Sometimes it hurts on the inside ...

You know I wish that what I said outloud would convince my heart to feel what I say. I wish that emotions were a thing that could easily be switched off in the blink of an eye. It's just so frustrating to time and time again tell yourself your ok only to be fooled by your emotions. Rather the feeling is betrayal and utter helplessness.

I'm a women who likes to control things. This is no secret to those who know me. I like life to be this huge planned event and I get testy if things don't go according to Plan A. So much so that I rarely have a plan B. So when it comes to certain things that are almost out of my control but I can try as hard as I can and still not get the outcome. I'm notably bothered by it.

One of the things I mastered as a child was to hide my feelings. Bottle it up nice and tight so that nothing would seep through. Then as I got older that bottle cap became more and more worn.

I sat here a while ago and confessed I was ok with the prospect of not getting pregnant. More like I was trying to trick my inner self conciounce to believe that very thing. Deep inside it's a yearning that's hard to subdue from time to time. Especially when people around you are getting pregnant left and right. I find that every time someone finds they are pregnant I feel this huge weight that I've been carrying return to it's full heavy weight. I am hit so hard every time. I litterally want it to stop. I don't like being emotionally unstable like that. Where I cant convince myself that it's ok. That my feelings take over and I'm in tears. It's a constant rinse and repeat of such agonizing pain. I'm not a dramatic person by any means, but I dont' know how many more of these 'announcements' I can handle.

Let me say and firmly state that it's not that I'm not happy for others. I AM COMPLETELY HAPPY for people. The thing that gets me in tears is how it reminds me of what I'm unable to do. It reminds me of this burden I carry, that I'm unable to produce a child for my husband and I. The kicker is that there's no guessing of who is the problem. I know it's me. IT just feels like I'm letting so many people down. To know for 2 1/2 years you've been unable to produce a son/daughter, grand baby, niece or nephew. To know that you are the one in the equation that is stalling it all is painful to relive.

YOu remember that bottle I mentioned before? That's how I'm able to be ok for long periods of time until someone lets me know of their exciting news. Again it's not because of them or what they're getting. It's because of the reminder. I'm tired of putting on a face, tired of keeping everything a secret. Truth is I need support and I don't know who to turn to without becoming a negative nancy record player. I know that I need to find support and soon. I can't carry this and I can't make my husband carry it along with me. I just need to find support. If you know what I mean. It pains me to know my husband is bracing himself every time.

Again I wish emotions were a thing you could switch off. It's overpowering and I'm lost as to how to handle them any more.

The Nitty Gritty of Life

A revelation

A recent failed friendship has made me really evaluate who I am. I know who I am, I'm very secure with myself. More so then I have ever been in my entire life. This self reflection really made me realize how this one wasn't my fault.

To me when you give all of yourself, your talents for free to someone that's a pretty damn good thing to do. When you put everyone else before yourself that's a great friend to have. I strive to please, from my past to now I've realized that's just the type of person I am. I always want to try to get the approval of those around me. With that being said I spread myself most often at times too thin. I try to much for that approval that I loose myself and at times my sanity. I finally got to a point where I had to realize to some people it's just never good enough. No matter how much you do or try that approval just sometimes wont come. This situation literally consumed my every thought. I had never in my life wanted to NOT talk about a situation. This came out of my mouth too much and it got to a point where it was just poisoning me. I wanted to think about other things.

I had to end it and I did. It wasn't easy by any means but one thing I can't allow myself is to be used. This I went to therapy for while I was in college and my husband attended some of those sessions so he and I could understand where my 'anger' and other characteristics come from. I have huge trust issues, where if someone screws me over or takes advantage of me, it's very hard for me to extend that hand of kindness to them again. It's not something for me that has ever been easy. Everyone gets usually one shot with me and if they screw that up I can't take the chance of them doing it again to me so I cut that tie. I don't like being hurt physically or emotionally, if I can prevent it from happening I do.

It's almost like I cut people from my life. I don't like being hurt as I said before so I try to do a quick cut. This cut was a little less than neater but it was what I needed. I always try to serve others wants and needs for once it felt great to do what I needed to do.

Since then honestly life seems less complicated, fun and just overall less negativity in my thoughts.


On another note...

one of my friends who I've connected with so strongly since we've moved. Well her brother just passed away :( It was a construction accident and I couldn't help but feel so very heart broken for her. My friends are my family and to hear her cry over the phone just tore me in two. If I can take away any of my friends pain I would in a second. Out of love and support my husband and I traveled 2 hrs to her parents place whom I've also become close with. We gave them flowers and just went for support. I gave my friend a hug and she cried on my shoulder for a good 3 minutes. I just wanted her to really feel and know that I was there for her if she needed anything. Same with her parents. While I never got to meet her brother he seemed like such an amazing father, fiance and brother. You could tell again that they all appreciated our presence and that was more then enough thanks to us. Sometimes we have to put aside our daily activities to just be there for someone. You'd be surprised what that does for a person.

Man.. I just hate deaths.. :( I don't think anyone likes them "DUH" but it crumbles my soul. All i can do is support those who are hurting and hope that it helps make even a minute easier on them.


Creative Progress

Yesterday after the visit my husband and I went to Walmart to pick up some Yarn. I really want to do something special for our family and perhaps if I get them done in time for friends as well. I want to knit a bunch of blankets. I figured after surgery for the 4 or 5 days that I'll be useless I could really get into the knitting. So far so good :D This is a positive step in the creative progress that's for sure.

A few days ago I also designed 3 new program fans for weddings and also did a few other graphic design things. I then made a necklace and bracelet for my Future Sister in Law. As a happy engagement gift. I have to say I'm very proud of the outcome. I tried a few new things like wire wrapping and the overall results really seem to match my FSIL's vintage tastes :D

I've found that it's been very hard for me to not have anything planned for the day. When I know I have no business stuff going on I feel rather lost. It got really bad this week. I just didn't know what to do with myself. I'd wasted so much time thinking about what I should do that the days just speed by. I've been sleeping horribly and just overall feel very restless... My husband attributes it to the surgery but to me I don't feel that i am nervous about it. I mean I could be but it's certainly the furthest thing from my mind. The knitting even just yeasterday put me at ease.


Health Progress

I have really been making the positive effort towards getting myself back to the shape I was back in University. My eating habits admittedly could be better. blah lol. However on a positive note this past week I went to the gym 3 times and these were my running results.
-----------------
Day 1
Ran straight for 6 minutes
The rest was running 2 mins on 1 min walking.

I ran/walked for a total of:
33 mins
2.2 miles
248 cals

--------------------
Day 2:
I ran for 10mins straight, then my usual on off stuff.

I ran/walked for a total of:
36:30 mins
2.56 miles - reached 2.2 at the 30 min mark
300 cals

-------------

Day 3 (I was a bit deflated but had to remember that I still did something)
I ran for 10.30 seconds straight.

This part I'm very proud of! I ran a mile in that 10mins and 30 seconds. I can't tell you how proud I was to see that I was able to do that.

I ran/walked for a total of: The progress made was making the mile in the time I did. That's fricken amazing for me. so YAY for me :D

16 mins
1.4 miles
? Cals

My next goal is to get my eating habits a bit better. Today I started journaling. So one day at a time right? :D


In closing

Well I think that was a rather robust update :) If you'll see there are little bits of focus' coming together. The more I do the more I feel like I'm actually living. For a while there I just felt like the days were passing me by. Now I feel like I'm OWNING the days :) Living it to the fullest.

Just keep Swimming!

Oh joy. So if my husbands ego didn't get a good boost today I don't know what will. Some may or may not know. On my laundry list of things I'm doing we're also trying for a baby. This has been an ongoing journey for about a year now.

In any case we've begun proceedings of trying to figure out why we're not getting pregnant. My husband did his test and needless to say he could get a women pregnant by looking at her. The normal averages they have my husband was over all of them and not by a little. I just got off the phone as I thought he'd like to hear it. His words "So I'm a very strong swimmer." "Yes dear in your own mind you are."

I'm extremely happy for this notion. However it means the fingers are pointing at me and my lady bits. "NAUGHTY!" work properly darn it! I have already had an internal and external ultrasound done along with blood tests. Usually when the doc calls they say "Everything looks great." I was greeted with "you have a 5 cm cyst, high prolactin levels, a bit of a bacterial infection. AND you have slightly high cholesterol. Well doc gee thanks ;).

I'll admit hearing all that made me far more aware of my body and my own health. We always like to think that because we're wrong we're invincible. I've said that a few times but honestly I never bought into the fact that something health wise could go wrong with me. That was until the doc smacked me with a healthy dose of reality.

So the next steps will be to start my testing to see if there may be things wrong with why we're not conceiving. I'll admit the testing doesn't seem to pleasant. I won't bother you with the details but from what I've been explained it's not fun. Oh joy. "hunny your going to hold my hand if it hurts!" my husband is such a trooper.

I'll be waiting till the end of august as we have to do a recheck on the cyst. If it's grown then we have to get it removed. If it's dissolved as I haven't felt it rupture yet then we can begin the other testing. I hate having to wait till September to start the testing again but in my heart of hearts I know that it's best to be fully checked out and understand if there will be any risks then to go into this thing blind.

I'm putting faith in modern medicine and my body. If we're meant to have a child we will if not then that's a bridge we'll have to cross and come to terms with when we get there.

In any case you can best bet that my husband is glowing and feeling overall macho right now ;)

Life is what you make it.

In the past few days a lot has really happened. Well not a lot to some but enough for me.

A few days ago we got our visa petition approval notice. While this doesn't mean we're done with this all yet this is such a positive step. We tried to get somewhat prepared for this and ordered all the documentation that we'd need. On top of that we have some forms to fill out. This type of stuff has to be done with a fine tooth comb. Without the help of visajourney.com . I honestly think my husband and I would be beyond lost.

It was kinda funny how I found out. I went to go put a load of laundry away just as my husband came in. I was going back and forth while welcoming him home. when I come out of the washroom I see my husband with a letter in his hand and this HUGE grin. Right away I knew what it was. I shrieked a bit and was just so very happy.

We'd been stressing about when it'd come for a while. Now that it's here I'm stressing about getting all the proper documentation together so we can send it in to the NVC as soon as we get our packet. Needless to say my husband and I toasted with a glass of Vapolicella. MM good.

The next thing that has happened was the overturning of prop 8. For me this is such an amazing thing. I have so many friends who are gay and it's so nice to see that the US is taking this step. Everyone deserves to show their love, be loved and get the same benefits that those of us heterosexual couples get. WIth that being said I found an amazing Greys quote that I feel suits this situation to a 'T'.

"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them."

This quote can be taken in a multitude of ways. For me it speaks of diversity, of just living life as it comes and stop trying to worry about what others are doing because in the end while they live their life freely you are imprisoning yourself by worrying about their daily actions. This goes for anything. There's something of value to take away from this quote. It has really opened my eyes and made me want to stop putting up boundaries, be it if it's my life, my emotions, or my love. Some of it's been locked away for far to long. I've drawn so many lines that I've boxed myself in. Little by little the lines are being erased. Some may never go away but in the end I have to try.

So full of focus I've missed out on Blogging it ;)... sarcasm

When I started this journal I had a track and a general path in mind. Now heaven only knows what's going on. I wanted to do that drawing project but the more I thought about it the more I realized how there were other things in my life besides 'drawing' that deserved a little bit more of my time. No I still haven't done the exam.

I've had time to evaluate and wanted to keep this a relatively positive post instead of one that draws off the fact that I have lacked focus in the areas I previously blogged about.

I have been busy with the business. I have become far more organized and have about 3 calenders one pocket book, one dry eraser and one on my desk. I put down every single task that needs to be done.

So Positive #1 scheduling for business has been achieved for this month. Stay tuned for next month.

This week I have made time for myself but am also focusing on getting work done early. When you were a kid did your parents ever make you or tell you to do your homework when you get home.. Their main reasoning for this was because you'd have more time to enjoy the night. I never really grasped this till around now. Crazy I know but it's true.

So now I'm left to wonder... what crazy goal am I going to make this time? Well this time it's going to be a simple one without putting a strain on myself or my body. That's just to enjoy tomorrow. What happens will happen. I will ensure to check my schedule but part of finding focus to me is finding happiness in our environment and what we have that others may not. I have a beautiful dog who needs exercise and we will go on a nice walk tomorrow. I'm blessed truthfully to have such caring people remind me of everything I have to be grateful about.

(you'll find this blog post isn't focused as it's going all over the place)

Weight has been an issue for me for a while. I have been going to weight watchers for almost a year now and I'll admit I'm dismayed to only be 8lbs down since last year. All of it is my fault all because I just can't stick to doing one thing. If i put all my energy that I put into doing a million different things in a month, man would I be accomplished in whatever that thing was I took on. In any case I was really bummed that I gained 1.3 lbs 2 weeks ago. I didn't understand it, I wa eating right. The thing that helped me was my MIL. I'm my own worst critic as many people are to themselves. This is a very unhealthy thing to be at times. My MIL is like the opposite of me. She'd be positive even if a mouse pooped in her corn flakes. She always sees the brighter side to things. I usually thrive off of the pushy people. But that day my MIL's reassurance and just upbeat nature was just inspiring. The following week I lost .6lbs. To some that's like going to the bathroom but to me I'm learning to take solace in the smallest accomplishments.


I think that's what part of this blog is about. It's just finding happiness in even the smallest achievements. You don't need a medal around your neck or a thousand people chanting your name. A simple pat on the back should make you feel just as elated. So my goal for the week. Blog some small achievements I've made. Even if it is getting a fan order done. WOOHOO. I think if I take the time to recognize the achievements it may help with seeing the progress in what I do.

Are you confused yet? Hope I haven't lost you in what is my ever turning mind.

Day 2: One foot infront of the other

In my quest for focus I started with a rather basic way. I went to bed last night and before I did I planned out my day and what I needed to do vs what I wanted to do. While I didn't do anything creative (by drawing means) I did get a lot done. I am focusing on getting ahead of what I am obligated to do. Suprisingly when I looked at the list and the time it took me to get things done was far shorter than I realize. Procrastination always got the better of me.

The list seems to be something that keeps me focused. Focused in life is something I'm looking for but also creatively I"m looking to advance in a craft each month. I have hopes to compare the beginning of the year to the end of the year. See a cumulative progression (hopefully).

Rome wasn't build in a day so I didn't expect to get something done right away but I got everything except 3 tasks done on my list I had around 12 things that I wanted to do. Not to shabby and a great start for tomorrow. Hopefully by the end of this week I'll have something drawn.