This little being...

I recently came upon a post that had something very moving that I wanted to share. I'm not sure or the original source but I think it's very beautiful.

"Trust that this life force came into your life to give you something, to open your heart a little wider. That this being had a purpose and fulfilled it and moved on. That this being came to clear the way in some way for the child that is meant to grow and stay."

I'm finally at a point where reading something like that doesn't cause me to ball my eyes out. Right after we lost Angela I was sent a few messages with quotes about angel babies. I have to say each one I just couldn't get through. Mind you it was still very raw at that time (like days) I loved what they sent but it hurt to read. Now going back it helps the healing process later on in the grieving stages.

The above quoted text just feels right, and brings me a huge amount of comfort for all of the angels we lost in 2012 < 3

How do I feel like a women again?

To many I'm a confident and often at times a very stubborn women, but almost always confident in the decisions and in who I am as a women. I was happy with myself, I looked in the mirror and I liked what I saw both inside and out. I LOVED myself ... at one time.

As time has gone on that love for myself, my body has dwindled. Perhaps it's us approaching 4 years of ttc (I can't believe it's been that long), perhaps it's the fact that I've knowingly let my body and mind seriously go lax. I got lazy and I got complacent with how things were going in my life. The one constant? The most amazing man and husband a women can find (Yes it's cheesy but VERY true). Yes, I am currently taking the appropriate steps to renew my faith in myself mind and body. But it's going to take a bit of time and a hell of a lot of work. Work I'm willing to put in now. Suffice to say I'm now down 8 lbs and while it's a small feat, it's success none the less.

TTC has allowed me to have excuses for why I was living how I was. I wasn't exercising because (truthfully) I was afraid that the intense exercising would cause a miscarriage if I was in fact pregnant. Which could be any given cycle. Wish my eating habits would have had the same reaction. TTC has taken pieces of my womanhood. It has made me feel like I'm failing myself (at times). It has made me feel like I'm less of a women with every failed cycle, with every child we loose, with every year that passes. The psychological hardships along with the physical ones are a hard burden to carry, especially for such long periods of time with no reprieve. It has at best robbed me of my own sexuality, by that I mean I don't feel sexy, most of all I don't feel like I should be 'viewed' as sexy. Sexy to me is more then a body image it's 'owning' the body you have. Walking with a sense of pride and confidence with who you are (not an egotistical walk, but a confident I love who I am walk) With this over the past year especially since our loss in November I have felt that I don't deserve that kind of attention. How can you feel like being intimate when the last thing even you want to do is partake in the very thing that reminds you of the failure you've become over the years as a women.

By now I think you get where this is going. Infertility and Intimacy. I don't know how I'm going to overcome this hurdle to love myself again. But I do know for some parts I have control over some parts of my body. With that I HAVE to at the very least try, especially when so many things as of lately have been completely out of our control. I want to feel love for myself so that I can show love and accept it without feeling repulsed by myself. The reason is, is because it sends the wrong message to my husband. It makes him think it's him, when that's the furthest thing in my mind. He's sexy, sweet, takes care of his family, loves me unconditionally and I trust him with every fiber of my being. But sometimes, I don't want deep passionate kiss, sometimes I want to be hugged, sometimes I just need to snuggle, sometimes I just want it to be innocent intimacy if that makes any sense. I've lost so much faith and so much love that I truly think it's going to be a slow climb back up to how I was even before we had our Miscarriage in November. Truth is a part of me is scared to be intimate. I'm now starting to equate intimacy = loss. Something I just can't seem to shake.

This article really helps explain everything better: http://familybuilding.resolve.org/site/DocServer/14_Sex_Marriage_and_Infertility.pdf?docID=5704

If you feel this way during your journey please know your not alone. I know with time an a little self TLC we can get back the women or at least the traits of ourselves that we liked the most. You'll never be the person you were before, you may be a little more hardened and rightfully so. But you can learn to love the new and old you. I'm still looking to get there but I can't for the life of me accept that this is the person I'm meant to become. I deserve to feel sexy inside and out, I deserve to love and feel loved in return. I deserve that intimacy, and so does my husband.

One day at a time I'll get there... I have to.

"One day it'll be your turn"

"One day it'll be your turn"

After the pathology report things have changed in a drastic way. I felt a lot of closure in knowing the pathology report and more of an it was supposed to happen over my body stopping a perfectly normal pregnancy. We're still mourning but it has offered us that ray of hope that perhaps this was a one time thing and the steps we took to help the pregnancy is going to still work when we get our sticky healthy baby bun in the oven.

I think this is the acceptance part of grieving. I've accepted what was and am finding myself moving on, never forgetting but seeing some kind of light at the end of the tunnel. The quote in the beginning of this post is something I'm finding myself saying a lot. I remind myself when I get overwhelmed or see a pregnancy that I can be happy for them while reminding myself 'one day it'll be you. With that reminder it gives me something to look forward to.

At this point all we can do is say "Ok what are our next steps." Standing still won't get us results and well lets get to it when we're ready. One step, one moment at a time I've promised myself.. we'll get there. The only realistic option Paul and I have is to keep fighting for what we want in life. So fight we will.

"I never said it would be easy; I only said it would be worth it." ♥