New Year, New Hope

It's amazing how a change of a day can some how help reset your strength and hope. I have been feeling so much better, I have been feeling more like me the happy me that I lost at about a year mark of this journey.

I'm excited and nervous for tomorrows appointment. I'd love to get the news that we'll be put on fertility meds tomorrow but in retrospect I'm happy we can try again so soon. The other side of me is absolutely terrified, I'm terrified of (oddly enough) getting pregnant again. I'm terrified of what that does to me emotionally, how much worrying I put myself through. I know this time around no amount of comforting words will make me feel like there's light at the end of the tunnel and I'll just have to find ways to cope with the anxiety that pregnancy seems to plague me with now. I'm in high hopes that the anti anxiety meds I'm on (which are pregnancy safe btw) will help curb that anxiety and over obsessive nature I get once we get pregnant. I almost don't like the person I become, very negative and such a worry wart. I am going to try to hold onto the thought that the medication they had me on with Angela helped and WORKED. That I know at some point will be a helpful thought that I wasn't able to have with our last pregnancy as it was our first time on the RPL protocol.

Either way I've been trying to keep my excitement just to excitement. I've been really focusing on my health and learning to live with PCOS. I turned to the South Beach diet and so far I've found between it and weight watchers it really caters to my PCOS minimizing carbs to a huge extent which is what I needed. Weight watchers is an amazing program but it opened my eyes to the fact that literally not every diet program works for everyone. Sometimes per-existing conditions will require a different approach be taken. So I've been working out and really putting a good foot forward with my eating. So far I'm down 4lbs and have hopes of being down 10 lbs by my the time I have my IUI done.

So I've been one busy little bee, between going to Canada to see my family, to having a slew of photos to fix up, and I'm designing my Future Sister in Laws wedding invitations. There's so much to look forward to and so much to do in so little time. I like my activity level now though and I really think it's attributing to my happiness as well. It always feels better to know that you're doing something and not just sitting at a computer. I found it really played into why I wasn't happy. It was my excuse for not getting up and doing things with my fitness and overall things with my family. That's just me and was a huge eye opener over how much time I literally spent on the internet. Others know moderation where I didn't. So 2013 my word of the year is "Moderation" this will speak to many facets of our life. Moderation in food, moderation in internet, moderation in money. Moderation is my key :). 

The first 3 weeks of pregnancy

The first 3 weeks of pregnancy has been enjoyable but also very very stressful. I realize that I wasn't really able to let you know how the first 3 weeks went. So I figured I'd let you in on how it all went.

Someone told me on a pregnancy loss forum that with miscarriages single or multiples you can't un-know what you know about the possibility of loss. The first one I chalked up to "oh it's a fluke and it happens to some women". Which is true. Then came our second (perhaps the most devastating of the 3). This time I was truly in it. I thought "wow we've had our fluke this is the real deal, my beta's were better then the first." I truly believed that would be when we'd get our take home baby. So when we got pregnant for the third time I noticed a huge huge mental shift, everything I thought was negative, I thought if I believed I was pregnant that that alone would cause a miscarriage (the things we think). I was a disconnected mess with our third, but my grieving time was minimal (NOT that I didn't see this child in the same light as the others. Because I did and still do).

This time around I noticed the same disconnected feelings, I felt comfort in being negative about our chances of carrying the child (still at times do) because it's easier to grieve if we haven't fully bought into the idea. I think women on the forum I was on thought I was ape shit crazy. I'd post worrying about many things, first my beta's, then my tests, not feeling pregnant (no real symptoms), then worrying about not seeing a sac which after the first scan then transformed into will there be anything inside of the sac, to is there going to be a heartbeat. The worrying has been mentally exhausting and has really taken the ability to be happy and enjoy pregnancy hard. My turning point or at least 180 was our last scan. I'm a see it to believe it type of gal, seeing our little one right where it should be lifted a lot of our spirits. I noticed the knots slowly release. They're still there but since the scan I've noticed a shift, a shift in myself and in my husband. He now touches my belly a lot more and you can feel him wanting to connect with the baby. Our embraces are now of happiness and relief. Before they were a bit tension and worry filled. I look back and can't believe that we're already 7 weeks 1 day. We found out we were pregnant on 3weeks 3 days (very early). I'ts hard to believe we'll be going on 4 weeks already, if this is any indication for how the time will fly with this pregnancy I'd like it to slow just a tiny bit. Perhaps after the first trimester so we can fully breath a sigh of relief.

Because of being blessed with not 'feeling' pregnant I want to enjoy it all the more. It's amazing how foregin the concept was to us for close to 3 1/2 years. To now have a taste of victory it's truly bitter sweet. It was such a tough tough journey one that many women in this world have to fight for and are still fighting for. Those women remain my inspiration and I hope anyone reading this struggling can find some ray of hope, to not give up (even when it's so so hard), to ALWAYS seek the best care and answers (because YOU deserve the best and honest answers). The journey is tough and sometimes you have to take things into your own hands. Trust your gut and feel comfortable with those who are working with you to give you, your little miracle.

Slightly Nervous

As it's been stated we've been going through some testing.

Well I forget if I mentioned it or not but I had a cyst and recently I had an ultrasound to check up on this cyst. It measured in 5cm and on the second check it had not resolved.

I went to the surgeon the other day and surprisingly enough I was very calm. The Dr was very polite and nice as I'm sure many are lol. She's one of the best in this area so knowing that fact I think made it easier. She told me surgery is a must at this point to help promote fertility. So they will be doing a cyst removal, looking for endometriosis both in the uterus and outside, then the final test will be a dye that's used to ensure that the tubes are open and working. At this point while I'll be happy to get pregnant, I'm more or less just happy to get rid of this monthly pain. Pregnancy at this point will be a bonus.

My husband came in a little after I was talking to the Dr. as he was just getting back from his Dr with a clean bill of health. When he came in he was so attentive to me, he even sat on the bed with me. I'm not a PDA person but it felt good and reassuring. I actually think he's more nervous than I am. To me it's not a big deal. We really have only shared what's going on to 3 close friends and our parents. I find there's no need to worry anyone over a small procedure. Well I lied I did tell all the ladies on TN who have been nothing but supportive.

Surgery is scheduled for the 28th of this month and it will be an outpatient procedure. On the plus sides I get to wear sweats and my hubby will be taking care of me after the procedure.

I think the reason why I'm not so nervous is because I have a near and dear friend of mine who has gone through this. There's nothing better than being best friends with someone who UNDERSTANDS what life is like, with the pain and with the infertility. If there's one person who I want to see get pregnant it's this girl. I wish every night that she'll get that blessing. Not to mention is is one of the most maternal women I've ever met. It's so natural for her and it's inspiring to see her with little children. Both her and her husband will make amazing parents. Again it has been so great to have her there for me. I'm not much of a 'talk about me' person, I'm more of an advice giver so sometimes it's nice to have the roles reversed. Not to mention she's a 45 min drive from us which is easy peasy. She's already said they'll be driving out to see me the day of the surgery. Her husband will undoubtedly make fun of my canadianess to which I'll have to have my dog hurt him in my place ;). Kindness like that, and general care for me means more than words can express.

All in all things are going well. I'm perhaps a bit nervous but I'd like to think that's to be expected. Having surgery without my family close and it being my first surgery. But besides that I have a pretty lax attitude about it.

I know this was a pretty boring update but it's an update all the same.

Cheers