20 weeks - Halfway there.

Well there is a bit to catch up on.

First of all everything is still going well. We reached the 20 week mark, halfway and honestly I'm still in disbelief that we're here. I'll admit there were days (before my bump) that I just plum forgot that I was pregnant. I'm still waiting for someone to come and pinch me.

We also found out that we'll be welcoming a little girl. (hopefully, don't you love that I still preface the future with hope? hard habit to crack really). My husband and I did a little BBQ reveal with a bunch of family and friends. Paul knew at the BBQ and I didn't, it was a very special and surreal moment for us.



Her name will be Anastasia Ila Rose. Ila is my late grandmothers name and Rose is Pauls grandmothers name. I'll admit for the longest time I thought we were having a boy. But I did have numerous dreams about a little girl. One of these dreams in particular will always stick with me. For the longest time we knew we'd call her if it was a girl - Anastasia Rose. One night I had a dream where I called a little girl Anastasia Ila Rose. When I woke up I realized that the name just fit that it had a bit of my family in it as well. The final kicker I just recently found out is the name we chose for our daughter, the name I've had picked out since the movie in 1997. (Side note this movie was also instrumental in our wedding. As a song from the movie we had for our first dance. I promise I'm not obsessed with the movie, everything just fit.

So to the 'kicker' part, my best friend told me after I told her the gender and name that it was her fathers name. Remember that man I spoke about in my 3rd IUI post where I could feel him with us the very same cycle that we conceived Anastasia, our due date that coincides with the day he passed away? The very same man had the male version of our daughters name. I was stunned. We called him Tom but his real name was Anastasius (greek). I never ever put two and two together as I always thought Russian when I heard Anastasia's name (thanks to the movie). I don't think there could be any more coincidences in this conception. It's just solidified that he's with us and looking out for us. My best friend had chills when I told her all of these coincidences. She loved it.

Sorry that was a bit more drawn out than I anticipated.

Since finding out we're having a girl my excitement level has risen a bit. I'm still a tiny bit standoff-ish and I think I'm getting to the point of acceptance for how my emotions are being during this pregnancy. I don't think I'll ever fully buy in until she's in our arms. That realism I don't think I can ever fully let go of and I've come to accept that and know that it's ok. Whatever helps us get through these moments, it's ok. I have started making little items for her, more burp cloths, a pair of crocheted booties. The next projects on my list are a baby blanket and her going home outfit. 

I look back on this journey and I feel a bit of peace. I remember how we were just a year ago, going through our second miscarriage and feeling so hopeless, having to entertain the thought that we may be a child free home. Thinking of how our 'house' plans would change if it was just the two of us and our 2 pets. Sure I had to realize there were benefits to living a life child free but after some deep deep soul searching I realized it'd be far down on my list of things I wanted for our life. I knew during all of last year that if I could help it our life wouldn't be a biologically free child home. I realized just what I'd give up for the life changes that would come our way. With each loss that fight got stronger and stronger. It was a huge wake-up call for us both. I also remember the drive I had, every loss sucked so so much but with it came this unbelievable strength to keep pushing on to ask more questions seek the answers out. A cycle lost was another month we didn't achieve success. I think getting back on the horse attitude I had is what helped the most. I didn't give myself time to sit and think, I just knew what had to be and we had to keep trying. I'm at peace knowing that we've come out of this a stronger couple, a more sympathetic couple to others and their life struggles, stronger individuals, the amount of times we brushed our selves off and kept going lets me know that if we can pick ourselves up after that many tragedies, we could literally achieve anything. I resent what I went through in a way but I wouldn't change the person it's made me and the wife it's made me to my husband and my husband to me.

This journey made us realize just how much and how far we'd go for our family dreams. It left little to no room for questioning if this is where we wanted life. By the end of our 4th loss it was very clear. I keep those struggles in my mind each and every day.

In the end I wouldn't trade places with the old me, with the me last year. This is exactly where I want us to be. And hopefully in November our family wish comes true. 

I hope for everyone who reads this, that their family wish comes true. I know this journey is hard and it will test your limits, your sanity and your will power. Believe in your ability to pick yourself back up, it'll be hard but the effort, the work and even in sadness all of it is worth the fight for that little being. Blessings to all of you, know I'm here for you to talk to should you ever need an ear to vent to, a friend to confide in and a friend to kick you in the rear when you need it. The fight is hard and none of it will be easy, but it will be worth it. Promise... No matter what happens good or bad you will find a way to make it through one step and one day at a time.

Love, hugs and best wishes.

The first 3 weeks of pregnancy

The first 3 weeks of pregnancy has been enjoyable but also very very stressful. I realize that I wasn't really able to let you know how the first 3 weeks went. So I figured I'd let you in on how it all went.

Someone told me on a pregnancy loss forum that with miscarriages single or multiples you can't un-know what you know about the possibility of loss. The first one I chalked up to "oh it's a fluke and it happens to some women". Which is true. Then came our second (perhaps the most devastating of the 3). This time I was truly in it. I thought "wow we've had our fluke this is the real deal, my beta's were better then the first." I truly believed that would be when we'd get our take home baby. So when we got pregnant for the third time I noticed a huge huge mental shift, everything I thought was negative, I thought if I believed I was pregnant that that alone would cause a miscarriage (the things we think). I was a disconnected mess with our third, but my grieving time was minimal (NOT that I didn't see this child in the same light as the others. Because I did and still do).

This time around I noticed the same disconnected feelings, I felt comfort in being negative about our chances of carrying the child (still at times do) because it's easier to grieve if we haven't fully bought into the idea. I think women on the forum I was on thought I was ape shit crazy. I'd post worrying about many things, first my beta's, then my tests, not feeling pregnant (no real symptoms), then worrying about not seeing a sac which after the first scan then transformed into will there be anything inside of the sac, to is there going to be a heartbeat. The worrying has been mentally exhausting and has really taken the ability to be happy and enjoy pregnancy hard. My turning point or at least 180 was our last scan. I'm a see it to believe it type of gal, seeing our little one right where it should be lifted a lot of our spirits. I noticed the knots slowly release. They're still there but since the scan I've noticed a shift, a shift in myself and in my husband. He now touches my belly a lot more and you can feel him wanting to connect with the baby. Our embraces are now of happiness and relief. Before they were a bit tension and worry filled. I look back and can't believe that we're already 7 weeks 1 day. We found out we were pregnant on 3weeks 3 days (very early). I'ts hard to believe we'll be going on 4 weeks already, if this is any indication for how the time will fly with this pregnancy I'd like it to slow just a tiny bit. Perhaps after the first trimester so we can fully breath a sigh of relief.

Because of being blessed with not 'feeling' pregnant I want to enjoy it all the more. It's amazing how foregin the concept was to us for close to 3 1/2 years. To now have a taste of victory it's truly bitter sweet. It was such a tough tough journey one that many women in this world have to fight for and are still fighting for. Those women remain my inspiration and I hope anyone reading this struggling can find some ray of hope, to not give up (even when it's so so hard), to ALWAYS seek the best care and answers (because YOU deserve the best and honest answers). The journey is tough and sometimes you have to take things into your own hands. Trust your gut and feel comfortable with those who are working with you to give you, your little miracle.

Fear of the Unkown

I'm afraid, I'm very afraid that I won't ever be able to get past our fertility problems. I fear that if the day should come where we're told we can't have children, that I just won't be able to accept it. I worry that how I feel now about others pregnancy and ability to have children will send me into the darkest depths of hell. I fear that place, I fear the next steps and what will become of me if we don't end up with a child. No having a child isn't our entire life. But realizing that it may never happen for you is an overall terrifying thought. I know me, I know how passionately I am about things I plan for my life. I know how hard I fall and how hard it is for me to just 'let go' and 'move on'. I really dislike that part about me. Many things have been taken from me, some at my own fault but others completely out of my hands. I'm grateful for the loving husband I have, family and friends. But I'm scared that if that day should come where we no longer have hope to hold onto that I'll loose grip of life and of happiness as a whole. I fought my depression in University with my husband holding my hand. I just don't know how much longer I can go on like this. It's 3 years to the month since we started this journey. This is one of those life questions that I'd love to have answered. I know I'll need to seek therapy if we can't have children. It's the only way I can possibly see myself being able to pick up the pieces of a shattered heart. I realize I'm talking as if that fate is already upon us, but fear, fear does funny things to us. I resent that fear for making me feel this way, for letting it into my life how I have. I'm hopeful that it won't win no matter what. i'm looking for the strength I lack right now. The strength to continue this hard hard journey. I just am tired, tired of temping, tired of taking extended measures to get pregnant. I've taken countless breaks and all ended up with me happy yes but as soon as I was around a pregnancy announcement, it put me in my dark place. I don't know what I'm looking for in this post.... No I do... A Miracle