you need to help you through this tremendously tough and spirit testing time. My heart and well wishes are with you.
