Make the best of every moment

This is so very true especially right now. My grandfather had 2 strokes in the past month. I've been battling with myself internally for a while now just over come with emotions from everything that December has thrown at us.

We came home earlier to see my grandfather in the hospital. Nothing hurt more then to see your grandfather sitting there with this blank stare.

His stroke caused a lot of cognitive damage. He was decent when we first saw him. At a glance it would seem all was the same. Then you started to pick up on little things. How he'd not know words, how upset he'd get. If you were talking to someone else he'd perk up like you were speaking to him. The therapist said he can fool all of us into thinking he knows what's going on, when really he doesn't.

My grandfather has always been a conversation starter. When we sat there I was stuck I didn't know what to say. In my head I didn't know if mentioning anything from the past would be forgotten, or if I mentioned the present I didn't know if he'd even realize who I was.

Our family was extremely blessed to have him home for christmas. He reminded me of a lost puppy. His hand clasped to my grandmothers at all times.

His comfort was in her and her alone. It was sweet yet so sad to watch. His blank stare seemed worse at christmas but at least he was there.

Today we heard that he is getting worse each day. Before at least he'd remember daily on goings. Today he forgot my brother visited only 3 hours prior. Then come to find he hadn't noticed my grandmother coming to visit (3 times a day) he actually though he was visited by a man. ( My brother asked him if he'd seen my grandmother when he went to visit him.)

I've never had to go through this with a grandparent as I was to young to understand when my grandmother passed away more then 18 years ago. It's tough to think/ know that the man you once knew will probably never come back. Again at least he's still with us. I will never say that is a bad thing. But it sucks to see a 'shell' of the man you once knew. To see him so helpless and know you are a bystander who can't do anything in anyway to help him get better.

This christmas really showed me the value in the word family. I always knew it but this Christmas I FELT it. It was a comfort blanket that set my heart at ease. This is one Christmas I will truly never forget.

I hope you were all blessed to spend the Holidays with those you loved. Remember that each day is a gift. Tomorrow is never promised. So tell those you love that you love them each chance that you get. They deserve to know they are loved and you deserve to give that love and know what it feels like.

Sometimes we need to be our own worst critics.

First and foremost MERRY CHRISTMAS!


So it begins
Sometimes we get so wrapped up in me me me and what we want that it really starts to consume our life and our emotions. Well at least for me it did.

We'd all like life to go as planned, and happen on the DAY we want it to. When we don't we get upset or aggravated when really we shouldn't. I used to be so great with being grateful for what I do have instead of what I don't.

I'm ashamed to say I've really let go of that mentality. This baby journey has made me extremely sour towards the topic. Especially when you see those close to you get the one thing you wanted most. Coming to the realization that it's poisoned your ability to be happy for others is perhaps what stung the most.

If I'm brutally honest with others, I should be no exception to that right?

Well my 2 closest friends are now pregnant within 2 weeks of each other. The first one I responded with joy and utter excitement. After the second told me I responded with joy and excitement then after the phone hung up I broke down. I'm not talking about shedding a few tears I'm talking about a good hour cry. Why did it upset me so much? I felt guilty but I think it was very important to realize what exactly the tears were for. Those tears weren't out of sadness because someone else got pregnant. It was out of frustration that I couldn't give my husband the one thing we've been working at. I was reminded of how less of a women I felt because of this. It was a mixture of feelings but deep down inside a tiny bit was out of jealousy and I'm utterly ashamed of that fact.

I've had to do a ton of self evaluation and really realize how much this was consuming my life and my ability to be overall happy. I don't want this to consume my life or take away from me actually being able to just live. I'm in a way glad that I've finally come to this realization. It's already started to have a positive effect on life over all.

My new years resolution is to find the positive in any situation. Be grateful for what life gives you and don't dwell on what you don't have.

Health progress...

What is that? ;) I'm getting back to weight watchers after the new years. Once the visa process gets done I'll be getting a year membership to a gym and really get cracking on it. Till then I don't think it's realistic to really think I'll loose any weight till then. I am going to concentrate better on what I'm eating. But it's the holidays and I'm enjoying it :D


In other news
My pain from my cyst went away for the first few months after the surgery. The pain came back this month and my family doctor thinks it may be another one forming. We spoke about the surgery and she said the surgeon said they removed a 8cm cyst instead of the 5cm we thought I had. I am counting my blessings as I could have had to have my ovary removed. So now we're going to stay on top of this one and if the pain persists I'll get another ultrasound done in February. Other than that everything is good.

Christmas was simply amazing. Getting to spend it with family is a blessing on it's own. I was spoiled and and am very grateful for all the cards we received from family and friends this year. I have to get on some thank you cards to those we didn't send cards to this year. It was great to see my nephews both dressed up in their christmas attire. So very adorable :) Children always manage to make the holidays a bit more magical. It was the perk up our family needed. :D

I hope everyone had a very cheerful and Merry Christmas. For those who don't celebrate I hope you had a wonderful day none the less :D

Update on "Uggh" Post.

Thought I'd share what I started today :) Very happy with what I have done so far. Again it's something I thought up while I was back in Canada. It's still got loads of work but for about an hours worth of work. I'm satisfied :D

UGH! Why is it such a struggle?

Life has certainly had an abundance of changes in only a month. Most of them all in a positive direction.

I spent last month with family and truly loved every moment of it. My little nephews never failed to make me smile. Now there were times that I wished I was with my husband. Who am I kidding I wished every moment that I was with him. But alas we can't always have what we 'want'.

Health Progress

I kept up with my work outs for a mere 7 days then got set back and overall am in a rut. I am sitting here trying to analyze what small steps I can take to make it stick just to make it so I don't always end up back tracking. Logically I say to myself "All of that work for nothing!" The other half of me just sticks it's tongue out. This is truly trying and I'll be honest I'm at my wits end in this department.


Yesterday I got back to the house and did a major overhaul of the house. We live in this small one bedroom home and well you have to get creative with space and how you use it. It felt nice to get everything cleaned put in its place, and some boxes consolidated.

Our 2 foot christmas tree was put up and decorated much to my surprise it looks pretty darn good :) *goes to turn on the lights*

Happy Announcements

I received a phone call from one of my best friends to hear that she and her husband are expecting their first child. My heart lept but in a good way. She had been trying for a bit (well only 4 months) but still trying none the less. I'm beyond thrilled that she's got what she wanted for a while now. I'm holding fast that it will happen for us when the times right. At times I wish "can it please be now already.". The other half of me thinks Maybe this is good as I need to find some sort of focus/nich in life before I complicate things further. I'm realistic and I know you can't ever have all of your ducks in a row but I feel at least some kind of a direction is best.

I also found out that my other best friend will be having a Stag and Doe after her 2 showers we just put on. So with that I sadly can't go next March to her stag. Reason being its an 8 hr drive among other things that will be explained. Hard to also get all that time off for the wedding, the stag and the visa.

Visa fun

The visa process is slowly getting closer to being over with. Anywhere from Jan-March I could be told I have my interview. Which is non negotiable and is in montreal. After that I have my best friends wedding, then I have my other best friends baby shower which I with honor am throwing. So 2011 has so much going on in a 'stressful' but happy way. Nothing better than seeing others advance in their lives and happiness.

Right now

Disney Movies are playing and I'm wondering what I should do. I came up with an amazing art idea that I would love to do. OR I can take a book and start into a new journey of someone elses life. (gotta love those romance novel.) I find myself looking at the clock and wondering where the time goes.

Oh also I have taken an interest in learning how to QUilt. EEKKK I know eh... My husband made a very true statement to me that I go out and buy supplies for something then only do it for a week. Dear gosh I wish I'd just find something I'd like to do all the time. Perhaps this is why having a job is a good thing? It gives you a definite route and purpose. "Do this and this and this." there's no guess work.

Much like my other posts you'll find that this post lacks so much focus it isn't even funny.

In Conclusion
Can someone please come to my rescue and make suggestions on things to do with my weight problems and perhaps my creative wrecklesness lol.

"People Come into your life for a reason, season, or a life time" General thoughts

I wrote this a while ago but thought I'd share with you all today.

"People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime."
This is a quote that I have heard many times. Every time I hear it I seem to relate more and more with it. As you get to a point in your life especially with love you look back on the past and start to notice certain things. The people who were in your life at the time they were you realize what an impact they had on you. And yes this is even referring to the pain and heartache. Relationships are a game of chance. Some times you get lucky the first time around while others have to go through 5 or more relationships to finally settle on what it is they truly need in a boyfriend, girlfriend or friend. Every person teaches us something about ourselves be it if we're too trusting, don't' love enough, are very caring and some times too honest, or that we shouldn't wear our hearts on our sleeve. Regardless it's like testing the waters to see who we fit with and who fits into our lives, our ideals and who gives us that positive life that we're looking for. With myself I have learned that I like to have different types of friends. I have extreme friends, meaning those who have strong opinions and are set in their ways while on the other spectrum I have soft and shy friends, who aren't outspoken agree with what you say and try not to hurt you or pry into your life.

We only learn this through Trials and tribulations. Love is another thing. I had dated tall 'bad boys' all my life and I guess I never realized it till I was with my husband that the bad boys just weren't working. I learned that it's ok to love but sometimes that others aren't as open to that love as I was. While others have taught me that trust is a thing earned never given right away. But with any situation we learn and we grow. The pain sucks but it helps build our characters help shape us into who we are, our ideals of who we actually want in our life etc. They perhaps bring things out of us we never knew was there. One of my Exes turned me onto writing which in turn really helped to release my more creative side that I never really addressed before then. Without that 'inspiration' I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing now.

I'm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. I appreciate everyone that's been in my life for they've thought me a lesson one way or another.

Just thought I'd share :)

Just Keep Swimming

Health Progress
I just finished day 2 of the 30 day shred. I must say it was all due to some heavy coaxing on my own part. It's so hard to get motivated at times especially the day after a work out when your muscles feel it.

I woke up with all sorts of soreness going on it made me feel rather 'blah'. But what I did was turned on a good movie and started my workout. If I can manage to forget that I'm' working out for majority of the time, it actually goes by fast. By the time the video reached the end I was a bit astonished, and it wasn't as bad as my mind made it seem to be when I woke up this morning.

Again I can't reiterate enough how satisfying it feels after you've finished a work out. It's never as bad as you think it is. Most of the time the amount of time you spend talking yourself out of working out you could have already been done. So with that I'm proud of myself for finishing day 2. I'm going to take this one day as it comes. Day 3 will be hard to get in with 2 bridal showers I have going on. But I can only hope that I will be motivated to do stick to this.

Creativity
For my creative project today I will be doing a bit of my blanket that I started right after surgery. Here's what it looked liked after Day 2 of knitting for a little while


It's gotten a bit bigger since then. So I'm going to do a bit more work on that. While I do that I will be having some nice hot tea :)

Post Surgery Update

Surgery Update

The surgery went fantastic. Everything went very smoothly and according to plan. The day of I was very calm. The drive there I was a bit of an internal mess but once I got into the hospital bed everything subsided. I was given fluids but the IV was hard for them to find in my arm so they went for my hand again. The nurses were so amazing. They had a good chuckle because I had to keep my iv on a rolling rod. I seriously went to the washroom every 20 minutes. They also gave me a medicine to prevent me from getting sick (as I told them I've had problems with anesthesia before)

When it came time for me to go in I gave my husband a kiss and hug and gave a nod to my mother in law. I remember going into the room. It was a titch fuzzy but I still remember it. Next thing I vaguely remember was them telling me to cough. Later come to find out it was because of the tube they had down my throat. Something tells me it's better I don't entirely remember that part. The next thing I do remember is yelling for a nurse to bring me something so I could get sick. I got sick about twice but that was really it.

The pain well that was a bit unbearable. Frankly it sucked. Especially driving back home the hour drive. Getting in and out of bed was my biggest obstacle for the next week along with being able to stand up for longer then 5 minutes. I seemed to get the worst dizzy spells and the shower that night was horrible. I was in the shower for probably 5 minutes then started shaking. My husband had to help me on the ground certainly wasn't fun. Recovery was rather speedy though so I can't complain about the few days of major pain.

The Doctor said everything went well and there was no endometriosis. The cyst was bigger than my uterus but besides that everything was working perfectly.



Health Progress
Well with no surprise after the surgery I really fell of track. I had 2 weeks of recovery then I just got lazy. I'll admit I tried to pull every excuse out of my hat.

I found myself going back to the old "I'll start my diet/work out tomorrow." Do you know how many 'tomorrow's' I wasted saying that? Too many. In my gut i know that it may not be the last time I do this to myself either.

SO today I said enough was enough. I got the weights out and started my Day 1 of the 30 Day shred. My legs are feeling a little like jello but besides that it felt really good. I don't understand why I don't work out all the time, because the feeling you get of accomplishment after you do it is so euphoric. Guess it's just a battle of reminding myself of that eh?

I realize this is a shorter update but I will do a more thorough one tomorrow after Day 2 is done ;)

Irrational Fears

I was so very calm prior to this. Mind you I had mild nerves but now on the inside I'm very restless. I can't seem to get it under control. I'm hardly sleeping and I just can't get my head around all of this.

I told my husband in the car the other day. "I'm afraid of waking up and having something go wrong." .. basically I'm petrified of something go wrong and me wake up to having no reproductive parts. It's such an irrational though I know but it's something I can't shake. I don't want to go to sleep for fear that my life will change drastically when I wake up. This is an easy procedure that is done to many women. SO why is it I'm so damn petrified? In truth it's peeving me off a bit that I'm letting it get to me. My husbands been amazing and helps calm my fears. I'm just hoping that in writing this I can get some sort of release, and perhaps a piece of mind.

So far nope lol. I suppose I'm just afraid of the what ifs. No matter how basic the procedure is sometimes things go wrong or something is found. On the plus side at least I'll be rid of these cramps.

Very sorry for this being a rather down post. I just really needed an outlet.

Tag your it ;)

The Nitty Gritty of Life

A revelation

A recent failed friendship has made me really evaluate who I am. I know who I am, I'm very secure with myself. More so then I have ever been in my entire life. This self reflection really made me realize how this one wasn't my fault.

To me when you give all of yourself, your talents for free to someone that's a pretty damn good thing to do. When you put everyone else before yourself that's a great friend to have. I strive to please, from my past to now I've realized that's just the type of person I am. I always want to try to get the approval of those around me. With that being said I spread myself most often at times too thin. I try to much for that approval that I loose myself and at times my sanity. I finally got to a point where I had to realize to some people it's just never good enough. No matter how much you do or try that approval just sometimes wont come. This situation literally consumed my every thought. I had never in my life wanted to NOT talk about a situation. This came out of my mouth too much and it got to a point where it was just poisoning me. I wanted to think about other things.

I had to end it and I did. It wasn't easy by any means but one thing I can't allow myself is to be used. This I went to therapy for while I was in college and my husband attended some of those sessions so he and I could understand where my 'anger' and other characteristics come from. I have huge trust issues, where if someone screws me over or takes advantage of me, it's very hard for me to extend that hand of kindness to them again. It's not something for me that has ever been easy. Everyone gets usually one shot with me and if they screw that up I can't take the chance of them doing it again to me so I cut that tie. I don't like being hurt physically or emotionally, if I can prevent it from happening I do.

It's almost like I cut people from my life. I don't like being hurt as I said before so I try to do a quick cut. This cut was a little less than neater but it was what I needed. I always try to serve others wants and needs for once it felt great to do what I needed to do.

Since then honestly life seems less complicated, fun and just overall less negativity in my thoughts.


On another note...

one of my friends who I've connected with so strongly since we've moved. Well her brother just passed away :( It was a construction accident and I couldn't help but feel so very heart broken for her. My friends are my family and to hear her cry over the phone just tore me in two. If I can take away any of my friends pain I would in a second. Out of love and support my husband and I traveled 2 hrs to her parents place whom I've also become close with. We gave them flowers and just went for support. I gave my friend a hug and she cried on my shoulder for a good 3 minutes. I just wanted her to really feel and know that I was there for her if she needed anything. Same with her parents. While I never got to meet her brother he seemed like such an amazing father, fiance and brother. You could tell again that they all appreciated our presence and that was more then enough thanks to us. Sometimes we have to put aside our daily activities to just be there for someone. You'd be surprised what that does for a person.

Man.. I just hate deaths.. :( I don't think anyone likes them "DUH" but it crumbles my soul. All i can do is support those who are hurting and hope that it helps make even a minute easier on them.


Creative Progress

Yesterday after the visit my husband and I went to Walmart to pick up some Yarn. I really want to do something special for our family and perhaps if I get them done in time for friends as well. I want to knit a bunch of blankets. I figured after surgery for the 4 or 5 days that I'll be useless I could really get into the knitting. So far so good :D This is a positive step in the creative progress that's for sure.

A few days ago I also designed 3 new program fans for weddings and also did a few other graphic design things. I then made a necklace and bracelet for my Future Sister in Law. As a happy engagement gift. I have to say I'm very proud of the outcome. I tried a few new things like wire wrapping and the overall results really seem to match my FSIL's vintage tastes :D

I've found that it's been very hard for me to not have anything planned for the day. When I know I have no business stuff going on I feel rather lost. It got really bad this week. I just didn't know what to do with myself. I'd wasted so much time thinking about what I should do that the days just speed by. I've been sleeping horribly and just overall feel very restless... My husband attributes it to the surgery but to me I don't feel that i am nervous about it. I mean I could be but it's certainly the furthest thing from my mind. The knitting even just yeasterday put me at ease.


Health Progress

I have really been making the positive effort towards getting myself back to the shape I was back in University. My eating habits admittedly could be better. blah lol. However on a positive note this past week I went to the gym 3 times and these were my running results.
-----------------
Day 1
Ran straight for 6 minutes
The rest was running 2 mins on 1 min walking.

I ran/walked for a total of:
33 mins
2.2 miles
248 cals

--------------------
Day 2:
I ran for 10mins straight, then my usual on off stuff.

I ran/walked for a total of:
36:30 mins
2.56 miles - reached 2.2 at the 30 min mark
300 cals

-------------

Day 3 (I was a bit deflated but had to remember that I still did something)
I ran for 10.30 seconds straight.

This part I'm very proud of! I ran a mile in that 10mins and 30 seconds. I can't tell you how proud I was to see that I was able to do that.

I ran/walked for a total of: The progress made was making the mile in the time I did. That's fricken amazing for me. so YAY for me :D

16 mins
1.4 miles
? Cals

My next goal is to get my eating habits a bit better. Today I started journaling. So one day at a time right? :D


In closing

Well I think that was a rather robust update :) If you'll see there are little bits of focus' coming together. The more I do the more I feel like I'm actually living. For a while there I just felt like the days were passing me by. Now I feel like I'm OWNING the days :) Living it to the fullest.

Slightly Nervous

As it's been stated we've been going through some testing.

Well I forget if I mentioned it or not but I had a cyst and recently I had an ultrasound to check up on this cyst. It measured in 5cm and on the second check it had not resolved.

I went to the surgeon the other day and surprisingly enough I was very calm. The Dr was very polite and nice as I'm sure many are lol. She's one of the best in this area so knowing that fact I think made it easier. She told me surgery is a must at this point to help promote fertility. So they will be doing a cyst removal, looking for endometriosis both in the uterus and outside, then the final test will be a dye that's used to ensure that the tubes are open and working. At this point while I'll be happy to get pregnant, I'm more or less just happy to get rid of this monthly pain. Pregnancy at this point will be a bonus.

My husband came in a little after I was talking to the Dr. as he was just getting back from his Dr with a clean bill of health. When he came in he was so attentive to me, he even sat on the bed with me. I'm not a PDA person but it felt good and reassuring. I actually think he's more nervous than I am. To me it's not a big deal. We really have only shared what's going on to 3 close friends and our parents. I find there's no need to worry anyone over a small procedure. Well I lied I did tell all the ladies on TN who have been nothing but supportive.

Surgery is scheduled for the 28th of this month and it will be an outpatient procedure. On the plus sides I get to wear sweats and my hubby will be taking care of me after the procedure.

I think the reason why I'm not so nervous is because I have a near and dear friend of mine who has gone through this. There's nothing better than being best friends with someone who UNDERSTANDS what life is like, with the pain and with the infertility. If there's one person who I want to see get pregnant it's this girl. I wish every night that she'll get that blessing. Not to mention is is one of the most maternal women I've ever met. It's so natural for her and it's inspiring to see her with little children. Both her and her husband will make amazing parents. Again it has been so great to have her there for me. I'm not much of a 'talk about me' person, I'm more of an advice giver so sometimes it's nice to have the roles reversed. Not to mention she's a 45 min drive from us which is easy peasy. She's already said they'll be driving out to see me the day of the surgery. Her husband will undoubtedly make fun of my canadianess to which I'll have to have my dog hurt him in my place ;). Kindness like that, and general care for me means more than words can express.

All in all things are going well. I'm perhaps a bit nervous but I'd like to think that's to be expected. Having surgery without my family close and it being my first surgery. But besides that I have a pretty lax attitude about it.

I know this was a pretty boring update but it's an update all the same.

Cheers

One foot in front of the other. Is it as easy as it sounds?

You ever feel like all the energy has been sucked right out of you? Like moving a muscle would be a literal crime against humanity? Ok not to that extreme but my body is HURTING. I haven't had this kind of muscle pain in 2 years. And I have to admit I LOVE IT!

Now before you all start thinking I'm psychotic for saying that, Let me explain a bit more.

I just shot a wedding on the 7th. Needless to say it was a ton of fun. However I got on facebook and I dreaded what I saw. There are photos of me from the wedding. A reason why I love photography is so that I can control the photos taken. Also so that I'm not in photos. What I saw was just so very disturbing to me. Seeing myself in the 3rd person sucked. I have gained so much weight. It finally hit me that I'm also missing out on getting photos with friends and family because of this. That day I researched gyms and made a plan. This was on Wednesday. We are now going to our local gym and went 3 times last week and I plan on doing 3-4 this week.

So after working out on Wednesday I felt pretty good, tired but good. Did some Cardio and some upper-body. Part of me went right back into old habits of training so I had to remind myself I'm looking to build stamina not muscle.

Thursday morning came and my left arm was immobile. It hurt and it was like an old friend I missed. It was a reminder to me that this is what happens when you let your body get out of shape. It also let me knwo that I worked out enough to make my arms hurt.

Now comes Saturday. MY ENTIRE body ached. I'll be honest usually I get my body aches 1 day after the workouts but 2-3 not so much. I was walking like i had a pole stuck up my rear. My husband took pleasure in reminding me of that fact every chance he could :D.

Today we went back to it and while the legs hurt a bit I find that today my energy is zapped. But in a good way. I'm really hoping that I stay on this track to loosing weight. I hope it's not just a month thing where I get inspired then loose that inspiration. Part of me wants to say I won't while the other part knows it is a possibility. So for now I'll take it one day at a time, much like everything else.



BTW (2 exams done in the last 2 weeks for my photography course ;) )

Slowly but surly I'm getting everything organized, finding time to do things and overall enjoy life. Now it's time for a little din din then relaxations.

Thanks for reading my rambles.

Just keep Swimming!

Oh joy. So if my husbands ego didn't get a good boost today I don't know what will. Some may or may not know. On my laundry list of things I'm doing we're also trying for a baby. This has been an ongoing journey for about a year now.

In any case we've begun proceedings of trying to figure out why we're not getting pregnant. My husband did his test and needless to say he could get a women pregnant by looking at her. The normal averages they have my husband was over all of them and not by a little. I just got off the phone as I thought he'd like to hear it. His words "So I'm a very strong swimmer." "Yes dear in your own mind you are."

I'm extremely happy for this notion. However it means the fingers are pointing at me and my lady bits. "NAUGHTY!" work properly darn it! I have already had an internal and external ultrasound done along with blood tests. Usually when the doc calls they say "Everything looks great." I was greeted with "you have a 5 cm cyst, high prolactin levels, a bit of a bacterial infection. AND you have slightly high cholesterol. Well doc gee thanks ;).

I'll admit hearing all that made me far more aware of my body and my own health. We always like to think that because we're wrong we're invincible. I've said that a few times but honestly I never bought into the fact that something health wise could go wrong with me. That was until the doc smacked me with a healthy dose of reality.

So the next steps will be to start my testing to see if there may be things wrong with why we're not conceiving. I'll admit the testing doesn't seem to pleasant. I won't bother you with the details but from what I've been explained it's not fun. Oh joy. "hunny your going to hold my hand if it hurts!" my husband is such a trooper.

I'll be waiting till the end of august as we have to do a recheck on the cyst. If it's grown then we have to get it removed. If it's dissolved as I haven't felt it rupture yet then we can begin the other testing. I hate having to wait till September to start the testing again but in my heart of hearts I know that it's best to be fully checked out and understand if there will be any risks then to go into this thing blind.

I'm putting faith in modern medicine and my body. If we're meant to have a child we will if not then that's a bridge we'll have to cross and come to terms with when we get there.

In any case you can best bet that my husband is glowing and feeling overall macho right now ;)

Life is what you make it.

In the past few days a lot has really happened. Well not a lot to some but enough for me.

A few days ago we got our visa petition approval notice. While this doesn't mean we're done with this all yet this is such a positive step. We tried to get somewhat prepared for this and ordered all the documentation that we'd need. On top of that we have some forms to fill out. This type of stuff has to be done with a fine tooth comb. Without the help of visajourney.com . I honestly think my husband and I would be beyond lost.

It was kinda funny how I found out. I went to go put a load of laundry away just as my husband came in. I was going back and forth while welcoming him home. when I come out of the washroom I see my husband with a letter in his hand and this HUGE grin. Right away I knew what it was. I shrieked a bit and was just so very happy.

We'd been stressing about when it'd come for a while. Now that it's here I'm stressing about getting all the proper documentation together so we can send it in to the NVC as soon as we get our packet. Needless to say my husband and I toasted with a glass of Vapolicella. MM good.

The next thing that has happened was the overturning of prop 8. For me this is such an amazing thing. I have so many friends who are gay and it's so nice to see that the US is taking this step. Everyone deserves to show their love, be loved and get the same benefits that those of us heterosexual couples get. WIth that being said I found an amazing Greys quote that I feel suits this situation to a 'T'.

"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them."

This quote can be taken in a multitude of ways. For me it speaks of diversity, of just living life as it comes and stop trying to worry about what others are doing because in the end while they live their life freely you are imprisoning yourself by worrying about their daily actions. This goes for anything. There's something of value to take away from this quote. It has really opened my eyes and made me want to stop putting up boundaries, be it if it's my life, my emotions, or my love. Some of it's been locked away for far to long. I've drawn so many lines that I've boxed myself in. Little by little the lines are being erased. Some may never go away but in the end I have to try.

So full of focus I've missed out on Blogging it ;)... sarcasm

When I started this journal I had a track and a general path in mind. Now heaven only knows what's going on. I wanted to do that drawing project but the more I thought about it the more I realized how there were other things in my life besides 'drawing' that deserved a little bit more of my time. No I still haven't done the exam.

I've had time to evaluate and wanted to keep this a relatively positive post instead of one that draws off the fact that I have lacked focus in the areas I previously blogged about.

I have been busy with the business. I have become far more organized and have about 3 calenders one pocket book, one dry eraser and one on my desk. I put down every single task that needs to be done.

So Positive #1 scheduling for business has been achieved for this month. Stay tuned for next month.

This week I have made time for myself but am also focusing on getting work done early. When you were a kid did your parents ever make you or tell you to do your homework when you get home.. Their main reasoning for this was because you'd have more time to enjoy the night. I never really grasped this till around now. Crazy I know but it's true.

So now I'm left to wonder... what crazy goal am I going to make this time? Well this time it's going to be a simple one without putting a strain on myself or my body. That's just to enjoy tomorrow. What happens will happen. I will ensure to check my schedule but part of finding focus to me is finding happiness in our environment and what we have that others may not. I have a beautiful dog who needs exercise and we will go on a nice walk tomorrow. I'm blessed truthfully to have such caring people remind me of everything I have to be grateful about.

(you'll find this blog post isn't focused as it's going all over the place)

Weight has been an issue for me for a while. I have been going to weight watchers for almost a year now and I'll admit I'm dismayed to only be 8lbs down since last year. All of it is my fault all because I just can't stick to doing one thing. If i put all my energy that I put into doing a million different things in a month, man would I be accomplished in whatever that thing was I took on. In any case I was really bummed that I gained 1.3 lbs 2 weeks ago. I didn't understand it, I wa eating right. The thing that helped me was my MIL. I'm my own worst critic as many people are to themselves. This is a very unhealthy thing to be at times. My MIL is like the opposite of me. She'd be positive even if a mouse pooped in her corn flakes. She always sees the brighter side to things. I usually thrive off of the pushy people. But that day my MIL's reassurance and just upbeat nature was just inspiring. The following week I lost .6lbs. To some that's like going to the bathroom but to me I'm learning to take solace in the smallest accomplishments.


I think that's what part of this blog is about. It's just finding happiness in even the smallest achievements. You don't need a medal around your neck or a thousand people chanting your name. A simple pat on the back should make you feel just as elated. So my goal for the week. Blog some small achievements I've made. Even if it is getting a fan order done. WOOHOO. I think if I take the time to recognize the achievements it may help with seeing the progress in what I do.

Are you confused yet? Hope I haven't lost you in what is my ever turning mind.

Day 2: One foot infront of the other

In my quest for focus I started with a rather basic way. I went to bed last night and before I did I planned out my day and what I needed to do vs what I wanted to do. While I didn't do anything creative (by drawing means) I did get a lot done. I am focusing on getting ahead of what I am obligated to do. Suprisingly when I looked at the list and the time it took me to get things done was far shorter than I realize. Procrastination always got the better of me.

The list seems to be something that keeps me focused. Focused in life is something I'm looking for but also creatively I"m looking to advance in a craft each month. I have hopes to compare the beginning of the year to the end of the year. See a cumulative progression (hopefully).

Rome wasn't build in a day so I didn't expect to get something done right away but I got everything except 3 tasks done on my list I had around 12 things that I wanted to do. Not to shabby and a great start for tomorrow. Hopefully by the end of this week I'll have something drawn.

The clean up begins

Have you ever been so creatively starved yet full at the same time?

Since my job loss I thought that having time for arts and crafts would be fun. I thought that having my own business would be well not to use the same word after word but fun as well. I love photography and my graphic design. It's something I truthfully love to wake up every morning to. But then there are days where I get into that job mentality, you know the 'I don't wanna' feeling. I am always searching for ways to get this 'creativity' out of my mind. Sounds odd right? Creativity out of my mind when I'm doing all this stuff every day with photography and the graphics. Wrong. What happens is I get up every morning with this idea of things I'd like to do. Then like a person with horrible ADD I find myself trying it and never finishing it. For example I received a new tablet that allows you to draw Waccom Bamboo pen tablet and I still have yet to use it.

My creativity started with drawing when I was about in the 9th grade I really loved to sketch and continued to do so up till I was entering COllege. Once College started School and hockey became my main prioirty. WIth college I found another creative release through poetry. I started to write and when I look back on the first poems I wrote I couldn't help but laugh. By no means am I saying I'm really any better than I was before because that's not entirely the case. But Poetry was a way for me to track my emotions. Junior year came and I was introduced to my first high end Camera, thus the passion for photography started. Do you already see where my Creativity problem starts and ends? Yeah me neither.

So now here I am in this perpetual cycle of photography, poetry (less of that) and drawing
(now more or less graphics designs). So every time I try to start something I'm caught with
not liking how I'm starting so I stop and try to go onto something else. Along with that I also have orders for my invitation business which is great.

So why am I starting this blog? Well that's a pretty good question when I figure that out I'll be sure to let you know. Or if you figure it out could you let me know?

I think I designed this to become focused. With that being said I have 2 creative goals that I want to set right now.

1. Do one exam by the end of this month in regards to my photography online class. Oh yes I forgot to mention that i took that on as well. I'm always striving for perfection in what I do but am getting frustrated at the lack of serious focus!

2. Finish One tutorial on basic drawing. I'm going back to square one with drawing and will be looking to finish a beginner drawers tutorial. The drawing will be done on paper and uploaded.

Along with those creative goals I have business goals which will just be to calender everything and figure out start and finish times.


I'm vowing for ONE year from this date that I will be striving for a focused me. I'm looking to find me within the year. Looking for what it is I'm creatively starved for.

Looking for Focus.