A photo I took in the Dominican Republic just after our second loss. ©Barnhart Photography (If you'd like a copy of this photo please message me)
For me, the way that I've been able to keep going on even after the time we've been trying combined with our losses is I still have hope. Hope is such a powerful emotion. Sometimes it's stolen from us from cycle to cycle, but more often then not we find a way to get that hope back. Women who've been trying this long are soldiers and amazingly strong Always trying to find that little ray of light. Sure we're not always positive about this journey but the fact that at least once a cycle we're able to see that light and motivation is to me simply amazing. The strength to pick yourself up off of a very worn and cold floor is admirable. When I feel exceptionally low I search out inspirational quotes, I also let myself grieve our journey. Allowing myself to grieve enables to me to feel what I should feel instead of hiding it and letting those feelings linger, which I found would make me worse if I bottled it up. When I'm feeling great and motivated, I use those times to help pick someone else up or perhaps offer a bit of hope and help when they need it most.
Now some will think I'm calling myself admirable. No that's not the case. What I am saying is that the fact that women can go so long in a journey and still even after all that time find hope. I still am dumbfounded how I found the strength to continue after our loss. I thought for sure internally I was completely done. I think part of me is so stubborn and see's all this energy that we put into it that I just couldn't give up. Another big thing was Angela gave us hope, Angela let us know it wasn't the medication that failed us or even my body. It was an unfortunate turn of events where she had a genetic disorder that no matter what we did, it was an unfortunate and inevitable event that she would leave us sooner then later. That took such a huge weight off my soul. I no longer felt "it's my fault. " "my body failed me." "the medication protocol they had me on was all for nothing." it wasn't any of those . She restored more hope in me then I ever thought I could fee. I feel more optimistic about our medical plan then I have since our first loss. I know we can get pregnant and I know provided genetics are on our side that when we do that this protocol has been proven to help us sustain a pregnancy.
Our next part in our journey will be to see a Genetic Counselor as I think I already mentioned in a previous post. That will be Jan 14th. I'm hoping that all we hear from them is that this loss was a fluke and that we're not predisposed to have it happen again or another genetic disorder appear. So for now I'm focusing on that. I'm a tiny bit worried that we could have our dreams dashed by news such as genetic problems no matter what. That will crush me and probably put and end to our TTC journey and possibly in our journey to become a family larger then 2 and 2 pets. But hope keeps me positive that perhaps we'll be thrown a bone here and finally on the correct path to our take home baby.
Plan of attack after the Genetic Counselor will be to hopefully start our second IUI. Which I'm really hoping is all we need to get pregnant again. I'm just hoping it takes one time, unrealistic expectations? Perhaps but a girl can remain hopeful ;)
Your thoughts and payrs as we go onto this next step is greatly appreciated as always < 3
