Make the best of every moment

This is so very true especially right now. My grandfather had 2 strokes in the past month. I've been battling with myself internally for a while now just over come with emotions from everything that December has thrown at us.

We came home earlier to see my grandfather in the hospital. Nothing hurt more then to see your grandfather sitting there with this blank stare.

His stroke caused a lot of cognitive damage. He was decent when we first saw him. At a glance it would seem all was the same. Then you started to pick up on little things. How he'd not know words, how upset he'd get. If you were talking to someone else he'd perk up like you were speaking to him. The therapist said he can fool all of us into thinking he knows what's going on, when really he doesn't.

My grandfather has always been a conversation starter. When we sat there I was stuck I didn't know what to say. In my head I didn't know if mentioning anything from the past would be forgotten, or if I mentioned the present I didn't know if he'd even realize who I was.

Our family was extremely blessed to have him home for christmas. He reminded me of a lost puppy. His hand clasped to my grandmothers at all times.

His comfort was in her and her alone. It was sweet yet so sad to watch. His blank stare seemed worse at christmas but at least he was there.

Today we heard that he is getting worse each day. Before at least he'd remember daily on goings. Today he forgot my brother visited only 3 hours prior. Then come to find he hadn't noticed my grandmother coming to visit (3 times a day) he actually though he was visited by a man. ( My brother asked him if he'd seen my grandmother when he went to visit him.)

I've never had to go through this with a grandparent as I was to young to understand when my grandmother passed away more then 18 years ago. It's tough to think/ know that the man you once knew will probably never come back. Again at least he's still with us. I will never say that is a bad thing. But it sucks to see a 'shell' of the man you once knew. To see him so helpless and know you are a bystander who can't do anything in anyway to help him get better.

This christmas really showed me the value in the word family. I always knew it but this Christmas I FELT it. It was a comfort blanket that set my heart at ease. This is one Christmas I will truly never forget.

I hope you were all blessed to spend the Holidays with those you loved. Remember that each day is a gift. Tomorrow is never promised. So tell those you love that you love them each chance that you get. They deserve to know they are loved and you deserve to give that love and know what it feels like.

Sometimes we need to be our own worst critics.

First and foremost MERRY CHRISTMAS!


So it begins
Sometimes we get so wrapped up in me me me and what we want that it really starts to consume our life and our emotions. Well at least for me it did.

We'd all like life to go as planned, and happen on the DAY we want it to. When we don't we get upset or aggravated when really we shouldn't. I used to be so great with being grateful for what I do have instead of what I don't.

I'm ashamed to say I've really let go of that mentality. This baby journey has made me extremely sour towards the topic. Especially when you see those close to you get the one thing you wanted most. Coming to the realization that it's poisoned your ability to be happy for others is perhaps what stung the most.

If I'm brutally honest with others, I should be no exception to that right?

Well my 2 closest friends are now pregnant within 2 weeks of each other. The first one I responded with joy and utter excitement. After the second told me I responded with joy and excitement then after the phone hung up I broke down. I'm not talking about shedding a few tears I'm talking about a good hour cry. Why did it upset me so much? I felt guilty but I think it was very important to realize what exactly the tears were for. Those tears weren't out of sadness because someone else got pregnant. It was out of frustration that I couldn't give my husband the one thing we've been working at. I was reminded of how less of a women I felt because of this. It was a mixture of feelings but deep down inside a tiny bit was out of jealousy and I'm utterly ashamed of that fact.

I've had to do a ton of self evaluation and really realize how much this was consuming my life and my ability to be overall happy. I don't want this to consume my life or take away from me actually being able to just live. I'm in a way glad that I've finally come to this realization. It's already started to have a positive effect on life over all.

My new years resolution is to find the positive in any situation. Be grateful for what life gives you and don't dwell on what you don't have.

Health progress...

What is that? ;) I'm getting back to weight watchers after the new years. Once the visa process gets done I'll be getting a year membership to a gym and really get cracking on it. Till then I don't think it's realistic to really think I'll loose any weight till then. I am going to concentrate better on what I'm eating. But it's the holidays and I'm enjoying it :D


In other news
My pain from my cyst went away for the first few months after the surgery. The pain came back this month and my family doctor thinks it may be another one forming. We spoke about the surgery and she said the surgeon said they removed a 8cm cyst instead of the 5cm we thought I had. I am counting my blessings as I could have had to have my ovary removed. So now we're going to stay on top of this one and if the pain persists I'll get another ultrasound done in February. Other than that everything is good.

Christmas was simply amazing. Getting to spend it with family is a blessing on it's own. I was spoiled and and am very grateful for all the cards we received from family and friends this year. I have to get on some thank you cards to those we didn't send cards to this year. It was great to see my nephews both dressed up in their christmas attire. So very adorable :) Children always manage to make the holidays a bit more magical. It was the perk up our family needed. :D

I hope everyone had a very cheerful and Merry Christmas. For those who don't celebrate I hope you had a wonderful day none the less :D