First and foremost MERRY CHRISTMAS!
So it begins
Sometimes we get so wrapped up in me me me and what we want that it really starts to consume our life and our emotions. Well at least for me it did.
We'd all like life to go as planned, and happen on the DAY we want it to. When we don't we get upset or aggravated when really we shouldn't. I used to be so great with being grateful for what I do have instead of what I don't.
I'm ashamed to say I've really let go of that mentality. This baby journey has made me extremely sour towards the topic. Especially when you see those close to you get the one thing you wanted most. Coming to the realization that it's poisoned your ability to be happy for others is perhaps what stung the most.
If I'm brutally honest with others, I should be no exception to that right?
Well my 2 closest friends are now pregnant within 2 weeks of each other. The first one I responded with joy and utter excitement. After the second told me I responded with joy and excitement then after the phone hung up I broke down. I'm not talking about shedding a few tears I'm talking about a good hour cry. Why did it upset me so much? I felt guilty but I think it was very important to realize what exactly the tears were for. Those tears weren't out of sadness because someone else got pregnant. It was out of frustration that I couldn't give my husband the one thing we've been working at. I was reminded of how less of a women I felt because of this. It was a mixture of feelings but deep down inside a tiny bit was out of jealousy and I'm utterly ashamed of that fact.
I've had to do a ton of self evaluation and really realize how much this was consuming my life and my ability to be overall happy. I don't want this to consume my life or take away from me actually being able to just live. I'm in a way glad that I've finally come to this realization. It's already started to have a positive effect on life over all.
My new years resolution is to find the positive in any situation. Be grateful for what life gives you and don't dwell on what you don't have.
Health progress...
What is that? ;) I'm getting back to weight watchers after the new years. Once the visa process gets done I'll be getting a year membership to a gym and really get cracking on it. Till then I don't think it's realistic to really think I'll loose any weight till then. I am going to concentrate better on what I'm eating. But it's the holidays and I'm enjoying it :D
In other news
My pain from my cyst went away for the first few months after the surgery. The pain came back this month and my family doctor thinks it may be another one forming. We spoke about the surgery and she said the surgeon said they removed a 8cm cyst instead of the 5cm we thought I had. I am counting my blessings as I could have had to have my ovary removed. So now we're going to stay on top of this one and if the pain persists I'll get another ultrasound done in February. Other than that everything is good.
Christmas was simply amazing. Getting to spend it with family is a blessing on it's own. I was spoiled and and am very grateful for all the cards we received from family and friends this year. I have to get on some thank you cards to those we didn't send cards to this year. It was great to see my nephews both dressed up in their christmas attire. So very adorable :) Children always manage to make the holidays a bit more magical. It was the perk up our family needed. :D
I hope everyone had a very cheerful and Merry Christmas. For those who don't celebrate I hope you had a wonderful day none the less :D
Showing posts with label health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label health. Show all posts
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
The Nitty Gritty of Life
A revelation
A recent failed friendship has made me really evaluate who I am. I know who I am, I'm very secure with myself. More so then I have ever been in my entire life. This self reflection really made me realize how this one wasn't my fault.
To me when you give all of yourself, your talents for free to someone that's a pretty damn good thing to do. When you put everyone else before yourself that's a great friend to have. I strive to please, from my past to now I've realized that's just the type of person I am. I always want to try to get the approval of those around me. With that being said I spread myself most often at times too thin. I try to much for that approval that I loose myself and at times my sanity. I finally got to a point where I had to realize to some people it's just never good enough. No matter how much you do or try that approval just sometimes wont come. This situation literally consumed my every thought. I had never in my life wanted to NOT talk about a situation. This came out of my mouth too much and it got to a point where it was just poisoning me. I wanted to think about other things.
I had to end it and I did. It wasn't easy by any means but one thing I can't allow myself is to be used. This I went to therapy for while I was in college and my husband attended some of those sessions so he and I could understand where my 'anger' and other characteristics come from. I have huge trust issues, where if someone screws me over or takes advantage of me, it's very hard for me to extend that hand of kindness to them again. It's not something for me that has ever been easy. Everyone gets usually one shot with me and if they screw that up I can't take the chance of them doing it again to me so I cut that tie. I don't like being hurt physically or emotionally, if I can prevent it from happening I do.
It's almost like I cut people from my life. I don't like being hurt as I said before so I try to do a quick cut. This cut was a little less than neater but it was what I needed. I always try to serve others wants and needs for once it felt great to do what I needed to do.
Since then honestly life seems less complicated, fun and just overall less negativity in my thoughts.
On another note...
one of my friends who I've connected with so strongly since we've moved. Well her brother just passed away :( It was a construction accident and I couldn't help but feel so very heart broken for her. My friends are my family and to hear her cry over the phone just tore me in two. If I can take away any of my friends pain I would in a second. Out of love and support my husband and I traveled 2 hrs to her parents place whom I've also become close with. We gave them flowers and just went for support. I gave my friend a hug and she cried on my shoulder for a good 3 minutes. I just wanted her to really feel and know that I was there for her if she needed anything. Same with her parents. While I never got to meet her brother he seemed like such an amazing father, fiance and brother. You could tell again that they all appreciated our presence and that was more then enough thanks to us. Sometimes we have to put aside our daily activities to just be there for someone. You'd be surprised what that does for a person.
Man.. I just hate deaths.. :( I don't think anyone likes them "DUH" but it crumbles my soul. All i can do is support those who are hurting and hope that it helps make even a minute easier on them.
Creative Progress
Yesterday after the visit my husband and I went to Walmart to pick up some Yarn. I really want to do something special for our family and perhaps if I get them done in time for friends as well. I want to knit a bunch of blankets. I figured after surgery for the 4 or 5 days that I'll be useless I could really get into the knitting. So far so good :D This is a positive step in the creative progress that's for sure.
A few days ago I also designed 3 new program fans for weddings and also did a few other graphic design things. I then made a necklace and bracelet for my Future Sister in Law. As a happy engagement gift. I have to say I'm very proud of the outcome. I tried a few new things like wire wrapping and the overall results really seem to match my FSIL's vintage tastes :D
I've found that it's been very hard for me to not have anything planned for the day. When I know I have no business stuff going on I feel rather lost. It got really bad this week. I just didn't know what to do with myself. I'd wasted so much time thinking about what I should do that the days just speed by. I've been sleeping horribly and just overall feel very restless... My husband attributes it to the surgery but to me I don't feel that i am nervous about it. I mean I could be but it's certainly the furthest thing from my mind. The knitting even just yeasterday put me at ease.
Health Progress
I have really been making the positive effort towards getting myself back to the shape I was back in University. My eating habits admittedly could be better. blah lol. However on a positive note this past week I went to the gym 3 times and these were my running results.
-----------------
Day 1
Ran straight for 6 minutes
The rest was running 2 mins on 1 min walking.
I ran/walked for a total of:
33 mins
2.2 miles
248 cals
--------------------
Day 2:
I ran for 10mins straight, then my usual on off stuff.
I ran/walked for a total of:
36:30 mins
2.56 miles - reached 2.2 at the 30 min mark
300 cals
-------------
Day 3 (I was a bit deflated but had to remember that I still did something)
I ran for 10.30 seconds straight.
This part I'm very proud of! I ran a mile in that 10mins and 30 seconds. I can't tell you how proud I was to see that I was able to do that.
I ran/walked for a total of: The progress made was making the mile in the time I did. That's fricken amazing for me. so YAY for me :D
16 mins
1.4 miles
? Cals
My next goal is to get my eating habits a bit better. Today I started journaling. So one day at a time right? :D
In closing
Well I think that was a rather robust update :) If you'll see there are little bits of focus' coming together. The more I do the more I feel like I'm actually living. For a while there I just felt like the days were passing me by. Now I feel like I'm OWNING the days :) Living it to the fullest.
A recent failed friendship has made me really evaluate who I am. I know who I am, I'm very secure with myself. More so then I have ever been in my entire life. This self reflection really made me realize how this one wasn't my fault.
To me when you give all of yourself, your talents for free to someone that's a pretty damn good thing to do. When you put everyone else before yourself that's a great friend to have. I strive to please, from my past to now I've realized that's just the type of person I am. I always want to try to get the approval of those around me. With that being said I spread myself most often at times too thin. I try to much for that approval that I loose myself and at times my sanity. I finally got to a point where I had to realize to some people it's just never good enough. No matter how much you do or try that approval just sometimes wont come. This situation literally consumed my every thought. I had never in my life wanted to NOT talk about a situation. This came out of my mouth too much and it got to a point where it was just poisoning me. I wanted to think about other things.
I had to end it and I did. It wasn't easy by any means but one thing I can't allow myself is to be used. This I went to therapy for while I was in college and my husband attended some of those sessions so he and I could understand where my 'anger' and other characteristics come from. I have huge trust issues, where if someone screws me over or takes advantage of me, it's very hard for me to extend that hand of kindness to them again. It's not something for me that has ever been easy. Everyone gets usually one shot with me and if they screw that up I can't take the chance of them doing it again to me so I cut that tie. I don't like being hurt physically or emotionally, if I can prevent it from happening I do.
It's almost like I cut people from my life. I don't like being hurt as I said before so I try to do a quick cut. This cut was a little less than neater but it was what I needed. I always try to serve others wants and needs for once it felt great to do what I needed to do.
Since then honestly life seems less complicated, fun and just overall less negativity in my thoughts.
On another note...
one of my friends who I've connected with so strongly since we've moved. Well her brother just passed away :( It was a construction accident and I couldn't help but feel so very heart broken for her. My friends are my family and to hear her cry over the phone just tore me in two. If I can take away any of my friends pain I would in a second. Out of love and support my husband and I traveled 2 hrs to her parents place whom I've also become close with. We gave them flowers and just went for support. I gave my friend a hug and she cried on my shoulder for a good 3 minutes. I just wanted her to really feel and know that I was there for her if she needed anything. Same with her parents. While I never got to meet her brother he seemed like such an amazing father, fiance and brother. You could tell again that they all appreciated our presence and that was more then enough thanks to us. Sometimes we have to put aside our daily activities to just be there for someone. You'd be surprised what that does for a person.
Man.. I just hate deaths.. :( I don't think anyone likes them "DUH" but it crumbles my soul. All i can do is support those who are hurting and hope that it helps make even a minute easier on them.
Creative Progress
Yesterday after the visit my husband and I went to Walmart to pick up some Yarn. I really want to do something special for our family and perhaps if I get them done in time for friends as well. I want to knit a bunch of blankets. I figured after surgery for the 4 or 5 days that I'll be useless I could really get into the knitting. So far so good :D This is a positive step in the creative progress that's for sure.
A few days ago I also designed 3 new program fans for weddings and also did a few other graphic design things. I then made a necklace and bracelet for my Future Sister in Law. As a happy engagement gift. I have to say I'm very proud of the outcome. I tried a few new things like wire wrapping and the overall results really seem to match my FSIL's vintage tastes :D
I've found that it's been very hard for me to not have anything planned for the day. When I know I have no business stuff going on I feel rather lost. It got really bad this week. I just didn't know what to do with myself. I'd wasted so much time thinking about what I should do that the days just speed by. I've been sleeping horribly and just overall feel very restless... My husband attributes it to the surgery but to me I don't feel that i am nervous about it. I mean I could be but it's certainly the furthest thing from my mind. The knitting even just yeasterday put me at ease.
Health Progress
I have really been making the positive effort towards getting myself back to the shape I was back in University. My eating habits admittedly could be better. blah lol. However on a positive note this past week I went to the gym 3 times and these were my running results.
-----------------
Day 1
Ran straight for 6 minutes
The rest was running 2 mins on 1 min walking.
I ran/walked for a total of:
33 mins
2.2 miles
248 cals
--------------------
Day 2:
I ran for 10mins straight, then my usual on off stuff.
I ran/walked for a total of:
36:30 mins
2.56 miles - reached 2.2 at the 30 min mark
300 cals
-------------
Day 3 (I was a bit deflated but had to remember that I still did something)
I ran for 10.30 seconds straight.
This part I'm very proud of! I ran a mile in that 10mins and 30 seconds. I can't tell you how proud I was to see that I was able to do that.
I ran/walked for a total of: The progress made was making the mile in the time I did. That's fricken amazing for me. so YAY for me :D
16 mins
1.4 miles
? Cals
My next goal is to get my eating habits a bit better. Today I started journaling. So one day at a time right? :D
In closing
Well I think that was a rather robust update :) If you'll see there are little bits of focus' coming together. The more I do the more I feel like I'm actually living. For a while there I just felt like the days were passing me by. Now I feel like I'm OWNING the days :) Living it to the fullest.
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