Don't Give Up

IUI #2 didn't work and man was it a hard cycle. I'm not sure how to exactly describe it but I just was an emotional wreck filled with little to no hope. I have no clue what happened but it just overall wasn't a good cycle emotionally. When AF came it was such a huge blow. I think I just had these unrealistic expectations that because #1 worked of course #2 would work with double the follicles. No dice.

It took me a good week after AF showed up for me to reset and begin with our 3rd IUI. This cycle thus far we've had more hope and although I'm still on the emotional side I'm not an emotional wreck. Thank you fertility drugs for making me a maniac, my poor husband.

This cycle seemed to progress quicker and the protocol was a bit different from last time. Last two times they've only ever done 2 days of higher dose of Gonal F then down to 75. This time it was 7 days of 150 and 2 days of 75. My IUI was 2 days earlier then predicted, and honestly I don't mind as it means a shorter cycle of waiting. I did notice a difference in how I felt with such high doses. I noticed a lot of discomfort, the last few days I felt like I was ready to burst pants fitting tighter and just overall uncomfortable. At our last scan they found 4-5 mature follicles. That surprisingly enough didn't scare me, what did was my estridol levels. Most women doing an IUI RE clinics like to keep that number below 2000 (anything over women are at risk for OHSS ). I was at 3444 this time and man did I feel it the day I ovulated, I was tempted to go in because of the massive pain I was in. Luckily I drank tons of Gatorade and increased my salt intake (as suggested by my dr) just for the day. The next day I felt amazing.

The actual day of the IUI I think gave me so much hope. Not the same hope that we had with IUI#2. It's more of a realistic hope that some day, one of these cycles we'll get it right.

I texted my little 'sister'. Quick back story she has been apart of my life for 21 years. We have been through a lot together and even though we're not related by blood I consider her my sister. Her father passed away from cancer when she was 15 and his death shook both her and I's world. Her father was a father to me, and my father a father to her. Our fathers were best friends and so very close. So when he passed we both clung onto each other. Her father was a VERY passionate man, there are many times I remember being on the road for a hockey game and him just blaring the music belting it out. Us in the back seat meager back up singers :). One song he loved and you could tell was so passionate about was. "Time to say goodbye." by Andrea Bocelli. He played it at least once during the rides. It's the song they played at his funeral, it's the song we played at our wedding during the ceremony in his honor, and it was the very same song that came on the speakers as Paul and I waited for our 3rd IUI. I sat there frozen, eyes closed, with this huge grin on my face, I just 'felt' him with us. Can't explain it but a sense of calm came over me. Paul thought something was wrong but I just couldn't bring myself to read while the song played. Just minutes before my best friend and I were texting back and forth, odd coincidence #2. I just felt at peace, I just felt like he may be helping us. Out of all the songs that could play over the speakers (most of which were nature relaxation sounds). It was a pleasant surprise to hear. Even if this one doesn't work I know it's a moment I'll always remember. Later that day I had a few chips (Naughty me) and wouldn't you know it one of the chips near a corner had a heart shaped hole in it. I did take a photo that I'll share later. Pauls numbers were amazing and my follicle count was great.

Even though these little things may have no impact on our IUI. If we do manage to get a sticky positive it will somehow be something I very much so remember.

It's odd how little things, little cues can just help make the day better. Can somehow give you peace when all you feel is fear, anxiousness and sadness.

If this IUI doesn't work I don't think I'll be as upset. It's one thing to say it, I know. But I'm just not in this big hurry. I'm waiting until my beta to find out the news. I will as I said earlier cherish that feeling that washed over me. I miss him very much and 10 years later there are always times that I think of him. To be reminded of him even in the smallest way is always something I treasure. Now as I write this Josh Groban is playing "Don't give up." Again I'm smiling at these little messages I'm interpreting. If Tom was alive to hear his voice I feel he would have loved his music as much as he loved Bocelli

Be Honest with yourself and your emotions

have you or someone you know been trying for a child for a while?

Do you get upset or get very depressed when those who you love and care for get the one thing you've been yearning for?

From what I've gathered this is very normal. The very first time I felt this way, I was a bit shocked and mildly appaled at my 'reaction' (after I hung up the phone of course). Tears started flowing and I was sobbing uncontrolably. How could I sit there and cry after hearing something that is so joyful. How could I be so selfish to put my life problems and make it about me?

Truth is I wasn't, it was really hard to deal with those emotions. They have become easier to deal with after being honest and open with myself. I litterally had to ask myself "Why are you so upset? What about this situation makes you upset?" I came to the conclusion it had nothing to do with the happiness I had for those I loved. It did have to do with how it was a reminder for me. It reminded me of the failures we've had with TTC. It made me feel like less of a women, it made me feel abnormal and on the inside it made me feel ugly. I fought for a few years with this. I have even been made to feel like my feelings on the matter aren't good and that I should get over it, which was making me look bad. That I should just be happy for people. As easy as it sounds, boy is that a complex situation all together.

I'll tell you all who are suffering with this what worked for me. Do I still cry? Yes. Does it still hurt? Yes. As of now I have not found a way for it not to hurt in one way or another. What I have found is ways to deal with it and accept things for how they are. I have also come to realize that some pregnant women do sometimes take our reactions to heart. So I always always try to explain my emotions and respectfully ask for a little time to 'grieve'. For me that's what happens every time, is I need to grieve for our situation. Consider it a pity party that I feel in the long run helps keep you human.

When I find out a friend is pregnant I congratulate them and show happiness for them, even though my heart breaks I'm not going to let it break while they reveal their news. A

fter the conversation I will let things be. I pull away for a few months, at this time I really don't want to hear how things are progressing, or to really hear about how hard pregnancy is on you. Lets be honest if you've lost a baby or have been trying so long, you get to a point where you feel like "Gosh I wish I had that problem." So to alleviate my disinterest and possible hurting of my friends because of my 'reactions' to their vents, I distance myself. Sometimes this can happen without verbal notice. Most of the time I'll sit down and chat with them. Above all I don't want to hurt them, but I also want to take the time to tend to my self and my emotions, if I don't it could get worse. So about a month after they've revieled and the initial "Congrats" has worn off, I'll then explain things. I have been so blessed to have 100% understanding and supportive friends. So this talk hasn't been long nor did they ever leave thinking I was being selfish. Or so I think and hope. I let them know just my raw feelings. I'm honest with them and let them know it's not them, rather how it reflects on our situation. It makes everything a bit more real. I also let them know that I want them to have my genuine love and support. So that in a few months when I ask how things are going, it's to show you "Hey I'm ready to help you out and be there." Pregnant ladies please please try to understand what it's like to see someone with something you've been wanting. Yes it's a bit of jealousy, but a lot of it is a very painful realization every time someone says they're having a child. To have that happen over and over again, the heartache is truly hard to explain. I promise if you respect our request for space and time, you won't regret it.

You may also find yourself needing time shortly after you see the baby for the first time. Realize it's ok. You just need time to adjust to things. It's all about adjusting phases in life and slowly becoming ok with things. That's OK!

So through all of my ramblings, I guess my summary is that it's ok to feel that way. Don't ever however make the grieving poisionis. Nothing is worse then to say "So and so isn't ready, she doesn't deserve a baby. She's not married, has no money." We should never stoop that low in our time of pain. That's where you'll probably make it harder for yourself to 'heal' and possibly make yourself very very bitter about anything pregnancy related. I did that in the beginnings of this process and it didn't help me. I mean who was I to sincerely judge if a person should have the opportunity to be a mother? Why was I letting my hatred get the best of me like that?


It's ok to realize that the hurt comes from a place of sincerity. That you're hurting, that you feel like you're letting your husband down. Or that there's something wrong with you. For me it just makes me feel like less of a women because I can't do what seems to come very easily for others. Since our loss this feeling has amplified a bit. But since being 'honest' with my emotions and reactions overall things have gone smoother. It doesn't leave me feeling hatred, just saddened. I will say it has helped me get to a point of 'peace' quicker.

I wish all of you so much love and peace in your hearts. I hope that one day you will all have what it is you've been longing for.