Sometimes it hurts on the inside ...

You know I wish that what I said outloud would convince my heart to feel what I say. I wish that emotions were a thing that could easily be switched off in the blink of an eye. It's just so frustrating to time and time again tell yourself your ok only to be fooled by your emotions. Rather the feeling is betrayal and utter helplessness.

I'm a women who likes to control things. This is no secret to those who know me. I like life to be this huge planned event and I get testy if things don't go according to Plan A. So much so that I rarely have a plan B. So when it comes to certain things that are almost out of my control but I can try as hard as I can and still not get the outcome. I'm notably bothered by it.

One of the things I mastered as a child was to hide my feelings. Bottle it up nice and tight so that nothing would seep through. Then as I got older that bottle cap became more and more worn.

I sat here a while ago and confessed I was ok with the prospect of not getting pregnant. More like I was trying to trick my inner self conciounce to believe that very thing. Deep inside it's a yearning that's hard to subdue from time to time. Especially when people around you are getting pregnant left and right. I find that every time someone finds they are pregnant I feel this huge weight that I've been carrying return to it's full heavy weight. I am hit so hard every time. I litterally want it to stop. I don't like being emotionally unstable like that. Where I cant convince myself that it's ok. That my feelings take over and I'm in tears. It's a constant rinse and repeat of such agonizing pain. I'm not a dramatic person by any means, but I dont' know how many more of these 'announcements' I can handle.

Let me say and firmly state that it's not that I'm not happy for others. I AM COMPLETELY HAPPY for people. The thing that gets me in tears is how it reminds me of what I'm unable to do. It reminds me of this burden I carry, that I'm unable to produce a child for my husband and I. The kicker is that there's no guessing of who is the problem. I know it's me. IT just feels like I'm letting so many people down. To know for 2 1/2 years you've been unable to produce a son/daughter, grand baby, niece or nephew. To know that you are the one in the equation that is stalling it all is painful to relive.

YOu remember that bottle I mentioned before? That's how I'm able to be ok for long periods of time until someone lets me know of their exciting news. Again it's not because of them or what they're getting. It's because of the reminder. I'm tired of putting on a face, tired of keeping everything a secret. Truth is I need support and I don't know who to turn to without becoming a negative nancy record player. I know that I need to find support and soon. I can't carry this and I can't make my husband carry it along with me. I just need to find support. If you know what I mean. It pains me to know my husband is bracing himself every time.

Again I wish emotions were a thing you could switch off. It's overpowering and I'm lost as to how to handle them any more.

Cross Roads: The excitment and caution in the Unknown

I've found many of my life cross roads to begin new chapters in my life. This time is no different. I'm bombarded with more then one cross roads but that each deeply impact the other.

The main one is jobs. 1. Do I continue the job search or 2. Do I go back to school and get my masters? a. If I go back what do I get my masters in? i. Do I continue with Computer Science or do ii. I pursue a business specialty (marketing) (HR) (Accounting).

Then another big one is. I've been looking for jobs locally with no luck. Where we're located there are slim pickings. It's very rural so bigger companies are hard to come by. With this my husband and I must start evaluating if it's time to 'leave' and find a bigger city which will accommodate my husbands career and my own.

My third cross roads is do I even bother looking for jobs or do I just focus on my 2 businesses I've built over 3 years? Both of which are doing well. But as my dad says sometimes it's nice to have that as 'extra' income. Which I agree with.


In summation our goal is to have life get settled for us, a house, kids etc. Find some kind of common ground and a place we can call home. Right now it's hard to come by and frankly the ground we walk on is rather uneasy. At least more 'uneasy' then I'm comfortable with. Inside I know the best way to get our goals is to move and get a job in another state. The unknowns with that is unsettling as well. We moved out to Calgary on a whim and look where it got us. Back east having to live with parents while we got our feed back on the ground. That was a tough part in our life, an adventure but tough none the less. A part of me is scared of that possibly happening again. We're 25 and 27 somethings gotta give and just say "Ok you guys this is where you're supposed to be."

The cross roads are drawing near. Unfortunately we're stuck on which way to go. Consider this my brainstorming/vent post.