How will next time be different?

"How will next time be different?"

I had a friend ask me this question at a gathering. I have to admit it caught me off guard but it's something I have thought about in the past and discussed with Paul, and have discussed since getting pregnant.

TTC takes so much out of you the emotional turmoil and lets face it constant need to go go go, the feeling of rushing to get no where. The test and tolls it takes on your relationship with your spouse but also yourself, and those of faith often have that tested as well.

While my experience through this journey isn't going to be the same as the next person I was more than happy to offer my input on what I felt would be different / the same next time. This is with all my fingers toes and my head knocking on wood that this pregnancy gives us the one child we've wanted all our life.

Before talking about next time I want to go over what happened this time. You start temping every morning (reminder 1 of the obstacles you must face to conceive), opk's packages become a familiar friend to the back of your toilet self that you forget to put them away when friends come over, (aka you're using them on what seems like a daily basis sometimes), You hit the year mark "What's wrong with me.", you get pregnant and loose the baby "WHATS WRONG WITH ME!?", you are plagued with this darkness in your heart a jealousy for many pregnant women that doesn't go away, you feel guilty for reacting so physically when someone says they're pregnant, pity parties are about the only ones you come to 'celebrate, people just don't understand; infertility is isolating its a topic rarely spoken about and so many are made to suffer in silence a lot of the times because people just don't understand what it's like. IF brought on perhaps one of the deepest depressions I ever experienced.

For the first time in a long time I know what it's like to feel genuinely happy, i don't have to wake up finding ways to motivate myself to continue with another cycle of trying. I'm in a perpetural state of feeling blessed beyond my wildest dreams and feeling a deep hurt for the beautiful women I know who are still in the trenches , Mustering that strength becomes hard month after month. Don't ever forget ladies you are an inspiration, your strength and drive is seen. Realize how amazing you really are to many.

IF(infertility) made me into a warrior though, someone who no matter how many times I got knocked down I'd get right back up. Because lets face it for some of us the only way to get that take home baby is to get right back on the horse. After each loss I wondered "can i do this again, what happens if we loose another" When we did I some how was able to make it through the rain, not without another part of my heart missing but my husband and I made it through. The biggest thing that helped me was my support systems. My DH who went through the trenches with me, I at times feel like our unsung hero's of the IF world are our husbands. And the ladies who were standing beside me with their own heartaches yet holding my virtual hand all the while.
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Now with all of that in mind how will next time be?

Well we have the answers we need, we know how we can conceive and how we can try to prevent a miscarriage from happening.

How long will we try? Not long, a few Timed intercourse and IUI cycles then we'll pack it up and move on with life.

I can't nor will I ever allow the hell that took over mine and my husbands life to then take over when I have a child who needs my love and attention. Some may strongly disagree with much of what I'm about to say and that's ok but this is just my own personal view. I will on a multitude of levels feel guilty, when I said I just wanted ONE child I truly have always meant it. I will find ways if it turns out to be that way, to go on living with the family I have. I won't have the paralyzing fear of never being a mother, never experiencing what it is to experience all that is motherhood. It's like this exclusive club you feel very detached from, call it for some a right of passage for those who want to be mothers. (because lets face it not everyone wants to be a mother or a parent and that's ok). I just refuse to let my life get to that level again when I should and will be grateful for the family number we're blessed with.

As I said what will be different next time is I have the one thing my DH and I truly want. Will it be a bit heartbreaking if my child wants a sibling? Yes, but in truth they can (this is going to sound bad) learn to be happy with a bunch of friends and no other sibling. Siblings aren't always defined by the blood we share, I have a best friend I call sister and see her as such. I won't let my child essentially dictate how long we try.  
Will we put in a good effort? When have we been known to go half ass?  
Will we set my limits next time? Yes,  
Why? Because we feel it's the responsible thing for us to do. 

In truth my child will suffer more if we went through 4 years of this isolating journey again where I (in large) would be plagued with my own emotions and trying to love a child while dealing with the heartache Infertility brings. My child will suffer more if we don't set those limits more so than them being a single child. I can't be that selfish next time around, our life just won't allow it. Not to say I was selfish but in the sense that not having children this go around really allowed me and us to focus solely on this, the tests, the appointments everything. I will on days I feel blue remember that the child I hug goodnight was all we ever dreamed of, while others still struggle. It's a journey and an experience that will be seared into my heart.

So what will be different? A lot of stuff. And why that is different is because of us having the dream we always wanted. Asking for more if we are proven to not to have more down the road would be like biting the hand that fed us this miracle the first time. It'd be like telling my struggling infertile friends, one wasn't enough. Seems greedy for me to even entertain.