Faces of Infertility and Loss - Rachele's Story and Letter

I'm so excited an honored to be sharing these letters with you. The first letter starts today! Today's letter is from Rachele who has become a very close friend of mine online. She was a guiding light through my struggles and just an overall amazing friend ans supporter. I'm honored to share her letter today. Please don't be shy and leave some encouraging words for the beautiful Rachele.

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Our Story:

My husband and I have been trying to conceive since August of 2010.  In January of 2012, after 18 months of trying to conceive, I was diagnosed with “Unexplained infertility”.  In August of 2012, we found out we have a perfect storm of infertility when my husband was diagnosed with infertility as well.  In February of 2014 I was diagnosed with PCOS, and we are currently seeing a new Reproductive Endocrinologist in hopes to move forward on our journey to conceiving.   http://infertilitylifelove.blogspot.com/

Dear Friend-

Thank you for being you.  Thank you for being there for me, even when you don’t know my pain first hand.  It’s impossible to know the pain of infertility when you haven’t experienced it—but you try.  You try to understand how hard it is for me.  You’re sympathetic. You have found the balance between asking too many questions yet still offering support and letting me vent.


So many people struggle with the etiquette surrounding infertility, but if you don’t know—you ask.  You ask me if I’m okay.  You ask me if it’s too hard for me to be around your daughter.  You ask me how I feel about different situations.  You give me the option of whether or not I can handle something.


You bring me down to earth.  You remind me that people don’t know this pain.  You remind me that many people get pregnant without any issues, and because of that, they may not appreciate the pregnancy like I would.  You remind me that they aren’t trying to minimize my feelings of not being able to get pregnant, but rather dealing with the current struggles in their life.   You remind me that people don’t know my struggle, therefore they can’t relate.


And lastly, you remind me that despite this struggle—I am lucky.  I am lucky to have an amazing support system.  I’m lucky that I have been brave enough to share my journey with family and friends. I'm lucky to have a great husband by my side through this.  And I’m lucky that I have a best friend who is willing to support me through a journey she struggles to understand.

Love Always,

Rachele

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If you'd like to share your own letter be it if you've suffered a loss, infertility or both please email me at amandanicole1828@gmail.com (titled - 'Faces of Infertility / Loss'  or  ' The face of an Infertility / Loss Supporter' . I'm also encouraging supporters of family and friends to write a letter to someone who is struggling with infertility or a loss. Sometimes it's so encouraging and nice to hear from those who make such a huge impact on our journey. Without your support it'd be near impossible to find the strength to keep fighting.

Please refer to the following post (Letters from the Faces of Infertility/Loss)  about these letters for further details.

Miscarriage: Feeling Ignored

This is a topic that recently came up in one of the forums I'm active in. The young lady expressed how she was very upset with a friend due to her lack of support after her miscarriage. She felt that her friends should reach out to her since she was the one grieving. She was hurt and distraught that her friend could make her feel so alone. It's something I've seen talked about a lot and I thought I'd add my own perspective. This is my answer to her post but I felt it would make a good blog post as well.

Please note these are just my own thoughts on this topic. I feel because I was the way I was I never fully understood being mad at friends for being so distant, since it's exactly what I needed at the time.





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You have to understand that for everyone miscarriages are handled differently. Even though I've gone through 4 myself I still wouldn't know how to handle another persons loss. Let me explain why. When someone miscarries each person grieves differently. Some want and need constant attention or at least knowing that people are thinking of them. Others want to remain numb for a while longer, don't want to see anyone and really want to seclude themselves from the world. With all my miscarriages I wanted time to myself. I really didn't want texts or people telling me that they were thinking of me. I wanted to stay numb. Every text I'd get would make me cry harder. My IL wanted to come over the day it happened to be there for me and I kindly asked them not to come over. I wanted to cry, shout and anything else I needed to do in the privacy of my own home. By myself and with my husband. For me it was a very private matter in terms of how we grieved and I like that it went uninterrupted. I really did want to be forgotten for a little bit, and my friends knew I'd come to them when I was ready.

So I disagree with your stance of expecting your friends to make the move. She told you to text her if you needed to talk, have you done that? If not then the ball is still in your court. You need to make it clear what you need right now. She sounds like she's trying; the card was a fail, but think about it this way. She sent it as a way to say I'm thinking of you in her own way. That honestly has to count for something. Maybe she just signed it because again she didn't know what to say.

My best friend and I had this very conversation not to long ago. She admitted she didn't know how to respond. She didn't know how to be supportive. She worried if she brought the losses up that it would make me sadder. She just overall didn't know how to approach it. She sent me a text when I told her it happened letting me know she was there for me. To me that makes it then my responsibility to say "hey I need you right now." Much like any loss people don't know if bringing up the subject will make the situation better or worse. This is why I'm a strong advocate for people speaking up for what they need and want. You can't entirely expect friends to know what kind of support you need right now and sometimes you have to reach out and let them know what kind of support you need.

I'm terribly sorry for your loss but I truly don't think I'd take it out on your friend. I really think when it comes to these topics people truly don't know how to conduct themselves, and rightly so when everyone again grieves oh so differently. Again as I said even though I've been through it 4 times, my first reaction would be to approach it how I wanted people to be with ours, but since I realize that everyone grieves differently I'd send my condolences then wait for the said person to kind of show me what they'd need in terms of support.

How will next time be different?

"How will next time be different?"

I had a friend ask me this question at a gathering. I have to admit it caught me off guard but it's something I have thought about in the past and discussed with Paul, and have discussed since getting pregnant.

TTC takes so much out of you the emotional turmoil and lets face it constant need to go go go, the feeling of rushing to get no where. The test and tolls it takes on your relationship with your spouse but also yourself, and those of faith often have that tested as well.

While my experience through this journey isn't going to be the same as the next person I was more than happy to offer my input on what I felt would be different / the same next time. This is with all my fingers toes and my head knocking on wood that this pregnancy gives us the one child we've wanted all our life.

Before talking about next time I want to go over what happened this time. You start temping every morning (reminder 1 of the obstacles you must face to conceive), opk's packages become a familiar friend to the back of your toilet self that you forget to put them away when friends come over, (aka you're using them on what seems like a daily basis sometimes), You hit the year mark "What's wrong with me.", you get pregnant and loose the baby "WHATS WRONG WITH ME!?", you are plagued with this darkness in your heart a jealousy for many pregnant women that doesn't go away, you feel guilty for reacting so physically when someone says they're pregnant, pity parties are about the only ones you come to 'celebrate, people just don't understand; infertility is isolating its a topic rarely spoken about and so many are made to suffer in silence a lot of the times because people just don't understand what it's like. IF brought on perhaps one of the deepest depressions I ever experienced.

For the first time in a long time I know what it's like to feel genuinely happy, i don't have to wake up finding ways to motivate myself to continue with another cycle of trying. I'm in a perpetural state of feeling blessed beyond my wildest dreams and feeling a deep hurt for the beautiful women I know who are still in the trenches , Mustering that strength becomes hard month after month. Don't ever forget ladies you are an inspiration, your strength and drive is seen. Realize how amazing you really are to many.

IF(infertility) made me into a warrior though, someone who no matter how many times I got knocked down I'd get right back up. Because lets face it for some of us the only way to get that take home baby is to get right back on the horse. After each loss I wondered "can i do this again, what happens if we loose another" When we did I some how was able to make it through the rain, not without another part of my heart missing but my husband and I made it through. The biggest thing that helped me was my support systems. My DH who went through the trenches with me, I at times feel like our unsung hero's of the IF world are our husbands. And the ladies who were standing beside me with their own heartaches yet holding my virtual hand all the while.
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Now with all of that in mind how will next time be?

Well we have the answers we need, we know how we can conceive and how we can try to prevent a miscarriage from happening.

How long will we try? Not long, a few Timed intercourse and IUI cycles then we'll pack it up and move on with life.

I can't nor will I ever allow the hell that took over mine and my husbands life to then take over when I have a child who needs my love and attention. Some may strongly disagree with much of what I'm about to say and that's ok but this is just my own personal view. I will on a multitude of levels feel guilty, when I said I just wanted ONE child I truly have always meant it. I will find ways if it turns out to be that way, to go on living with the family I have. I won't have the paralyzing fear of never being a mother, never experiencing what it is to experience all that is motherhood. It's like this exclusive club you feel very detached from, call it for some a right of passage for those who want to be mothers. (because lets face it not everyone wants to be a mother or a parent and that's ok). I just refuse to let my life get to that level again when I should and will be grateful for the family number we're blessed with.

As I said what will be different next time is I have the one thing my DH and I truly want. Will it be a bit heartbreaking if my child wants a sibling? Yes, but in truth they can (this is going to sound bad) learn to be happy with a bunch of friends and no other sibling. Siblings aren't always defined by the blood we share, I have a best friend I call sister and see her as such. I won't let my child essentially dictate how long we try.  
Will we put in a good effort? When have we been known to go half ass?  
Will we set my limits next time? Yes,  
Why? Because we feel it's the responsible thing for us to do. 

In truth my child will suffer more if we went through 4 years of this isolating journey again where I (in large) would be plagued with my own emotions and trying to love a child while dealing with the heartache Infertility brings. My child will suffer more if we don't set those limits more so than them being a single child. I can't be that selfish next time around, our life just won't allow it. Not to say I was selfish but in the sense that not having children this go around really allowed me and us to focus solely on this, the tests, the appointments everything. I will on days I feel blue remember that the child I hug goodnight was all we ever dreamed of, while others still struggle. It's a journey and an experience that will be seared into my heart.

So what will be different? A lot of stuff. And why that is different is because of us having the dream we always wanted. Asking for more if we are proven to not to have more down the road would be like biting the hand that fed us this miracle the first time. It'd be like telling my struggling infertile friends, one wasn't enough. Seems greedy for me to even entertain.

This little being...

I recently came upon a post that had something very moving that I wanted to share. I'm not sure or the original source but I think it's very beautiful.

"Trust that this life force came into your life to give you something, to open your heart a little wider. That this being had a purpose and fulfilled it and moved on. That this being came to clear the way in some way for the child that is meant to grow and stay."

I'm finally at a point where reading something like that doesn't cause me to ball my eyes out. Right after we lost Angela I was sent a few messages with quotes about angel babies. I have to say each one I just couldn't get through. Mind you it was still very raw at that time (like days) I loved what they sent but it hurt to read. Now going back it helps the healing process later on in the grieving stages.

The above quoted text just feels right, and brings me a huge amount of comfort for all of the angels we lost in 2012 < 3