Going 20 in a 55

Related to my recent post In the Blink of an eye...


Do you ever feel like you're standing still while the world passes you by? Like one of those movie clips where a person is walking and the world is literally speeding by them? For some reason that's how I feel now.

I feel like this TTC (trying to concieve) process has caused us to rush rush rush. Even though it's been 3years, I haven't had a chance to truly digest what this process has really meant to me. Ovulation comes you try, then your period comes and you have 2 weeks to prepare to try again. It all goes by so fast. I often marvel at the fact that it's really been this long for us thus far.

Little by little I'm picking up the pieces of my shattered heart. Surprisingly enough the healing process has been a bit better then I thought it would be. The first two days were dark.. very very dark for me. I'd sit there on the couch staring off into space, with no energy to even think. I was dead to the world, and almost myself. When I finally saw my husband yesterday I couldn't leave his embrace. I kept remembering how I was pacing how I was looking for this exact moment. I didn't want to let go, I just needed to be held.

The two days that I went through the miscarriage were as I said very hard on me. Especially since it was alone. Now looking back I think I needed to do it alone. I really think it let me focus on my grieving. It let me cry uncontrollably, it let me hyperventilate without my husband telling me to breath. The tears ultimately needed to be shed. As much as I wanted my husband there it allowed me time alone, to know that I can pick myself back up and that I can comfort myself in a time of need. Now mind you I had an amazing support group even my husband who was miles away, that helped me gather this freakish strength to carry on. GIves me the stregth to ensure that my husband is ok. I know how he's always been a pillar of stregth for me. But I also want him to know I'm here for him if he needs to grieve. He assures me he's ok, but I'll hug him extra tight all the same. I know bad days will come, I know there will be times where we'll cry. I expect that to happen. But today... today's a good day. Today is another step forward, another piece of glue that's dried and helped me and hopefully us regain our stability.

So while the world speeds by, today and hopefully many days to come. I'll remain still, I'll let life take it's course. I'll stop to smell the roses, to enjoy what life is beyond trying to have a child. We'll take it one SLOW and SMALL step at a time.