Tips to Using Lovenox

This is a new tip post on how to do Lovenox injections. Many will find that it's not so much the needle that stings more so the medicine. Some days are more painful then others. Overall it's not to bad and here are a few things I've picked up while using them both in our last pregnancy and with this one.

• If you notice a knot, basically a hard patch where you did an injection and it is stiff try to stay away from injecting on any hard part of that area it will hurt like no other.

• I don't ice as I find it tends to make my bruising worse (Which is weird considering Ice constricts your veins lessening blood flow, but it does for me) and tightens my skin causing a bit more resistance when I put the needle in.
• pinch nice and hard it'll help with the pain.
• before you take the cap off (I use pre-filled syringes) , tap the needle so the air bubble goes near the needle. I push the plunger in once (again while the cap is on) I find it helps to loosen up the plunger for a better controlled injection.
• Before I inject I get rid of the air bubble, again helps with loosening up the plunger making for a smoother injection. Instead of the awful jerk you can get at the start.
• I find if I alcohol swipe the area afterwards I bleed more and often bruise worse. So I stick to Kleenexes on the area. 
• DO NOT RUB IN. Don't rub the liquid in. I hate that I can't do this as I notice I get so many knots that I otherwise might not have if I could have rubbed the area. But with lovenox it's a no no.
  
  Please note not all of these tips will work for you and some of my donts' you may actually find you like to do. That's ok and is perfectly fine (besides the last tip). Hopefully I was able to help ease the pain that can be Lovenox Shots. We have 9 months of these needles, mid as well find some way to manage them.

Telling others: Living life as women struggling with fertilty

No road is too long for him who advances slowly and does not hurry, and no attainment is beyond his reach who equips himself with patience to achieve it. ~Jean de La Bruyère

TTC comes with the territory of the unspoken "It's taboo to discuss your private life with others to this degree". For a long time I felt this journey should be a private one where you suffered in silence. Only a little while ago did a post on our forum (www.tnh.proboards.com) make me question really why that was.

I always felt that if we told others that there would be this mass amount of pressure placed on our shoulders. That once the cat was out of the bag we'd get the annoying questions of "Are you pregnant yet?". We would deflect any questions regarding kids, almost making it seem like we would never have them or wanted them. I suppose it was misleading but in the same light it was what allowed us continue our journey without as many questions regarding trying to conceive.

I sat down with my husband and we talked it through. While at one point remaining private about us helped, it's now to a point where we don't want it to be private anymore. We want to be able to acknowledge the one thing that has been such a huge aspect in our life for 3 years now. I think it's important while reading this to not feel like you're being pushed to come out with your problems. I think each couple comes to the realization on their own terms and sometimes they never feel comfortable with ever telling. Which is ok, that was me for 3 years and had we got pregnant before now I don't think we would have ever told. So please know that you should only ever do what makes you and your spouse/significant other feel comfortable.

Our decision to tell the world (those we care about) I think really came about with us now having to go to a fertility clinic.

*Oh man I forgot to update you! The short of it is we will be going to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist in Syracuse come June 29th. We have our consultation and then will make a plan that will work for us. Deep inside I really really hope I can cancel it because of good news. (hey we all have to hold onto hope in one way or another.) :) I will be sure to update after the consult*

Back to the post: So as I was saying a huge part of us coming out about our struggles is the fact that we're taking a huge step towards starting our family. One I'm sure that won't be without it's heartache and euphoric feelings. It's with this that we decided to tell our friends via facebook. I know, I know... facebook. But it was the easiest way to let everyone we know, know without having to do it face to face for every single person. It would be hard on me and I'd feel a bit like a failure, so it allowed us to lessen the blow and also allows people the privacy to process it instead of putting them on the spot and speaking about it to them. We told our friends and family a little over a week ago and we did it because we need the support. I won't be using facebook as a way to vent my frustrations about our journey. This was a one time 'discussion' where probably only appointments will be posted about. If people want to know how it's going they can ask. (so please don't hide me from your facebook for fear of me becoming 'one of those people') :)

So here's the note we left to everyone.

"Many would question if something like this is meant to be private. For a long time we felt it was our private journey, one that very very very few people knew about. We have been battling with how appropriate it would be to share this to all those we love and care for. Personally we've come to the conclusion that we need all the cheerleaders we can get at this point. Without going into more details then necessary Paul and I have been trying unsuccessfully for a child, for 3 years now. This journey for us has been one that has brought us closer and the love that we have for each other deeper.

It's been hard, very hard on us. We have reached a point where we now need to seek medical intervention to help give us the child we've been dreaming of for all these years. Because of this next huge step we're ready to acknowledge the journey we've been on with those we love. Some of you may disagree with this method and for the longest time I did too with sharing something like this on Facebook. Until recently we sat down and discussed "WHY does this have to be such a big secret?" Truth is for us we don't want it to be any more. It's taxing, very lonesome and overall such a HUGE part of our life that we rarely if ever get to acknowledge. Infertility or fertility struggles are done alone and very few speak out and wear the badge of 'infertility'. We deflect questions regarding kids, we make it seem like it's the furthest things on our minds at the moment. It was how we were able to cope with our problems. It's this big thing that swept under the rug while we silently weep that we don't have our own biological child yet. This has been such a heavy burden to bear and as I said before... we need a cheering squad.

I also want anyone out there struggling with infertility to please message me. I'm always here to listen, offer suggestions, help and hope. This journey can be such a hard one and all to often those of us struggling privately are forgotten. So to loved our ones, this is us... this has been a huge part of our lives for so so long.

We can use all the well wishes, prayers and fingers crossed that we can get. I won't be posting about our problems all the time. This is really the only time I plan on mentioning it in detail. For those interested we see the fertility specialist on June 29th for a consultation, and take the next steps on our journey to possible parenthood. Please wish us luck."

You want to know the hardest part about that entire message? Pressing post, and then fighting the urge to click delete. However, with posting that my husband and I both agreed that it was a huge weight off of our shoulders. That the support we've already received from others in just a week has been overwhelming but in a good way. We know that if we were to ever get pregnant the pregnancy will be appreciated and will be that more special for not only us but our family who will know what it took to have our little bambino.

I've realized there needs to be a greater awareness for fertility struggles and infertility itself. While it may be an uncomfortable topic to broach with others. i think many would be surprised how someone like myself is willing to be open with any questions about our journey. My goal is to really show others what this journey is about. That it shouldn't be something that is hidden and you should think it's ok to speak about it. Infertility awareness is something that will become a project of mine for those willing to listen or read.

If you're thinking about telling your family and friends please feel free to message me. Taking that next step is hard and sometimes we need pep talks.

Wishing you all a very happy Saturday. Lots of Love,
Amanda

Fear of the Unkown

I'm afraid, I'm very afraid that I won't ever be able to get past our fertility problems. I fear that if the day should come where we're told we can't have children, that I just won't be able to accept it. I worry that how I feel now about others pregnancy and ability to have children will send me into the darkest depths of hell. I fear that place, I fear the next steps and what will become of me if we don't end up with a child. No having a child isn't our entire life. But realizing that it may never happen for you is an overall terrifying thought. I know me, I know how passionately I am about things I plan for my life. I know how hard I fall and how hard it is for me to just 'let go' and 'move on'. I really dislike that part about me. Many things have been taken from me, some at my own fault but others completely out of my hands. I'm grateful for the loving husband I have, family and friends. But I'm scared that if that day should come where we no longer have hope to hold onto that I'll loose grip of life and of happiness as a whole. I fought my depression in University with my husband holding my hand. I just don't know how much longer I can go on like this. It's 3 years to the month since we started this journey. This is one of those life questions that I'd love to have answered. I know I'll need to seek therapy if we can't have children. It's the only way I can possibly see myself being able to pick up the pieces of a shattered heart. I realize I'm talking as if that fate is already upon us, but fear, fear does funny things to us. I resent that fear for making me feel this way, for letting it into my life how I have. I'm hopeful that it won't win no matter what. i'm looking for the strength I lack right now. The strength to continue this hard hard journey. I just am tired, tired of temping, tired of taking extended measures to get pregnant. I've taken countless breaks and all ended up with me happy yes but as soon as I was around a pregnancy announcement, it put me in my dark place. I don't know what I'm looking for in this post.... No I do... A Miracle

In the Blink of an eye...

The blog has almost transformed over the past 6 months into a TTC (trying to conceive) blog more then anything. So with that I kind of changed the name a bit to encompass this huge part of my life. What has been a huge part of both of our lives for almost 3 years now (Gosh it's a bit deflating to see that it's been that long). I have been searching out creative means for focus meanwhile I was always neglecting to acknowledge the one thing I was putting all my focus on, getting pregnant. Of course I couldn't find a way to focus on anything else.

TTC is a journey that will for many have many downs and some possible up's. For those who don't want children they perhaps don't fully grasp what it means to know you can't possibly have children or that 'goal is out of your reach. The best way I can equate it to is, it's like any life goal you've had for yourself. Naturally when you can't achieve those goals you are deflated but try harder or for some you give up. Thing is when it really sucks is when someone else determines whether or not you can achieve these goals. That to many is frustrating, deflating and at times a tough pill to swallow. That to me is what TTC is for my husband and I. Knowing that this really isn't in our control. I mean a bit of it is obviously but getting pregnant and staying pregnant, there's not much you can control there.

I write this today with a very heavy heart. I'd hope that my next blog post on here would be that of great news, and utter jubilation. Regretfully, it's with loss and confusion. 5 days ago I took a test at 10 days past my ovulation. To my surprise the pregnancy test came out positive. Hand clasped over my mouth I all but fell over while hyperventilating. "oh this can't be right." I reach for another test. Another faint positive. "OMG.. " tears flow down my face. "This isn't real, it can't be." I call a best friend, in tears saying "I think I'm staring at 2 positive pregnancy tests. A photo confirmation was had 2 minutes later." So I'm not seeing things, it is a positive and 2 at that.

I wipe my tears compose myself and go downstairs to where my husband is watching TV. Not knowing I was about to deliver the news we've been waiting for, for close to 3 years. I was feeling creative but I was also feeling a bit rushed to tell him. I grab my computer and the photo I took. I'm apart of an on-line forum so the context of the conversation was about a 'girl' on the forum who was looking for confirmation of her positive test.

"I said. "So Paul there's this girl on the forum who was asking if she had a positive pregnancy test. Here's the photo. What do you think? I think it may be a positive."

Him: "Yeah I see those two faint lines on the 2 tests. That means it's a positive right?"

Me: "Yes, it's my test."

*blank stare*

Him: "So you're pregnant?" (really confused face)

Then the light bulb goes off and he tackles me with a big hug and a few tears. "

Little did we know what was waiting for us 4 days later...

The following day I take a test and it comes back negative. I tell myself not to worry because it's still early on. The ladies who are apart of the forum also sent encouraging words. So I call my doctor and let her know. A blood test was scheduled for that night.

Day #3 I take a morning test. Another BFP... "oh yay." I was miss perky especially when I took another test at noon and came back with another faint positive. The doc calls and tells me my blood tests came back negative. But I let her know about the positive tests this am. To which she says we'll test again in 5 days and she thinks I am probably pregnant. "Oh yay!"

Day#4
The next day my insane testing habits persist. Another negative. Slowly I'm starting to feel deflated about this. But my husband and ladies on the forum keep my spirits up.

Day #5 Another negative. and I'm getting cramps. My husband is packing his bags to leave on a plane. As soon as he leaves I go to the washroom. Red spotting starts.... cramping gets worse. I try to think positive. "it's implantation bleeding." Hours later the blood flows and my period officially starts.

Alone and confused I fight back the tears and the huge knot in the back of my throat. I pace... I pace a lot. I go to the kitchen, back to the living room.. then back to the kitchen. I'm looking for something and I don't know what.. I am looking for a hug. Looking to be held onto so tightly that I can't think of anything else but the embrace. Instead the hug comes from an "I love you"from my husband over the phone. And the support of my TTC friends miles and miles away from me.

What happened? I had a chemical pregnancy. What happened is I had an early miscarriage. The term chemical pregnancy to me diminishes the loss. While it's true some women don't even know they're having a miscarriage that early, I'm sure many would be devastated to find out that their late or really heavy period was caused by a pregnancy.

I have been fighting with myself on just how appropriate it is to 'grieve' such an early loss. I have concluded it hurts all the same. I have a huge hole in my soul right now. While it does give me a glimmer of hope that we know I can at least get pregnant. It does leave me with a very very empty feeling. I feel angry and frustrated. I feel lost and very alone. I feel cheated and as if it was all a cruel cruel joke. I feel the weight of reality.


To some this is a small loss. To me it's a miscarriage and one I'll be mourning for a bit. This emotional roller-coaster we were on for 4 days ended in crushing news. With that I need time away from it for a few months. TTC (trying to conceive) is something my husband and I have really only known for almost 3 years. It's become a habit and it's taken away from our ability to kind of just live and enjoy ourselves. With that I've had to with tears in my eyes, say that we're going to stop till May to try again. In the mean time I'll focus on truly getting my body into pregnancy shape. The thought of being pregnant was a euphoric one, but when I looked at my body I didn't really like what I saw. I know I'm a beautiful women and I want to feel that way the next time we find out we're pregnant. I want to be as healthy as I possibly can. We've put SOOO much focus into getting pregnant it really has taken away from me just being able to focus on me and my health. Every month was prefaced with a "We might be pregnant so I don't want to push it. I don't want to cause a possible problem." All of that focus has not allowed me to focus on what I should have been the entire time, my health which would in turn hopefully mean a healthier less complicated pregnancy.

If there's any good that came out of this it's 1. We know conception is a possibility and 2. Time to focus on us for a little while.


As I finish writing this my heart is still heavy but my hopes are slowly being rebuilt.

If you've had a chemical pregnancy know you're not alone. Know you have just as much of a right to grieve. You were pregnant and now you aren't don't let anyone make you feel like you can't feel bad about that fact. Any kind of miscarriage know you're not alone... That you are loved and you have support! Message me any time.

Just keep Swimming!

Oh joy. So if my husbands ego didn't get a good boost today I don't know what will. Some may or may not know. On my laundry list of things I'm doing we're also trying for a baby. This has been an ongoing journey for about a year now.

In any case we've begun proceedings of trying to figure out why we're not getting pregnant. My husband did his test and needless to say he could get a women pregnant by looking at her. The normal averages they have my husband was over all of them and not by a little. I just got off the phone as I thought he'd like to hear it. His words "So I'm a very strong swimmer." "Yes dear in your own mind you are."

I'm extremely happy for this notion. However it means the fingers are pointing at me and my lady bits. "NAUGHTY!" work properly darn it! I have already had an internal and external ultrasound done along with blood tests. Usually when the doc calls they say "Everything looks great." I was greeted with "you have a 5 cm cyst, high prolactin levels, a bit of a bacterial infection. AND you have slightly high cholesterol. Well doc gee thanks ;).

I'll admit hearing all that made me far more aware of my body and my own health. We always like to think that because we're wrong we're invincible. I've said that a few times but honestly I never bought into the fact that something health wise could go wrong with me. That was until the doc smacked me with a healthy dose of reality.

So the next steps will be to start my testing to see if there may be things wrong with why we're not conceiving. I'll admit the testing doesn't seem to pleasant. I won't bother you with the details but from what I've been explained it's not fun. Oh joy. "hunny your going to hold my hand if it hurts!" my husband is such a trooper.

I'll be waiting till the end of august as we have to do a recheck on the cyst. If it's grown then we have to get it removed. If it's dissolved as I haven't felt it rupture yet then we can begin the other testing. I hate having to wait till September to start the testing again but in my heart of hearts I know that it's best to be fully checked out and understand if there will be any risks then to go into this thing blind.

I'm putting faith in modern medicine and my body. If we're meant to have a child we will if not then that's a bridge we'll have to cross and come to terms with when we get there.

In any case you can best bet that my husband is glowing and feeling overall macho right now ;)