20 weeks - Halfway there.

Well there is a bit to catch up on.

First of all everything is still going well. We reached the 20 week mark, halfway and honestly I'm still in disbelief that we're here. I'll admit there were days (before my bump) that I just plum forgot that I was pregnant. I'm still waiting for someone to come and pinch me.

We also found out that we'll be welcoming a little girl. (hopefully, don't you love that I still preface the future with hope? hard habit to crack really). My husband and I did a little BBQ reveal with a bunch of family and friends. Paul knew at the BBQ and I didn't, it was a very special and surreal moment for us.



Her name will be Anastasia Ila Rose. Ila is my late grandmothers name and Rose is Pauls grandmothers name. I'll admit for the longest time I thought we were having a boy. But I did have numerous dreams about a little girl. One of these dreams in particular will always stick with me. For the longest time we knew we'd call her if it was a girl - Anastasia Rose. One night I had a dream where I called a little girl Anastasia Ila Rose. When I woke up I realized that the name just fit that it had a bit of my family in it as well. The final kicker I just recently found out is the name we chose for our daughter, the name I've had picked out since the movie in 1997. (Side note this movie was also instrumental in our wedding. As a song from the movie we had for our first dance. I promise I'm not obsessed with the movie, everything just fit.

So to the 'kicker' part, my best friend told me after I told her the gender and name that it was her fathers name. Remember that man I spoke about in my 3rd IUI post where I could feel him with us the very same cycle that we conceived Anastasia, our due date that coincides with the day he passed away? The very same man had the male version of our daughters name. I was stunned. We called him Tom but his real name was Anastasius (greek). I never ever put two and two together as I always thought Russian when I heard Anastasia's name (thanks to the movie). I don't think there could be any more coincidences in this conception. It's just solidified that he's with us and looking out for us. My best friend had chills when I told her all of these coincidences. She loved it.

Sorry that was a bit more drawn out than I anticipated.

Since finding out we're having a girl my excitement level has risen a bit. I'm still a tiny bit standoff-ish and I think I'm getting to the point of acceptance for how my emotions are being during this pregnancy. I don't think I'll ever fully buy in until she's in our arms. That realism I don't think I can ever fully let go of and I've come to accept that and know that it's ok. Whatever helps us get through these moments, it's ok. I have started making little items for her, more burp cloths, a pair of crocheted booties. The next projects on my list are a baby blanket and her going home outfit. 

I look back on this journey and I feel a bit of peace. I remember how we were just a year ago, going through our second miscarriage and feeling so hopeless, having to entertain the thought that we may be a child free home. Thinking of how our 'house' plans would change if it was just the two of us and our 2 pets. Sure I had to realize there were benefits to living a life child free but after some deep deep soul searching I realized it'd be far down on my list of things I wanted for our life. I knew during all of last year that if I could help it our life wouldn't be a biologically free child home. I realized just what I'd give up for the life changes that would come our way. With each loss that fight got stronger and stronger. It was a huge wake-up call for us both. I also remember the drive I had, every loss sucked so so much but with it came this unbelievable strength to keep pushing on to ask more questions seek the answers out. A cycle lost was another month we didn't achieve success. I think getting back on the horse attitude I had is what helped the most. I didn't give myself time to sit and think, I just knew what had to be and we had to keep trying. I'm at peace knowing that we've come out of this a stronger couple, a more sympathetic couple to others and their life struggles, stronger individuals, the amount of times we brushed our selves off and kept going lets me know that if we can pick ourselves up after that many tragedies, we could literally achieve anything. I resent what I went through in a way but I wouldn't change the person it's made me and the wife it's made me to my husband and my husband to me.

This journey made us realize just how much and how far we'd go for our family dreams. It left little to no room for questioning if this is where we wanted life. By the end of our 4th loss it was very clear. I keep those struggles in my mind each and every day.

In the end I wouldn't trade places with the old me, with the me last year. This is exactly where I want us to be. And hopefully in November our family wish comes true. 

I hope for everyone who reads this, that their family wish comes true. I know this journey is hard and it will test your limits, your sanity and your will power. Believe in your ability to pick yourself back up, it'll be hard but the effort, the work and even in sadness all of it is worth the fight for that little being. Blessings to all of you, know I'm here for you to talk to should you ever need an ear to vent to, a friend to confide in and a friend to kick you in the rear when you need it. The fight is hard and none of it will be easy, but it will be worth it. Promise... No matter what happens good or bad you will find a way to make it through one step and one day at a time.

Love, hugs and best wishes.

Hope - a powerful emotion

 A photo I took in the Dominican Republic just after our second loss. ©Barnhart Photography (If you'd like a copy of this photo please message me)

For me, the way that I've been able to keep going on even after the time we've been trying combined with our losses is I still have hope. Hope is such a powerful emotion. Sometimes it's stolen from us from cycle to cycle, but more often then not we find a way to get that hope back. Women who've been trying this long are soldiers and amazingly strong Always trying to find that little ray of light. Sure we're not always positive about this journey but the fact that at least once a cycle we're able to see that light and motivation is to me simply amazing. The strength to pick yourself up off of a very worn and cold floor is admirable. When I feel exceptionally low I search out inspirational quotes, I also let myself grieve our journey. Allowing myself to grieve enables to me to feel what I should feel instead of hiding it and letting those feelings linger, which I found would make me worse if I bottled it up. When I'm feeling great and motivated, I use those times to help pick someone else up or perhaps offer a bit of hope and help when they need it most.

Now some will think I'm calling myself admirable. No that's not the case. What I am saying is that the fact that women can go so long in a journey and still even after all that time find hope. I still am dumbfounded how I found the strength to continue after our loss. I thought for sure internally I was completely done. I think part of me is so stubborn and see's all this energy that we put into it that I just couldn't give up. Another big thing was Angela gave us hope, Angela let us know it wasn't the medication that failed us or even my body. It was an unfortunate turn of events where she had a genetic disorder that no matter what we did, it was an unfortunate and inevitable event that she would leave us sooner then later. That took such a huge weight off my soul. I no longer felt "it's my fault. " "my body failed me." "the medication protocol they had me on was all for nothing." it wasn't any of those . She restored more hope in me then I ever thought I could fee. I feel more optimistic about our medical plan then I have since our first loss. I know we can get pregnant and I know provided genetics are on our side that when we do that this protocol has been proven to help us sustain a pregnancy.

Our next part in our journey will be to see a Genetic Counselor as I think I already mentioned in a previous post. That will be Jan 14th. I'm hoping that all we hear from them is that this loss was a fluke and that we're not predisposed to have it happen again or another genetic disorder appear. So for now I'm focusing on that. I'm a tiny bit worried that we could have our dreams dashed by news such as genetic problems no matter what. That will crush me and probably put and end to our TTC journey and possibly in our journey to become a family larger then 2 and 2 pets. But hope keeps me positive that perhaps we'll be thrown a bone here and finally on the correct path to our take home baby. 


Plan of attack after the Genetic Counselor will be to hopefully start our second IUI. Which I'm really hoping is all we need to get pregnant again. I'm just hoping it takes one time, unrealistic expectations? Perhaps but a girl can remain hopeful ;)


Your thoughts and payrs as we go onto this next step is greatly appreciated as always < 3