Miscarriage: Feeling Ignored

This is a topic that recently came up in one of the forums I'm active in. The young lady expressed how she was very upset with a friend due to her lack of support after her miscarriage. She felt that her friends should reach out to her since she was the one grieving. She was hurt and distraught that her friend could make her feel so alone. It's something I've seen talked about a lot and I thought I'd add my own perspective. This is my answer to her post but I felt it would make a good blog post as well.

Please note these are just my own thoughts on this topic. I feel because I was the way I was I never fully understood being mad at friends for being so distant, since it's exactly what I needed at the time.





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You have to understand that for everyone miscarriages are handled differently. Even though I've gone through 4 myself I still wouldn't know how to handle another persons loss. Let me explain why. When someone miscarries each person grieves differently. Some want and need constant attention or at least knowing that people are thinking of them. Others want to remain numb for a while longer, don't want to see anyone and really want to seclude themselves from the world. With all my miscarriages I wanted time to myself. I really didn't want texts or people telling me that they were thinking of me. I wanted to stay numb. Every text I'd get would make me cry harder. My IL wanted to come over the day it happened to be there for me and I kindly asked them not to come over. I wanted to cry, shout and anything else I needed to do in the privacy of my own home. By myself and with my husband. For me it was a very private matter in terms of how we grieved and I like that it went uninterrupted. I really did want to be forgotten for a little bit, and my friends knew I'd come to them when I was ready.

So I disagree with your stance of expecting your friends to make the move. She told you to text her if you needed to talk, have you done that? If not then the ball is still in your court. You need to make it clear what you need right now. She sounds like she's trying; the card was a fail, but think about it this way. She sent it as a way to say I'm thinking of you in her own way. That honestly has to count for something. Maybe she just signed it because again she didn't know what to say.

My best friend and I had this very conversation not to long ago. She admitted she didn't know how to respond. She didn't know how to be supportive. She worried if she brought the losses up that it would make me sadder. She just overall didn't know how to approach it. She sent me a text when I told her it happened letting me know she was there for me. To me that makes it then my responsibility to say "hey I need you right now." Much like any loss people don't know if bringing up the subject will make the situation better or worse. This is why I'm a strong advocate for people speaking up for what they need and want. You can't entirely expect friends to know what kind of support you need right now and sometimes you have to reach out and let them know what kind of support you need.

I'm terribly sorry for your loss but I truly don't think I'd take it out on your friend. I really think when it comes to these topics people truly don't know how to conduct themselves, and rightly so when everyone again grieves oh so differently. Again as I said even though I've been through it 4 times, my first reaction would be to approach it how I wanted people to be with ours, but since I realize that everyone grieves differently I'd send my condolences then wait for the said person to kind of show me what they'd need in terms of support.

20 weeks - Halfway there.

Well there is a bit to catch up on.

First of all everything is still going well. We reached the 20 week mark, halfway and honestly I'm still in disbelief that we're here. I'll admit there were days (before my bump) that I just plum forgot that I was pregnant. I'm still waiting for someone to come and pinch me.

We also found out that we'll be welcoming a little girl. (hopefully, don't you love that I still preface the future with hope? hard habit to crack really). My husband and I did a little BBQ reveal with a bunch of family and friends. Paul knew at the BBQ and I didn't, it was a very special and surreal moment for us.



Her name will be Anastasia Ila Rose. Ila is my late grandmothers name and Rose is Pauls grandmothers name. I'll admit for the longest time I thought we were having a boy. But I did have numerous dreams about a little girl. One of these dreams in particular will always stick with me. For the longest time we knew we'd call her if it was a girl - Anastasia Rose. One night I had a dream where I called a little girl Anastasia Ila Rose. When I woke up I realized that the name just fit that it had a bit of my family in it as well. The final kicker I just recently found out is the name we chose for our daughter, the name I've had picked out since the movie in 1997. (Side note this movie was also instrumental in our wedding. As a song from the movie we had for our first dance. I promise I'm not obsessed with the movie, everything just fit.

So to the 'kicker' part, my best friend told me after I told her the gender and name that it was her fathers name. Remember that man I spoke about in my 3rd IUI post where I could feel him with us the very same cycle that we conceived Anastasia, our due date that coincides with the day he passed away? The very same man had the male version of our daughters name. I was stunned. We called him Tom but his real name was Anastasius (greek). I never ever put two and two together as I always thought Russian when I heard Anastasia's name (thanks to the movie). I don't think there could be any more coincidences in this conception. It's just solidified that he's with us and looking out for us. My best friend had chills when I told her all of these coincidences. She loved it.

Sorry that was a bit more drawn out than I anticipated.

Since finding out we're having a girl my excitement level has risen a bit. I'm still a tiny bit standoff-ish and I think I'm getting to the point of acceptance for how my emotions are being during this pregnancy. I don't think I'll ever fully buy in until she's in our arms. That realism I don't think I can ever fully let go of and I've come to accept that and know that it's ok. Whatever helps us get through these moments, it's ok. I have started making little items for her, more burp cloths, a pair of crocheted booties. The next projects on my list are a baby blanket and her going home outfit. 

I look back on this journey and I feel a bit of peace. I remember how we were just a year ago, going through our second miscarriage and feeling so hopeless, having to entertain the thought that we may be a child free home. Thinking of how our 'house' plans would change if it was just the two of us and our 2 pets. Sure I had to realize there were benefits to living a life child free but after some deep deep soul searching I realized it'd be far down on my list of things I wanted for our life. I knew during all of last year that if I could help it our life wouldn't be a biologically free child home. I realized just what I'd give up for the life changes that would come our way. With each loss that fight got stronger and stronger. It was a huge wake-up call for us both. I also remember the drive I had, every loss sucked so so much but with it came this unbelievable strength to keep pushing on to ask more questions seek the answers out. A cycle lost was another month we didn't achieve success. I think getting back on the horse attitude I had is what helped the most. I didn't give myself time to sit and think, I just knew what had to be and we had to keep trying. I'm at peace knowing that we've come out of this a stronger couple, a more sympathetic couple to others and their life struggles, stronger individuals, the amount of times we brushed our selves off and kept going lets me know that if we can pick ourselves up after that many tragedies, we could literally achieve anything. I resent what I went through in a way but I wouldn't change the person it's made me and the wife it's made me to my husband and my husband to me.

This journey made us realize just how much and how far we'd go for our family dreams. It left little to no room for questioning if this is where we wanted life. By the end of our 4th loss it was very clear. I keep those struggles in my mind each and every day.

In the end I wouldn't trade places with the old me, with the me last year. This is exactly where I want us to be. And hopefully in November our family wish comes true. 

I hope for everyone who reads this, that their family wish comes true. I know this journey is hard and it will test your limits, your sanity and your will power. Believe in your ability to pick yourself back up, it'll be hard but the effort, the work and even in sadness all of it is worth the fight for that little being. Blessings to all of you, know I'm here for you to talk to should you ever need an ear to vent to, a friend to confide in and a friend to kick you in the rear when you need it. The fight is hard and none of it will be easy, but it will be worth it. Promise... No matter what happens good or bad you will find a way to make it through one step and one day at a time.

Love, hugs and best wishes.