In the Blink of an eye...

The blog has almost transformed over the past 6 months into a TTC (trying to conceive) blog more then anything. So with that I kind of changed the name a bit to encompass this huge part of my life. What has been a huge part of both of our lives for almost 3 years now (Gosh it's a bit deflating to see that it's been that long). I have been searching out creative means for focus meanwhile I was always neglecting to acknowledge the one thing I was putting all my focus on, getting pregnant. Of course I couldn't find a way to focus on anything else.

TTC is a journey that will for many have many downs and some possible up's. For those who don't want children they perhaps don't fully grasp what it means to know you can't possibly have children or that 'goal is out of your reach. The best way I can equate it to is, it's like any life goal you've had for yourself. Naturally when you can't achieve those goals you are deflated but try harder or for some you give up. Thing is when it really sucks is when someone else determines whether or not you can achieve these goals. That to many is frustrating, deflating and at times a tough pill to swallow. That to me is what TTC is for my husband and I. Knowing that this really isn't in our control. I mean a bit of it is obviously but getting pregnant and staying pregnant, there's not much you can control there.

I write this today with a very heavy heart. I'd hope that my next blog post on here would be that of great news, and utter jubilation. Regretfully, it's with loss and confusion. 5 days ago I took a test at 10 days past my ovulation. To my surprise the pregnancy test came out positive. Hand clasped over my mouth I all but fell over while hyperventilating. "oh this can't be right." I reach for another test. Another faint positive. "OMG.. " tears flow down my face. "This isn't real, it can't be." I call a best friend, in tears saying "I think I'm staring at 2 positive pregnancy tests. A photo confirmation was had 2 minutes later." So I'm not seeing things, it is a positive and 2 at that.

I wipe my tears compose myself and go downstairs to where my husband is watching TV. Not knowing I was about to deliver the news we've been waiting for, for close to 3 years. I was feeling creative but I was also feeling a bit rushed to tell him. I grab my computer and the photo I took. I'm apart of an on-line forum so the context of the conversation was about a 'girl' on the forum who was looking for confirmation of her positive test.

"I said. "So Paul there's this girl on the forum who was asking if she had a positive pregnancy test. Here's the photo. What do you think? I think it may be a positive."

Him: "Yeah I see those two faint lines on the 2 tests. That means it's a positive right?"

Me: "Yes, it's my test."

*blank stare*

Him: "So you're pregnant?" (really confused face)

Then the light bulb goes off and he tackles me with a big hug and a few tears. "

Little did we know what was waiting for us 4 days later...

The following day I take a test and it comes back negative. I tell myself not to worry because it's still early on. The ladies who are apart of the forum also sent encouraging words. So I call my doctor and let her know. A blood test was scheduled for that night.

Day #3 I take a morning test. Another BFP... "oh yay." I was miss perky especially when I took another test at noon and came back with another faint positive. The doc calls and tells me my blood tests came back negative. But I let her know about the positive tests this am. To which she says we'll test again in 5 days and she thinks I am probably pregnant. "Oh yay!"

Day#4
The next day my insane testing habits persist. Another negative. Slowly I'm starting to feel deflated about this. But my husband and ladies on the forum keep my spirits up.

Day #5 Another negative. and I'm getting cramps. My husband is packing his bags to leave on a plane. As soon as he leaves I go to the washroom. Red spotting starts.... cramping gets worse. I try to think positive. "it's implantation bleeding." Hours later the blood flows and my period officially starts.

Alone and confused I fight back the tears and the huge knot in the back of my throat. I pace... I pace a lot. I go to the kitchen, back to the living room.. then back to the kitchen. I'm looking for something and I don't know what.. I am looking for a hug. Looking to be held onto so tightly that I can't think of anything else but the embrace. Instead the hug comes from an "I love you"from my husband over the phone. And the support of my TTC friends miles and miles away from me.

What happened? I had a chemical pregnancy. What happened is I had an early miscarriage. The term chemical pregnancy to me diminishes the loss. While it's true some women don't even know they're having a miscarriage that early, I'm sure many would be devastated to find out that their late or really heavy period was caused by a pregnancy.

I have been fighting with myself on just how appropriate it is to 'grieve' such an early loss. I have concluded it hurts all the same. I have a huge hole in my soul right now. While it does give me a glimmer of hope that we know I can at least get pregnant. It does leave me with a very very empty feeling. I feel angry and frustrated. I feel lost and very alone. I feel cheated and as if it was all a cruel cruel joke. I feel the weight of reality.


To some this is a small loss. To me it's a miscarriage and one I'll be mourning for a bit. This emotional roller-coaster we were on for 4 days ended in crushing news. With that I need time away from it for a few months. TTC (trying to conceive) is something my husband and I have really only known for almost 3 years. It's become a habit and it's taken away from our ability to kind of just live and enjoy ourselves. With that I've had to with tears in my eyes, say that we're going to stop till May to try again. In the mean time I'll focus on truly getting my body into pregnancy shape. The thought of being pregnant was a euphoric one, but when I looked at my body I didn't really like what I saw. I know I'm a beautiful women and I want to feel that way the next time we find out we're pregnant. I want to be as healthy as I possibly can. We've put SOOO much focus into getting pregnant it really has taken away from me just being able to focus on me and my health. Every month was prefaced with a "We might be pregnant so I don't want to push it. I don't want to cause a possible problem." All of that focus has not allowed me to focus on what I should have been the entire time, my health which would in turn hopefully mean a healthier less complicated pregnancy.

If there's any good that came out of this it's 1. We know conception is a possibility and 2. Time to focus on us for a little while.


As I finish writing this my heart is still heavy but my hopes are slowly being rebuilt.

If you've had a chemical pregnancy know you're not alone. Know you have just as much of a right to grieve. You were pregnant and now you aren't don't let anyone make you feel like you can't feel bad about that fact. Any kind of miscarriage know you're not alone... That you are loved and you have support! Message me any time.