Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
Don't Give Up
IUI #2 didn't work and man was it a hard cycle. I'm not sure how to exactly describe it but I just was an emotional wreck filled with little to no hope. I have no clue what happened but it just overall wasn't a good cycle emotionally. When AF came it was such a huge blow. I think I just had these unrealistic expectations that because #1 worked of course #2 would work with double the follicles. No dice.
It took me a good week after AF showed up for me to reset and begin with our 3rd IUI. This cycle thus far we've had more hope and although I'm still on the emotional side I'm not an emotional wreck. Thank you fertility drugs for making me a maniac, my poor husband.
This cycle seemed to progress quicker and the protocol was a bit different from last time. Last two times they've only ever done 2 days of higher dose of Gonal F then down to 75. This time it was 7 days of 150 and 2 days of 75. My IUI was 2 days earlier then predicted, and honestly I don't mind as it means a shorter cycle of waiting. I did notice a difference in how I felt with such high doses. I noticed a lot of discomfort, the last few days I felt like I was ready to burst pants fitting tighter and just overall uncomfortable. At our last scan they found 4-5 mature follicles. That surprisingly enough didn't scare me, what did was my estridol levels. Most women doing an IUI RE clinics like to keep that number below 2000 (anything over women are at risk for OHSS ). I was at 3444 this time and man did I feel it the day I ovulated, I was tempted to go in because of the massive pain I was in. Luckily I drank tons of Gatorade and increased my salt intake (as suggested by my dr) just for the day. The next day I felt amazing.
The actual day of the IUI I think gave me so much hope. Not the same hope that we had with IUI#2. It's more of a realistic hope that some day, one of these cycles we'll get it right.
I texted my little 'sister'. Quick back story she has been apart of my life for 21 years. We have been through a lot together and even though we're not related by blood I consider her my sister. Her father passed away from cancer when she was 15 and his death shook both her and I's world. Her father was a father to me, and my father a father to her. Our fathers were best friends and so very close. So when he passed we both clung onto each other. Her father was a VERY passionate man, there are many times I remember being on the road for a hockey game and him just blaring the music belting it out. Us in the back seat meager back up singers :). One song he loved and you could tell was so passionate about was. "Time to say goodbye." by Andrea Bocelli. He played it at least once during the rides. It's the song they played at his funeral, it's the song we played at our wedding during the ceremony in his honor, and it was the very same song that came on the speakers as Paul and I waited for our 3rd IUI. I sat there frozen, eyes closed, with this huge grin on my face, I just 'felt' him with us. Can't explain it but a sense of calm came over me. Paul thought something was wrong but I just couldn't bring myself to read while the song played. Just minutes before my best friend and I were texting back and forth, odd coincidence #2. I just felt at peace, I just felt like he may be helping us. Out of all the songs that could play over the speakers (most of which were nature relaxation sounds). It was a pleasant surprise to hear. Even if this one doesn't work I know it's a moment I'll always remember. Later that day I had a few chips (Naughty me) and wouldn't you know it one of the chips near a corner had a heart shaped hole in it. I did take a photo that I'll share later. Pauls numbers were amazing and my follicle count was great.
Even though these little things may have no impact on our IUI. If we do manage to get a sticky positive it will somehow be something I very much so remember.
It's odd how little things, little cues can just help make the day better. Can somehow give you peace when all you feel is fear, anxiousness and sadness.
If this IUI doesn't work I don't think I'll be as upset. It's one thing to say it, I know. But I'm just not in this big hurry. I'm waiting until my beta to find out the news. I will as I said earlier cherish that feeling that washed over me. I miss him very much and 10 years later there are always times that I think of him. To be reminded of him even in the smallest way is always something I treasure. Now as I write this Josh Groban is playing "Don't give up." Again I'm smiling at these little messages I'm interpreting. If Tom was alive to hear his voice I feel he would have loved his music as much as he loved Bocelli
It took me a good week after AF showed up for me to reset and begin with our 3rd IUI. This cycle thus far we've had more hope and although I'm still on the emotional side I'm not an emotional wreck. Thank you fertility drugs for making me a maniac, my poor husband.
This cycle seemed to progress quicker and the protocol was a bit different from last time. Last two times they've only ever done 2 days of higher dose of Gonal F then down to 75. This time it was 7 days of 150 and 2 days of 75. My IUI was 2 days earlier then predicted, and honestly I don't mind as it means a shorter cycle of waiting. I did notice a difference in how I felt with such high doses. I noticed a lot of discomfort, the last few days I felt like I was ready to burst pants fitting tighter and just overall uncomfortable. At our last scan they found 4-5 mature follicles. That surprisingly enough didn't scare me, what did was my estridol levels. Most women doing an IUI RE clinics like to keep that number below 2000 (anything over women are at risk for OHSS ). I was at 3444 this time and man did I feel it the day I ovulated, I was tempted to go in because of the massive pain I was in. Luckily I drank tons of Gatorade and increased my salt intake (as suggested by my dr) just for the day. The next day I felt amazing.
The actual day of the IUI I think gave me so much hope. Not the same hope that we had with IUI#2. It's more of a realistic hope that some day, one of these cycles we'll get it right.
I texted my little 'sister'. Quick back story she has been apart of my life for 21 years. We have been through a lot together and even though we're not related by blood I consider her my sister. Her father passed away from cancer when she was 15 and his death shook both her and I's world. Her father was a father to me, and my father a father to her. Our fathers were best friends and so very close. So when he passed we both clung onto each other. Her father was a VERY passionate man, there are many times I remember being on the road for a hockey game and him just blaring the music belting it out. Us in the back seat meager back up singers :). One song he loved and you could tell was so passionate about was. "Time to say goodbye." by Andrea Bocelli. He played it at least once during the rides. It's the song they played at his funeral, it's the song we played at our wedding during the ceremony in his honor, and it was the very same song that came on the speakers as Paul and I waited for our 3rd IUI. I sat there frozen, eyes closed, with this huge grin on my face, I just 'felt' him with us. Can't explain it but a sense of calm came over me. Paul thought something was wrong but I just couldn't bring myself to read while the song played. Just minutes before my best friend and I were texting back and forth, odd coincidence #2. I just felt at peace, I just felt like he may be helping us. Out of all the songs that could play over the speakers (most of which were nature relaxation sounds). It was a pleasant surprise to hear. Even if this one doesn't work I know it's a moment I'll always remember. Later that day I had a few chips (Naughty me) and wouldn't you know it one of the chips near a corner had a heart shaped hole in it. I did take a photo that I'll share later. Pauls numbers were amazing and my follicle count was great.
Even though these little things may have no impact on our IUI. If we do manage to get a sticky positive it will somehow be something I very much so remember.
It's odd how little things, little cues can just help make the day better. Can somehow give you peace when all you feel is fear, anxiousness and sadness.
If this IUI doesn't work I don't think I'll be as upset. It's one thing to say it, I know. But I'm just not in this big hurry. I'm waiting until my beta to find out the news. I will as I said earlier cherish that feeling that washed over me. I miss him very much and 10 years later there are always times that I think of him. To be reminded of him even in the smallest way is always something I treasure. Now as I write this Josh Groban is playing "Don't give up." Again I'm smiling at these little messages I'm interpreting. If Tom was alive to hear his voice I feel he would have loved his music as much as he loved Bocelli
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
This little being...
I recently came upon a post that had something very moving that I wanted to share. I'm not sure or the original source but I think it's very beautiful.
I'm finally at a point where reading something like that doesn't cause me to ball my eyes out. Right after we lost Angela I was sent a few messages with quotes about angel babies. I have to say each one I just couldn't get through. Mind you it was still very raw at that time (like days) I loved what they sent but it hurt to read. Now going back it helps the healing process later on in the grieving stages.
The above quoted text just feels right, and brings me a huge amount of comfort for all of the angels we lost in 2012 < 3
"Trust that this life force came into your life to give you something, to open your heart a little wider. That this being had a purpose and fulfilled it and moved on. That this being came to clear the way in some way for the child that is meant to grow and stay."
I'm finally at a point where reading something like that doesn't cause me to ball my eyes out. Right after we lost Angela I was sent a few messages with quotes about angel babies. I have to say each one I just couldn't get through. Mind you it was still very raw at that time (like days) I loved what they sent but it hurt to read. Now going back it helps the healing process later on in the grieving stages.
The above quoted text just feels right, and brings me a huge amount of comfort for all of the angels we lost in 2012 < 3
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Photo post
Thursday, February 7, 2013
There's planning to be a parent then there's knowing what you'll do
The 'perks' of trying for children for so long is I've had time to 'dream' about how we'll raise our children. I also have had time to really read through mothering blogs pre and post postpartum. Often you see the same theme. "Plan till your hearts content but you'll likely have to throw them out the window." I've had to over time adjust my thinking that as much as I may want a vaginal birth, that may not happen. As much as I may want to breastfeed that also may not happen. I have to be open to other possibilities so that when it comes down to those situations I'm not utterly heartbroken. I've learned to be a bit more flexible in my thoughts on parenting.
However, I've also learned there are certain things I'm unwilling to flex on. Please note that the following may not match those of your beliefs and that's ok. I'm just speaking from my own beliefs and what my moral standards are for myself and for my children. This is not me saying others are wrong in their teachings, just that I don't share those beliefs.
One of the major things I've always sought in life is to fight for equality. When I was younger I didn't judge people based on their skin, gender, or sexual preference. Perhaps being in hockey allowed me to be introduced to some amazing women who happened to be lesbians. This isn't the case for every hockey team (that'd be stereotyping) but It was at least on the teams I played on a part of my life. I was exposed to people who were gay at a young age. In truth it never bothered me, they were still amazing people and friends in my life who never made me feel uncomfortable. If someone did I'd be honest with them and let them know they were crossing a line.
In recent news I'm sure many readers are familiar with the Boy Scouts of America and their ban on Gay's (it's been this way for 100 years) and how they're looking to overturn that 'ruling'. I have to say that was great to hear. +1 for equality. Something that did cross my mind is what happens if they don't pass this? My husband and his family are heavily into BSOA. With that I've had to consider, what happens if we're ever blessed with a child who is a boy, and this rule still stands? I've really learned that there are things that I just can't be flexible on. I'm sad to say (as I'd hate to break that tradition) I will not allow them to join up if no changes are made. There are a few things I morally can't go against and intolerance to this degree I don't want my child partaking in.
I mean many children at the age that start boy scouts are unlikely to even identify with their sexual orientation in such a deep way. I don't know how the BSOA has 'kept them out' in the past. In truth I didn't know much about Boy Scouts, from what I was exposed to it was something I wanted to continue with our own son. But after learning this, I just can't now turn a blind eye. Do they not allow a member based on how they act or do they wait for the 'official' word. Many children who reach their teens are (while it's getting better) less likely to come out at such a young age. So I'm just mildly baffled at the rule in the first place and how it's enforced.
I've already had a discussion with my husband that this is just something I can't compromise on if that's what the organization stands for. I know it's a discussion we'll have again when and if we ever get to that point. But for now I had to voice my concerns if this rule isn't removed.
Photos like this upset me, to see children at this gathering is sad: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/02/07/us/boy-scouts-postpone-decision-on-gays.html?_r=0 Bringing children who may not entirely understand the concept 'stand' for keep god in sin out' just isn't something I want my son learning.
I do want to say I know the BSOA has done alot for my husband and has taught him many valuable life lessons. You can tell that it helped him grow into the helpful, resourceful and respectful man he is today. (along side his parents of course, who IMHO made the most amazing man I could ask for) I don't want to take away from those aspects of what Boy Scouts and Eagel Scouts has done for my husband and his family. But in the same breath I can't ignore what I know now, and we all have our deal breakers, unfortunately this particular topic is a huge deal breaker for me. My husband is certainly always free to part take in volunteering events with BSOA but if the rules don't change I can't allow our son to par take :( and in truth that makes me very sad.
However, I've also learned there are certain things I'm unwilling to flex on. Please note that the following may not match those of your beliefs and that's ok. I'm just speaking from my own beliefs and what my moral standards are for myself and for my children. This is not me saying others are wrong in their teachings, just that I don't share those beliefs.
One of the major things I've always sought in life is to fight for equality. When I was younger I didn't judge people based on their skin, gender, or sexual preference. Perhaps being in hockey allowed me to be introduced to some amazing women who happened to be lesbians. This isn't the case for every hockey team (that'd be stereotyping) but It was at least on the teams I played on a part of my life. I was exposed to people who were gay at a young age. In truth it never bothered me, they were still amazing people and friends in my life who never made me feel uncomfortable. If someone did I'd be honest with them and let them know they were crossing a line.
In recent news I'm sure many readers are familiar with the Boy Scouts of America and their ban on Gay's (it's been this way for 100 years) and how they're looking to overturn that 'ruling'. I have to say that was great to hear. +1 for equality. Something that did cross my mind is what happens if they don't pass this? My husband and his family are heavily into BSOA. With that I've had to consider, what happens if we're ever blessed with a child who is a boy, and this rule still stands? I've really learned that there are things that I just can't be flexible on. I'm sad to say (as I'd hate to break that tradition) I will not allow them to join up if no changes are made. There are a few things I morally can't go against and intolerance to this degree I don't want my child partaking in.
I mean many children at the age that start boy scouts are unlikely to even identify with their sexual orientation in such a deep way. I don't know how the BSOA has 'kept them out' in the past. In truth I didn't know much about Boy Scouts, from what I was exposed to it was something I wanted to continue with our own son. But after learning this, I just can't now turn a blind eye. Do they not allow a member based on how they act or do they wait for the 'official' word. Many children who reach their teens are (while it's getting better) less likely to come out at such a young age. So I'm just mildly baffled at the rule in the first place and how it's enforced.
I've already had a discussion with my husband that this is just something I can't compromise on if that's what the organization stands for. I know it's a discussion we'll have again when and if we ever get to that point. But for now I had to voice my concerns if this rule isn't removed.
Photos like this upset me, to see children at this gathering is sad: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/02/07/us/boy-scouts-postpone-decision-on-gays.html?_r=0 Bringing children who may not entirely understand the concept 'stand' for keep god in sin out' just isn't something I want my son learning.
I do want to say I know the BSOA has done alot for my husband and has taught him many valuable life lessons. You can tell that it helped him grow into the helpful, resourceful and respectful man he is today. (along side his parents of course, who IMHO made the most amazing man I could ask for) I don't want to take away from those aspects of what Boy Scouts and Eagel Scouts has done for my husband and his family. But in the same breath I can't ignore what I know now, and we all have our deal breakers, unfortunately this particular topic is a huge deal breaker for me. My husband is certainly always free to part take in volunteering events with BSOA but if the rules don't change I can't allow our son to par take :( and in truth that makes me very sad.
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