Don't Give Up

IUI #2 didn't work and man was it a hard cycle. I'm not sure how to exactly describe it but I just was an emotional wreck filled with little to no hope. I have no clue what happened but it just overall wasn't a good cycle emotionally. When AF came it was such a huge blow. I think I just had these unrealistic expectations that because #1 worked of course #2 would work with double the follicles. No dice.

It took me a good week after AF showed up for me to reset and begin with our 3rd IUI. This cycle thus far we've had more hope and although I'm still on the emotional side I'm not an emotional wreck. Thank you fertility drugs for making me a maniac, my poor husband.

This cycle seemed to progress quicker and the protocol was a bit different from last time. Last two times they've only ever done 2 days of higher dose of Gonal F then down to 75. This time it was 7 days of 150 and 2 days of 75. My IUI was 2 days earlier then predicted, and honestly I don't mind as it means a shorter cycle of waiting. I did notice a difference in how I felt with such high doses. I noticed a lot of discomfort, the last few days I felt like I was ready to burst pants fitting tighter and just overall uncomfortable. At our last scan they found 4-5 mature follicles. That surprisingly enough didn't scare me, what did was my estridol levels. Most women doing an IUI RE clinics like to keep that number below 2000 (anything over women are at risk for OHSS ). I was at 3444 this time and man did I feel it the day I ovulated, I was tempted to go in because of the massive pain I was in. Luckily I drank tons of Gatorade and increased my salt intake (as suggested by my dr) just for the day. The next day I felt amazing.

The actual day of the IUI I think gave me so much hope. Not the same hope that we had with IUI#2. It's more of a realistic hope that some day, one of these cycles we'll get it right.

I texted my little 'sister'. Quick back story she has been apart of my life for 21 years. We have been through a lot together and even though we're not related by blood I consider her my sister. Her father passed away from cancer when she was 15 and his death shook both her and I's world. Her father was a father to me, and my father a father to her. Our fathers were best friends and so very close. So when he passed we both clung onto each other. Her father was a VERY passionate man, there are many times I remember being on the road for a hockey game and him just blaring the music belting it out. Us in the back seat meager back up singers :). One song he loved and you could tell was so passionate about was. "Time to say goodbye." by Andrea Bocelli. He played it at least once during the rides. It's the song they played at his funeral, it's the song we played at our wedding during the ceremony in his honor, and it was the very same song that came on the speakers as Paul and I waited for our 3rd IUI. I sat there frozen, eyes closed, with this huge grin on my face, I just 'felt' him with us. Can't explain it but a sense of calm came over me. Paul thought something was wrong but I just couldn't bring myself to read while the song played. Just minutes before my best friend and I were texting back and forth, odd coincidence #2. I just felt at peace, I just felt like he may be helping us. Out of all the songs that could play over the speakers (most of which were nature relaxation sounds). It was a pleasant surprise to hear. Even if this one doesn't work I know it's a moment I'll always remember. Later that day I had a few chips (Naughty me) and wouldn't you know it one of the chips near a corner had a heart shaped hole in it. I did take a photo that I'll share later. Pauls numbers were amazing and my follicle count was great.

Even though these little things may have no impact on our IUI. If we do manage to get a sticky positive it will somehow be something I very much so remember.

It's odd how little things, little cues can just help make the day better. Can somehow give you peace when all you feel is fear, anxiousness and sadness.

If this IUI doesn't work I don't think I'll be as upset. It's one thing to say it, I know. But I'm just not in this big hurry. I'm waiting until my beta to find out the news. I will as I said earlier cherish that feeling that washed over me. I miss him very much and 10 years later there are always times that I think of him. To be reminded of him even in the smallest way is always something I treasure. Now as I write this Josh Groban is playing "Don't give up." Again I'm smiling at these little messages I'm interpreting. If Tom was alive to hear his voice I feel he would have loved his music as much as he loved Bocelli

Cycle day 7 - Day 5 of Injectables (Follicle scan)

Had my follicle scan yesterday. After 5 days on injectables I have 8 really great size follicles. this time last IUI I had only 4 at best and none any where near what I have this time. I'm a bit scared that we may  have to cancel this round (not scared but I don't want to miss out on another month). Paul has predicted that if we do go through with this round he's thinking multiples are in our future. That thought scares the bejibus out of me as I don't want to risk our baby's health and my own since we're already high risk. But a part of me would be delighted with twins, if it didn't have the added risks to the babies I'd really be all for it considering how long we've waited for this.

In any case I'll just be delighted with a BFP this round.

But here are my numbers CD 7  and comparison from our last IUI 

IUI #2 Follicles Day 5 on injectables :

Endo Thickness : 6.5

Left Ovary
9.86 mm
7.58 mm
8.46 mm
9.71 mm

Right Ovary
10.42 mm
9.41 mm
10.22 mm
11.8 mm

IUI #1 Follicles Day 5 on Injectables

Left Ovary
7.72 mm
8.54 mm

Right Ovary
7 mm
5.09 mm


Besides that update things are going well. Injectables are going smoothly, it's funny to look back at the first time I ever stuck the needle in me to how I am now. The comfort levels are obviously drastically different. I remember that Mind block of "hey I'm sticking myself with a needle." Now I know the pain (minimal at best) and I've gotten so used to needles that it doesn't phase me. Not that needles on a whole ever really bothered me. All in all things are good and I'm hopeful for our future.

New Year, New Hope

It's amazing how a change of a day can some how help reset your strength and hope. I have been feeling so much better, I have been feeling more like me the happy me that I lost at about a year mark of this journey.

I'm excited and nervous for tomorrows appointment. I'd love to get the news that we'll be put on fertility meds tomorrow but in retrospect I'm happy we can try again so soon. The other side of me is absolutely terrified, I'm terrified of (oddly enough) getting pregnant again. I'm terrified of what that does to me emotionally, how much worrying I put myself through. I know this time around no amount of comforting words will make me feel like there's light at the end of the tunnel and I'll just have to find ways to cope with the anxiety that pregnancy seems to plague me with now. I'm in high hopes that the anti anxiety meds I'm on (which are pregnancy safe btw) will help curb that anxiety and over obsessive nature I get once we get pregnant. I almost don't like the person I become, very negative and such a worry wart. I am going to try to hold onto the thought that the medication they had me on with Angela helped and WORKED. That I know at some point will be a helpful thought that I wasn't able to have with our last pregnancy as it was our first time on the RPL protocol.

Either way I've been trying to keep my excitement just to excitement. I've been really focusing on my health and learning to live with PCOS. I turned to the South Beach diet and so far I've found between it and weight watchers it really caters to my PCOS minimizing carbs to a huge extent which is what I needed. Weight watchers is an amazing program but it opened my eyes to the fact that literally not every diet program works for everyone. Sometimes per-existing conditions will require a different approach be taken. So I've been working out and really putting a good foot forward with my eating. So far I'm down 4lbs and have hopes of being down 10 lbs by my the time I have my IUI done.

So I've been one busy little bee, between going to Canada to see my family, to having a slew of photos to fix up, and I'm designing my Future Sister in Laws wedding invitations. There's so much to look forward to and so much to do in so little time. I like my activity level now though and I really think it's attributing to my happiness as well. It always feels better to know that you're doing something and not just sitting at a computer. I found it really played into why I wasn't happy. It was my excuse for not getting up and doing things with my fitness and overall things with my family. That's just me and was a huge eye opener over how much time I literally spent on the internet. Others know moderation where I didn't. So 2013 my word of the year is "Moderation" this will speak to many facets of our life. Moderation in food, moderation in internet, moderation in money. Moderation is my key :). 

IUI #2

Yesterday we went to the clinic to see where my body was at after our D&C. We found out that my lining was thick but it looked like I hadn't ovulated yet. So we've made a plan to be put on the pill until after the holidays when I can return to be monitored.

So armed with that knowledge we got all of my medication to start round #2 of our IUI. We're hoping that we can start early January-ish. We're very excited to take this next step, CNY Fertility really works with you to help give you the results you're looking for.

This is a short update but an update all the same :) < 3 Happy Holidays everyone!

Pathology report - Triploidy

Today my husband and I found out that our LO that passed away was a girl. So we've named her Angela. We also were told that she had a rare abnormality called Triploidy. Basically she had double x chromosomes (69, xxx). Sometimes this is a rare occurrence while in other women it's a problem with her eggs. Since we've had 4 losses they're advising we seek Genetic counseling. Because I'd rather know now then later on we're going to go ahead with the genetic counseling. If it's shown that I'm the culprit or my DH then we will have no choice but to proceed with IVF with genetic testing done on the eggs prior to fertilization. This is a bit scary for me because I always thought we'd be able to get by just doing IUI's.

Today is a sad but happy day. I'm grateful that our child didn't have to be born to us only to live at most 10 months. I wouldn't want her in any kind of pain and from the sounds of it there would have been. I'm saddened because well the obvious we lost our little girl what my husband was right on guessing what it was.

I'm glad we have some answers and a clue that has prompted us to dig even further into this journey. Thank you all for your thoughts and help throughout this tough journey we've had thus far.

 I was wondering is if any other women out there had this diagnosis and it turned out to be her. Please message me. The internet is showing rather sparse advice or even stories. So I'm kind of walking in the dark here.

Goodbye officially to you

I've heard that it's possible to grow up, I've just never met anyone who's actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don't go our way. We whisper secrets with our best friend in the dark. We look for comfort where we can find it. And we hope against all logic, against all experience, like children, we never give up hope.

Yesterday was our D&C and we said officially goodbye to our LO. The past few days has been utterly miserable. Knowing that you were carrying a lifeless being inside you just was morbid and mentally painful to think about. I found myself over the past few days hoping against all logic that maybe they were wrong, maybe my baby was just turned the wrong way and hiding it's heart. I hoped that come yesterday that maybe we'd be given the biggest miracle of all, but that hope quickly turned to dispare again.

Physically I cannot cry any more, my head just feels like exploding when I do. I know at my grandfathers funeral on Friday it will hit me the hardest (the symbolism and the real.)

My IL's brought me a bunch of flowers which included roses. I'm going to take one of the roses and throw it in the ground with my grandfathers ashes. The rose will be for baby since we can't bury him/ her and another one for him. For now I'm feeling like I can move slightly forward, but am not looking forward to Friday. We've just suffered so much loss this year it makes me feel like it's all a dream.

We spoke with the RE. He came in and gave me a big big hug and told me we'd get there, he was very kind and gentle with regards to everything. They put me under IV sedation since I react poorly to gas by getting really sick. Worked like a charm. They allowed Paul in the room with me while he held my hand and we passed sorrow filled glances... it was really happening. The Dr did an U/S and at first I just couldn't look. When I did it made it very real not seeing that hb again. Paul kissed my forehead and he was ushered out after I went to sleep. He was there when I woke up, perhaps the most comforting sight when I feel asleep and when I woke up.

When I woke up or was starting to I heard the nurse saying she couldn't find documentation about our other losses. (I was pissed I think) Paul said I quickly explained everything in a very factual way. "1 with my obgyn in Jan, 3 with you guys - July, September and November. All 3 of those pregnancies were documented by you guys on my patient portal via blood draws and 3 letters from you saying you were sorry for our pregnancy loss. AND why would I be on the RPL protocol for this pregnancy?" In any case I'm going to address this at our meeting with the NP in 2 weeks. I am going to bring up the lack of documentation or at least consistency. I had to ask if they wanted to do another round of intralipids. This should have been asked at my 6 week appointment by them not by me at my 8 week appointment. I do not know if that would have helped but I feel that they should have kept that well documented and in their protocol. I love my RE's office completely but I do find in that regard organization is lacking, something I need them to understand CANNOT happen next time.
I'm still struggling with do I want to be pregnant again? It sounds bad but it brings me far to much pain then happiness at this point. I know that with our next I won't be able to enjoy the parts I should enjoy. I wont' enjoy the U/s, hearing or even seeing the HB. It truly wont' be a 'big' deal to me. It sounds horrible but how can I believe that it'll be any different until we have our LO in our arms. Next time around it will be the most mentally draining and dreaded thing all in one. Women say they worry about their child with or without loss. I hate to say it but I think the worrying is really different when you have suffered a loss. The anxiety, the unbelievable amount worrying, of sticking yourself with needles (in our case) literally doing everything in our power to sustain. It's just gut wrenching when our efforts fall short each and every damn time.

I'll tell you what though. It woke up this very naive women who thought that because she didn't fail at a lot of things in life that pregnancy would be an easy peasy thing. It's taught me patience which I feel is the most valuable lesson of this all. It taught me life is hard work, not everything is handed to you on a silver platter and it's better to realize this now then to go through life feeling like things should just come to you. This is how I used to be and my goodness from the years it's taken us to, the losses it's just all taught me about life and just how unfair/unperfect it can be no matter how hard I try. 

 
The Dr said we'll go over the pathology report if there was no genetic problems we will do a bunch of other testing on me with regards to immune problems etc. He said he didn't want to do it at first because of the cost. I let him know I will pay whatever we need to, go into whatever debt we need to, to find answers. If we continue this path with no real concrete answers besides PCOS then we will be throwing away more money and experiencing more and more pain with every passing cycle/pregnancy. I 'm a fact girl and I need my facts/answers. I asked him what his recommendation was for when our next steps would be. He said as soon as my levels were to 0 we could do another round. We anticipate possibly diving back in maybe mid Jan / Feb. I don't really know when I'll be ready and maybe I'll be ready sooner then I realize. But I want to give myself a chance to heal.

I want to give myself one time in 3 1/2 years where OPK's, temping, drugs don't matter. I want to devote time to myself, my pets and more importantly my husband and marriage. I want to learn to be happier and it won't happen over night. I need to learn to be fulfilled with the life I currently have. I want to really put my best foot forward with my weight. I say that with every loss but when we get back from Thanksgiving I'm going 5 times a week and am running/swimming my tush off. It's time I stop letting PCOS be my excuse and it's time I stop letting it hold me back the way I have both when I didn't know and when I did.

Overall the D&C wasn't painful at all. I had mild mild cramping after, didn't come close to my normal period pains. Right now it's just a mental recovery. But as I said today I feel at a bit of peace. I'm doing a ton of housework and am getting the house ready for Christmas. I need some cheer in our lives right now and Christmas is a start.

Paul and I are thinking of getting away again, this time local to a log cabin resort and ski. I think now that my healing is starting this has hit Paul harder then it did at first. So I want to be there for him. I want us to be there for eachother. Which we have been but I just don't want him hurting in silence. We received 3 beautiful bouquets of flowers. now I have to figure out where to place them. I'm using today for a leisurely clean of our house, reformatting my computer and knitting a lap afghan. which may be done by tomorrow after our trip. Tomorrow I will be going into work for a half day then heading to my parents for the funeral and for some much needed parent time.

I want to thank you guys for your thoughts, messages, well wishes and prayers. While I do not in the least believe in god, I know my husband does and he appreciates those prayers more then I can ever say. It's a very selfless thing to do and we both appreciate the thought/sentiment.

Our 1st IUI experience

Well this post has been long overdue and I'm sorry it took so long to give you our first IUI experience.

IUI was at best very taxing, with all the appointments and having to drive 1 hr 1/2 every other day for 2 weeks, got to us a bit. We kept our focus on the possible prize. With every injection I realized that this may or may not work, and with that we will likely have to do this again 3 or 4 more times before getting pregnant or have to move onto IVF. It makes it insanely hard not to think about especially when you put in so much effort, time and money.

The one thing I feel extremely happy about was that our RE's office had 6:30 appointment time slots. This meant that we could be back to work without having to make up any time really. The speed of the office was amazing. Since we'd be the first appointment we'd get in quick, they'd take my blood and then do a quick ultra sound to see where our follicles were at, then make a decision on if our medication dosage needed to be upped. At one point it did but honestly the injections weren't bad at all. As I said in my previous post its just getting over that hurdle of sticking yourself with a needle.

On September 28th my RE gave me a trigger shot along with my interlipid transfusion. Both went really well.

On September 29th we were scheduled to have our IUI. To say I was nervous was a bit of an understatement. What helped was having our friends with us. Strange I know but this family has been through so much with us and it was truly special to hear S ask if she, her husband and son could come with us. She and her family wanted to do whatever in their power to help and support us. It was truly such a precious moment. We got there and had Paul give his sample to be washed (it's really amazing the technology they have to do all of this!). We went down to Tim hortons for 30 mins then went back to the clinic. I asked S if she'd like to come in with us. I have no shame and I know it was a special moment for her just as it was for Paul and I. After all is said and done the hardest part of that day was the waiting and wondering. The procedure itself was done so fast and was painless. Paul held my hand as we exchanged nervous glances. It was special and you could feel the love in the room.

After the procedure we went to the local Zoo and had a lot of fun with everyone :)

IuI #1

A whole lot has happened in such a short amount of time. I've learned so much about the IUI process (well not everything) but it feels very fulfilling to go through this process. (after struggling mind you).

I've put my thermometer away no more charting for me. I've relinquished the control and am allowing my RE to take care of it all. To say I'm so much more relaxed after not charting is an understatement. I didn't realize how much it stressed me out. If I wasn't able to know where I'm at in my cycle I'd still be stressed. But right now I find doing my temps to be redundant when we're going in almost every other day for follicle scans. I like not having that daily reminder of our struggles, truth be told that's what taking my temp every morning before I got out of bed did to me.

Now onto the fun stuff. This IUI cycle is done with injectables. For those of you less than familiar with the drugs you can take when you have fertility problems I'll explain them a little bit for you. The ones I'm going to explain are all medications I have taken. I know there are other fertility drugs you can take but as I said I'm not as familiar with them.

Please note what's written below is my own personal experience and understanding of IF drugs. I am not a doctor so please do not take my word for everything written here.

Clomid: Clomid is what a lot of doctors first start with when fertility problems arise. Clomid is a drug that helps women with ovulation problems or even Infertility problems. Doctors will  often start off with a low dosage then see how your cycles react to the medication. For us we used the lowest dosage of 50 mg. We did manage to get pregnant once on it.

Progesterone: Progesterone is something that is very important when it comes to sustaining a pregnancy. When you ovulate your progesterone should go up. This is also when you notice a big thermal shift in your chart. The progesterone should stay up (temperature up) until 12 Days past your ovulation. If it is less then that on a regular basis this is known as a Leutal Phase Defect. Progesterone supplements are often given to women with this problem so that their bodies don't shed the lining before the egg has time to implant. Some women can just have a lower then normal progesterone. If that's the case and is noted in previous losses then they will put you on progesterone supplements 3 days past ovulation so that the progesterone stays nice and high sustaining the pregnancy.

Lupron- This is an injectable drug. It is a Ovulation suppressing drug. This helps the RE's have a bit more control over when your eggs release. When they're ready for the release they'll use a trigger shot of HCG.

Gonal-  This is an injectable drug that is used to help facilitate in stimulating your follicles that carry the eggs for the IUI procedure.

hCG (trigger shot) -  Injectable used either a few days or the night before IUI to promote ovulation. This will cause a false pregnancy test. A lot of women choose to use pregnancy tests to see when the drug is out of their system so they know when the next positive they see isn't the drug.

Lovenox- I've been given this injecatable to take 3 days after the IUI. The Lovenox is often given to women with immune deficiencies. Or women with multiple losses. I wasn't tested for immune deficiencies, but I think at this point we're assuming something along those lines. The RE prefers to just do the Cocktail which won't hurt me but will help with sustaining a pregnancy. It is a blood thinner and women who end up pregnant may have to take the drug up to 36 weeks pregnant.

hCG Mixture- I'm given this also because of our losses. I'll have to take it if we get a pregnancy test and continue the injections until 10 weeks pregnant. From my understanding like the Lovenox it helps with sustaining a pregnancy. 

As you can see I'm on what many like to call the cocktail. I am not however doing Clomid. In Clomids place we are using the injectable method with Lupron and Gonal.

For anyone interested here is my IUI protocol:

Here is our IUI protocol:

Pre - IUI
CD 5 to Trigger -
Gonal 75 units
Lupron 5 units
Baby aspirin (have been on for a few months now)
Metformin (have been on for a few months now)

Interlipid therapy (1x every 4 weeks)

Trigger shot

Post IUI
3DPIUI
- Progestrone
- Lovenox (if pregnant will continue until 36 weeks)

If Positive Pregnancy test.
- Progesterone (12 Weeks)
- Baby Aspirin (36 weeks)
- Metformin (12 weeks)
- hCG shot (Novarel) (10 weeks)
- Lovenox (28 or 36 weeks)

The injections don't really hurt. I think it's getting over the entire "I'm sticking a needle in myself" that is the toughest hurdle. Which to me was fine after my first day. My husband has actually wanted to take an active role and I've had him fill the needles and he's been doing my injections. While some may find it odd I like it because it feels like we're basically doing this together. Makes him feel like he's helping, which he is in so many ways.

Today I went in for our follicle scan and it showed I had one follicle at 16 mm on the left and one 11 mm follicle on the right. A few other small ones but I'm hoping for at least 2 solid follicles by Saturday :) 16 is a great size already :) so grow Follies GROW!!

IUI will be on Saturday and I'm so fricken excited. I realize we probably won't get pregnant on our first try but a girl can hope <3

I will let you know how