6 week scan

We had our second ultrasound today. We have great news and not so great news. We saw a sac and a little baby in there with a little flicker that was the heartbeat. It was so so amazing to witness. The second sac was no longer there, the nurse practitioner said the baby either reabsorbed into the body or that he/she is hiding. They will be sure to check at future ultrasounds but for right there there is one little baby in there.

Here's the scan photo from today. I shocked at how much I'm able to see. The little head (bent down) the little nubs for arms. It's truly a beautiful sight.

6 weeks 0 days Ultrasound

We're very excited and feeling utterly blessed. We realize again that anything cn happen but this is a great start!

Goodbye officially to you

I've heard that it's possible to grow up, I've just never met anyone who's actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don't go our way. We whisper secrets with our best friend in the dark. We look for comfort where we can find it. And we hope against all logic, against all experience, like children, we never give up hope.

Yesterday was our D&C and we said officially goodbye to our LO. The past few days has been utterly miserable. Knowing that you were carrying a lifeless being inside you just was morbid and mentally painful to think about. I found myself over the past few days hoping against all logic that maybe they were wrong, maybe my baby was just turned the wrong way and hiding it's heart. I hoped that come yesterday that maybe we'd be given the biggest miracle of all, but that hope quickly turned to dispare again.

Physically I cannot cry any more, my head just feels like exploding when I do. I know at my grandfathers funeral on Friday it will hit me the hardest (the symbolism and the real.)

My IL's brought me a bunch of flowers which included roses. I'm going to take one of the roses and throw it in the ground with my grandfathers ashes. The rose will be for baby since we can't bury him/ her and another one for him. For now I'm feeling like I can move slightly forward, but am not looking forward to Friday. We've just suffered so much loss this year it makes me feel like it's all a dream.

We spoke with the RE. He came in and gave me a big big hug and told me we'd get there, he was very kind and gentle with regards to everything. They put me under IV sedation since I react poorly to gas by getting really sick. Worked like a charm. They allowed Paul in the room with me while he held my hand and we passed sorrow filled glances... it was really happening. The Dr did an U/S and at first I just couldn't look. When I did it made it very real not seeing that hb again. Paul kissed my forehead and he was ushered out after I went to sleep. He was there when I woke up, perhaps the most comforting sight when I feel asleep and when I woke up.

When I woke up or was starting to I heard the nurse saying she couldn't find documentation about our other losses. (I was pissed I think) Paul said I quickly explained everything in a very factual way. "1 with my obgyn in Jan, 3 with you guys - July, September and November. All 3 of those pregnancies were documented by you guys on my patient portal via blood draws and 3 letters from you saying you were sorry for our pregnancy loss. AND why would I be on the RPL protocol for this pregnancy?" In any case I'm going to address this at our meeting with the NP in 2 weeks. I am going to bring up the lack of documentation or at least consistency. I had to ask if they wanted to do another round of intralipids. This should have been asked at my 6 week appointment by them not by me at my 8 week appointment. I do not know if that would have helped but I feel that they should have kept that well documented and in their protocol. I love my RE's office completely but I do find in that regard organization is lacking, something I need them to understand CANNOT happen next time.
I'm still struggling with do I want to be pregnant again? It sounds bad but it brings me far to much pain then happiness at this point. I know that with our next I won't be able to enjoy the parts I should enjoy. I wont' enjoy the U/s, hearing or even seeing the HB. It truly wont' be a 'big' deal to me. It sounds horrible but how can I believe that it'll be any different until we have our LO in our arms. Next time around it will be the most mentally draining and dreaded thing all in one. Women say they worry about their child with or without loss. I hate to say it but I think the worrying is really different when you have suffered a loss. The anxiety, the unbelievable amount worrying, of sticking yourself with needles (in our case) literally doing everything in our power to sustain. It's just gut wrenching when our efforts fall short each and every damn time.

I'll tell you what though. It woke up this very naive women who thought that because she didn't fail at a lot of things in life that pregnancy would be an easy peasy thing. It's taught me patience which I feel is the most valuable lesson of this all. It taught me life is hard work, not everything is handed to you on a silver platter and it's better to realize this now then to go through life feeling like things should just come to you. This is how I used to be and my goodness from the years it's taken us to, the losses it's just all taught me about life and just how unfair/unperfect it can be no matter how hard I try. 

 
The Dr said we'll go over the pathology report if there was no genetic problems we will do a bunch of other testing on me with regards to immune problems etc. He said he didn't want to do it at first because of the cost. I let him know I will pay whatever we need to, go into whatever debt we need to, to find answers. If we continue this path with no real concrete answers besides PCOS then we will be throwing away more money and experiencing more and more pain with every passing cycle/pregnancy. I 'm a fact girl and I need my facts/answers. I asked him what his recommendation was for when our next steps would be. He said as soon as my levels were to 0 we could do another round. We anticipate possibly diving back in maybe mid Jan / Feb. I don't really know when I'll be ready and maybe I'll be ready sooner then I realize. But I want to give myself a chance to heal.

I want to give myself one time in 3 1/2 years where OPK's, temping, drugs don't matter. I want to devote time to myself, my pets and more importantly my husband and marriage. I want to learn to be happier and it won't happen over night. I need to learn to be fulfilled with the life I currently have. I want to really put my best foot forward with my weight. I say that with every loss but when we get back from Thanksgiving I'm going 5 times a week and am running/swimming my tush off. It's time I stop letting PCOS be my excuse and it's time I stop letting it hold me back the way I have both when I didn't know and when I did.

Overall the D&C wasn't painful at all. I had mild mild cramping after, didn't come close to my normal period pains. Right now it's just a mental recovery. But as I said today I feel at a bit of peace. I'm doing a ton of housework and am getting the house ready for Christmas. I need some cheer in our lives right now and Christmas is a start.

Paul and I are thinking of getting away again, this time local to a log cabin resort and ski. I think now that my healing is starting this has hit Paul harder then it did at first. So I want to be there for him. I want us to be there for eachother. Which we have been but I just don't want him hurting in silence. We received 3 beautiful bouquets of flowers. now I have to figure out where to place them. I'm using today for a leisurely clean of our house, reformatting my computer and knitting a lap afghan. which may be done by tomorrow after our trip. Tomorrow I will be going into work for a half day then heading to my parents for the funeral and for some much needed parent time.

I want to thank you guys for your thoughts, messages, well wishes and prayers. While I do not in the least believe in god, I know my husband does and he appreciates those prayers more then I can ever say. It's a very selfless thing to do and we both appreciate the thought/sentiment.

The first 3 weeks of pregnancy

The first 3 weeks of pregnancy has been enjoyable but also very very stressful. I realize that I wasn't really able to let you know how the first 3 weeks went. So I figured I'd let you in on how it all went.

Someone told me on a pregnancy loss forum that with miscarriages single or multiples you can't un-know what you know about the possibility of loss. The first one I chalked up to "oh it's a fluke and it happens to some women". Which is true. Then came our second (perhaps the most devastating of the 3). This time I was truly in it. I thought "wow we've had our fluke this is the real deal, my beta's were better then the first." I truly believed that would be when we'd get our take home baby. So when we got pregnant for the third time I noticed a huge huge mental shift, everything I thought was negative, I thought if I believed I was pregnant that that alone would cause a miscarriage (the things we think). I was a disconnected mess with our third, but my grieving time was minimal (NOT that I didn't see this child in the same light as the others. Because I did and still do).

This time around I noticed the same disconnected feelings, I felt comfort in being negative about our chances of carrying the child (still at times do) because it's easier to grieve if we haven't fully bought into the idea. I think women on the forum I was on thought I was ape shit crazy. I'd post worrying about many things, first my beta's, then my tests, not feeling pregnant (no real symptoms), then worrying about not seeing a sac which after the first scan then transformed into will there be anything inside of the sac, to is there going to be a heartbeat. The worrying has been mentally exhausting and has really taken the ability to be happy and enjoy pregnancy hard. My turning point or at least 180 was our last scan. I'm a see it to believe it type of gal, seeing our little one right where it should be lifted a lot of our spirits. I noticed the knots slowly release. They're still there but since the scan I've noticed a shift, a shift in myself and in my husband. He now touches my belly a lot more and you can feel him wanting to connect with the baby. Our embraces are now of happiness and relief. Before they were a bit tension and worry filled. I look back and can't believe that we're already 7 weeks 1 day. We found out we were pregnant on 3weeks 3 days (very early). I'ts hard to believe we'll be going on 4 weeks already, if this is any indication for how the time will fly with this pregnancy I'd like it to slow just a tiny bit. Perhaps after the first trimester so we can fully breath a sigh of relief.

Because of being blessed with not 'feeling' pregnant I want to enjoy it all the more. It's amazing how foregin the concept was to us for close to 3 1/2 years. To now have a taste of victory it's truly bitter sweet. It was such a tough tough journey one that many women in this world have to fight for and are still fighting for. Those women remain my inspiration and I hope anyone reading this struggling can find some ray of hope, to not give up (even when it's so so hard), to ALWAYS seek the best care and answers (because YOU deserve the best and honest answers). The journey is tough and sometimes you have to take things into your own hands. Trust your gut and feel comfortable with those who are working with you to give you, your little miracle.

Sometimes we need to be our own worst critics.

First and foremost MERRY CHRISTMAS!


So it begins
Sometimes we get so wrapped up in me me me and what we want that it really starts to consume our life and our emotions. Well at least for me it did.

We'd all like life to go as planned, and happen on the DAY we want it to. When we don't we get upset or aggravated when really we shouldn't. I used to be so great with being grateful for what I do have instead of what I don't.

I'm ashamed to say I've really let go of that mentality. This baby journey has made me extremely sour towards the topic. Especially when you see those close to you get the one thing you wanted most. Coming to the realization that it's poisoned your ability to be happy for others is perhaps what stung the most.

If I'm brutally honest with others, I should be no exception to that right?

Well my 2 closest friends are now pregnant within 2 weeks of each other. The first one I responded with joy and utter excitement. After the second told me I responded with joy and excitement then after the phone hung up I broke down. I'm not talking about shedding a few tears I'm talking about a good hour cry. Why did it upset me so much? I felt guilty but I think it was very important to realize what exactly the tears were for. Those tears weren't out of sadness because someone else got pregnant. It was out of frustration that I couldn't give my husband the one thing we've been working at. I was reminded of how less of a women I felt because of this. It was a mixture of feelings but deep down inside a tiny bit was out of jealousy and I'm utterly ashamed of that fact.

I've had to do a ton of self evaluation and really realize how much this was consuming my life and my ability to be overall happy. I don't want this to consume my life or take away from me actually being able to just live. I'm in a way glad that I've finally come to this realization. It's already started to have a positive effect on life over all.

My new years resolution is to find the positive in any situation. Be grateful for what life gives you and don't dwell on what you don't have.

Health progress...

What is that? ;) I'm getting back to weight watchers after the new years. Once the visa process gets done I'll be getting a year membership to a gym and really get cracking on it. Till then I don't think it's realistic to really think I'll loose any weight till then. I am going to concentrate better on what I'm eating. But it's the holidays and I'm enjoying it :D


In other news
My pain from my cyst went away for the first few months after the surgery. The pain came back this month and my family doctor thinks it may be another one forming. We spoke about the surgery and she said the surgeon said they removed a 8cm cyst instead of the 5cm we thought I had. I am counting my blessings as I could have had to have my ovary removed. So now we're going to stay on top of this one and if the pain persists I'll get another ultrasound done in February. Other than that everything is good.

Christmas was simply amazing. Getting to spend it with family is a blessing on it's own. I was spoiled and and am very grateful for all the cards we received from family and friends this year. I have to get on some thank you cards to those we didn't send cards to this year. It was great to see my nephews both dressed up in their christmas attire. So very adorable :) Children always manage to make the holidays a bit more magical. It was the perk up our family needed. :D

I hope everyone had a very cheerful and Merry Christmas. For those who don't celebrate I hope you had a wonderful day none the less :D