This is a topic that recently came up in one of the forums I'm active in. The young lady expressed how she was very upset with a friend due to her lack of support after her miscarriage. She felt that her friends should reach out to her since she was the one grieving. She was hurt and distraught that her friend could make her feel so alone. It's something I've seen talked about a lot and I thought I'd add my own perspective. This is my answer to her post but I felt it would make a good blog post as well.
Please note these are just my own thoughts on this topic. I feel because I was the way I was I never fully understood being mad at friends for being so distant, since it's exactly what I needed at the time.
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You have to understand that for everyone
miscarriages are handled differently. Even though I've gone through 4
myself I still wouldn't know how to handle another persons loss. Let me
explain why. When someone miscarries each person grieves differently.
Some want and need constant attention or at least knowing that people
are thinking of them. Others want to remain numb for a while longer,
don't want to see anyone and really want to seclude themselves from the
world. With all my miscarriages I wanted time to myself. I really didn't
want texts or people telling me that they were thinking of me. I wanted
to stay numb. Every text I'd get would make me cry harder. My IL wanted
to come over the day it happened to be there for me and I kindly asked
them not to come over. I wanted to cry, shout and anything else I needed
to do in the privacy of my own home. By myself and with my husband. For
me it was a very private matter in terms of how we grieved and I like
that it went uninterrupted. I really did want to be forgotten for a
little bit, and my friends knew I'd come to them when I was ready.
So I disagree with your stance of expecting your friends to make the
move. She told you to text her if you needed to talk, have you done
that? If not then the ball is still in your court. You need to make it
clear what you need right now. She sounds like she's trying; the card
was a fail, but think about it this way. She sent it as a way to say I'm
thinking of you in her own way. That honestly has to count for
something. Maybe she just signed it because again she didn't know what
to say.
My best friend and I had this very conversation not to long ago. She
admitted she didn't know how to respond. She didn't know how to be
supportive. She worried if she brought the losses up that it would make
me sadder. She just overall didn't know how to approach it. She sent me a
text when I told her it happened letting me know she was there for me.
To me that makes it then my responsibility to say "hey I need you right
now." Much like any loss people don't know if bringing up the subject
will make the situation better or worse. This is why I'm a strong
advocate for people speaking up for what they need and want. You can't
entirely expect friends to know what kind of support you need right now
and sometimes you have to reach out and let them know what kind of
support you need.
I'm terribly sorry for your loss but I truly don't think I'd take it out
on your friend. I really think when it comes to these topics people
truly don't know how to conduct themselves, and rightly so when everyone
again grieves oh so differently. Again as I said even though I've been
through it 4 times, my first reaction would be to approach it how I
wanted people to be with ours, but since I realize that everyone grieves
differently I'd send my condolences then wait for the said person to
kind of show me what they'd need in terms of support.
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