6 week scan

We had our second ultrasound today. We have great news and not so great news. We saw a sac and a little baby in there with a little flicker that was the heartbeat. It was so so amazing to witness. The second sac was no longer there, the nurse practitioner said the baby either reabsorbed into the body or that he/she is hiding. They will be sure to check at future ultrasounds but for right there there is one little baby in there.

Here's the scan photo from today. I shocked at how much I'm able to see. The little head (bent down) the little nubs for arms. It's truly a beautiful sight.

6 weeks 0 days Ultrasound

We're very excited and feeling utterly blessed. We realize again that anything cn happen but this is a great start!

IuI #1

A whole lot has happened in such a short amount of time. I've learned so much about the IUI process (well not everything) but it feels very fulfilling to go through this process. (after struggling mind you).

I've put my thermometer away no more charting for me. I've relinquished the control and am allowing my RE to take care of it all. To say I'm so much more relaxed after not charting is an understatement. I didn't realize how much it stressed me out. If I wasn't able to know where I'm at in my cycle I'd still be stressed. But right now I find doing my temps to be redundant when we're going in almost every other day for follicle scans. I like not having that daily reminder of our struggles, truth be told that's what taking my temp every morning before I got out of bed did to me.

Now onto the fun stuff. This IUI cycle is done with injectables. For those of you less than familiar with the drugs you can take when you have fertility problems I'll explain them a little bit for you. The ones I'm going to explain are all medications I have taken. I know there are other fertility drugs you can take but as I said I'm not as familiar with them.

Please note what's written below is my own personal experience and understanding of IF drugs. I am not a doctor so please do not take my word for everything written here.

Clomid: Clomid is what a lot of doctors first start with when fertility problems arise. Clomid is a drug that helps women with ovulation problems or even Infertility problems. Doctors will  often start off with a low dosage then see how your cycles react to the medication. For us we used the lowest dosage of 50 mg. We did manage to get pregnant once on it.

Progesterone: Progesterone is something that is very important when it comes to sustaining a pregnancy. When you ovulate your progesterone should go up. This is also when you notice a big thermal shift in your chart. The progesterone should stay up (temperature up) until 12 Days past your ovulation. If it is less then that on a regular basis this is known as a Leutal Phase Defect. Progesterone supplements are often given to women with this problem so that their bodies don't shed the lining before the egg has time to implant. Some women can just have a lower then normal progesterone. If that's the case and is noted in previous losses then they will put you on progesterone supplements 3 days past ovulation so that the progesterone stays nice and high sustaining the pregnancy.

Lupron- This is an injectable drug. It is a Ovulation suppressing drug. This helps the RE's have a bit more control over when your eggs release. When they're ready for the release they'll use a trigger shot of HCG.

Gonal-  This is an injectable drug that is used to help facilitate in stimulating your follicles that carry the eggs for the IUI procedure.

hCG (trigger shot) -  Injectable used either a few days or the night before IUI to promote ovulation. This will cause a false pregnancy test. A lot of women choose to use pregnancy tests to see when the drug is out of their system so they know when the next positive they see isn't the drug.

Lovenox- I've been given this injecatable to take 3 days after the IUI. The Lovenox is often given to women with immune deficiencies. Or women with multiple losses. I wasn't tested for immune deficiencies, but I think at this point we're assuming something along those lines. The RE prefers to just do the Cocktail which won't hurt me but will help with sustaining a pregnancy. It is a blood thinner and women who end up pregnant may have to take the drug up to 36 weeks pregnant.

hCG Mixture- I'm given this also because of our losses. I'll have to take it if we get a pregnancy test and continue the injections until 10 weeks pregnant. From my understanding like the Lovenox it helps with sustaining a pregnancy. 

As you can see I'm on what many like to call the cocktail. I am not however doing Clomid. In Clomids place we are using the injectable method with Lupron and Gonal.

For anyone interested here is my IUI protocol:

Here is our IUI protocol:

Pre - IUI
CD 5 to Trigger -
Gonal 75 units
Lupron 5 units
Baby aspirin (have been on for a few months now)
Metformin (have been on for a few months now)

Interlipid therapy (1x every 4 weeks)

Trigger shot

Post IUI
3DPIUI
- Progestrone
- Lovenox (if pregnant will continue until 36 weeks)

If Positive Pregnancy test.
- Progesterone (12 Weeks)
- Baby Aspirin (36 weeks)
- Metformin (12 weeks)
- hCG shot (Novarel) (10 weeks)
- Lovenox (28 or 36 weeks)

The injections don't really hurt. I think it's getting over the entire "I'm sticking a needle in myself" that is the toughest hurdle. Which to me was fine after my first day. My husband has actually wanted to take an active role and I've had him fill the needles and he's been doing my injections. While some may find it odd I like it because it feels like we're basically doing this together. Makes him feel like he's helping, which he is in so many ways.

Today I went in for our follicle scan and it showed I had one follicle at 16 mm on the left and one 11 mm follicle on the right. A few other small ones but I'm hoping for at least 2 solid follicles by Saturday :) 16 is a great size already :) so grow Follies GROW!!

IUI will be on Saturday and I'm so fricken excited. I realize we probably won't get pregnant on our first try but a girl can hope <3

I will let you know how

Fear of the Unkown

I'm afraid, I'm very afraid that I won't ever be able to get past our fertility problems. I fear that if the day should come where we're told we can't have children, that I just won't be able to accept it. I worry that how I feel now about others pregnancy and ability to have children will send me into the darkest depths of hell. I fear that place, I fear the next steps and what will become of me if we don't end up with a child. No having a child isn't our entire life. But realizing that it may never happen for you is an overall terrifying thought. I know me, I know how passionately I am about things I plan for my life. I know how hard I fall and how hard it is for me to just 'let go' and 'move on'. I really dislike that part about me. Many things have been taken from me, some at my own fault but others completely out of my hands. I'm grateful for the loving husband I have, family and friends. But I'm scared that if that day should come where we no longer have hope to hold onto that I'll loose grip of life and of happiness as a whole. I fought my depression in University with my husband holding my hand. I just don't know how much longer I can go on like this. It's 3 years to the month since we started this journey. This is one of those life questions that I'd love to have answered. I know I'll need to seek therapy if we can't have children. It's the only way I can possibly see myself being able to pick up the pieces of a shattered heart. I realize I'm talking as if that fate is already upon us, but fear, fear does funny things to us. I resent that fear for making me feel this way, for letting it into my life how I have. I'm hopeful that it won't win no matter what. i'm looking for the strength I lack right now. The strength to continue this hard hard journey. I just am tired, tired of temping, tired of taking extended measures to get pregnant. I've taken countless breaks and all ended up with me happy yes but as soon as I was around a pregnancy announcement, it put me in my dark place. I don't know what I'm looking for in this post.... No I do... A Miracle