The day after - going to work

"So hold on to me tight,
hold on to me tonight.
We are stronger here together,
than we could ever be alone.
So hold on to me,
don't you ever let me go."

MICHAEL BUBLE- Hold on

So hold on to me tight, hold on to me tonight We are stronger here together than we could ever be alone So hold on to me, don't you ever let me go

Read more: MICHAEL BUBLE - HOLD ON LYRICS "

So hold on to me tight, hold on to me tonight We are stronger here together than we could ever be alone So hold on to me, don't you ever let me go

Read more: MICHAEL BUBLE - HOLD ON LYRICS

Today not to my surprise has been very very hard. Sometimes I find grieving alone to be the easiest. I think in part it's because you don't have to truly 'feel' anything. You can blissfully chose to ignore the pain by sleeping or watching tv, doing activities that keep your mind on other things. More importantly you don't have to be around people.

I had to go to work today, I knew my department needed me especially since the other person in my position took some much deserved time off. so today I had to suck it up and trudge into work with contingency plans. Most of my day has been spent shut out towards everyone else. With every hug I received tears flowed harder and harder. Many who know me know crying isn't something I like doing infront of people. I mean who does really? But for me I hate showing weakness and for a long time I always felt for me that was showing a weakness I didn't want others seeing. I have kept my headphones in my ears and just put my nose to the grinder. Work is easier when it's just work.

The love people Have for Paul and I is at times painful just because I'm more comfortable in that numb state then having to feel that sense of love in our loss with every hug. As I type this I'm starting to tear up. Part of me is terribly ashamed that we announced maybe to soon. But I truly thought we were in the clear. The other part is really grateful. I have never in all my life received so much support both IRL and from my online support ladies. The messages, the flowers, then cute little ways to say "Hey I care and am hurting for you."

Admittedly because I'm so used to this pain, perhaps not to this extreme, I'd prefer it just be me feeling the pain. Our last 3 losses because they were so closed lip and early it was usually just Paul and I that grieved. This time, this little ones loss is being felt by more then just us. My father, a very tough man who is one of those macho "I don't cry" individuals (I wonder where I got mine from) He called me absolutely sobbing. I was just taking aback by his response to it. I expected "So very

 Sorry" but I didn't expect child like sobbing. Nothing pained me more (besides our loss) then to hear my father cry and know I can't take away his pain, the very same pain we felt. Then my father in law let me know he was in tears as well. I didn't see how many people truly would be affected by this. I just didn't see this coming and I just wish I could take their pain away because this isn't a pain I'd want to share with anyone. I'd rather take all their pain away and just feel it myself so one less person was in this kind of sorrow. The biggest person that affected me was my father him crying uncontrollably = me crying uncontrollably. If I could cry this day away I probably would. But simply can't as my head would literally explode from the headaches I get.

Work has been hard and I think it will continue to be for a little bit. I can tell some don't know what to do, some cried, another girl offered me her acupuncture and you could see how lost she was in her eyes as she knew this was the only way she was able to help us. I didn't realize how amazing Paul and I have it when it comes to family, friends and support overall. I knew it was there but I admittedly didn't expect this reaction from all those around us.

I had to write this during my break because well I'm keeping up with the disconnecting. I know I should try to process it but I've always enjoyed being numb over crying/feeling. Perhaps that's a crap way of working through things but I just hate it. It looks like yet another thanksgiving will be spent grieving :( Canadian thanksgiving my grandfather passed away, and now this. 2012 you have been a HORRIBLE year to my husband and I. Just want you to know that :(

PS. Readers thank you so much for your comments. Please know I'm not ignoring you. I'm finding comfort in your words and am finding blogging is helping me right now.


EDIT: I found this old poem I wrote that really rings true right now.

Benevolence

Perforated lines scatter across my life
threatening it's very foundation
the life force that keeps me grounded
security stolen in a breathless cry

Raw truths, painful realizations
self reflections, unsheathed disbelief
standing in a pool of dirty souls
numb from the pressure of existing

Abandonment written in the stars
the man on the moon sympathizes
to understand the depths of ones heart
loosing grip, loosing all self control

These walls haven't stood the test of time
built in an eager time of defense
sheltering from hate, love, any emotion
trust, a thing read in fairy tale books

Estranged from the notion of a good heart
judges criteria forever changing
chances a thing unheard of in this life
in that moment he takes me by the heart.