Following your passions

TTC stuff aside. It has been very hard to over the past year get into a routine that allowed me to work full time while continuing with things that were a passion of mine. In truth I've been afraid of just over working myself and not deliver on time. With that I slowly started taking on photography clients, doing newborns for people at work, weddings that were more or less last minute (because of treatments it's so hard to know a year out just what life has in store for us)

 

So with getting my feet wet I'm realizing that so long as I make the time I'll have the time. My problem has always been. MODERATION (there's that word again ;) ) . Normally I say yes to everyone and every project that I neglect to give myself a breather. So I'm dipping my feet back into the invitation world where I mainly made program fans. Suffice to say I've been shocked at having my shop open for no more then a week and already I have orders to fill. I don't do it for the money I do it because I know how much people loved my work, and I in a way felt guilty that other brides couldn't get the same stress free experience if they went with someone less experienced with this kind of work. I love customer service and there's something to be said about working for yourself and building a business from the ground up. I do get worried that I'll over work myself but I now have a system where I speak it over with Paul and get his complete input on if I should pursue a client or not. Thing is now that I'm working I don't have the luxury I did before with just working away during the day on the fans. So I've set things up so I can work slow but steady. With most orderings needing a 2 month turn over. Which is ok because most brides contact me with more then enough time.

I'm happy and nervous to get back to where I was before I took on my current job. I know any extra money we get right now will also go towards our debt helping us climb out of it faster.

I'm proud of myself for just sucking it up and saying 'yes' to projects again. I love being able to be apart of someones very very special day be it in taking photos or giving them these program fans that their guests often rave about. This is not me being cocky but I take pride in my work and I work hard to get the results I do.

So I guess yay me for taking that step. Sorry for the shameless bragging.

If you'd like to ever check out my work feel free to do so at

Photography: www.barnhartphotography.net

Invitations: http://www.etsy.com/shop/impressioninvitation

Cycle day 7 - Day 5 of Injectables (Follicle scan)

Had my follicle scan yesterday. After 5 days on injectables I have 8 really great size follicles. this time last IUI I had only 4 at best and none any where near what I have this time. I'm a bit scared that we may  have to cancel this round (not scared but I don't want to miss out on another month). Paul has predicted that if we do go through with this round he's thinking multiples are in our future. That thought scares the bejibus out of me as I don't want to risk our baby's health and my own since we're already high risk. But a part of me would be delighted with twins, if it didn't have the added risks to the babies I'd really be all for it considering how long we've waited for this.

In any case I'll just be delighted with a BFP this round.

But here are my numbers CD 7  and comparison from our last IUI 

IUI #2 Follicles Day 5 on injectables :

Endo Thickness : 6.5

Left Ovary
9.86 mm
7.58 mm
8.46 mm
9.71 mm

Right Ovary
10.42 mm
9.41 mm
10.22 mm
11.8 mm

IUI #1 Follicles Day 5 on Injectables

Left Ovary
7.72 mm
8.54 mm

Right Ovary
7 mm
5.09 mm


Besides that update things are going well. Injectables are going smoothly, it's funny to look back at the first time I ever stuck the needle in me to how I am now. The comfort levels are obviously drastically different. I remember that Mind block of "hey I'm sticking myself with a needle." Now I know the pain (minimal at best) and I've gotten so used to needles that it doesn't phase me. Not that needles on a whole ever really bothered me. All in all things are good and I'm hopeful for our future.

How do I feel like a women again?

To many I'm a confident and often at times a very stubborn women, but almost always confident in the decisions and in who I am as a women. I was happy with myself, I looked in the mirror and I liked what I saw both inside and out. I LOVED myself ... at one time.

As time has gone on that love for myself, my body has dwindled. Perhaps it's us approaching 4 years of ttc (I can't believe it's been that long), perhaps it's the fact that I've knowingly let my body and mind seriously go lax. I got lazy and I got complacent with how things were going in my life. The one constant? The most amazing man and husband a women can find (Yes it's cheesy but VERY true). Yes, I am currently taking the appropriate steps to renew my faith in myself mind and body. But it's going to take a bit of time and a hell of a lot of work. Work I'm willing to put in now. Suffice to say I'm now down 8 lbs and while it's a small feat, it's success none the less.

TTC has allowed me to have excuses for why I was living how I was. I wasn't exercising because (truthfully) I was afraid that the intense exercising would cause a miscarriage if I was in fact pregnant. Which could be any given cycle. Wish my eating habits would have had the same reaction. TTC has taken pieces of my womanhood. It has made me feel like I'm failing myself (at times). It has made me feel like I'm less of a women with every failed cycle, with every child we loose, with every year that passes. The psychological hardships along with the physical ones are a hard burden to carry, especially for such long periods of time with no reprieve. It has at best robbed me of my own sexuality, by that I mean I don't feel sexy, most of all I don't feel like I should be 'viewed' as sexy. Sexy to me is more then a body image it's 'owning' the body you have. Walking with a sense of pride and confidence with who you are (not an egotistical walk, but a confident I love who I am walk) With this over the past year especially since our loss in November I have felt that I don't deserve that kind of attention. How can you feel like being intimate when the last thing even you want to do is partake in the very thing that reminds you of the failure you've become over the years as a women.

By now I think you get where this is going. Infertility and Intimacy. I don't know how I'm going to overcome this hurdle to love myself again. But I do know for some parts I have control over some parts of my body. With that I HAVE to at the very least try, especially when so many things as of lately have been completely out of our control. I want to feel love for myself so that I can show love and accept it without feeling repulsed by myself. The reason is, is because it sends the wrong message to my husband. It makes him think it's him, when that's the furthest thing in my mind. He's sexy, sweet, takes care of his family, loves me unconditionally and I trust him with every fiber of my being. But sometimes, I don't want deep passionate kiss, sometimes I want to be hugged, sometimes I just need to snuggle, sometimes I just want it to be innocent intimacy if that makes any sense. I've lost so much faith and so much love that I truly think it's going to be a slow climb back up to how I was even before we had our Miscarriage in November. Truth is a part of me is scared to be intimate. I'm now starting to equate intimacy = loss. Something I just can't seem to shake.

This article really helps explain everything better: http://familybuilding.resolve.org/site/DocServer/14_Sex_Marriage_and_Infertility.pdf?docID=5704

If you feel this way during your journey please know your not alone. I know with time an a little self TLC we can get back the women or at least the traits of ourselves that we liked the most. You'll never be the person you were before, you may be a little more hardened and rightfully so. But you can learn to love the new and old you. I'm still looking to get there but I can't for the life of me accept that this is the person I'm meant to become. I deserve to feel sexy inside and out, I deserve to love and feel loved in return. I deserve that intimacy, and so does my husband.

One day at a time I'll get there... I have to.

I would die for that ....

This is a song and video that brings me to my knees. Seeing all of the faces of infertility seeing the pain in their eyes, matching the pain we've suffered over the years just moves me so very much. I didn't expect the video to hit me so deep but this brought tears to my eyes. Listen to the lyrics and look at the faces of infertility, you see the pain, the scars this journey can bring. You also see the success and I think that's what brings this song full circle


Dr's Update:

We went to the dr and will be going off the pill and waiting for CD1 to approach. If I had to guess we'll be doing an IUI Mid to end of Jan. If I had to say a date according to how my follicles responded last time I'd say between the 19th and 26th. So we're now in a waiting game for AF to show then it's GAME ON! :)

New Year, New Hope

It's amazing how a change of a day can some how help reset your strength and hope. I have been feeling so much better, I have been feeling more like me the happy me that I lost at about a year mark of this journey.

I'm excited and nervous for tomorrows appointment. I'd love to get the news that we'll be put on fertility meds tomorrow but in retrospect I'm happy we can try again so soon. The other side of me is absolutely terrified, I'm terrified of (oddly enough) getting pregnant again. I'm terrified of what that does to me emotionally, how much worrying I put myself through. I know this time around no amount of comforting words will make me feel like there's light at the end of the tunnel and I'll just have to find ways to cope with the anxiety that pregnancy seems to plague me with now. I'm in high hopes that the anti anxiety meds I'm on (which are pregnancy safe btw) will help curb that anxiety and over obsessive nature I get once we get pregnant. I almost don't like the person I become, very negative and such a worry wart. I am going to try to hold onto the thought that the medication they had me on with Angela helped and WORKED. That I know at some point will be a helpful thought that I wasn't able to have with our last pregnancy as it was our first time on the RPL protocol.

Either way I've been trying to keep my excitement just to excitement. I've been really focusing on my health and learning to live with PCOS. I turned to the South Beach diet and so far I've found between it and weight watchers it really caters to my PCOS minimizing carbs to a huge extent which is what I needed. Weight watchers is an amazing program but it opened my eyes to the fact that literally not every diet program works for everyone. Sometimes per-existing conditions will require a different approach be taken. So I've been working out and really putting a good foot forward with my eating. So far I'm down 4lbs and have hopes of being down 10 lbs by my the time I have my IUI done.

So I've been one busy little bee, between going to Canada to see my family, to having a slew of photos to fix up, and I'm designing my Future Sister in Laws wedding invitations. There's so much to look forward to and so much to do in so little time. I like my activity level now though and I really think it's attributing to my happiness as well. It always feels better to know that you're doing something and not just sitting at a computer. I found it really played into why I wasn't happy. It was my excuse for not getting up and doing things with my fitness and overall things with my family. That's just me and was a huge eye opener over how much time I literally spent on the internet. Others know moderation where I didn't. So 2013 my word of the year is "Moderation" this will speak to many facets of our life. Moderation in food, moderation in internet, moderation in money. Moderation is my key :).