The following post will paint me in a very ugly light. I feel however it's entirely necessary to see all sides of this journey, not just the strength but the pitfalls, ugliness and weaknesses it can bring out. It may upset some and I'm sorry for that, but this is just one of the many sides my journey and my own internal battles.
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The bitter bug has bit me today. I am in no way thankful for what we've endured this year. I've decided that it's ok to give the middle finger to thanksgiving and pity what you have lost or had to struggle through. It goes without saying people are always thankful for family and friends but I'm not thankful for all that we've had to endure. Far to much pain has passed our hearts this year and I'm pissed, very pissed off that we can't catch a break.
I'm pissed that 2012 has been the way it has starting out with a loss in Jan. I found myself sobbing today looking at Paul telling him how "I want to have our baby back." I can't fill this void and I just can't seem to get over this hurdle. I see so many people happy getting what they want in life. I see women pregnant happy with their children some pregnant with #2. I just can't help but wonder why we can't have the same thing. Why do we have to suffer in the capacity we have. Why do others get off worry free. Why WHY WHY. Yes I'm pissed because I really feel at this time our FAMILY WISH is owed to us. We've fought so fricken hard and always manage to come up short. I'm sick and tired of it... absolutely drained and absolutely every single inch of me is bitter.
1 comment:
I wish I had some powerful words for you, but I don't. My journey has not been nearly as hard as yours, and I know the pain I struggle with. Have you ever seen Forrest Gump? "Sometimes, I guess there's just not enough rocks..."
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