Goodbye officially to you

I've heard that it's possible to grow up, I've just never met anyone who's actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don't go our way. We whisper secrets with our best friend in the dark. We look for comfort where we can find it. And we hope against all logic, against all experience, like children, we never give up hope.

Yesterday was our D&C and we said officially goodbye to our LO. The past few days has been utterly miserable. Knowing that you were carrying a lifeless being inside you just was morbid and mentally painful to think about. I found myself over the past few days hoping against all logic that maybe they were wrong, maybe my baby was just turned the wrong way and hiding it's heart. I hoped that come yesterday that maybe we'd be given the biggest miracle of all, but that hope quickly turned to dispare again.

Physically I cannot cry any more, my head just feels like exploding when I do. I know at my grandfathers funeral on Friday it will hit me the hardest (the symbolism and the real.)

My IL's brought me a bunch of flowers which included roses. I'm going to take one of the roses and throw it in the ground with my grandfathers ashes. The rose will be for baby since we can't bury him/ her and another one for him. For now I'm feeling like I can move slightly forward, but am not looking forward to Friday. We've just suffered so much loss this year it makes me feel like it's all a dream.

We spoke with the RE. He came in and gave me a big big hug and told me we'd get there, he was very kind and gentle with regards to everything. They put me under IV sedation since I react poorly to gas by getting really sick. Worked like a charm. They allowed Paul in the room with me while he held my hand and we passed sorrow filled glances... it was really happening. The Dr did an U/S and at first I just couldn't look. When I did it made it very real not seeing that hb again. Paul kissed my forehead and he was ushered out after I went to sleep. He was there when I woke up, perhaps the most comforting sight when I feel asleep and when I woke up.

When I woke up or was starting to I heard the nurse saying she couldn't find documentation about our other losses. (I was pissed I think) Paul said I quickly explained everything in a very factual way. "1 with my obgyn in Jan, 3 with you guys - July, September and November. All 3 of those pregnancies were documented by you guys on my patient portal via blood draws and 3 letters from you saying you were sorry for our pregnancy loss. AND why would I be on the RPL protocol for this pregnancy?" In any case I'm going to address this at our meeting with the NP in 2 weeks. I am going to bring up the lack of documentation or at least consistency. I had to ask if they wanted to do another round of intralipids. This should have been asked at my 6 week appointment by them not by me at my 8 week appointment. I do not know if that would have helped but I feel that they should have kept that well documented and in their protocol. I love my RE's office completely but I do find in that regard organization is lacking, something I need them to understand CANNOT happen next time.
I'm still struggling with do I want to be pregnant again? It sounds bad but it brings me far to much pain then happiness at this point. I know that with our next I won't be able to enjoy the parts I should enjoy. I wont' enjoy the U/s, hearing or even seeing the HB. It truly wont' be a 'big' deal to me. It sounds horrible but how can I believe that it'll be any different until we have our LO in our arms. Next time around it will be the most mentally draining and dreaded thing all in one. Women say they worry about their child with or without loss. I hate to say it but I think the worrying is really different when you have suffered a loss. The anxiety, the unbelievable amount worrying, of sticking yourself with needles (in our case) literally doing everything in our power to sustain. It's just gut wrenching when our efforts fall short each and every damn time.

I'll tell you what though. It woke up this very naive women who thought that because she didn't fail at a lot of things in life that pregnancy would be an easy peasy thing. It's taught me patience which I feel is the most valuable lesson of this all. It taught me life is hard work, not everything is handed to you on a silver platter and it's better to realize this now then to go through life feeling like things should just come to you. This is how I used to be and my goodness from the years it's taken us to, the losses it's just all taught me about life and just how unfair/unperfect it can be no matter how hard I try. 

 
The Dr said we'll go over the pathology report if there was no genetic problems we will do a bunch of other testing on me with regards to immune problems etc. He said he didn't want to do it at first because of the cost. I let him know I will pay whatever we need to, go into whatever debt we need to, to find answers. If we continue this path with no real concrete answers besides PCOS then we will be throwing away more money and experiencing more and more pain with every passing cycle/pregnancy. I 'm a fact girl and I need my facts/answers. I asked him what his recommendation was for when our next steps would be. He said as soon as my levels were to 0 we could do another round. We anticipate possibly diving back in maybe mid Jan / Feb. I don't really know when I'll be ready and maybe I'll be ready sooner then I realize. But I want to give myself a chance to heal.

I want to give myself one time in 3 1/2 years where OPK's, temping, drugs don't matter. I want to devote time to myself, my pets and more importantly my husband and marriage. I want to learn to be happier and it won't happen over night. I need to learn to be fulfilled with the life I currently have. I want to really put my best foot forward with my weight. I say that with every loss but when we get back from Thanksgiving I'm going 5 times a week and am running/swimming my tush off. It's time I stop letting PCOS be my excuse and it's time I stop letting it hold me back the way I have both when I didn't know and when I did.

Overall the D&C wasn't painful at all. I had mild mild cramping after, didn't come close to my normal period pains. Right now it's just a mental recovery. But as I said today I feel at a bit of peace. I'm doing a ton of housework and am getting the house ready for Christmas. I need some cheer in our lives right now and Christmas is a start.

Paul and I are thinking of getting away again, this time local to a log cabin resort and ski. I think now that my healing is starting this has hit Paul harder then it did at first. So I want to be there for him. I want us to be there for eachother. Which we have been but I just don't want him hurting in silence. We received 3 beautiful bouquets of flowers. now I have to figure out where to place them. I'm using today for a leisurely clean of our house, reformatting my computer and knitting a lap afghan. which may be done by tomorrow after our trip. Tomorrow I will be going into work for a half day then heading to my parents for the funeral and for some much needed parent time.

I want to thank you guys for your thoughts, messages, well wishes and prayers. While I do not in the least believe in god, I know my husband does and he appreciates those prayers more then I can ever say. It's a very selfless thing to do and we both appreciate the thought/sentiment.

Telling others: Living life as women struggling with fertilty

No road is too long for him who advances slowly and does not hurry, and no attainment is beyond his reach who equips himself with patience to achieve it. ~Jean de La Bruyère

TTC comes with the territory of the unspoken "It's taboo to discuss your private life with others to this degree". For a long time I felt this journey should be a private one where you suffered in silence. Only a little while ago did a post on our forum (www.tnh.proboards.com) make me question really why that was.

I always felt that if we told others that there would be this mass amount of pressure placed on our shoulders. That once the cat was out of the bag we'd get the annoying questions of "Are you pregnant yet?". We would deflect any questions regarding kids, almost making it seem like we would never have them or wanted them. I suppose it was misleading but in the same light it was what allowed us continue our journey without as many questions regarding trying to conceive.

I sat down with my husband and we talked it through. While at one point remaining private about us helped, it's now to a point where we don't want it to be private anymore. We want to be able to acknowledge the one thing that has been such a huge aspect in our life for 3 years now. I think it's important while reading this to not feel like you're being pushed to come out with your problems. I think each couple comes to the realization on their own terms and sometimes they never feel comfortable with ever telling. Which is ok, that was me for 3 years and had we got pregnant before now I don't think we would have ever told. So please know that you should only ever do what makes you and your spouse/significant other feel comfortable.

Our decision to tell the world (those we care about) I think really came about with us now having to go to a fertility clinic.

*Oh man I forgot to update you! The short of it is we will be going to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist in Syracuse come June 29th. We have our consultation and then will make a plan that will work for us. Deep inside I really really hope I can cancel it because of good news. (hey we all have to hold onto hope in one way or another.) :) I will be sure to update after the consult*

Back to the post: So as I was saying a huge part of us coming out about our struggles is the fact that we're taking a huge step towards starting our family. One I'm sure that won't be without it's heartache and euphoric feelings. It's with this that we decided to tell our friends via facebook. I know, I know... facebook. But it was the easiest way to let everyone we know, know without having to do it face to face for every single person. It would be hard on me and I'd feel a bit like a failure, so it allowed us to lessen the blow and also allows people the privacy to process it instead of putting them on the spot and speaking about it to them. We told our friends and family a little over a week ago and we did it because we need the support. I won't be using facebook as a way to vent my frustrations about our journey. This was a one time 'discussion' where probably only appointments will be posted about. If people want to know how it's going they can ask. (so please don't hide me from your facebook for fear of me becoming 'one of those people') :)

So here's the note we left to everyone.

"Many would question if something like this is meant to be private. For a long time we felt it was our private journey, one that very very very few people knew about. We have been battling with how appropriate it would be to share this to all those we love and care for. Personally we've come to the conclusion that we need all the cheerleaders we can get at this point. Without going into more details then necessary Paul and I have been trying unsuccessfully for a child, for 3 years now. This journey for us has been one that has brought us closer and the love that we have for each other deeper.

It's been hard, very hard on us. We have reached a point where we now need to seek medical intervention to help give us the child we've been dreaming of for all these years. Because of this next huge step we're ready to acknowledge the journey we've been on with those we love. Some of you may disagree with this method and for the longest time I did too with sharing something like this on Facebook. Until recently we sat down and discussed "WHY does this have to be such a big secret?" Truth is for us we don't want it to be any more. It's taxing, very lonesome and overall such a HUGE part of our life that we rarely if ever get to acknowledge. Infertility or fertility struggles are done alone and very few speak out and wear the badge of 'infertility'. We deflect questions regarding kids, we make it seem like it's the furthest things on our minds at the moment. It was how we were able to cope with our problems. It's this big thing that swept under the rug while we silently weep that we don't have our own biological child yet. This has been such a heavy burden to bear and as I said before... we need a cheering squad.

I also want anyone out there struggling with infertility to please message me. I'm always here to listen, offer suggestions, help and hope. This journey can be such a hard one and all to often those of us struggling privately are forgotten. So to loved our ones, this is us... this has been a huge part of our lives for so so long.

We can use all the well wishes, prayers and fingers crossed that we can get. I won't be posting about our problems all the time. This is really the only time I plan on mentioning it in detail. For those interested we see the fertility specialist on June 29th for a consultation, and take the next steps on our journey to possible parenthood. Please wish us luck."

You want to know the hardest part about that entire message? Pressing post, and then fighting the urge to click delete. However, with posting that my husband and I both agreed that it was a huge weight off of our shoulders. That the support we've already received from others in just a week has been overwhelming but in a good way. We know that if we were to ever get pregnant the pregnancy will be appreciated and will be that more special for not only us but our family who will know what it took to have our little bambino.

I've realized there needs to be a greater awareness for fertility struggles and infertility itself. While it may be an uncomfortable topic to broach with others. i think many would be surprised how someone like myself is willing to be open with any questions about our journey. My goal is to really show others what this journey is about. That it shouldn't be something that is hidden and you should think it's ok to speak about it. Infertility awareness is something that will become a project of mine for those willing to listen or read.

If you're thinking about telling your family and friends please feel free to message me. Taking that next step is hard and sometimes we need pep talks.

Wishing you all a very happy Saturday. Lots of Love,
Amanda