With every step I take I'm slowly finding who I am. Both in my photography career and overall life.
Unemployment has been such a growing experience. I'm not one of those individuals to sit back and be lazy. I found myself finding ways to not only occupy my time but become productive force in our family. The satisfaction from seeing the fruits of your labor is simply put rewarding. Although I know some of my time could have been better spent researching a bit more, I'm none the less proud of myself.
Through this time I've come to the realization that being 'unfocused' allowed me to expand my horizons. Being unfocused I realized was a byproduct of not being satisfied. My satisfaction now comes with knowing how creative I truly am. It may seem egotistical to some but it's something I'm proud of but only came through lots of work.
I feel that life could always always be worse and the fact that I have the means to do all these creative projects is a blessing on it's own. Many do not have such opportunities.
So my focus now? To continue to grow in whatever way strikes my fancy in that moment. :)Accept that the erratic thought process and the growing projects are a part of who I am. It's what makes me me. :D
Baby process:
I'm sure some of you are in question as far as how it's going with getting pregnant. Right now we're at a stand still. I had an abnormal pap which seems to be a 'normal' thing for women. So we're going to take care of whatever caused the abnormal pap via a colposcopy. At this point whatever lays ahead for my husband and I, I really cant change. I can only try to grow, learn from it and find peace in whatever path truly
lay ahead for us both (in this department). I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm dreading any bad news. Part of me is terrified, the other part has hope because no answers are given yet :). I can say how I'd LIKE to react to any possible news but in truth I'm unsure how my heart would take it.
Once we get this out of the way it's on to clomid. A part of me is doing this jumping dance, but I don't want to put so much hope and faith in this drug. But that's step 2 and I can't jump there till I'm cleared of step 1.
I want to say thank you to all my readers. It helps to know that others are out there maybe taking comfort in my journey, connecting with it in one way, or in need of some kind of support.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
Sometimes it hurts on the inside ...
You know I wish that what I said outloud would convince my heart to feel what I say. I wish that emotions were a thing that could easily be switched off in the blink of an eye. It's just so frustrating to time and time again tell yourself your ok only to be fooled by your emotions. Rather the feeling is betrayal and utter helplessness.
I'm a women who likes to control things. This is no secret to those who know me. I like life to be this huge planned event and I get testy if things don't go according to Plan A. So much so that I rarely have a plan B. So when it comes to certain things that are almost out of my control but I can try as hard as I can and still not get the outcome. I'm notably bothered by it.
One of the things I mastered as a child was to hide my feelings. Bottle it up nice and tight so that nothing would seep through. Then as I got older that bottle cap became more and more worn.
I sat here a while ago and confessed I was ok with the prospect of not getting pregnant. More like I was trying to trick my inner self conciounce to believe that very thing. Deep inside it's a yearning that's hard to subdue from time to time. Especially when people around you are getting pregnant left and right. I find that every time someone finds they are pregnant I feel this huge weight that I've been carrying return to it's full heavy weight. I am hit so hard every time. I litterally want it to stop. I don't like being emotionally unstable like that. Where I cant convince myself that it's ok. That my feelings take over and I'm in tears. It's a constant rinse and repeat of such agonizing pain. I'm not a dramatic person by any means, but I dont' know how many more of these 'announcements' I can handle.
Let me say and firmly state that it's not that I'm not happy for others. I AM COMPLETELY HAPPY for people. The thing that gets me in tears is how it reminds me of what I'm unable to do. It reminds me of this burden I carry, that I'm unable to produce a child for my husband and I. The kicker is that there's no guessing of who is the problem. I know it's me. IT just feels like I'm letting so many people down. To know for 2 1/2 years you've been unable to produce a son/daughter, grand baby, niece or nephew. To know that you are the one in the equation that is stalling it all is painful to relive.
YOu remember that bottle I mentioned before? That's how I'm able to be ok for long periods of time until someone lets me know of their exciting news. Again it's not because of them or what they're getting. It's because of the reminder. I'm tired of putting on a face, tired of keeping everything a secret. Truth is I need support and I don't know who to turn to without becoming a negative nancy record player. I know that I need to find support and soon. I can't carry this and I can't make my husband carry it along with me. I just need to find support. If you know what I mean. It pains me to know my husband is bracing himself every time.
Again I wish emotions were a thing you could switch off. It's overpowering and I'm lost as to how to handle them any more.
I'm a women who likes to control things. This is no secret to those who know me. I like life to be this huge planned event and I get testy if things don't go according to Plan A. So much so that I rarely have a plan B. So when it comes to certain things that are almost out of my control but I can try as hard as I can and still not get the outcome. I'm notably bothered by it.
One of the things I mastered as a child was to hide my feelings. Bottle it up nice and tight so that nothing would seep through. Then as I got older that bottle cap became more and more worn.
I sat here a while ago and confessed I was ok with the prospect of not getting pregnant. More like I was trying to trick my inner self conciounce to believe that very thing. Deep inside it's a yearning that's hard to subdue from time to time. Especially when people around you are getting pregnant left and right. I find that every time someone finds they are pregnant I feel this huge weight that I've been carrying return to it's full heavy weight. I am hit so hard every time. I litterally want it to stop. I don't like being emotionally unstable like that. Where I cant convince myself that it's ok. That my feelings take over and I'm in tears. It's a constant rinse and repeat of such agonizing pain. I'm not a dramatic person by any means, but I dont' know how many more of these 'announcements' I can handle.
Let me say and firmly state that it's not that I'm not happy for others. I AM COMPLETELY HAPPY for people. The thing that gets me in tears is how it reminds me of what I'm unable to do. It reminds me of this burden I carry, that I'm unable to produce a child for my husband and I. The kicker is that there's no guessing of who is the problem. I know it's me. IT just feels like I'm letting so many people down. To know for 2 1/2 years you've been unable to produce a son/daughter, grand baby, niece or nephew. To know that you are the one in the equation that is stalling it all is painful to relive.
YOu remember that bottle I mentioned before? That's how I'm able to be ok for long periods of time until someone lets me know of their exciting news. Again it's not because of them or what they're getting. It's because of the reminder. I'm tired of putting on a face, tired of keeping everything a secret. Truth is I need support and I don't know who to turn to without becoming a negative nancy record player. I know that I need to find support and soon. I can't carry this and I can't make my husband carry it along with me. I just need to find support. If you know what I mean. It pains me to know my husband is bracing himself every time.
Again I wish emotions were a thing you could switch off. It's overpowering and I'm lost as to how to handle them any more.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Cross Roads: The excitment and caution in the Unknown
I've found many of my life cross roads to begin new chapters in my life. This time is no different. I'm bombarded with more then one cross roads but that each deeply impact the other.
The main one is jobs. 1. Do I continue the job search or 2. Do I go back to school and get my masters? a. If I go back what do I get my masters in? i. Do I continue with Computer Science or do ii. I pursue a business specialty (marketing) (HR) (Accounting).
Then another big one is. I've been looking for jobs locally with no luck. Where we're located there are slim pickings. It's very rural so bigger companies are hard to come by. With this my husband and I must start evaluating if it's time to 'leave' and find a bigger city which will accommodate my husbands career and my own.
My third cross roads is do I even bother looking for jobs or do I just focus on my 2 businesses I've built over 3 years? Both of which are doing well. But as my dad says sometimes it's nice to have that as 'extra' income. Which I agree with.
In summation our goal is to have life get settled for us, a house, kids etc. Find some kind of common ground and a place we can call home. Right now it's hard to come by and frankly the ground we walk on is rather uneasy. At least more 'uneasy' then I'm comfortable with. Inside I know the best way to get our goals is to move and get a job in another state. The unknowns with that is unsettling as well. We moved out to Calgary on a whim and look where it got us. Back east having to live with parents while we got our feed back on the ground. That was a tough part in our life, an adventure but tough none the less. A part of me is scared of that possibly happening again. We're 25 and 27 somethings gotta give and just say "Ok you guys this is where you're supposed to be."
The cross roads are drawing near. Unfortunately we're stuck on which way to go. Consider this my brainstorming/vent post.
The main one is jobs. 1. Do I continue the job search or 2. Do I go back to school and get my masters? a. If I go back what do I get my masters in? i. Do I continue with Computer Science or do ii. I pursue a business specialty (marketing) (HR) (Accounting).
Then another big one is. I've been looking for jobs locally with no luck. Where we're located there are slim pickings. It's very rural so bigger companies are hard to come by. With this my husband and I must start evaluating if it's time to 'leave' and find a bigger city which will accommodate my husbands career and my own.
My third cross roads is do I even bother looking for jobs or do I just focus on my 2 businesses I've built over 3 years? Both of which are doing well. But as my dad says sometimes it's nice to have that as 'extra' income. Which I agree with.
In summation our goal is to have life get settled for us, a house, kids etc. Find some kind of common ground and a place we can call home. Right now it's hard to come by and frankly the ground we walk on is rather uneasy. At least more 'uneasy' then I'm comfortable with. Inside I know the best way to get our goals is to move and get a job in another state. The unknowns with that is unsettling as well. We moved out to Calgary on a whim and look where it got us. Back east having to live with parents while we got our feed back on the ground. That was a tough part in our life, an adventure but tough none the less. A part of me is scared of that possibly happening again. We're 25 and 27 somethings gotta give and just say "Ok you guys this is where you're supposed to be."
The cross roads are drawing near. Unfortunately we're stuck on which way to go. Consider this my brainstorming/vent post.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Inspiration, a quest for the hungry mind.
Over the past 6 months I have been searching for some kind of inspiration. The inspiration to just get creative again, and feed those creative desires. While I know many would say. "Well then Create!" If it were that easy trust me I would.
My search for inspiration made me truly evaluate the meaning of inspiration for each person. For a creative mind it made me wonder of the multitude of mediums and styles a person could choose from.
My search for inspiration seems to be driven by the need to find the jewels less viewed. There's something to be said when you find a true gem that has yet to be fully discovered. It's like delicately opening a rose petal by petal. Soaking in each petals unique design and texture.
I have found some of these jewels I speak of and the effect it has on ones drive is mind boggling. TO understand what it's like to play a part in giving or receiving inspiration, is in my mind such a beautiful thing.
I know without a doubt Photography is my #1 creative passion. Sometimes it doesn't feed the hungry monster though. At times graphic design sates it or even my quilting.
My husband will make fun of me because at times I could have 10 projects going on at once none of which pertain to the other. One will be with my camera another with my jewelry making kit, back to my computer to write a verse or two, to photoshop to draw.
I have found to be the most sated when I am able to finally finish one of those 10 projects and fan my peacock feathers in delight.
There's something to be felt about a beautiful work of art.
To all those artists who have inspired me over the years thank you.
My search for inspiration made me truly evaluate the meaning of inspiration for each person. For a creative mind it made me wonder of the multitude of mediums and styles a person could choose from.
My search for inspiration seems to be driven by the need to find the jewels less viewed. There's something to be said when you find a true gem that has yet to be fully discovered. It's like delicately opening a rose petal by petal. Soaking in each petals unique design and texture.
I have found some of these jewels I speak of and the effect it has on ones drive is mind boggling. TO understand what it's like to play a part in giving or receiving inspiration, is in my mind such a beautiful thing.
I know without a doubt Photography is my #1 creative passion. Sometimes it doesn't feed the hungry monster though. At times graphic design sates it or even my quilting.
My husband will make fun of me because at times I could have 10 projects going on at once none of which pertain to the other. One will be with my camera another with my jewelry making kit, back to my computer to write a verse or two, to photoshop to draw.
I have found to be the most sated when I am able to finally finish one of those 10 projects and fan my peacock feathers in delight.
There's something to be felt about a beautiful work of art.
To all those artists who have inspired me over the years thank you.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
You're not a victim
Today I read this from one of the forums I participate in. I feel it really rings true with things I've been speaking about. I have at times felt like a victim to things when in reality I shouldn't. These few paragraphs really opened my eyes.
(please note victim is used in a way where it's saying constant complainers or those who put themselves in one bad situation after another. THis does not apply to extreme cases (rape, etc)
Remember, you are not a victim. You are an adult, and you are in charge of your own life. You are doing what you have freely chosen to do. Setbacks come with the territory. They are merely speed bumps on the road to success.
Refuse to blame others or make excuses. When you compain or blame other people, it just makes you feel and sound petty and small, and, what's worse, it takes away your personal power. Whenever you criticize or complain, it mkaes you feel weaker and reduces your ability to deal effectively with the situation.
Look for the reasons why you are responsible for what happened rather than trying to pass off the blame onto other people. No excuses.
Resolve to focus on the solution and what can be done now, rather than on what happened and who's to blame. Think in terms of the actions you can take to resolve the situation rather than what went wrong and who is to blame.
- From "NO EXCUSES!" by Brian Tracy
(please note victim is used in a way where it's saying constant complainers or those who put themselves in one bad situation after another. THis does not apply to extreme cases (rape, etc)
Remember, you are not a victim. You are an adult, and you are in charge of your own life. You are doing what you have freely chosen to do. Setbacks come with the territory. They are merely speed bumps on the road to success.
Refuse to blame others or make excuses. When you compain or blame other people, it just makes you feel and sound petty and small, and, what's worse, it takes away your personal power. Whenever you criticize or complain, it mkaes you feel weaker and reduces your ability to deal effectively with the situation.
Look for the reasons why you are responsible for what happened rather than trying to pass off the blame onto other people. No excuses.
Resolve to focus on the solution and what can be done now, rather than on what happened and who's to blame. Think in terms of the actions you can take to resolve the situation rather than what went wrong and who is to blame.
- From "NO EXCUSES!" by Brian Tracy
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Make the best of every moment
This is so very true especially right now. My grandfather had 2 strokes in the past month. I've been battling with myself internally for a while now just over come with emotions from everything that December has thrown at us.
We came home earlier to see my grandfather in the hospital. Nothing hurt more then to see your grandfather sitting there with this blank stare.
His stroke caused a lot of cognitive damage. He was decent when we first saw him. At a glance it would seem all was the same. Then you started to pick up on little things. How he'd not know words, how upset he'd get. If you were talking to someone else he'd perk up like you were speaking to him. The therapist said he can fool all of us into thinking he knows what's going on, when really he doesn't.
My grandfather has always been a conversation starter. When we sat there I was stuck I didn't know what to say. In my head I didn't know if mentioning anything from the past would be forgotten, or if I mentioned the present I didn't know if he'd even realize who I was.
Our family was extremely blessed to have him home for christmas. He reminded me of a lost puppy. His hand clasped to my grandmothers at all times.
His comfort was in her and her alone. It was sweet yet so sad to watch. His blank stare seemed worse at christmas but at least he was there.
Today we heard that he is getting worse each day. Before at least he'd remember daily on goings. Today he forgot my brother visited only 3 hours prior. Then come to find he hadn't noticed my grandmother coming to visit (3 times a day) he actually though he was visited by a man. ( My brother asked him if he'd seen my grandmother when he went to visit him.)
I've never had to go through this with a grandparent as I was to young to understand when my grandmother passed away more then 18 years ago. It's tough to think/ know that the man you once knew will probably never come back. Again at least he's still with us. I will never say that is a bad thing. But it sucks to see a 'shell' of the man you once knew. To see him so helpless and know you are a bystander who can't do anything in anyway to help him get better.
This christmas really showed me the value in the word family. I always knew it but this Christmas I FELT it. It was a comfort blanket that set my heart at ease. This is one Christmas I will truly never forget.
I hope you were all blessed to spend the Holidays with those you loved. Remember that each day is a gift. Tomorrow is never promised. So tell those you love that you love them each chance that you get. They deserve to know they are loved and you deserve to give that love and know what it feels like.
We came home earlier to see my grandfather in the hospital. Nothing hurt more then to see your grandfather sitting there with this blank stare.
His stroke caused a lot of cognitive damage. He was decent when we first saw him. At a glance it would seem all was the same. Then you started to pick up on little things. How he'd not know words, how upset he'd get. If you were talking to someone else he'd perk up like you were speaking to him. The therapist said he can fool all of us into thinking he knows what's going on, when really he doesn't.
My grandfather has always been a conversation starter. When we sat there I was stuck I didn't know what to say. In my head I didn't know if mentioning anything from the past would be forgotten, or if I mentioned the present I didn't know if he'd even realize who I was.
Our family was extremely blessed to have him home for christmas. He reminded me of a lost puppy. His hand clasped to my grandmothers at all times.
His comfort was in her and her alone. It was sweet yet so sad to watch. His blank stare seemed worse at christmas but at least he was there.
Today we heard that he is getting worse each day. Before at least he'd remember daily on goings. Today he forgot my brother visited only 3 hours prior. Then come to find he hadn't noticed my grandmother coming to visit (3 times a day) he actually though he was visited by a man. ( My brother asked him if he'd seen my grandmother when he went to visit him.)
I've never had to go through this with a grandparent as I was to young to understand when my grandmother passed away more then 18 years ago. It's tough to think/ know that the man you once knew will probably never come back. Again at least he's still with us. I will never say that is a bad thing. But it sucks to see a 'shell' of the man you once knew. To see him so helpless and know you are a bystander who can't do anything in anyway to help him get better.
This christmas really showed me the value in the word family. I always knew it but this Christmas I FELT it. It was a comfort blanket that set my heart at ease. This is one Christmas I will truly never forget.
I hope you were all blessed to spend the Holidays with those you loved. Remember that each day is a gift. Tomorrow is never promised. So tell those you love that you love them each chance that you get. They deserve to know they are loved and you deserve to give that love and know what it feels like.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Sometimes we need to be our own worst critics.
First and foremost MERRY CHRISTMAS!
So it begins
Sometimes we get so wrapped up in me me me and what we want that it really starts to consume our life and our emotions. Well at least for me it did.
We'd all like life to go as planned, and happen on the DAY we want it to. When we don't we get upset or aggravated when really we shouldn't. I used to be so great with being grateful for what I do have instead of what I don't.
I'm ashamed to say I've really let go of that mentality. This baby journey has made me extremely sour towards the topic. Especially when you see those close to you get the one thing you wanted most. Coming to the realization that it's poisoned your ability to be happy for others is perhaps what stung the most.
If I'm brutally honest with others, I should be no exception to that right?
Well my 2 closest friends are now pregnant within 2 weeks of each other. The first one I responded with joy and utter excitement. After the second told me I responded with joy and excitement then after the phone hung up I broke down. I'm not talking about shedding a few tears I'm talking about a good hour cry. Why did it upset me so much? I felt guilty but I think it was very important to realize what exactly the tears were for. Those tears weren't out of sadness because someone else got pregnant. It was out of frustration that I couldn't give my husband the one thing we've been working at. I was reminded of how less of a women I felt because of this. It was a mixture of feelings but deep down inside a tiny bit was out of jealousy and I'm utterly ashamed of that fact.
I've had to do a ton of self evaluation and really realize how much this was consuming my life and my ability to be overall happy. I don't want this to consume my life or take away from me actually being able to just live. I'm in a way glad that I've finally come to this realization. It's already started to have a positive effect on life over all.
My new years resolution is to find the positive in any situation. Be grateful for what life gives you and don't dwell on what you don't have.
Health progress...
What is that? ;) I'm getting back to weight watchers after the new years. Once the visa process gets done I'll be getting a year membership to a gym and really get cracking on it. Till then I don't think it's realistic to really think I'll loose any weight till then. I am going to concentrate better on what I'm eating. But it's the holidays and I'm enjoying it :D
In other news
My pain from my cyst went away for the first few months after the surgery. The pain came back this month and my family doctor thinks it may be another one forming. We spoke about the surgery and she said the surgeon said they removed a 8cm cyst instead of the 5cm we thought I had. I am counting my blessings as I could have had to have my ovary removed. So now we're going to stay on top of this one and if the pain persists I'll get another ultrasound done in February. Other than that everything is good.
Christmas was simply amazing. Getting to spend it with family is a blessing on it's own. I was spoiled and and am very grateful for all the cards we received from family and friends this year. I have to get on some thank you cards to those we didn't send cards to this year. It was great to see my nephews both dressed up in their christmas attire. So very adorable :) Children always manage to make the holidays a bit more magical. It was the perk up our family needed. :D
I hope everyone had a very cheerful and Merry Christmas. For those who don't celebrate I hope you had a wonderful day none the less :D
So it begins
Sometimes we get so wrapped up in me me me and what we want that it really starts to consume our life and our emotions. Well at least for me it did.
We'd all like life to go as planned, and happen on the DAY we want it to. When we don't we get upset or aggravated when really we shouldn't. I used to be so great with being grateful for what I do have instead of what I don't.
I'm ashamed to say I've really let go of that mentality. This baby journey has made me extremely sour towards the topic. Especially when you see those close to you get the one thing you wanted most. Coming to the realization that it's poisoned your ability to be happy for others is perhaps what stung the most.
If I'm brutally honest with others, I should be no exception to that right?
Well my 2 closest friends are now pregnant within 2 weeks of each other. The first one I responded with joy and utter excitement. After the second told me I responded with joy and excitement then after the phone hung up I broke down. I'm not talking about shedding a few tears I'm talking about a good hour cry. Why did it upset me so much? I felt guilty but I think it was very important to realize what exactly the tears were for. Those tears weren't out of sadness because someone else got pregnant. It was out of frustration that I couldn't give my husband the one thing we've been working at. I was reminded of how less of a women I felt because of this. It was a mixture of feelings but deep down inside a tiny bit was out of jealousy and I'm utterly ashamed of that fact.
I've had to do a ton of self evaluation and really realize how much this was consuming my life and my ability to be overall happy. I don't want this to consume my life or take away from me actually being able to just live. I'm in a way glad that I've finally come to this realization. It's already started to have a positive effect on life over all.
My new years resolution is to find the positive in any situation. Be grateful for what life gives you and don't dwell on what you don't have.
Health progress...
What is that? ;) I'm getting back to weight watchers after the new years. Once the visa process gets done I'll be getting a year membership to a gym and really get cracking on it. Till then I don't think it's realistic to really think I'll loose any weight till then. I am going to concentrate better on what I'm eating. But it's the holidays and I'm enjoying it :D
In other news
My pain from my cyst went away for the first few months after the surgery. The pain came back this month and my family doctor thinks it may be another one forming. We spoke about the surgery and she said the surgeon said they removed a 8cm cyst instead of the 5cm we thought I had. I am counting my blessings as I could have had to have my ovary removed. So now we're going to stay on top of this one and if the pain persists I'll get another ultrasound done in February. Other than that everything is good.
Christmas was simply amazing. Getting to spend it with family is a blessing on it's own. I was spoiled and and am very grateful for all the cards we received from family and friends this year. I have to get on some thank you cards to those we didn't send cards to this year. It was great to see my nephews both dressed up in their christmas attire. So very adorable :) Children always manage to make the holidays a bit more magical. It was the perk up our family needed. :D
I hope everyone had a very cheerful and Merry Christmas. For those who don't celebrate I hope you had a wonderful day none the less :D
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)