I'm numb and completely devastated. I don't know how much more of this
pain I can take. I don't know how much more my husband can take. We felt comfortable we saw a heartbeat twice. Yesterday
we were struck with the reality that our baby's heart stopped beating
within the past few days. We just told everyone as well, I just don't
understand why this is always happening to us. We got the furthest we've
ever managed to get 8 weeks 4 days and I'm just in a state of shock
that we're going through this again.
At this point I don't know if I want to be pregnant ever again. That's not being dramatic either. I truly don't think some people understand the state of worrying a women with one or more losses go through. Yes everyone worries but when you have the veil lifted and you realize through personal experience how 'unsafe' you are from the realities of this kind of a loss it changes you. I don't know if I can deal with the worrying over and over and over again. Know knowing we've lost so close to our first trimester being up... I won't be able to trust anyone when they try to tell me it'll be ok. I'll stick in my numb feeling and disbelief until .. well I don't know when now. I don't know if my body can handle this. I've been pregnant for 5mths of a year. 2 months for this one and one month for the other 3. Ladies it's dark here... very dark... what am I doing wrong? I have no trust in my body any more I have no faith left in me to muster up. That strength I had last time is gone.. I don't have anymore in me to pick myself up and keep trudging on.. especially knowing the pain that awaits us. I'm broken.. so so very broken.
5 comments:
Oh Amanada, this breaks my heart, i am so sorry this is happening to you again. Although it doesn't seem like it, you are doing nothing wrong. Life is cruel and bad sh!t always happens to the people who deserve good fortune the most. Don't you ever think this is your fault, because it's not, although i know that's no comfort right now. I know there is nothing that can be said to ease your pain. I myself have suffered 5 losses and am on my 6th pregnancy... I completely understand how the constant worry ruels your life and the fear is with you 24/7. I understand how you are feeling and i'm here for you if you need anything. You are so strong, i admire you completely. I wish i could give you a huge hug. All my love to you and Paul xx
My heart truly breaks for you, Amanda. I am also very angry about this happening to you and Paul. You are one of the most amazing persons I ever have known and can see so much potential in you to become a mother. Do take your solace for a bit, but do not get lost in the darkness. We are here for you, and ready to hold you up (figuratively and literally). We love you. :(
I'm so sorry to be reading this. I cannot add more than the other ladies have besides giving you huge cyber hugs.
Amanda, there are no words. I will keep thinking and praying for you.
"I truly don't think some people understand the state of worrying a women with one or more losses go through. "
This is so true.
I am miscarrying for the forth time, too.
Hugs.
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