I was so very calm prior to this. Mind you I had mild nerves but now on the inside I'm very restless. I can't seem to get it under control. I'm hardly sleeping and I just can't get my head around all of this.
I told my husband in the car the other day. "I'm afraid of waking up and having something go wrong." .. basically I'm petrified of something go wrong and me wake up to having no reproductive parts. It's such an irrational though I know but it's something I can't shake. I don't want to go to sleep for fear that my life will change drastically when I wake up. This is an easy procedure that is done to many women. SO why is it I'm so damn petrified? In truth it's peeving me off a bit that I'm letting it get to me. My husbands been amazing and helps calm my fears. I'm just hoping that in writing this I can get some sort of release, and perhaps a piece of mind.
So far nope lol. I suppose I'm just afraid of the what ifs. No matter how basic the procedure is sometimes things go wrong or something is found. On the plus side at least I'll be rid of these cramps.
Very sorry for this being a rather down post. I just really needed an outlet.
Tag your it ;)
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
The Nitty Gritty of Life
A revelation
A recent failed friendship has made me really evaluate who I am. I know who I am, I'm very secure with myself. More so then I have ever been in my entire life. This self reflection really made me realize how this one wasn't my fault.
To me when you give all of yourself, your talents for free to someone that's a pretty damn good thing to do. When you put everyone else before yourself that's a great friend to have. I strive to please, from my past to now I've realized that's just the type of person I am. I always want to try to get the approval of those around me. With that being said I spread myself most often at times too thin. I try to much for that approval that I loose myself and at times my sanity. I finally got to a point where I had to realize to some people it's just never good enough. No matter how much you do or try that approval just sometimes wont come. This situation literally consumed my every thought. I had never in my life wanted to NOT talk about a situation. This came out of my mouth too much and it got to a point where it was just poisoning me. I wanted to think about other things.
I had to end it and I did. It wasn't easy by any means but one thing I can't allow myself is to be used. This I went to therapy for while I was in college and my husband attended some of those sessions so he and I could understand where my 'anger' and other characteristics come from. I have huge trust issues, where if someone screws me over or takes advantage of me, it's very hard for me to extend that hand of kindness to them again. It's not something for me that has ever been easy. Everyone gets usually one shot with me and if they screw that up I can't take the chance of them doing it again to me so I cut that tie. I don't like being hurt physically or emotionally, if I can prevent it from happening I do.
It's almost like I cut people from my life. I don't like being hurt as I said before so I try to do a quick cut. This cut was a little less than neater but it was what I needed. I always try to serve others wants and needs for once it felt great to do what I needed to do.
Since then honestly life seems less complicated, fun and just overall less negativity in my thoughts.
On another note...
one of my friends who I've connected with so strongly since we've moved. Well her brother just passed away :( It was a construction accident and I couldn't help but feel so very heart broken for her. My friends are my family and to hear her cry over the phone just tore me in two. If I can take away any of my friends pain I would in a second. Out of love and support my husband and I traveled 2 hrs to her parents place whom I've also become close with. We gave them flowers and just went for support. I gave my friend a hug and she cried on my shoulder for a good 3 minutes. I just wanted her to really feel and know that I was there for her if she needed anything. Same with her parents. While I never got to meet her brother he seemed like such an amazing father, fiance and brother. You could tell again that they all appreciated our presence and that was more then enough thanks to us. Sometimes we have to put aside our daily activities to just be there for someone. You'd be surprised what that does for a person.
Man.. I just hate deaths.. :( I don't think anyone likes them "DUH" but it crumbles my soul. All i can do is support those who are hurting and hope that it helps make even a minute easier on them.
Creative Progress
Yesterday after the visit my husband and I went to Walmart to pick up some Yarn. I really want to do something special for our family and perhaps if I get them done in time for friends as well. I want to knit a bunch of blankets. I figured after surgery for the 4 or 5 days that I'll be useless I could really get into the knitting. So far so good :D This is a positive step in the creative progress that's for sure.
A few days ago I also designed 3 new program fans for weddings and also did a few other graphic design things. I then made a necklace and bracelet for my Future Sister in Law. As a happy engagement gift. I have to say I'm very proud of the outcome. I tried a few new things like wire wrapping and the overall results really seem to match my FSIL's vintage tastes :D
I've found that it's been very hard for me to not have anything planned for the day. When I know I have no business stuff going on I feel rather lost. It got really bad this week. I just didn't know what to do with myself. I'd wasted so much time thinking about what I should do that the days just speed by. I've been sleeping horribly and just overall feel very restless... My husband attributes it to the surgery but to me I don't feel that i am nervous about it. I mean I could be but it's certainly the furthest thing from my mind. The knitting even just yeasterday put me at ease.
Health Progress
I have really been making the positive effort towards getting myself back to the shape I was back in University. My eating habits admittedly could be better. blah lol. However on a positive note this past week I went to the gym 3 times and these were my running results.
-----------------
Day 1
Ran straight for 6 minutes
The rest was running 2 mins on 1 min walking.
I ran/walked for a total of:
33 mins
2.2 miles
248 cals
--------------------
Day 2:
I ran for 10mins straight, then my usual on off stuff.
I ran/walked for a total of:
36:30 mins
2.56 miles - reached 2.2 at the 30 min mark
300 cals
-------------
Day 3 (I was a bit deflated but had to remember that I still did something)
I ran for 10.30 seconds straight.
This part I'm very proud of! I ran a mile in that 10mins and 30 seconds. I can't tell you how proud I was to see that I was able to do that.
I ran/walked for a total of: The progress made was making the mile in the time I did. That's fricken amazing for me. so YAY for me :D
16 mins
1.4 miles
? Cals
My next goal is to get my eating habits a bit better. Today I started journaling. So one day at a time right? :D
In closing
Well I think that was a rather robust update :) If you'll see there are little bits of focus' coming together. The more I do the more I feel like I'm actually living. For a while there I just felt like the days were passing me by. Now I feel like I'm OWNING the days :) Living it to the fullest.
A recent failed friendship has made me really evaluate who I am. I know who I am, I'm very secure with myself. More so then I have ever been in my entire life. This self reflection really made me realize how this one wasn't my fault.
To me when you give all of yourself, your talents for free to someone that's a pretty damn good thing to do. When you put everyone else before yourself that's a great friend to have. I strive to please, from my past to now I've realized that's just the type of person I am. I always want to try to get the approval of those around me. With that being said I spread myself most often at times too thin. I try to much for that approval that I loose myself and at times my sanity. I finally got to a point where I had to realize to some people it's just never good enough. No matter how much you do or try that approval just sometimes wont come. This situation literally consumed my every thought. I had never in my life wanted to NOT talk about a situation. This came out of my mouth too much and it got to a point where it was just poisoning me. I wanted to think about other things.
I had to end it and I did. It wasn't easy by any means but one thing I can't allow myself is to be used. This I went to therapy for while I was in college and my husband attended some of those sessions so he and I could understand where my 'anger' and other characteristics come from. I have huge trust issues, where if someone screws me over or takes advantage of me, it's very hard for me to extend that hand of kindness to them again. It's not something for me that has ever been easy. Everyone gets usually one shot with me and if they screw that up I can't take the chance of them doing it again to me so I cut that tie. I don't like being hurt physically or emotionally, if I can prevent it from happening I do.
It's almost like I cut people from my life. I don't like being hurt as I said before so I try to do a quick cut. This cut was a little less than neater but it was what I needed. I always try to serve others wants and needs for once it felt great to do what I needed to do.
Since then honestly life seems less complicated, fun and just overall less negativity in my thoughts.
On another note...
one of my friends who I've connected with so strongly since we've moved. Well her brother just passed away :( It was a construction accident and I couldn't help but feel so very heart broken for her. My friends are my family and to hear her cry over the phone just tore me in two. If I can take away any of my friends pain I would in a second. Out of love and support my husband and I traveled 2 hrs to her parents place whom I've also become close with. We gave them flowers and just went for support. I gave my friend a hug and she cried on my shoulder for a good 3 minutes. I just wanted her to really feel and know that I was there for her if she needed anything. Same with her parents. While I never got to meet her brother he seemed like such an amazing father, fiance and brother. You could tell again that they all appreciated our presence and that was more then enough thanks to us. Sometimes we have to put aside our daily activities to just be there for someone. You'd be surprised what that does for a person.
Man.. I just hate deaths.. :( I don't think anyone likes them "DUH" but it crumbles my soul. All i can do is support those who are hurting and hope that it helps make even a minute easier on them.
Creative Progress
Yesterday after the visit my husband and I went to Walmart to pick up some Yarn. I really want to do something special for our family and perhaps if I get them done in time for friends as well. I want to knit a bunch of blankets. I figured after surgery for the 4 or 5 days that I'll be useless I could really get into the knitting. So far so good :D This is a positive step in the creative progress that's for sure.
A few days ago I also designed 3 new program fans for weddings and also did a few other graphic design things. I then made a necklace and bracelet for my Future Sister in Law. As a happy engagement gift. I have to say I'm very proud of the outcome. I tried a few new things like wire wrapping and the overall results really seem to match my FSIL's vintage tastes :D
I've found that it's been very hard for me to not have anything planned for the day. When I know I have no business stuff going on I feel rather lost. It got really bad this week. I just didn't know what to do with myself. I'd wasted so much time thinking about what I should do that the days just speed by. I've been sleeping horribly and just overall feel very restless... My husband attributes it to the surgery but to me I don't feel that i am nervous about it. I mean I could be but it's certainly the furthest thing from my mind. The knitting even just yeasterday put me at ease.
Health Progress
I have really been making the positive effort towards getting myself back to the shape I was back in University. My eating habits admittedly could be better. blah lol. However on a positive note this past week I went to the gym 3 times and these were my running results.
-----------------
Day 1
Ran straight for 6 minutes
The rest was running 2 mins on 1 min walking.
I ran/walked for a total of:
33 mins
2.2 miles
248 cals
--------------------
Day 2:
I ran for 10mins straight, then my usual on off stuff.
I ran/walked for a total of:
36:30 mins
2.56 miles - reached 2.2 at the 30 min mark
300 cals
-------------
Day 3 (I was a bit deflated but had to remember that I still did something)
I ran for 10.30 seconds straight.
This part I'm very proud of! I ran a mile in that 10mins and 30 seconds. I can't tell you how proud I was to see that I was able to do that.
I ran/walked for a total of: The progress made was making the mile in the time I did. That's fricken amazing for me. so YAY for me :D
16 mins
1.4 miles
? Cals
My next goal is to get my eating habits a bit better. Today I started journaling. So one day at a time right? :D
In closing
Well I think that was a rather robust update :) If you'll see there are little bits of focus' coming together. The more I do the more I feel like I'm actually living. For a while there I just felt like the days were passing me by. Now I feel like I'm OWNING the days :) Living it to the fullest.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Slightly Nervous
As it's been stated we've been going through some testing.
Well I forget if I mentioned it or not but I had a cyst and recently I had an ultrasound to check up on this cyst. It measured in 5cm and on the second check it had not resolved.
I went to the surgeon the other day and surprisingly enough I was very calm. The Dr was very polite and nice as I'm sure many are lol. She's one of the best in this area so knowing that fact I think made it easier. She told me surgery is a must at this point to help promote fertility. So they will be doing a cyst removal, looking for endometriosis both in the uterus and outside, then the final test will be a dye that's used to ensure that the tubes are open and working. At this point while I'll be happy to get pregnant, I'm more or less just happy to get rid of this monthly pain. Pregnancy at this point will be a bonus.
My husband came in a little after I was talking to the Dr. as he was just getting back from his Dr with a clean bill of health. When he came in he was so attentive to me, he even sat on the bed with me. I'm not a PDA person but it felt good and reassuring. I actually think he's more nervous than I am. To me it's not a big deal. We really have only shared what's going on to 3 close friends and our parents. I find there's no need to worry anyone over a small procedure. Well I lied I did tell all the ladies on TN who have been nothing but supportive.
Surgery is scheduled for the 28th of this month and it will be an outpatient procedure. On the plus sides I get to wear sweats and my hubby will be taking care of me after the procedure.
I think the reason why I'm not so nervous is because I have a near and dear friend of mine who has gone through this. There's nothing better than being best friends with someone who UNDERSTANDS what life is like, with the pain and with the infertility. If there's one person who I want to see get pregnant it's this girl. I wish every night that she'll get that blessing. Not to mention is is one of the most maternal women I've ever met. It's so natural for her and it's inspiring to see her with little children. Both her and her husband will make amazing parents. Again it has been so great to have her there for me. I'm not much of a 'talk about me' person, I'm more of an advice giver so sometimes it's nice to have the roles reversed. Not to mention she's a 45 min drive from us which is easy peasy. She's already said they'll be driving out to see me the day of the surgery. Her husband will undoubtedly make fun of my canadianess to which I'll have to have my dog hurt him in my place ;). Kindness like that, and general care for me means more than words can express.
All in all things are going well. I'm perhaps a bit nervous but I'd like to think that's to be expected. Having surgery without my family close and it being my first surgery. But besides that I have a pretty lax attitude about it.
I know this was a pretty boring update but it's an update all the same.
Cheers
Well I forget if I mentioned it or not but I had a cyst and recently I had an ultrasound to check up on this cyst. It measured in 5cm and on the second check it had not resolved.
I went to the surgeon the other day and surprisingly enough I was very calm. The Dr was very polite and nice as I'm sure many are lol. She's one of the best in this area so knowing that fact I think made it easier. She told me surgery is a must at this point to help promote fertility. So they will be doing a cyst removal, looking for endometriosis both in the uterus and outside, then the final test will be a dye that's used to ensure that the tubes are open and working. At this point while I'll be happy to get pregnant, I'm more or less just happy to get rid of this monthly pain. Pregnancy at this point will be a bonus.
My husband came in a little after I was talking to the Dr. as he was just getting back from his Dr with a clean bill of health. When he came in he was so attentive to me, he even sat on the bed with me. I'm not a PDA person but it felt good and reassuring. I actually think he's more nervous than I am. To me it's not a big deal. We really have only shared what's going on to 3 close friends and our parents. I find there's no need to worry anyone over a small procedure. Well I lied I did tell all the ladies on TN who have been nothing but supportive.
Surgery is scheduled for the 28th of this month and it will be an outpatient procedure. On the plus sides I get to wear sweats and my hubby will be taking care of me after the procedure.
I think the reason why I'm not so nervous is because I have a near and dear friend of mine who has gone through this. There's nothing better than being best friends with someone who UNDERSTANDS what life is like, with the pain and with the infertility. If there's one person who I want to see get pregnant it's this girl. I wish every night that she'll get that blessing. Not to mention is is one of the most maternal women I've ever met. It's so natural for her and it's inspiring to see her with little children. Both her and her husband will make amazing parents. Again it has been so great to have her there for me. I'm not much of a 'talk about me' person, I'm more of an advice giver so sometimes it's nice to have the roles reversed. Not to mention she's a 45 min drive from us which is easy peasy. She's already said they'll be driving out to see me the day of the surgery. Her husband will undoubtedly make fun of my canadianess to which I'll have to have my dog hurt him in my place ;). Kindness like that, and general care for me means more than words can express.
All in all things are going well. I'm perhaps a bit nervous but I'd like to think that's to be expected. Having surgery without my family close and it being my first surgery. But besides that I have a pretty lax attitude about it.
I know this was a pretty boring update but it's an update all the same.
Cheers
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