Don't Give Up

IUI #2 didn't work and man was it a hard cycle. I'm not sure how to exactly describe it but I just was an emotional wreck filled with little to no hope. I have no clue what happened but it just overall wasn't a good cycle emotionally. When AF came it was such a huge blow. I think I just had these unrealistic expectations that because #1 worked of course #2 would work with double the follicles. No dice.

It took me a good week after AF showed up for me to reset and begin with our 3rd IUI. This cycle thus far we've had more hope and although I'm still on the emotional side I'm not an emotional wreck. Thank you fertility drugs for making me a maniac, my poor husband.

This cycle seemed to progress quicker and the protocol was a bit different from last time. Last two times they've only ever done 2 days of higher dose of Gonal F then down to 75. This time it was 7 days of 150 and 2 days of 75. My IUI was 2 days earlier then predicted, and honestly I don't mind as it means a shorter cycle of waiting. I did notice a difference in how I felt with such high doses. I noticed a lot of discomfort, the last few days I felt like I was ready to burst pants fitting tighter and just overall uncomfortable. At our last scan they found 4-5 mature follicles. That surprisingly enough didn't scare me, what did was my estridol levels. Most women doing an IUI RE clinics like to keep that number below 2000 (anything over women are at risk for OHSS ). I was at 3444 this time and man did I feel it the day I ovulated, I was tempted to go in because of the massive pain I was in. Luckily I drank tons of Gatorade and increased my salt intake (as suggested by my dr) just for the day. The next day I felt amazing.

The actual day of the IUI I think gave me so much hope. Not the same hope that we had with IUI#2. It's more of a realistic hope that some day, one of these cycles we'll get it right.

I texted my little 'sister'. Quick back story she has been apart of my life for 21 years. We have been through a lot together and even though we're not related by blood I consider her my sister. Her father passed away from cancer when she was 15 and his death shook both her and I's world. Her father was a father to me, and my father a father to her. Our fathers were best friends and so very close. So when he passed we both clung onto each other. Her father was a VERY passionate man, there are many times I remember being on the road for a hockey game and him just blaring the music belting it out. Us in the back seat meager back up singers :). One song he loved and you could tell was so passionate about was. "Time to say goodbye." by Andrea Bocelli. He played it at least once during the rides. It's the song they played at his funeral, it's the song we played at our wedding during the ceremony in his honor, and it was the very same song that came on the speakers as Paul and I waited for our 3rd IUI. I sat there frozen, eyes closed, with this huge grin on my face, I just 'felt' him with us. Can't explain it but a sense of calm came over me. Paul thought something was wrong but I just couldn't bring myself to read while the song played. Just minutes before my best friend and I were texting back and forth, odd coincidence #2. I just felt at peace, I just felt like he may be helping us. Out of all the songs that could play over the speakers (most of which were nature relaxation sounds). It was a pleasant surprise to hear. Even if this one doesn't work I know it's a moment I'll always remember. Later that day I had a few chips (Naughty me) and wouldn't you know it one of the chips near a corner had a heart shaped hole in it. I did take a photo that I'll share later. Pauls numbers were amazing and my follicle count was great.

Even though these little things may have no impact on our IUI. If we do manage to get a sticky positive it will somehow be something I very much so remember.

It's odd how little things, little cues can just help make the day better. Can somehow give you peace when all you feel is fear, anxiousness and sadness.

If this IUI doesn't work I don't think I'll be as upset. It's one thing to say it, I know. But I'm just not in this big hurry. I'm waiting until my beta to find out the news. I will as I said earlier cherish that feeling that washed over me. I miss him very much and 10 years later there are always times that I think of him. To be reminded of him even in the smallest way is always something I treasure. Now as I write this Josh Groban is playing "Don't give up." Again I'm smiling at these little messages I'm interpreting. If Tom was alive to hear his voice I feel he would have loved his music as much as he loved Bocelli