The nitty gritty

I've been posting a lot about the emotional side to what we've been going through but I feel I've left out a lot of our journey from a technical stand point. I want my blog to not only be something others can relate to but also find informative as I know I've always scoured the internet for certain answers. So I wanted to provide you all the opportunity to learn from what I've been through. If you have any questions please feel free to email me amandanicole1828@gmail.com or leave a comment and I will try my best to answer or point you in the direction to a place that can better answer your questions.

After our 4th loss I took some down time but deep inside I've been yearning to find answers. So after searching for some answers I was strongly urged by more then a few women to seek out another doctors help who would work with my Reproductive Endocrinologist. I have to admit I was hesitant at first and I still don't know where I mustered the guts to call but I did. I called this other doctor. He is a Reproductive Immunologist. Which is a bit different then an RE in that they focus heavily on auto immune problems. The doctor I sought out practices in NY, NY. His name is Dr. Braverman. We have a free 10 minute phone consult with him come December 12th and I'm nervous. We're just going to chat with him and do a brief patient history. Then we'll have to at least go down once to see him. ( I have never been to the "Big Apple" before so why not ;) ) The most amazing thing is that when I spoke with my RE's office they were completely for working with this RE and have done so in the past with other patients. Knowing that your RE's office can do this to me says a lot about their Character and what they stand for. Some offices get their ego's hurt if you seek out another professionals advice or even a second opinion. Mine was completely for it and encouraged it. So here I am filled with a little bit more of hope knowing that these two offices will do whatever is in their power to help us have a viable pregnancy carried to term.

I have been doing a little bit of reading on Immune issues. I'll share with you bits and pieces of what I read. Most of what I'll share will be off of the FAQ section of the Fertility Friend Forum section for women with Immune system infertility. I've also been doing some reading up on my PCOS. Ever opportuanity I have to learn something about it is one step forward. I went back into my blood tests and I found that my AMH levels were very high into PCOS range, which I never really connected the dots to. I'm still on metformin and probably will be for the rest of my life. I recently purchased a book called the PCOS Workbook. I'm just getting into it but will let you know how I found it. So far I find it to be very interactive (if you like this kind of stuff (writing things down) then this may be for you).

Here is a basic overview that some of you may find interesting about immune system infertility. I never knew that there could be something more to this. Nor that there was more medicine that could possibly help us. Knowing there may be more answers to me at least gives me that hope I need right now. Even if something is wrong with me I'd rather hear it so we can be proactive and 'fix' it.

(Please note with anything medical that I post here it does not mean it's written by a medical professional. Please always consult your doctor and never self diagnose/ treat. It could do you more harm then good)

Do I have immune system problems? 
(http://www.fertilityfriend.com/Circles/viewtopic.php?t=2569485&start=0)
It is hard to know whether one has immune system problems. Sometimes there are obvious signs like repeated miscarriages or failed transfers of good embryos on IVFs. Lot of times it is just the intuition that there is something wrong in that area. Things to consider are family history of autoimmune problems, miscarriages that happen earlier and earlier or few miscarriages followed by no implantation at all as well as having no positive pregnancy tests at any point. Any of those can be due to immune system issues. The immune system issues can either prevent implantation altogether or cause repeated pregnancy loss. Immune system issues can also cause ectopics as the embryos have an easier time implanting in the tubes where the inflammation and/or high NK cell activity are not present.

There are two types of immune system issues: autoimmune and alloimmune issues. Autoimmune issues are common when either the woman or her family has other autoimmune issues. Other autoimmune illnesses are for example
- endometriosis,
- adenomyosis,
- thyroid problems,
- celiac disease,
- eczemas
- allergies,
- asthma,
- autism etc. (see a list here). Alloimmune problems mean that there is a close match with the partner and body rejects the embryo for this reason.

Here is a break down of reasons for repeated pregnancy losses:

• Infection 1%
• Anatomy abnormal 5-10%
• Progesterone level low 20%
• Chromosome abnormal
  - Primary miscarrier (no live births) 7%
  - Secondary miscarrier (one or more live births) 50%
• Immune mechanisms 50%
• Unknown 15%

Which tests do I need?
To test immune system issues, a good set to start with is most importantly the NK cell assay which shows how active the NK cells are in destroying the trophoblast (early placenta) and preventing implantation/causing miscarriages as well as underlying inflammation markers such as Th1/Th2 and Tnf-alpha along with some other inflammation markers of the list (below under tests). The inflammation markers are important because inflammation either causes NK cells to become activated, or NK cell activity causes an increase in inflammation. Therefore, even if the NK cell assay is normal, if there is underlying inflammation, implantation can be prevented when in the presence of an embryo, the immune system flairs up.

For the alloimmune issues, one needs to tests a full HLA-panel as well as DQ-alpha matches.

An additional issue is blood clotting problems. These are tested for under the RPL (repeated loss panel). RPL issues usually only come into play with 2nd trimester losses. So if someone does not get pregnant at all or has early losses, most likely auto- or alloimmune problems are to blame.

How are immune system issues treated?
Typical treatment consists of intralipid infusions for the elevated NK cells, prednisone and lovenox for the inflammation and NK cells (as well as for better egg quality, inflammation can cause poor egg quality) and Neupogen (with Dr. Braverman and Kwak-Kim at least) for the alloimmune matches.

The RPL problems are treated with heparin and baby aspirin typically.

Other things one can do at home are to start an anti-inflammatory diet, i.e. stop eating gluten, dairy and sugar which cause the immune system to flair up. Start anti-inflammatory supplements such as high doses of fish oil (6 capsules per day). Dr. Braverman recommends Maxi-Flavone. Limit exercise during treatment cycles (exercise causes and inflammatory state in the body). Though exercise outside of treatment cycles as over long term, exercise reduces inflammation. Use any relaxation methods. Eat/take antioxidants which reduce radical oxygen species (ROS). ROS are created by inflammation and cause destruction in the body.

One step forward

This is such an emotional roller coaster. One minute I'll feel find and happy the next I'm crushed with the weight of our sorrow. Paul and I have made a decision to make our surroundings reflect how we want to feel. Right now I want to feel cheerful, I want to be in a better place. With that we've done a few things. First thing was putting up a Christmas tree. I simply put adore Christmas and how it makes me feel. Putting up our tree last night just made my eyes glow with excitement. The other thing is to start working out. This time though with a different goal. Right now I want to focus my energy on feeling a bit better about myself. Not loosing weight per say but finding an outlet like running where I'm able to escape and expel all of that negative energy that's been pulsating through me for a good week and a half. It's draining me so much and I just want to feel better even if it's only in the physical sense. So with that I want a few months to work out, run and swim with no expectations other then to 'feel' better.

Today is an ok day, but I know that can and probably will change. I haven't managed to go a day without shedding a tear. But I think it's needed, I need to let it out. Today I'm wearing something that was very special to come home to after seeing my family in Canada and burying my grandfather. I came home to this tiny package. I buy a lot of our christmas stuff online but didn't recall ordering anything. I opened it up and there was this little 'to / from' from a dear friend who I've gotten to know over the years on a TTC fan page I'm apart of. She's struggled for close to the same amount and for her to be so kind and caring in the way she was, was just truly touching and such a heartfelt unique way to say "I'm thinking of you." The gift (I'll have to post a photo later) was of a locket. On the locket it says "Forever in my heart." On the inside it has the dates that we lost our 4 little angels.

1/22/2012
7/16/2012
9/14/2012
11/ 15/2012

This gift made me burst into tears. It is absolutely perfect and gives me a way to carry them close to my heart. Paul had a small tear because of 1. the amount of kind and caring people we have supporting us and 2. Well the obvious. These tears were 'good' tears as it was just an overwhelming expression of love and care. This is something I'll always wear and will always keep close to my heart. Another precious thing was when I went to see my parents my mother bought me a white candle. She told me I could light it every year to remember them. The amount of love and care we have from people around us I say this always but I just can't believe how blessed we are to have people care in this capacity. These little things are so big to me and speak a lot about how much we love our family and friends. Thank you all for being there especially for putting up with me during the very very tough times. <3 p="p">
I had my BP taken today and it's 130/100 so needless to say I need to find some way to relax and more importantly 'release'. This negative energy that has been a cloud over my head needs to go. I need to learn to grieve without the added negativity that has be surrounding me. I wish emotions were like this magic switch where you could just turn them off at certain points just to make it through the tough times. I know these times make us human but I hate pain, sorrow etc.
I think what has helped with my moods has been my grandfathers funeral. It gave me closure to not only his death but also our child's. I'm not fully healed from it, that will take much more time.
With regards to my thanksgiving post.
The anger bug bit me HARD on thanksgiving day. VERY VERY hard. I found myself wanting to just go hide because I knew anything that came out would be strung with bitterness and anger. My wonderful husband gave me so many hugs that day.
I think it hurt because obviously a lot of pregnancy announcements happened that day and all the "I'm thankful" rainbows and butterfly bullshit was plastered all over FB. I sat there being an ungreatful, UN-thankful brat. I did post about my displeasure with thanksgiving and was so glad no one even alluded to the fact that I should just be thankful for what I have. Lets be honest when people say stuff like that it not only minimizes your feelings but makes you feel so small because you dared to pity yourself for a day or two. This thanksgiving I wasn't thankful in the least bit and man did I feel it. (it goes without saying of course I was thankful for a loving husband, family and friends but to me that's a given).
Thinking about how bitter I got really makes me clench my jaw a bit. I have never in my life felt so much hate and negativity as I did that day.
The anger I've resigned to the fact that it won't completely go away but that time will help lessen the wound giving me the tools I need to help come to terms with what has happened and remember but in a peaceful productive way.
We went to the gym yesterday and it was nice to just run. Although I'm feeling it a bit today it was just nice to not really have any expectations and do what I could. I kept reminding myself this working out was to help me mentally just let it out. Also with my high BP working out can help. I have to admit I'm getting worried that it doesn't seem to be going down and seems to really really fluctuate but always in a high tense. So my goal through all of this is to be mentally fit. I'm not making it about loosing weight any more. I'll of course keep track but it won't be my primary goal. I know if I get into it that will end up coming with the changes I make.
Side note!


If you are in the US, please consider contacting your congressmen/women and supporting these acts. The first (Family Act) would give something like a 13K tax credit for doing IVF. The second is obviously for adoption. The links take you to a page where you can find the phone numbers to call. I just did it.

The Resolve website has an easy way for you to send an email and fax to you senetors if you go here: http://www.resolve.org/get-involved/family-act-of-2011.html

Or here's ways to do it yourself: Go to this website to find your local senators and representatives: http://www.contactingthecongress.org/. 
Visit this RESOLVE.org link for tips on what to say or write with your support: http://www.resolve.org/get-involved/congressional-call-week-2012.html.
Join thousands in the infertility community and make a difference.

Dealing with old due date buddies

As time goes on and I know it'll be close for some to start announcing pregnancies. Particularly people I may not know are pregnant yet. I know if someone announces their 10 to 13 weeks pregnant in the coming weeks that would mean they'd have the same birthday month as our child.

This is perhaps one of the hardest things to talk about for me. It is a different feeling and to me entirely different category. With every pregnancy there's someone that I know who happens to be pregnant as well either at the same time or I find out later. Having someone who is pregnant around the same time as you is hard and is a painful reminder. Facebook is particularly cruel in the sense that sometimes you'll see updates from these people about their progress. You'll be reminded of where you would have been, what could have been for you. This out of 4 of our losses I've found to perhaps have the worst kind of pain attached to it. Not only are you 1. reminded of the fact that someone is pregnant while you're not but also 2. You're reminded of what has been lost and it's hitting really close to home. When the mother gives birth to baby milestones, you're reminded of your loss, you remain empty handed.

I've found myself really struggling with our latest loss and due date buddies. I'm in a bind of wanting to be happy but with every time I see a post I'm reminded of what we don't have. I'm reminded very painfully of what was for us. It just hits my heart in such a deep deep way it becomes hard to breath and is overwhelming. It at times amplifies the anger. I'm grateful for the ability to hide status' because it allows people to retain their happiness (Which they should) but it allows me to view things at my own pace when I'm ready.

I don't know when things will get better in that regard, well I do... to get pregnant again. But even then it doesn't erase what has happened and the lives lost far to soon. I just wish this world was fair and that no one had to suffer to this degree or to any other degree really. I wish pain didn't have to be so debilitating at times, I wish that this sorrow didn't poison my ability to be happy for others. I mean I am happy for others but how can a person 100% feel ok with something when they themselves just suffered through a loss. You don't ever fully recover from that and you tend to pull far far away from those certain individuals. I hate what TTC and Recurrent loss has done. But I know that if people love and care for me as they claim they will 100% understand the position I'm in and how while it's selfish to be as I am right now. It's completely and utterly necessary.

Warning: A not so thankful thanksgiving...

The following post will paint me in a very ugly light. I feel however it's entirely necessary to see all sides of this journey, not just the strength but the pitfalls, ugliness and weaknesses it can bring out. It may upset some and I'm sorry for that, but this is just one of the many sides my journey and my own internal battles. 

---------------------

The bitter bug has bit me today. I am in no way thankful for what we've endured this year. I've decided that it's ok to give the middle finger to thanksgiving and pity what you have lost or had to struggle through. It goes without saying people are always thankful for family and friends but I'm not thankful for all that we've had to endure. Far to much pain has passed our hearts this year and I'm pissed, very pissed off that we can't catch a break.

I'm pissed that 2012 has been the way it has starting out with a loss in Jan. I found myself sobbing today looking at Paul telling him how "I want to have our baby back." I can't fill this void and I just can't seem to get over this hurdle. I see so many people happy getting what they want in life. I see women pregnant happy with their children some pregnant with #2. I just can't help but wonder why we can't have the same thing. Why do we have to suffer in the capacity we have. Why do others get off worry free. Why WHY WHY. Yes I'm pissed because I really feel at this time our FAMILY WISH is owed to us. We've fought so fricken hard and always manage to come up short. I'm sick and tired of it... absolutely drained and absolutely every single inch of me is bitter.

Goodbye officially to you

I've heard that it's possible to grow up, I've just never met anyone who's actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don't go our way. We whisper secrets with our best friend in the dark. We look for comfort where we can find it. And we hope against all logic, against all experience, like children, we never give up hope.

Yesterday was our D&C and we said officially goodbye to our LO. The past few days has been utterly miserable. Knowing that you were carrying a lifeless being inside you just was morbid and mentally painful to think about. I found myself over the past few days hoping against all logic that maybe they were wrong, maybe my baby was just turned the wrong way and hiding it's heart. I hoped that come yesterday that maybe we'd be given the biggest miracle of all, but that hope quickly turned to dispare again.

Physically I cannot cry any more, my head just feels like exploding when I do. I know at my grandfathers funeral on Friday it will hit me the hardest (the symbolism and the real.)

My IL's brought me a bunch of flowers which included roses. I'm going to take one of the roses and throw it in the ground with my grandfathers ashes. The rose will be for baby since we can't bury him/ her and another one for him. For now I'm feeling like I can move slightly forward, but am not looking forward to Friday. We've just suffered so much loss this year it makes me feel like it's all a dream.

We spoke with the RE. He came in and gave me a big big hug and told me we'd get there, he was very kind and gentle with regards to everything. They put me under IV sedation since I react poorly to gas by getting really sick. Worked like a charm. They allowed Paul in the room with me while he held my hand and we passed sorrow filled glances... it was really happening. The Dr did an U/S and at first I just couldn't look. When I did it made it very real not seeing that hb again. Paul kissed my forehead and he was ushered out after I went to sleep. He was there when I woke up, perhaps the most comforting sight when I feel asleep and when I woke up.

When I woke up or was starting to I heard the nurse saying she couldn't find documentation about our other losses. (I was pissed I think) Paul said I quickly explained everything in a very factual way. "1 with my obgyn in Jan, 3 with you guys - July, September and November. All 3 of those pregnancies were documented by you guys on my patient portal via blood draws and 3 letters from you saying you were sorry for our pregnancy loss. AND why would I be on the RPL protocol for this pregnancy?" In any case I'm going to address this at our meeting with the NP in 2 weeks. I am going to bring up the lack of documentation or at least consistency. I had to ask if they wanted to do another round of intralipids. This should have been asked at my 6 week appointment by them not by me at my 8 week appointment. I do not know if that would have helped but I feel that they should have kept that well documented and in their protocol. I love my RE's office completely but I do find in that regard organization is lacking, something I need them to understand CANNOT happen next time.
I'm still struggling with do I want to be pregnant again? It sounds bad but it brings me far to much pain then happiness at this point. I know that with our next I won't be able to enjoy the parts I should enjoy. I wont' enjoy the U/s, hearing or even seeing the HB. It truly wont' be a 'big' deal to me. It sounds horrible but how can I believe that it'll be any different until we have our LO in our arms. Next time around it will be the most mentally draining and dreaded thing all in one. Women say they worry about their child with or without loss. I hate to say it but I think the worrying is really different when you have suffered a loss. The anxiety, the unbelievable amount worrying, of sticking yourself with needles (in our case) literally doing everything in our power to sustain. It's just gut wrenching when our efforts fall short each and every damn time.

I'll tell you what though. It woke up this very naive women who thought that because she didn't fail at a lot of things in life that pregnancy would be an easy peasy thing. It's taught me patience which I feel is the most valuable lesson of this all. It taught me life is hard work, not everything is handed to you on a silver platter and it's better to realize this now then to go through life feeling like things should just come to you. This is how I used to be and my goodness from the years it's taken us to, the losses it's just all taught me about life and just how unfair/unperfect it can be no matter how hard I try. 

 
The Dr said we'll go over the pathology report if there was no genetic problems we will do a bunch of other testing on me with regards to immune problems etc. He said he didn't want to do it at first because of the cost. I let him know I will pay whatever we need to, go into whatever debt we need to, to find answers. If we continue this path with no real concrete answers besides PCOS then we will be throwing away more money and experiencing more and more pain with every passing cycle/pregnancy. I 'm a fact girl and I need my facts/answers. I asked him what his recommendation was for when our next steps would be. He said as soon as my levels were to 0 we could do another round. We anticipate possibly diving back in maybe mid Jan / Feb. I don't really know when I'll be ready and maybe I'll be ready sooner then I realize. But I want to give myself a chance to heal.

I want to give myself one time in 3 1/2 years where OPK's, temping, drugs don't matter. I want to devote time to myself, my pets and more importantly my husband and marriage. I want to learn to be happier and it won't happen over night. I need to learn to be fulfilled with the life I currently have. I want to really put my best foot forward with my weight. I say that with every loss but when we get back from Thanksgiving I'm going 5 times a week and am running/swimming my tush off. It's time I stop letting PCOS be my excuse and it's time I stop letting it hold me back the way I have both when I didn't know and when I did.

Overall the D&C wasn't painful at all. I had mild mild cramping after, didn't come close to my normal period pains. Right now it's just a mental recovery. But as I said today I feel at a bit of peace. I'm doing a ton of housework and am getting the house ready for Christmas. I need some cheer in our lives right now and Christmas is a start.

Paul and I are thinking of getting away again, this time local to a log cabin resort and ski. I think now that my healing is starting this has hit Paul harder then it did at first. So I want to be there for him. I want us to be there for eachother. Which we have been but I just don't want him hurting in silence. We received 3 beautiful bouquets of flowers. now I have to figure out where to place them. I'm using today for a leisurely clean of our house, reformatting my computer and knitting a lap afghan. which may be done by tomorrow after our trip. Tomorrow I will be going into work for a half day then heading to my parents for the funeral and for some much needed parent time.

I want to thank you guys for your thoughts, messages, well wishes and prayers. While I do not in the least believe in god, I know my husband does and he appreciates those prayers more then I can ever say. It's a very selfless thing to do and we both appreciate the thought/sentiment.

The day after - going to work

"So hold on to me tight,
hold on to me tonight.
We are stronger here together,
than we could ever be alone.
So hold on to me,
don't you ever let me go."

MICHAEL BUBLE- Hold on

So hold on to me tight, hold on to me tonight We are stronger here together than we could ever be alone So hold on to me, don't you ever let me go

Read more: MICHAEL BUBLE - HOLD ON LYRICS "

So hold on to me tight, hold on to me tonight We are stronger here together than we could ever be alone So hold on to me, don't you ever let me go

Read more: MICHAEL BUBLE - HOLD ON LYRICS

Today not to my surprise has been very very hard. Sometimes I find grieving alone to be the easiest. I think in part it's because you don't have to truly 'feel' anything. You can blissfully chose to ignore the pain by sleeping or watching tv, doing activities that keep your mind on other things. More importantly you don't have to be around people.

I had to go to work today, I knew my department needed me especially since the other person in my position took some much deserved time off. so today I had to suck it up and trudge into work with contingency plans. Most of my day has been spent shut out towards everyone else. With every hug I received tears flowed harder and harder. Many who know me know crying isn't something I like doing infront of people. I mean who does really? But for me I hate showing weakness and for a long time I always felt for me that was showing a weakness I didn't want others seeing. I have kept my headphones in my ears and just put my nose to the grinder. Work is easier when it's just work.

The love people Have for Paul and I is at times painful just because I'm more comfortable in that numb state then having to feel that sense of love in our loss with every hug. As I type this I'm starting to tear up. Part of me is terribly ashamed that we announced maybe to soon. But I truly thought we were in the clear. The other part is really grateful. I have never in all my life received so much support both IRL and from my online support ladies. The messages, the flowers, then cute little ways to say "Hey I care and am hurting for you."

Admittedly because I'm so used to this pain, perhaps not to this extreme, I'd prefer it just be me feeling the pain. Our last 3 losses because they were so closed lip and early it was usually just Paul and I that grieved. This time, this little ones loss is being felt by more then just us. My father, a very tough man who is one of those macho "I don't cry" individuals (I wonder where I got mine from) He called me absolutely sobbing. I was just taking aback by his response to it. I expected "So very

 Sorry" but I didn't expect child like sobbing. Nothing pained me more (besides our loss) then to hear my father cry and know I can't take away his pain, the very same pain we felt. Then my father in law let me know he was in tears as well. I didn't see how many people truly would be affected by this. I just didn't see this coming and I just wish I could take their pain away because this isn't a pain I'd want to share with anyone. I'd rather take all their pain away and just feel it myself so one less person was in this kind of sorrow. The biggest person that affected me was my father him crying uncontrollably = me crying uncontrollably. If I could cry this day away I probably would. But simply can't as my head would literally explode from the headaches I get.

Work has been hard and I think it will continue to be for a little bit. I can tell some don't know what to do, some cried, another girl offered me her acupuncture and you could see how lost she was in her eyes as she knew this was the only way she was able to help us. I didn't realize how amazing Paul and I have it when it comes to family, friends and support overall. I knew it was there but I admittedly didn't expect this reaction from all those around us.

I had to write this during my break because well I'm keeping up with the disconnecting. I know I should try to process it but I've always enjoyed being numb over crying/feeling. Perhaps that's a crap way of working through things but I just hate it. It looks like yet another thanksgiving will be spent grieving :( Canadian thanksgiving my grandfather passed away, and now this. 2012 you have been a HORRIBLE year to my husband and I. Just want you to know that :(

PS. Readers thank you so much for your comments. Please know I'm not ignoring you. I'm finding comfort in your words and am finding blogging is helping me right now.


EDIT: I found this old poem I wrote that really rings true right now.

Benevolence

Perforated lines scatter across my life
threatening it's very foundation
the life force that keeps me grounded
security stolen in a breathless cry

Raw truths, painful realizations
self reflections, unsheathed disbelief
standing in a pool of dirty souls
numb from the pressure of existing

Abandonment written in the stars
the man on the moon sympathizes
to understand the depths of ones heart
loosing grip, loosing all self control

These walls haven't stood the test of time
built in an eager time of defense
sheltering from hate, love, any emotion
trust, a thing read in fairy tale books

Estranged from the notion of a good heart
judges criteria forever changing
chances a thing unheard of in this life
in that moment he takes me by the heart.

Not again :'(

Well here I am again our 4th loss this year alone I'm numb and completely devastated. I don't know how much more of this pain I can take. I don't know how much more my husband can take. We felt comfortable we saw a heartbeat twice. Yesterday we were struck with the reality that our baby's heart stopped beating within the past few days. We just told everyone as well, I just don't understand why this is always happening to us. We got the furthest we've ever managed to get 8 weeks 4 days and I'm just in a state of shock that we're going through this again.

At this point I don't know if I want to be pregnant ever again. That's not being dramatic either. I truly don't think some people understand the state of worrying a women with one or more losses go through. Yes everyone worries but when you have the veil lifted and you realize through personal experience how 'unsafe' you are from the realities of this kind of a loss it changes you. I don't know if I can deal with the worrying over and over and over again. Know knowing we've lost so close to our first trimester being up... I won't be able to trust anyone when they try to tell me it'll be ok. I'll stick in my numb feeling and disbelief until .. well I don't know when now. I don't know if my body can handle this. I've been pregnant for 5mths of a year. 2 months for this one and one month for the other 3. Ladies it's dark here... very dark... what am I doing wrong? I have no trust in my body any more I have no faith left in me to muster up. That strength I had last time is gone.. I don't have anymore in me to pick myself up and keep trudging on.. especially knowing the pain that awaits us. I'm broken.. so so very broken.

7 week 5 days - U/S

Today we went in for our weekly scan. Everything went really really well. Baby B as the Dr said was being stubborn already as she was having a really hard time getting measurements. She said that the baby's placement was awkward for measuring him/her.

We were also overjoyed to hear our little Bambino's heartbeat at 136.36 bpm. It was an extremely surreal moment and I'm not sure if it's fully sunk in yet. I thought perhaps with the heartbeat it'd hit me like a mac truck. But it really hasn't and I was left awe struck at what our bodies are able to do and create. DH and I are overjoyed and hope for continued progression.

Week 4-7 progression.

In the next few weeks I want to start documenting our progression on a weekly basis. But in a far more professional way then what you'll see so far. I want to do a silhouette photo. So I'm gonna dig out my photography backgrounds and get everything setup to do once a week.

Cloths are def getting a bit snugger and while I realize what you're seeing in the progression could be 'bloat' I truly feel like we have a bit of growth :)
So here's week 4-7 :)

The first 3 weeks of pregnancy

The first 3 weeks of pregnancy has been enjoyable but also very very stressful. I realize that I wasn't really able to let you know how the first 3 weeks went. So I figured I'd let you in on how it all went.

Someone told me on a pregnancy loss forum that with miscarriages single or multiples you can't un-know what you know about the possibility of loss. The first one I chalked up to "oh it's a fluke and it happens to some women". Which is true. Then came our second (perhaps the most devastating of the 3). This time I was truly in it. I thought "wow we've had our fluke this is the real deal, my beta's were better then the first." I truly believed that would be when we'd get our take home baby. So when we got pregnant for the third time I noticed a huge huge mental shift, everything I thought was negative, I thought if I believed I was pregnant that that alone would cause a miscarriage (the things we think). I was a disconnected mess with our third, but my grieving time was minimal (NOT that I didn't see this child in the same light as the others. Because I did and still do).

This time around I noticed the same disconnected feelings, I felt comfort in being negative about our chances of carrying the child (still at times do) because it's easier to grieve if we haven't fully bought into the idea. I think women on the forum I was on thought I was ape shit crazy. I'd post worrying about many things, first my beta's, then my tests, not feeling pregnant (no real symptoms), then worrying about not seeing a sac which after the first scan then transformed into will there be anything inside of the sac, to is there going to be a heartbeat. The worrying has been mentally exhausting and has really taken the ability to be happy and enjoy pregnancy hard. My turning point or at least 180 was our last scan. I'm a see it to believe it type of gal, seeing our little one right where it should be lifted a lot of our spirits. I noticed the knots slowly release. They're still there but since the scan I've noticed a shift, a shift in myself and in my husband. He now touches my belly a lot more and you can feel him wanting to connect with the baby. Our embraces are now of happiness and relief. Before they were a bit tension and worry filled. I look back and can't believe that we're already 7 weeks 1 day. We found out we were pregnant on 3weeks 3 days (very early). I'ts hard to believe we'll be going on 4 weeks already, if this is any indication for how the time will fly with this pregnancy I'd like it to slow just a tiny bit. Perhaps after the first trimester so we can fully breath a sigh of relief.

Because of being blessed with not 'feeling' pregnant I want to enjoy it all the more. It's amazing how foregin the concept was to us for close to 3 1/2 years. To now have a taste of victory it's truly bitter sweet. It was such a tough tough journey one that many women in this world have to fight for and are still fighting for. Those women remain my inspiration and I hope anyone reading this struggling can find some ray of hope, to not give up (even when it's so so hard), to ALWAYS seek the best care and answers (because YOU deserve the best and honest answers). The journey is tough and sometimes you have to take things into your own hands. Trust your gut and feel comfortable with those who are working with you to give you, your little miracle.

Results on the first IUI?

So I bet many are wondering how our first IUI has gone. What the results were and where we're at right now.

I think this will explain a lot.

We are in fact pregnant! We found out on October 10th had it confirmed via hCG blood draw (beta's).  I took so long to let you all know because well many of you know our history. Today we are 7 weeks on the dot, on Friday we were able to see little baby B and the flicker of a heartbeat. This was such a magical moment from my husband and I. We certainly feel blessed that the procedure worked our first time around. We are not out of the dark yet but so far things are looking good (knock on wood). We will continue with weekly scans up until 9 weeks upon which I'm transferred to my OB who specializes in high risk pregnancies.

I would ask for all of those on my Facebook that you respect my privacy and not congratulate or hint at us being pregnant. Because of being such a high risk at this point we're going to hold off until the 1st trimester is over. I know all of you already know that but I wanted to state it all the same.

So far I feel blessed to say this but it has been a relatively uneventful pregnancy. I'm sure I'll be eating these words soon enough, but I haven't had any morning sickness etc. Not that I'm bragging in the least but there really hasn't been anything to really report. Which sometimes no news is good news :).

It still feels very surreal and I think it may continue to do so until we see a little bump of some sort. For now it's just chubbiness and bloating :D

Our 1st IUI experience

Well this post has been long overdue and I'm sorry it took so long to give you our first IUI experience.

IUI was at best very taxing, with all the appointments and having to drive 1 hr 1/2 every other day for 2 weeks, got to us a bit. We kept our focus on the possible prize. With every injection I realized that this may or may not work, and with that we will likely have to do this again 3 or 4 more times before getting pregnant or have to move onto IVF. It makes it insanely hard not to think about especially when you put in so much effort, time and money.

The one thing I feel extremely happy about was that our RE's office had 6:30 appointment time slots. This meant that we could be back to work without having to make up any time really. The speed of the office was amazing. Since we'd be the first appointment we'd get in quick, they'd take my blood and then do a quick ultra sound to see where our follicles were at, then make a decision on if our medication dosage needed to be upped. At one point it did but honestly the injections weren't bad at all. As I said in my previous post its just getting over that hurdle of sticking yourself with a needle.

On September 28th my RE gave me a trigger shot along with my interlipid transfusion. Both went really well.

On September 29th we were scheduled to have our IUI. To say I was nervous was a bit of an understatement. What helped was having our friends with us. Strange I know but this family has been through so much with us and it was truly special to hear S ask if she, her husband and son could come with us. She and her family wanted to do whatever in their power to help and support us. It was truly such a precious moment. We got there and had Paul give his sample to be washed (it's really amazing the technology they have to do all of this!). We went down to Tim hortons for 30 mins then went back to the clinic. I asked S if she'd like to come in with us. I have no shame and I know it was a special moment for her just as it was for Paul and I. After all is said and done the hardest part of that day was the waiting and wondering. The procedure itself was done so fast and was painless. Paul held my hand as we exchanged nervous glances. It was special and you could feel the love in the room.

After the procedure we went to the local Zoo and had a lot of fun with everyone :)