IUI #2 didn't work and man was it a hard cycle. I'm not sure how to exactly describe it but I just was an emotional wreck filled with little to no hope. I have no clue what happened but it just overall wasn't a good cycle emotionally. When AF came it was such a huge blow. I think I just had these unrealistic expectations that because #1 worked of course #2 would work with double the follicles. No dice.
It took me a good week after AF showed up for me to reset and begin with our 3rd IUI. This cycle thus far we've had more hope and although I'm still on the emotional side I'm not an emotional wreck. Thank you fertility drugs for making me a maniac, my poor husband.
This cycle seemed to progress quicker and the protocol was a bit different from last time. Last two times they've only ever done 2 days of higher dose of Gonal F then down to 75. This time it was 7 days of 150 and 2 days of 75. My IUI was 2 days earlier then predicted, and honestly I don't mind as it means a shorter cycle of waiting. I did notice a difference in how I felt with such high doses. I noticed a lot of discomfort, the last few days I felt like I was ready to burst pants fitting tighter and just overall uncomfortable. At our last scan they found 4-5 mature follicles. That surprisingly enough didn't scare me, what did was my estridol levels. Most women doing an IUI RE clinics like to keep that number below 2000 (anything over women are at risk for OHSS ). I was at 3444 this time and man did I feel it the day I ovulated, I was tempted to go in because of the massive pain I was in. Luckily I drank tons of Gatorade and increased my salt intake (as suggested by my dr) just for the day. The next day I felt amazing.
The actual day of the IUI I think gave me so much hope. Not the same hope that we had with IUI#2. It's more of a realistic hope that some day, one of these cycles we'll get it right.
I texted my little 'sister'. Quick back story she has been apart of my life for 21 years. We have been through a lot together and even though we're not related by blood I consider her my sister. Her father passed away from cancer when she was 15 and his death shook both her and I's world. Her father was a father to me, and my father a father to her. Our fathers were best friends and so very close. So when he passed we both clung onto each other. Her father was a VERY passionate man, there are many times I remember being on the road for a hockey game and him just blaring the music belting it out. Us in the back seat meager back up singers :). One song he loved and you could tell was so passionate about was. "Time to say goodbye." by Andrea Bocelli. He played it at least once during the rides. It's the song they played at his funeral, it's the song we played at our wedding during the ceremony in his honor, and it was the very same song that came on the speakers as Paul and I waited for our 3rd IUI. I sat there frozen, eyes closed, with this huge grin on my face, I just 'felt' him with us. Can't explain it but a sense of calm came over me. Paul thought something was wrong but I just couldn't bring myself to read while the song played. Just minutes before my best friend and I were texting back and forth, odd coincidence #2. I just felt at peace, I just felt like he may be helping us. Out of all the songs that could play over the speakers (most of which were nature relaxation sounds). It was a pleasant surprise to hear. Even if this one doesn't work I know it's a moment I'll always remember. Later that day I had a few chips (Naughty me) and wouldn't you know it one of the chips near a corner had a heart shaped hole in it. I did take a photo that I'll share later. Pauls numbers were amazing and my follicle count was great.
Even though these little things may have no impact on our IUI. If we do manage to get a sticky positive it will somehow be something I very much so remember.
It's odd how little things, little cues can just help make the day better. Can somehow give you peace when all you feel is fear, anxiousness and sadness.
If this IUI doesn't work I don't think I'll be as upset. It's one thing to say it, I know. But I'm just not in this big hurry. I'm waiting until my beta to find out the news. I will as I said earlier cherish that feeling that washed over me. I miss him very much and 10 years later there are always times that I think of him. To be reminded of him even in the smallest way is always something I treasure. Now as I write this Josh Groban is playing "Don't give up." Again I'm smiling at these little messages I'm interpreting. If Tom was alive to hear his voice I feel he would have loved his music as much as he loved Bocelli
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Monday, February 25, 2013
Sunday, September 19, 2010
The Nitty Gritty of Life
A revelation
A recent failed friendship has made me really evaluate who I am. I know who I am, I'm very secure with myself. More so then I have ever been in my entire life. This self reflection really made me realize how this one wasn't my fault.
To me when you give all of yourself, your talents for free to someone that's a pretty damn good thing to do. When you put everyone else before yourself that's a great friend to have. I strive to please, from my past to now I've realized that's just the type of person I am. I always want to try to get the approval of those around me. With that being said I spread myself most often at times too thin. I try to much for that approval that I loose myself and at times my sanity. I finally got to a point where I had to realize to some people it's just never good enough. No matter how much you do or try that approval just sometimes wont come. This situation literally consumed my every thought. I had never in my life wanted to NOT talk about a situation. This came out of my mouth too much and it got to a point where it was just poisoning me. I wanted to think about other things.
I had to end it and I did. It wasn't easy by any means but one thing I can't allow myself is to be used. This I went to therapy for while I was in college and my husband attended some of those sessions so he and I could understand where my 'anger' and other characteristics come from. I have huge trust issues, where if someone screws me over or takes advantage of me, it's very hard for me to extend that hand of kindness to them again. It's not something for me that has ever been easy. Everyone gets usually one shot with me and if they screw that up I can't take the chance of them doing it again to me so I cut that tie. I don't like being hurt physically or emotionally, if I can prevent it from happening I do.
It's almost like I cut people from my life. I don't like being hurt as I said before so I try to do a quick cut. This cut was a little less than neater but it was what I needed. I always try to serve others wants and needs for once it felt great to do what I needed to do.
Since then honestly life seems less complicated, fun and just overall less negativity in my thoughts.
On another note...
one of my friends who I've connected with so strongly since we've moved. Well her brother just passed away :( It was a construction accident and I couldn't help but feel so very heart broken for her. My friends are my family and to hear her cry over the phone just tore me in two. If I can take away any of my friends pain I would in a second. Out of love and support my husband and I traveled 2 hrs to her parents place whom I've also become close with. We gave them flowers and just went for support. I gave my friend a hug and she cried on my shoulder for a good 3 minutes. I just wanted her to really feel and know that I was there for her if she needed anything. Same with her parents. While I never got to meet her brother he seemed like such an amazing father, fiance and brother. You could tell again that they all appreciated our presence and that was more then enough thanks to us. Sometimes we have to put aside our daily activities to just be there for someone. You'd be surprised what that does for a person.
Man.. I just hate deaths.. :( I don't think anyone likes them "DUH" but it crumbles my soul. All i can do is support those who are hurting and hope that it helps make even a minute easier on them.
Creative Progress
Yesterday after the visit my husband and I went to Walmart to pick up some Yarn. I really want to do something special for our family and perhaps if I get them done in time for friends as well. I want to knit a bunch of blankets. I figured after surgery for the 4 or 5 days that I'll be useless I could really get into the knitting. So far so good :D This is a positive step in the creative progress that's for sure.
A few days ago I also designed 3 new program fans for weddings and also did a few other graphic design things. I then made a necklace and bracelet for my Future Sister in Law. As a happy engagement gift. I have to say I'm very proud of the outcome. I tried a few new things like wire wrapping and the overall results really seem to match my FSIL's vintage tastes :D
I've found that it's been very hard for me to not have anything planned for the day. When I know I have no business stuff going on I feel rather lost. It got really bad this week. I just didn't know what to do with myself. I'd wasted so much time thinking about what I should do that the days just speed by. I've been sleeping horribly and just overall feel very restless... My husband attributes it to the surgery but to me I don't feel that i am nervous about it. I mean I could be but it's certainly the furthest thing from my mind. The knitting even just yeasterday put me at ease.
Health Progress
I have really been making the positive effort towards getting myself back to the shape I was back in University. My eating habits admittedly could be better. blah lol. However on a positive note this past week I went to the gym 3 times and these were my running results.
-----------------
Day 1
Ran straight for 6 minutes
The rest was running 2 mins on 1 min walking.
I ran/walked for a total of:
33 mins
2.2 miles
248 cals
--------------------
Day 2:
I ran for 10mins straight, then my usual on off stuff.
I ran/walked for a total of:
36:30 mins
2.56 miles - reached 2.2 at the 30 min mark
300 cals
-------------
Day 3 (I was a bit deflated but had to remember that I still did something)
I ran for 10.30 seconds straight.
This part I'm very proud of! I ran a mile in that 10mins and 30 seconds. I can't tell you how proud I was to see that I was able to do that.
I ran/walked for a total of: The progress made was making the mile in the time I did. That's fricken amazing for me. so YAY for me :D
16 mins
1.4 miles
? Cals
My next goal is to get my eating habits a bit better. Today I started journaling. So one day at a time right? :D
In closing
Well I think that was a rather robust update :) If you'll see there are little bits of focus' coming together. The more I do the more I feel like I'm actually living. For a while there I just felt like the days were passing me by. Now I feel like I'm OWNING the days :) Living it to the fullest.
A recent failed friendship has made me really evaluate who I am. I know who I am, I'm very secure with myself. More so then I have ever been in my entire life. This self reflection really made me realize how this one wasn't my fault.
To me when you give all of yourself, your talents for free to someone that's a pretty damn good thing to do. When you put everyone else before yourself that's a great friend to have. I strive to please, from my past to now I've realized that's just the type of person I am. I always want to try to get the approval of those around me. With that being said I spread myself most often at times too thin. I try to much for that approval that I loose myself and at times my sanity. I finally got to a point where I had to realize to some people it's just never good enough. No matter how much you do or try that approval just sometimes wont come. This situation literally consumed my every thought. I had never in my life wanted to NOT talk about a situation. This came out of my mouth too much and it got to a point where it was just poisoning me. I wanted to think about other things.
I had to end it and I did. It wasn't easy by any means but one thing I can't allow myself is to be used. This I went to therapy for while I was in college and my husband attended some of those sessions so he and I could understand where my 'anger' and other characteristics come from. I have huge trust issues, where if someone screws me over or takes advantage of me, it's very hard for me to extend that hand of kindness to them again. It's not something for me that has ever been easy. Everyone gets usually one shot with me and if they screw that up I can't take the chance of them doing it again to me so I cut that tie. I don't like being hurt physically or emotionally, if I can prevent it from happening I do.
It's almost like I cut people from my life. I don't like being hurt as I said before so I try to do a quick cut. This cut was a little less than neater but it was what I needed. I always try to serve others wants and needs for once it felt great to do what I needed to do.
Since then honestly life seems less complicated, fun and just overall less negativity in my thoughts.
On another note...
one of my friends who I've connected with so strongly since we've moved. Well her brother just passed away :( It was a construction accident and I couldn't help but feel so very heart broken for her. My friends are my family and to hear her cry over the phone just tore me in two. If I can take away any of my friends pain I would in a second. Out of love and support my husband and I traveled 2 hrs to her parents place whom I've also become close with. We gave them flowers and just went for support. I gave my friend a hug and she cried on my shoulder for a good 3 minutes. I just wanted her to really feel and know that I was there for her if she needed anything. Same with her parents. While I never got to meet her brother he seemed like such an amazing father, fiance and brother. You could tell again that they all appreciated our presence and that was more then enough thanks to us. Sometimes we have to put aside our daily activities to just be there for someone. You'd be surprised what that does for a person.
Man.. I just hate deaths.. :( I don't think anyone likes them "DUH" but it crumbles my soul. All i can do is support those who are hurting and hope that it helps make even a minute easier on them.
Creative Progress
Yesterday after the visit my husband and I went to Walmart to pick up some Yarn. I really want to do something special for our family and perhaps if I get them done in time for friends as well. I want to knit a bunch of blankets. I figured after surgery for the 4 or 5 days that I'll be useless I could really get into the knitting. So far so good :D This is a positive step in the creative progress that's for sure.
A few days ago I also designed 3 new program fans for weddings and also did a few other graphic design things. I then made a necklace and bracelet for my Future Sister in Law. As a happy engagement gift. I have to say I'm very proud of the outcome. I tried a few new things like wire wrapping and the overall results really seem to match my FSIL's vintage tastes :D
I've found that it's been very hard for me to not have anything planned for the day. When I know I have no business stuff going on I feel rather lost. It got really bad this week. I just didn't know what to do with myself. I'd wasted so much time thinking about what I should do that the days just speed by. I've been sleeping horribly and just overall feel very restless... My husband attributes it to the surgery but to me I don't feel that i am nervous about it. I mean I could be but it's certainly the furthest thing from my mind. The knitting even just yeasterday put me at ease.
Health Progress
I have really been making the positive effort towards getting myself back to the shape I was back in University. My eating habits admittedly could be better. blah lol. However on a positive note this past week I went to the gym 3 times and these were my running results.
-----------------
Day 1
Ran straight for 6 minutes
The rest was running 2 mins on 1 min walking.
I ran/walked for a total of:
33 mins
2.2 miles
248 cals
--------------------
Day 2:
I ran for 10mins straight, then my usual on off stuff.
I ran/walked for a total of:
36:30 mins
2.56 miles - reached 2.2 at the 30 min mark
300 cals
-------------
Day 3 (I was a bit deflated but had to remember that I still did something)
I ran for 10.30 seconds straight.
This part I'm very proud of! I ran a mile in that 10mins and 30 seconds. I can't tell you how proud I was to see that I was able to do that.
I ran/walked for a total of: The progress made was making the mile in the time I did. That's fricken amazing for me. so YAY for me :D
16 mins
1.4 miles
? Cals
My next goal is to get my eating habits a bit better. Today I started journaling. So one day at a time right? :D
In closing
Well I think that was a rather robust update :) If you'll see there are little bits of focus' coming together. The more I do the more I feel like I'm actually living. For a while there I just felt like the days were passing me by. Now I feel like I'm OWNING the days :) Living it to the fullest.
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