6 week scan

We had our second ultrasound today. We have great news and not so great news. We saw a sac and a little baby in there with a little flicker that was the heartbeat. It was so so amazing to witness. The second sac was no longer there, the nurse practitioner said the baby either reabsorbed into the body or that he/she is hiding. They will be sure to check at future ultrasounds but for right there there is one little baby in there.

Here's the scan photo from today. I shocked at how much I'm able to see. The little head (bent down) the little nubs for arms. It's truly a beautiful sight.

6 weeks 0 days Ultrasound

We're very excited and feeling utterly blessed. We realize again that anything cn happen but this is a great start!

New Year, New Hope

It's amazing how a change of a day can some how help reset your strength and hope. I have been feeling so much better, I have been feeling more like me the happy me that I lost at about a year mark of this journey.

I'm excited and nervous for tomorrows appointment. I'd love to get the news that we'll be put on fertility meds tomorrow but in retrospect I'm happy we can try again so soon. The other side of me is absolutely terrified, I'm terrified of (oddly enough) getting pregnant again. I'm terrified of what that does to me emotionally, how much worrying I put myself through. I know this time around no amount of comforting words will make me feel like there's light at the end of the tunnel and I'll just have to find ways to cope with the anxiety that pregnancy seems to plague me with now. I'm in high hopes that the anti anxiety meds I'm on (which are pregnancy safe btw) will help curb that anxiety and over obsessive nature I get once we get pregnant. I almost don't like the person I become, very negative and such a worry wart. I am going to try to hold onto the thought that the medication they had me on with Angela helped and WORKED. That I know at some point will be a helpful thought that I wasn't able to have with our last pregnancy as it was our first time on the RPL protocol.

Either way I've been trying to keep my excitement just to excitement. I've been really focusing on my health and learning to live with PCOS. I turned to the South Beach diet and so far I've found between it and weight watchers it really caters to my PCOS minimizing carbs to a huge extent which is what I needed. Weight watchers is an amazing program but it opened my eyes to the fact that literally not every diet program works for everyone. Sometimes per-existing conditions will require a different approach be taken. So I've been working out and really putting a good foot forward with my eating. So far I'm down 4lbs and have hopes of being down 10 lbs by my the time I have my IUI done.

So I've been one busy little bee, between going to Canada to see my family, to having a slew of photos to fix up, and I'm designing my Future Sister in Laws wedding invitations. There's so much to look forward to and so much to do in so little time. I like my activity level now though and I really think it's attributing to my happiness as well. It always feels better to know that you're doing something and not just sitting at a computer. I found it really played into why I wasn't happy. It was my excuse for not getting up and doing things with my fitness and overall things with my family. That's just me and was a huge eye opener over how much time I literally spent on the internet. Others know moderation where I didn't. So 2013 my word of the year is "Moderation" this will speak to many facets of our life. Moderation in food, moderation in internet, moderation in money. Moderation is my key :). 

Our 1st IUI experience

Well this post has been long overdue and I'm sorry it took so long to give you our first IUI experience.

IUI was at best very taxing, with all the appointments and having to drive 1 hr 1/2 every other day for 2 weeks, got to us a bit. We kept our focus on the possible prize. With every injection I realized that this may or may not work, and with that we will likely have to do this again 3 or 4 more times before getting pregnant or have to move onto IVF. It makes it insanely hard not to think about especially when you put in so much effort, time and money.

The one thing I feel extremely happy about was that our RE's office had 6:30 appointment time slots. This meant that we could be back to work without having to make up any time really. The speed of the office was amazing. Since we'd be the first appointment we'd get in quick, they'd take my blood and then do a quick ultra sound to see where our follicles were at, then make a decision on if our medication dosage needed to be upped. At one point it did but honestly the injections weren't bad at all. As I said in my previous post its just getting over that hurdle of sticking yourself with a needle.

On September 28th my RE gave me a trigger shot along with my interlipid transfusion. Both went really well.

On September 29th we were scheduled to have our IUI. To say I was nervous was a bit of an understatement. What helped was having our friends with us. Strange I know but this family has been through so much with us and it was truly special to hear S ask if she, her husband and son could come with us. She and her family wanted to do whatever in their power to help and support us. It was truly such a precious moment. We got there and had Paul give his sample to be washed (it's really amazing the technology they have to do all of this!). We went down to Tim hortons for 30 mins then went back to the clinic. I asked S if she'd like to come in with us. I have no shame and I know it was a special moment for her just as it was for Paul and I. After all is said and done the hardest part of that day was the waiting and wondering. The procedure itself was done so fast and was painless. Paul held my hand as we exchanged nervous glances. It was special and you could feel the love in the room.

After the procedure we went to the local Zoo and had a lot of fun with everyone :)

IuI #1

A whole lot has happened in such a short amount of time. I've learned so much about the IUI process (well not everything) but it feels very fulfilling to go through this process. (after struggling mind you).

I've put my thermometer away no more charting for me. I've relinquished the control and am allowing my RE to take care of it all. To say I'm so much more relaxed after not charting is an understatement. I didn't realize how much it stressed me out. If I wasn't able to know where I'm at in my cycle I'd still be stressed. But right now I find doing my temps to be redundant when we're going in almost every other day for follicle scans. I like not having that daily reminder of our struggles, truth be told that's what taking my temp every morning before I got out of bed did to me.

Now onto the fun stuff. This IUI cycle is done with injectables. For those of you less than familiar with the drugs you can take when you have fertility problems I'll explain them a little bit for you. The ones I'm going to explain are all medications I have taken. I know there are other fertility drugs you can take but as I said I'm not as familiar with them.

Please note what's written below is my own personal experience and understanding of IF drugs. I am not a doctor so please do not take my word for everything written here.

Clomid: Clomid is what a lot of doctors first start with when fertility problems arise. Clomid is a drug that helps women with ovulation problems or even Infertility problems. Doctors will  often start off with a low dosage then see how your cycles react to the medication. For us we used the lowest dosage of 50 mg. We did manage to get pregnant once on it.

Progesterone: Progesterone is something that is very important when it comes to sustaining a pregnancy. When you ovulate your progesterone should go up. This is also when you notice a big thermal shift in your chart. The progesterone should stay up (temperature up) until 12 Days past your ovulation. If it is less then that on a regular basis this is known as a Leutal Phase Defect. Progesterone supplements are often given to women with this problem so that their bodies don't shed the lining before the egg has time to implant. Some women can just have a lower then normal progesterone. If that's the case and is noted in previous losses then they will put you on progesterone supplements 3 days past ovulation so that the progesterone stays nice and high sustaining the pregnancy.

Lupron- This is an injectable drug. It is a Ovulation suppressing drug. This helps the RE's have a bit more control over when your eggs release. When they're ready for the release they'll use a trigger shot of HCG.

Gonal-  This is an injectable drug that is used to help facilitate in stimulating your follicles that carry the eggs for the IUI procedure.

hCG (trigger shot) -  Injectable used either a few days or the night before IUI to promote ovulation. This will cause a false pregnancy test. A lot of women choose to use pregnancy tests to see when the drug is out of their system so they know when the next positive they see isn't the drug.

Lovenox- I've been given this injecatable to take 3 days after the IUI. The Lovenox is often given to women with immune deficiencies. Or women with multiple losses. I wasn't tested for immune deficiencies, but I think at this point we're assuming something along those lines. The RE prefers to just do the Cocktail which won't hurt me but will help with sustaining a pregnancy. It is a blood thinner and women who end up pregnant may have to take the drug up to 36 weeks pregnant.

hCG Mixture- I'm given this also because of our losses. I'll have to take it if we get a pregnancy test and continue the injections until 10 weeks pregnant. From my understanding like the Lovenox it helps with sustaining a pregnancy. 

As you can see I'm on what many like to call the cocktail. I am not however doing Clomid. In Clomids place we are using the injectable method with Lupron and Gonal.

For anyone interested here is my IUI protocol:

Here is our IUI protocol:

Pre - IUI
CD 5 to Trigger -
Gonal 75 units
Lupron 5 units
Baby aspirin (have been on for a few months now)
Metformin (have been on for a few months now)

Interlipid therapy (1x every 4 weeks)

Trigger shot

Post IUI
3DPIUI
- Progestrone
- Lovenox (if pregnant will continue until 36 weeks)

If Positive Pregnancy test.
- Progesterone (12 Weeks)
- Baby Aspirin (36 weeks)
- Metformin (12 weeks)
- hCG shot (Novarel) (10 weeks)
- Lovenox (28 or 36 weeks)

The injections don't really hurt. I think it's getting over the entire "I'm sticking a needle in myself" that is the toughest hurdle. Which to me was fine after my first day. My husband has actually wanted to take an active role and I've had him fill the needles and he's been doing my injections. While some may find it odd I like it because it feels like we're basically doing this together. Makes him feel like he's helping, which he is in so many ways.

Today I went in for our follicle scan and it showed I had one follicle at 16 mm on the left and one 11 mm follicle on the right. A few other small ones but I'm hoping for at least 2 solid follicles by Saturday :) 16 is a great size already :) so grow Follies GROW!!

IUI will be on Saturday and I'm so fricken excited. I realize we probably won't get pregnant on our first try but a girl can hope <3

I will let you know how

Telling others: Living life as women struggling with fertilty

No road is too long for him who advances slowly and does not hurry, and no attainment is beyond his reach who equips himself with patience to achieve it. ~Jean de La Bruyère

TTC comes with the territory of the unspoken "It's taboo to discuss your private life with others to this degree". For a long time I felt this journey should be a private one where you suffered in silence. Only a little while ago did a post on our forum (www.tnh.proboards.com) make me question really why that was.

I always felt that if we told others that there would be this mass amount of pressure placed on our shoulders. That once the cat was out of the bag we'd get the annoying questions of "Are you pregnant yet?". We would deflect any questions regarding kids, almost making it seem like we would never have them or wanted them. I suppose it was misleading but in the same light it was what allowed us continue our journey without as many questions regarding trying to conceive.

I sat down with my husband and we talked it through. While at one point remaining private about us helped, it's now to a point where we don't want it to be private anymore. We want to be able to acknowledge the one thing that has been such a huge aspect in our life for 3 years now. I think it's important while reading this to not feel like you're being pushed to come out with your problems. I think each couple comes to the realization on their own terms and sometimes they never feel comfortable with ever telling. Which is ok, that was me for 3 years and had we got pregnant before now I don't think we would have ever told. So please know that you should only ever do what makes you and your spouse/significant other feel comfortable.

Our decision to tell the world (those we care about) I think really came about with us now having to go to a fertility clinic.

*Oh man I forgot to update you! The short of it is we will be going to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist in Syracuse come June 29th. We have our consultation and then will make a plan that will work for us. Deep inside I really really hope I can cancel it because of good news. (hey we all have to hold onto hope in one way or another.) :) I will be sure to update after the consult*

Back to the post: So as I was saying a huge part of us coming out about our struggles is the fact that we're taking a huge step towards starting our family. One I'm sure that won't be without it's heartache and euphoric feelings. It's with this that we decided to tell our friends via facebook. I know, I know... facebook. But it was the easiest way to let everyone we know, know without having to do it face to face for every single person. It would be hard on me and I'd feel a bit like a failure, so it allowed us to lessen the blow and also allows people the privacy to process it instead of putting them on the spot and speaking about it to them. We told our friends and family a little over a week ago and we did it because we need the support. I won't be using facebook as a way to vent my frustrations about our journey. This was a one time 'discussion' where probably only appointments will be posted about. If people want to know how it's going they can ask. (so please don't hide me from your facebook for fear of me becoming 'one of those people') :)

So here's the note we left to everyone.

"Many would question if something like this is meant to be private. For a long time we felt it was our private journey, one that very very very few people knew about. We have been battling with how appropriate it would be to share this to all those we love and care for. Personally we've come to the conclusion that we need all the cheerleaders we can get at this point. Without going into more details then necessary Paul and I have been trying unsuccessfully for a child, for 3 years now. This journey for us has been one that has brought us closer and the love that we have for each other deeper.

It's been hard, very hard on us. We have reached a point where we now need to seek medical intervention to help give us the child we've been dreaming of for all these years. Because of this next huge step we're ready to acknowledge the journey we've been on with those we love. Some of you may disagree with this method and for the longest time I did too with sharing something like this on Facebook. Until recently we sat down and discussed "WHY does this have to be such a big secret?" Truth is for us we don't want it to be any more. It's taxing, very lonesome and overall such a HUGE part of our life that we rarely if ever get to acknowledge. Infertility or fertility struggles are done alone and very few speak out and wear the badge of 'infertility'. We deflect questions regarding kids, we make it seem like it's the furthest things on our minds at the moment. It was how we were able to cope with our problems. It's this big thing that swept under the rug while we silently weep that we don't have our own biological child yet. This has been such a heavy burden to bear and as I said before... we need a cheering squad.

I also want anyone out there struggling with infertility to please message me. I'm always here to listen, offer suggestions, help and hope. This journey can be such a hard one and all to often those of us struggling privately are forgotten. So to loved our ones, this is us... this has been a huge part of our lives for so so long.

We can use all the well wishes, prayers and fingers crossed that we can get. I won't be posting about our problems all the time. This is really the only time I plan on mentioning it in detail. For those interested we see the fertility specialist on June 29th for a consultation, and take the next steps on our journey to possible parenthood. Please wish us luck."

You want to know the hardest part about that entire message? Pressing post, and then fighting the urge to click delete. However, with posting that my husband and I both agreed that it was a huge weight off of our shoulders. That the support we've already received from others in just a week has been overwhelming but in a good way. We know that if we were to ever get pregnant the pregnancy will be appreciated and will be that more special for not only us but our family who will know what it took to have our little bambino.

I've realized there needs to be a greater awareness for fertility struggles and infertility itself. While it may be an uncomfortable topic to broach with others. i think many would be surprised how someone like myself is willing to be open with any questions about our journey. My goal is to really show others what this journey is about. That it shouldn't be something that is hidden and you should think it's ok to speak about it. Infertility awareness is something that will become a project of mine for those willing to listen or read.

If you're thinking about telling your family and friends please feel free to message me. Taking that next step is hard and sometimes we need pep talks.

Wishing you all a very happy Saturday. Lots of Love,
Amanda