have you or someone you know been trying for a child for a while?
Do you get upset or get very depressed when those who you love and care for get the one thing you've been yearning for?
From what I've gathered this is very normal. The very first time I felt this way, I was a bit shocked and mildly appaled at my 'reaction' (after I hung up the phone of course). Tears started flowing and I was sobbing uncontrolably. How could I sit there and cry after hearing something that is so joyful. How could I be so selfish to put my life problems and make it about me?
Truth is I wasn't, it was really hard to deal with those emotions. They have become easier to deal with after being honest and open with myself. I litterally had to ask myself "Why are you so upset? What about this situation makes you upset?" I came to the conclusion it had nothing to do with the happiness I had for those I loved. It did have to do with how it was a reminder for me. It reminded me of the failures we've had with TTC. It made me feel like less of a women, it made me feel abnormal and on the inside it made me feel ugly. I fought for a few years with this. I have even been made to feel like my feelings on the matter aren't good and that I should get over it, which was making me look bad. That I should just be happy for people. As easy as it sounds, boy is that a complex situation all together.
I'll tell you all who are suffering with this what worked for me. Do I still cry? Yes. Does it still hurt? Yes. As of now I have not found a way for it not to hurt in one way or another. What I have found is ways to deal with it and accept things for how they are. I have also come to realize that some pregnant women do sometimes take our reactions to heart. So I always always try to explain my emotions and respectfully ask for a little time to 'grieve'. For me that's what happens every time, is I need to grieve for our situation. Consider it a pity party that I feel in the long run helps keep you human.
When I find out a friend is pregnant I congratulate them and show happiness for them, even though my heart breaks I'm not going to let it break while they reveal their news. A
fter the conversation I will let things be. I pull away for a few months, at this time I really don't want to hear how things are progressing, or to really hear about how hard pregnancy is on you. Lets be honest if you've lost a baby or have been trying so long, you get to a point where you feel like "Gosh I wish I had that problem." So to alleviate my disinterest and possible hurting of my friends because of my 'reactions' to their vents, I distance myself. Sometimes this can happen without verbal notice. Most of the time I'll sit down and chat with them. Above all I don't want to hurt them, but I also want to take the time to tend to my self and my emotions, if I don't it could get worse. So about a month after they've revieled and the initial "Congrats" has worn off, I'll then explain things. I have been so blessed to have 100% understanding and supportive friends. So this talk hasn't been long nor did they ever leave thinking I was being selfish. Or so I think and hope. I let them know just my raw feelings. I'm honest with them and let them know it's not them, rather how it reflects on our situation. It makes everything a bit more real. I also let them know that I want them to have my genuine love and support. So that in a few months when I ask how things are going, it's to show you "Hey I'm ready to help you out and be there." Pregnant ladies please please try to understand what it's like to see someone with something you've been wanting. Yes it's a bit of jealousy, but a lot of it is a very painful realization every time someone says they're having a child. To have that happen over and over again, the heartache is truly hard to explain. I promise if you respect our request for space and time, you won't regret it.
You may also find yourself needing time shortly after you see the baby for the first time. Realize it's ok. You just need time to adjust to things. It's all about adjusting phases in life and slowly becoming ok with things. That's OK!
So through all of my ramblings, I guess my summary is that it's ok to feel that way. Don't ever however make the grieving poisionis. Nothing is worse then to say "So and so isn't ready, she doesn't deserve a baby. She's not married, has no money." We should never stoop that low in our time of pain. That's where you'll probably make it harder for yourself to 'heal' and possibly make yourself very very bitter about anything pregnancy related. I did that in the beginnings of this process and it didn't help me. I mean who was I to sincerely judge if a person should have the opportunity to be a mother? Why was I letting my hatred get the best of me like that?
It's ok to realize that the hurt comes from a place of sincerity. That you're hurting, that you feel like you're letting your husband down. Or that there's something wrong with you. For me it just makes me feel like less of a women because I can't do what seems to come very easily for others. Since our loss this feeling has amplified a bit. But since being 'honest' with my emotions and reactions overall things have gone smoother. It doesn't leave me feeling hatred, just saddened. I will say it has helped me get to a point of 'peace' quicker.
I wish all of you so much love and peace in your hearts. I hope that one day you will all have what it is you've been longing for.
Showing posts with label trying to concieve. Show all posts
Showing posts with label trying to concieve. Show all posts
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
In the Blink of an eye...
The blog has almost transformed over the past 6 months into a TTC (trying to conceive) blog more then anything. So with that I kind of changed the name a bit to encompass this huge part of my life. What has been a huge part of both of our lives for almost 3 years now (Gosh it's a bit deflating to see that it's been that long). I have been searching out creative means for focus meanwhile I was always neglecting to acknowledge the one thing I was putting all my focus on, getting pregnant. Of course I couldn't find a way to focus on anything else.
TTC is a journey that will for many have many downs and some possible up's. For those who don't want children they perhaps don't fully grasp what it means to know you can't possibly have children or that 'goal is out of your reach. The best way I can equate it to is, it's like any life goal you've had for yourself. Naturally when you can't achieve those goals you are deflated but try harder or for some you give up. Thing is when it really sucks is when someone else determines whether or not you can achieve these goals. That to many is frustrating, deflating and at times a tough pill to swallow. That to me is what TTC is for my husband and I. Knowing that this really isn't in our control. I mean a bit of it is obviously but getting pregnant and staying pregnant, there's not much you can control there.
I write this today with a very heavy heart. I'd hope that my next blog post on here would be that of great news, and utter jubilation. Regretfully, it's with loss and confusion. 5 days ago I took a test at 10 days past my ovulation. To my surprise the pregnancy test came out positive. Hand clasped over my mouth I all but fell over while hyperventilating. "oh this can't be right." I reach for another test. Another faint positive. "OMG.. " tears flow down my face. "This isn't real, it can't be." I call a best friend, in tears saying "I think I'm staring at 2 positive pregnancy tests. A photo confirmation was had 2 minutes later." So I'm not seeing things, it is a positive and 2 at that.
I wipe my tears compose myself and go downstairs to where my husband is watching TV. Not knowing I was about to deliver the news we've been waiting for, for close to 3 years. I was feeling creative but I was also feeling a bit rushed to tell him. I grab my computer and the photo I took. I'm apart of an on-line forum so the context of the conversation was about a 'girl' on the forum who was looking for confirmation of her positive test.
"I said. "So Paul there's this girl on the forum who was asking if she had a positive pregnancy test. Here's the photo. What do you think? I think it may be a positive."
Him: "Yeah I see those two faint lines on the 2 tests. That means it's a positive right?"
Me: "Yes, it's my test."
*blank stare*
Him: "So you're pregnant?" (really confused face)
Then the light bulb goes off and he tackles me with a big hug and a few tears. "
Little did we know what was waiting for us 4 days later...
The following day I take a test and it comes back negative. I tell myself not to worry because it's still early on. The ladies who are apart of the forum also sent encouraging words. So I call my doctor and let her know. A blood test was scheduled for that night.
Day #3 I take a morning test. Another BFP... "oh yay." I was miss perky especially when I took another test at noon and came back with another faint positive. The doc calls and tells me my blood tests came back negative. But I let her know about the positive tests this am. To which she says we'll test again in 5 days and she thinks I am probably pregnant. "Oh yay!"
Day#4
The next day my insane testing habits persist. Another negative. Slowly I'm starting to feel deflated about this. But my husband and ladies on the forum keep my spirits up.
Day #5 Another negative. and I'm getting cramps. My husband is packing his bags to leave on a plane. As soon as he leaves I go to the washroom. Red spotting starts.... cramping gets worse. I try to think positive. "it's implantation bleeding." Hours later the blood flows and my period officially starts.
Alone and confused I fight back the tears and the huge knot in the back of my throat. I pace... I pace a lot. I go to the kitchen, back to the living room.. then back to the kitchen. I'm looking for something and I don't know what.. I am looking for a hug. Looking to be held onto so tightly that I can't think of anything else but the embrace. Instead the hug comes from an "I love you"from my husband over the phone. And the support of my TTC friends miles and miles away from me.
What happened? I had a chemical pregnancy. What happened is I had an early miscarriage. The term chemical pregnancy to me diminishes the loss. While it's true some women don't even know they're having a miscarriage that early, I'm sure many would be devastated to find out that their late or really heavy period was caused by a pregnancy.
I have been fighting with myself on just how appropriate it is to 'grieve' such an early loss. I have concluded it hurts all the same. I have a huge hole in my soul right now. While it does give me a glimmer of hope that we know I can at least get pregnant. It does leave me with a very very empty feeling. I feel angry and frustrated. I feel lost and very alone. I feel cheated and as if it was all a cruel cruel joke. I feel the weight of reality.
To some this is a small loss. To me it's a miscarriage and one I'll be mourning for a bit. This emotional roller-coaster we were on for 4 days ended in crushing news. With that I need time away from it for a few months. TTC (trying to conceive) is something my husband and I have really only known for almost 3 years. It's become a habit and it's taken away from our ability to kind of just live and enjoy ourselves. With that I've had to with tears in my eyes, say that we're going to stop till May to try again. In the mean time I'll focus on truly getting my body into pregnancy shape. The thought of being pregnant was a euphoric one, but when I looked at my body I didn't really like what I saw. I know I'm a beautiful women and I want to feel that way the next time we find out we're pregnant. I want to be as healthy as I possibly can. We've put SOOO much focus into getting pregnant it really has taken away from me just being able to focus on me and my health. Every month was prefaced with a "We might be pregnant so I don't want to push it. I don't want to cause a possible problem." All of that focus has not allowed me to focus on what I should have been the entire time, my health which would in turn hopefully mean a healthier less complicated pregnancy.
If there's any good that came out of this it's 1. We know conception is a possibility and 2. Time to focus on us for a little while.
As I finish writing this my heart is still heavy but my hopes are slowly being rebuilt.
If you've had a chemical pregnancy know you're not alone. Know you have just as much of a right to grieve. You were pregnant and now you aren't don't let anyone make you feel like you can't feel bad about that fact. Any kind of miscarriage know you're not alone... That you are loved and you have support! Message me any time.
TTC is a journey that will for many have many downs and some possible up's. For those who don't want children they perhaps don't fully grasp what it means to know you can't possibly have children or that 'goal is out of your reach. The best way I can equate it to is, it's like any life goal you've had for yourself. Naturally when you can't achieve those goals you are deflated but try harder or for some you give up. Thing is when it really sucks is when someone else determines whether or not you can achieve these goals. That to many is frustrating, deflating and at times a tough pill to swallow. That to me is what TTC is for my husband and I. Knowing that this really isn't in our control. I mean a bit of it is obviously but getting pregnant and staying pregnant, there's not much you can control there.
I write this today with a very heavy heart. I'd hope that my next blog post on here would be that of great news, and utter jubilation. Regretfully, it's with loss and confusion. 5 days ago I took a test at 10 days past my ovulation. To my surprise the pregnancy test came out positive. Hand clasped over my mouth I all but fell over while hyperventilating. "oh this can't be right." I reach for another test. Another faint positive. "OMG.. " tears flow down my face. "This isn't real, it can't be." I call a best friend, in tears saying "I think I'm staring at 2 positive pregnancy tests. A photo confirmation was had 2 minutes later." So I'm not seeing things, it is a positive and 2 at that.
I wipe my tears compose myself and go downstairs to where my husband is watching TV. Not knowing I was about to deliver the news we've been waiting for, for close to 3 years. I was feeling creative but I was also feeling a bit rushed to tell him. I grab my computer and the photo I took. I'm apart of an on-line forum so the context of the conversation was about a 'girl' on the forum who was looking for confirmation of her positive test.
"I said. "So Paul there's this girl on the forum who was asking if she had a positive pregnancy test. Here's the photo. What do you think? I think it may be a positive."
Him: "Yeah I see those two faint lines on the 2 tests. That means it's a positive right?"
Me: "Yes, it's my test."
*blank stare*
Him: "So you're pregnant?" (really confused face)
Then the light bulb goes off and he tackles me with a big hug and a few tears. "
Little did we know what was waiting for us 4 days later...
The following day I take a test and it comes back negative. I tell myself not to worry because it's still early on. The ladies who are apart of the forum also sent encouraging words. So I call my doctor and let her know. A blood test was scheduled for that night.
Day #3 I take a morning test. Another BFP... "oh yay." I was miss perky especially when I took another test at noon and came back with another faint positive. The doc calls and tells me my blood tests came back negative. But I let her know about the positive tests this am. To which she says we'll test again in 5 days and she thinks I am probably pregnant. "Oh yay!"
Day#4
The next day my insane testing habits persist. Another negative. Slowly I'm starting to feel deflated about this. But my husband and ladies on the forum keep my spirits up.
Day #5 Another negative. and I'm getting cramps. My husband is packing his bags to leave on a plane. As soon as he leaves I go to the washroom. Red spotting starts.... cramping gets worse. I try to think positive. "it's implantation bleeding." Hours later the blood flows and my period officially starts.
Alone and confused I fight back the tears and the huge knot in the back of my throat. I pace... I pace a lot. I go to the kitchen, back to the living room.. then back to the kitchen. I'm looking for something and I don't know what.. I am looking for a hug. Looking to be held onto so tightly that I can't think of anything else but the embrace. Instead the hug comes from an "I love you"from my husband over the phone. And the support of my TTC friends miles and miles away from me.
What happened? I had a chemical pregnancy. What happened is I had an early miscarriage. The term chemical pregnancy to me diminishes the loss. While it's true some women don't even know they're having a miscarriage that early, I'm sure many would be devastated to find out that their late or really heavy period was caused by a pregnancy.
I have been fighting with myself on just how appropriate it is to 'grieve' such an early loss. I have concluded it hurts all the same. I have a huge hole in my soul right now. While it does give me a glimmer of hope that we know I can at least get pregnant. It does leave me with a very very empty feeling. I feel angry and frustrated. I feel lost and very alone. I feel cheated and as if it was all a cruel cruel joke. I feel the weight of reality.
To some this is a small loss. To me it's a miscarriage and one I'll be mourning for a bit. This emotional roller-coaster we were on for 4 days ended in crushing news. With that I need time away from it for a few months. TTC (trying to conceive) is something my husband and I have really only known for almost 3 years. It's become a habit and it's taken away from our ability to kind of just live and enjoy ourselves. With that I've had to with tears in my eyes, say that we're going to stop till May to try again. In the mean time I'll focus on truly getting my body into pregnancy shape. The thought of being pregnant was a euphoric one, but when I looked at my body I didn't really like what I saw. I know I'm a beautiful women and I want to feel that way the next time we find out we're pregnant. I want to be as healthy as I possibly can. We've put SOOO much focus into getting pregnant it really has taken away from me just being able to focus on me and my health. Every month was prefaced with a "We might be pregnant so I don't want to push it. I don't want to cause a possible problem." All of that focus has not allowed me to focus on what I should have been the entire time, my health which would in turn hopefully mean a healthier less complicated pregnancy.
If there's any good that came out of this it's 1. We know conception is a possibility and 2. Time to focus on us for a little while.
As I finish writing this my heart is still heavy but my hopes are slowly being rebuilt.
If you've had a chemical pregnancy know you're not alone. Know you have just as much of a right to grieve. You were pregnant and now you aren't don't let anyone make you feel like you can't feel bad about that fact. Any kind of miscarriage know you're not alone... That you are loved and you have support! Message me any time.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Bring home the bacon baby!
This past month has had so much going on I'm surprised my head is still secure. But not in a bad way. I've been reeling for some life excitement and just something less mundane from staying at home being very very lonely.
A lot has transpired since my last post. The biggest news is, I finally got a job. I absolutely love it and I'm actually working 'with' my husband in his Pharmaceutical group as a documentation specialist. I was brought in to see if we could put my IT knowledge to use when it came to documents. So far it's been very rewarding, tiring but it's great to just be IN the work environment again. Not to mention making some money to help the family is calming and it makes me just feel like I'm contributing overall. Many have questioned me as to how I can work with my husband. My answer is it's easy actually. The phesod "Work and Pleasure don't mix" Is true for those who can't seperate the two. My husband is not my boss nor do we always work together. When we do we know how to be professional, plus he's my best friend it's easy to work with him. I've actually found working with him or at least close with him has made the transition to this company smoother. I can ask him questions and not feel like a noob. I feel a different level of comfort and in the end it makes me confident in what I'm doing. I'm on my 4th week and really I have no complaints thus far. My cubical is litterally attached to his. So it's funny but we give eachother that space while mainting that professionalism. Actually working together has brought us closer. I find at work I just want to hug him and I adore watching him in action. So all those times I couldn't hug him at work we make up for it at home. I'm far more affectionate with him I find now then I was when I was just staying at home waiting for him to come home from work. I aprpeciate him and admire him on a professional level that adds to my love for him. He's such an inspiration, such a smart smart man, it's endearing to see just how much he's respected by his co workers. Not that it shocked me it's just different seeing your spouse while they work. It just brings you to a different level I feel.
We also as of October 30ish started our first round of Clomid. Clomid where to start with that drug? Well to start off it some how renewed my faith in this entire TTC journey. It somehow felt like a fresh start. I'm trying as hard as I might not to get my hopes so wrapped up in what could possibly be. Clomid had noticeable changes to my mood, perhaps the most noticeable to me was my short short attention span. Around 9 I would get so hyper. Something always had to be moving. My husband swore I was almost about to do jumping jacks. I took some peppermint tea in hopes that it would calm the restlessness and it worked. Also I was a bit more emotional, short, but also had more patience at times. It was weird but if this works it's been very worth it. Right now we're in our 2 week wait (the time between when you ovulate to when you're next cycle beings (period).) This time around I know better then to over-analyze how I'm feeling. Some times I'd be so convinced I had symptoms. This time I'm just going to wait till I know my period has been missed. A positive to this is we did have a positive OPK, I really couldn't stop smiling when I saw that.
Life is such a weird thing. It never really goes as you plan it to. It's never easy to relinquish control but sometimes you just have to go with the flow. It's not easy and hasn't been easy but we're taking each day as it comes. However it comes and in whatever form it comes in. Although I had my home business I've found since I've gotten this job we've been far less stressed. While money was never an issue having that room (minus our savings) is allowing us to indulge and feel less restricted. However we've been safe to ensure that we don't change life too much because well that's just that much more that goes into our Baby fund and our savings.
Right now I think it's safe to say I'm very satisfied with life. What ever happens will happen.
A lot has transpired since my last post. The biggest news is, I finally got a job. I absolutely love it and I'm actually working 'with' my husband in his Pharmaceutical group as a documentation specialist. I was brought in to see if we could put my IT knowledge to use when it came to documents. So far it's been very rewarding, tiring but it's great to just be IN the work environment again. Not to mention making some money to help the family is calming and it makes me just feel like I'm contributing overall. Many have questioned me as to how I can work with my husband. My answer is it's easy actually. The phesod "Work and Pleasure don't mix" Is true for those who can't seperate the two. My husband is not my boss nor do we always work together. When we do we know how to be professional, plus he's my best friend it's easy to work with him. I've actually found working with him or at least close with him has made the transition to this company smoother. I can ask him questions and not feel like a noob. I feel a different level of comfort and in the end it makes me confident in what I'm doing. I'm on my 4th week and really I have no complaints thus far. My cubical is litterally attached to his. So it's funny but we give eachother that space while mainting that professionalism. Actually working together has brought us closer. I find at work I just want to hug him and I adore watching him in action. So all those times I couldn't hug him at work we make up for it at home. I'm far more affectionate with him I find now then I was when I was just staying at home waiting for him to come home from work. I aprpeciate him and admire him on a professional level that adds to my love for him. He's such an inspiration, such a smart smart man, it's endearing to see just how much he's respected by his co workers. Not that it shocked me it's just different seeing your spouse while they work. It just brings you to a different level I feel.
We also as of October 30ish started our first round of Clomid. Clomid where to start with that drug? Well to start off it some how renewed my faith in this entire TTC journey. It somehow felt like a fresh start. I'm trying as hard as I might not to get my hopes so wrapped up in what could possibly be. Clomid had noticeable changes to my mood, perhaps the most noticeable to me was my short short attention span. Around 9 I would get so hyper. Something always had to be moving. My husband swore I was almost about to do jumping jacks. I took some peppermint tea in hopes that it would calm the restlessness and it worked. Also I was a bit more emotional, short, but also had more patience at times. It was weird but if this works it's been very worth it. Right now we're in our 2 week wait (the time between when you ovulate to when you're next cycle beings (period).) This time around I know better then to over-analyze how I'm feeling. Some times I'd be so convinced I had symptoms. This time I'm just going to wait till I know my period has been missed. A positive to this is we did have a positive OPK, I really couldn't stop smiling when I saw that.
Life is such a weird thing. It never really goes as you plan it to. It's never easy to relinquish control but sometimes you just have to go with the flow. It's not easy and hasn't been easy but we're taking each day as it comes. However it comes and in whatever form it comes in. Although I had my home business I've found since I've gotten this job we've been far less stressed. While money was never an issue having that room (minus our savings) is allowing us to indulge and feel less restricted. However we've been safe to ensure that we don't change life too much because well that's just that much more that goes into our Baby fund and our savings.
Right now I think it's safe to say I'm very satisfied with life. What ever happens will happen.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Every step
With every step I take I'm slowly finding who I am. Both in my photography career and overall life.
Unemployment has been such a growing experience. I'm not one of those individuals to sit back and be lazy. I found myself finding ways to not only occupy my time but become productive force in our family. The satisfaction from seeing the fruits of your labor is simply put rewarding. Although I know some of my time could have been better spent researching a bit more, I'm none the less proud of myself.
Through this time I've come to the realization that being 'unfocused' allowed me to expand my horizons. Being unfocused I realized was a byproduct of not being satisfied. My satisfaction now comes with knowing how creative I truly am. It may seem egotistical to some but it's something I'm proud of but only came through lots of work.
I feel that life could always always be worse and the fact that I have the means to do all these creative projects is a blessing on it's own. Many do not have such opportunities.
So my focus now? To continue to grow in whatever way strikes my fancy in that moment. :)Accept that the erratic thought process and the growing projects are a part of who I am. It's what makes me me. :D
Baby process:
I'm sure some of you are in question as far as how it's going with getting pregnant. Right now we're at a stand still. I had an abnormal pap which seems to be a 'normal' thing for women. So we're going to take care of whatever caused the abnormal pap via a colposcopy. At this point whatever lays ahead for my husband and I, I really cant change. I can only try to grow, learn from it and find peace in whatever path truly
lay ahead for us both (in this department). I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm dreading any bad news. Part of me is terrified, the other part has hope because no answers are given yet :). I can say how I'd LIKE to react to any possible news but in truth I'm unsure how my heart would take it.
Once we get this out of the way it's on to clomid. A part of me is doing this jumping dance, but I don't want to put so much hope and faith in this drug. But that's step 2 and I can't jump there till I'm cleared of step 1.
I want to say thank you to all my readers. It helps to know that others are out there maybe taking comfort in my journey, connecting with it in one way, or in need of some kind of support.
Unemployment has been such a growing experience. I'm not one of those individuals to sit back and be lazy. I found myself finding ways to not only occupy my time but become productive force in our family. The satisfaction from seeing the fruits of your labor is simply put rewarding. Although I know some of my time could have been better spent researching a bit more, I'm none the less proud of myself.
Through this time I've come to the realization that being 'unfocused' allowed me to expand my horizons. Being unfocused I realized was a byproduct of not being satisfied. My satisfaction now comes with knowing how creative I truly am. It may seem egotistical to some but it's something I'm proud of but only came through lots of work.
I feel that life could always always be worse and the fact that I have the means to do all these creative projects is a blessing on it's own. Many do not have such opportunities.
So my focus now? To continue to grow in whatever way strikes my fancy in that moment. :)Accept that the erratic thought process and the growing projects are a part of who I am. It's what makes me me. :D
Baby process:
I'm sure some of you are in question as far as how it's going with getting pregnant. Right now we're at a stand still. I had an abnormal pap which seems to be a 'normal' thing for women. So we're going to take care of whatever caused the abnormal pap via a colposcopy. At this point whatever lays ahead for my husband and I, I really cant change. I can only try to grow, learn from it and find peace in whatever path truly
lay ahead for us both (in this department). I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm dreading any bad news. Part of me is terrified, the other part has hope because no answers are given yet :). I can say how I'd LIKE to react to any possible news but in truth I'm unsure how my heart would take it.
Once we get this out of the way it's on to clomid. A part of me is doing this jumping dance, but I don't want to put so much hope and faith in this drug. But that's step 2 and I can't jump there till I'm cleared of step 1.
I want to say thank you to all my readers. It helps to know that others are out there maybe taking comfort in my journey, connecting with it in one way, or in need of some kind of support.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Sometimes it hurts on the inside ...
You know I wish that what I said outloud would convince my heart to feel what I say. I wish that emotions were a thing that could easily be switched off in the blink of an eye. It's just so frustrating to time and time again tell yourself your ok only to be fooled by your emotions. Rather the feeling is betrayal and utter helplessness.
I'm a women who likes to control things. This is no secret to those who know me. I like life to be this huge planned event and I get testy if things don't go according to Plan A. So much so that I rarely have a plan B. So when it comes to certain things that are almost out of my control but I can try as hard as I can and still not get the outcome. I'm notably bothered by it.
One of the things I mastered as a child was to hide my feelings. Bottle it up nice and tight so that nothing would seep through. Then as I got older that bottle cap became more and more worn.
I sat here a while ago and confessed I was ok with the prospect of not getting pregnant. More like I was trying to trick my inner self conciounce to believe that very thing. Deep inside it's a yearning that's hard to subdue from time to time. Especially when people around you are getting pregnant left and right. I find that every time someone finds they are pregnant I feel this huge weight that I've been carrying return to it's full heavy weight. I am hit so hard every time. I litterally want it to stop. I don't like being emotionally unstable like that. Where I cant convince myself that it's ok. That my feelings take over and I'm in tears. It's a constant rinse and repeat of such agonizing pain. I'm not a dramatic person by any means, but I dont' know how many more of these 'announcements' I can handle.
Let me say and firmly state that it's not that I'm not happy for others. I AM COMPLETELY HAPPY for people. The thing that gets me in tears is how it reminds me of what I'm unable to do. It reminds me of this burden I carry, that I'm unable to produce a child for my husband and I. The kicker is that there's no guessing of who is the problem. I know it's me. IT just feels like I'm letting so many people down. To know for 2 1/2 years you've been unable to produce a son/daughter, grand baby, niece or nephew. To know that you are the one in the equation that is stalling it all is painful to relive.
YOu remember that bottle I mentioned before? That's how I'm able to be ok for long periods of time until someone lets me know of their exciting news. Again it's not because of them or what they're getting. It's because of the reminder. I'm tired of putting on a face, tired of keeping everything a secret. Truth is I need support and I don't know who to turn to without becoming a negative nancy record player. I know that I need to find support and soon. I can't carry this and I can't make my husband carry it along with me. I just need to find support. If you know what I mean. It pains me to know my husband is bracing himself every time.
Again I wish emotions were a thing you could switch off. It's overpowering and I'm lost as to how to handle them any more.
I'm a women who likes to control things. This is no secret to those who know me. I like life to be this huge planned event and I get testy if things don't go according to Plan A. So much so that I rarely have a plan B. So when it comes to certain things that are almost out of my control but I can try as hard as I can and still not get the outcome. I'm notably bothered by it.
One of the things I mastered as a child was to hide my feelings. Bottle it up nice and tight so that nothing would seep through. Then as I got older that bottle cap became more and more worn.
I sat here a while ago and confessed I was ok with the prospect of not getting pregnant. More like I was trying to trick my inner self conciounce to believe that very thing. Deep inside it's a yearning that's hard to subdue from time to time. Especially when people around you are getting pregnant left and right. I find that every time someone finds they are pregnant I feel this huge weight that I've been carrying return to it's full heavy weight. I am hit so hard every time. I litterally want it to stop. I don't like being emotionally unstable like that. Where I cant convince myself that it's ok. That my feelings take over and I'm in tears. It's a constant rinse and repeat of such agonizing pain. I'm not a dramatic person by any means, but I dont' know how many more of these 'announcements' I can handle.
Let me say and firmly state that it's not that I'm not happy for others. I AM COMPLETELY HAPPY for people. The thing that gets me in tears is how it reminds me of what I'm unable to do. It reminds me of this burden I carry, that I'm unable to produce a child for my husband and I. The kicker is that there's no guessing of who is the problem. I know it's me. IT just feels like I'm letting so many people down. To know for 2 1/2 years you've been unable to produce a son/daughter, grand baby, niece or nephew. To know that you are the one in the equation that is stalling it all is painful to relive.
YOu remember that bottle I mentioned before? That's how I'm able to be ok for long periods of time until someone lets me know of their exciting news. Again it's not because of them or what they're getting. It's because of the reminder. I'm tired of putting on a face, tired of keeping everything a secret. Truth is I need support and I don't know who to turn to without becoming a negative nancy record player. I know that I need to find support and soon. I can't carry this and I can't make my husband carry it along with me. I just need to find support. If you know what I mean. It pains me to know my husband is bracing himself every time.
Again I wish emotions were a thing you could switch off. It's overpowering and I'm lost as to how to handle them any more.
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