The first 3 weeks of pregnancy has been enjoyable but also very very stressful. I realize that I wasn't really able to let you know how the first 3 weeks went. So I figured I'd let you in on how it all went.
Someone told me on a pregnancy loss forum that with miscarriages single or multiples you can't un-know what you know about the possibility of loss. The first one I chalked up to "oh it's a fluke and it happens to some women". Which is true. Then came our second (perhaps the most devastating of the 3). This time I was truly in it. I thought "wow we've had our fluke this is the real deal, my beta's were better then the first." I truly believed that would be when we'd get our take home baby. So when we got pregnant for the third time I noticed a huge huge mental shift, everything I thought was negative, I thought if I believed I was pregnant that that alone would cause a miscarriage (the things we think). I was a disconnected mess with our third, but my grieving time was minimal (NOT that I didn't see this child in the same light as the others. Because I did and still do).
This time around I noticed the same disconnected feelings, I felt comfort in being negative about our chances of carrying the child (still at times do) because it's easier to grieve if we haven't fully bought into the idea. I think women on the forum I was on thought I was ape shit crazy. I'd post worrying about many things, first my beta's, then my tests, not feeling pregnant (no real symptoms), then worrying about not seeing a sac which after the first scan then transformed into will there be anything inside of the sac, to is there going to be a heartbeat. The worrying has been mentally exhausting and has really taken the ability to be happy and enjoy pregnancy hard. My turning point or at least 180 was our last scan. I'm a see it to believe it type of gal, seeing our little one right where it should be lifted a lot of our spirits. I noticed the knots slowly release. They're still there but since the scan I've noticed a shift, a shift in myself and in my husband. He now touches my belly a lot more and you can feel him wanting to connect with the baby. Our embraces are now of happiness and relief. Before they were a bit tension and worry filled. I look back and can't believe that we're already 7 weeks 1 day. We found out we were pregnant on 3weeks 3 days (very early). I'ts hard to believe we'll be going on 4 weeks already, if this is any indication for how the time will fly with this pregnancy I'd like it to slow just a tiny bit. Perhaps after the first trimester so we can fully breath a sigh of relief.
Because of being blessed with not 'feeling' pregnant I want to enjoy it all the more. It's amazing how foregin the concept was to us for close to 3 1/2 years. To now have a taste of victory it's truly bitter sweet. It was such a tough tough journey one that many women in this world have to fight for and are still fighting for. Those women remain my inspiration and I hope anyone reading this struggling can find some ray of hope, to not give up (even when it's so so hard), to ALWAYS seek the best care and answers (because YOU deserve the best and honest answers). The journey is tough and sometimes you have to take things into your own hands. Trust your gut and feel comfortable with those who are working with you to give you, your little miracle.
