31 weeks progress photo

During the pregnancy my DH has been taking photos of me. Many of my support groups have seen them up to 20 weeks. But I just got lazy and haven't been able to Photoshop some words etc into the other ones we've done since then. But I feel like it's been a good 15 weeks since my blog was updated with a bump photo. Here's the not so official 31 week photo. I have the official one on my camera lol.

But this should do for now. Hopefully on my next post I'll have the compilation from 20 weeks to 31 weeks. There are a few missing weeks but at least there's some :)

Nothing new to really report. As of late I've been getting cramps (OB said it was likely just small contractions) and a ton of pressure in my pelvic region. I now understand why many women waddle in their third trimester. I'm a little sore and certain activities are becoming harder to do but I'm honestly surprised I made it this far along without having any real soreness. So I count myself as one lucky lady. 9 weeks left!! Give or take.

Yes, I'm one of those women

For as long as I can remember I have always had a huge affinity for Christmas. It wasn't the gift getting but more the sense of excitement and happiness that would fill my heart. I love giving gifts on Christmas. Things that I'm able to customize, my signature move is giving gifts that can't be bought in a store and if they are they have a personal touch that makes it one of a kind.

Now why am I talking about Christmas when it's September? Because I can't wait for it to come! Yes I've already started to listen to a few Christmas songs here and there. The way the songs make me feel it's just euphoric and energizes me. Just makes me a chipper cheerful person. Gasp! My personal favorite is Josh Groban, that man makes my heart melt when he sings.

Last year Christmas marked an ending to one heck of a dismal year. Loss of my grandfather in October, then the loss of our 4 children. It was overall a lot to take in for the year. The one thing besides my obviously wonderful husband and support system was the magic Christmas puts in my heart. Sure I cried a bit more especially at certain Christmas songs but it always seems to lift me up when I need it the most.

I'm that women in the office who decorates her cubical to the nines, equipped with a 8 foot wide fire place a little 4 foot tree (with a Canadian joker hat ;) Have to represent my home country). Garland and a little fake red plant. Slowly as I've been working here others have gotten into the spirit and it's really warming to see how others get into it. :) This year I won't be able to do it but I have someone in training ;)

I just had to share my joy for Christmas. While it may be far off and while this may be received with eye rolls and grumbles, I ask you, what's wrong with a little cheer and magic before the day even gets here?

Not to mention Christmas means our daughter will be with us. Our Christmas miracle we've been wishing for, for 4 years. "I'll be home for christmas" will have a special place in my heart . *Big tear* words can't describe how that feels, how hard it was to get to this point and how grateful we are. Christmas will always be magical for me now there's a whole new dimension of sharing that with your child hoping they find the same excitement and cheer of the holidays.

I will light a candle on that day for all the moms out there with children in their arms and children in their hearts. I will make my sole Christmas wish that you are blessed beyond your wildest dreams. (I just teared up writing that, I truly truly mean it)

What a huge weight was lifted today!

I want to shout from the roof tops! My 10 year green card is being printed and shipped to me!

This is huge! No one knows but we've been having added stress of the removing my 2 year conditions from my Green card. Everyone who gets a Marriage visa gets a 2 year conditional GC first before the 10 unless the couple has been married for 2 years. We were one month shy of 2 years when we got my visa approved. "DOH!".

For the removal of the conditions we supplied them with a nice $500+ check and 2 inches worth of supporting documentation of our marriage (they're heavy into finances, must have a joint bank account, loans, rental/mortgage together, signed documentation showing Power of attorney and beneficiary things. All which without having to designate goes to your spouse (at least here). But you have to have written documentation showing that. So after all of that info was provided we got back a letter saying it wasn't enough evidence. Insert frustration and added stress this momma didn't need. So Paul and I spent a good month gathering whatever else we could find, 3 affidavits from friends and it was really stressful. I mean having to worry about possibly being deported and not getting to go back for possibly 10 years if they denied my application while your half way through your second trimester, not good at all and well turns your world upside down.

Today I got an email from the USCIS that my case has been processed and with the new evidence provided they are approving our petition. Holy crap what a huge weight off of our shoulders

Now onto our last 2 steps  1. applying for birth abroad so Anastasia has duel citizenship. and 2. application for US citizenship for me, which I can start in December of this year but will likely wait until Anastasia is a little older than a month to start that grueling process. Same type of stuff we have to do and more expensive fees.

Sorry I just had to share in our delight!

This has certainly been a process overall and we've learned a lot about the immigration process. If any of my readers need help and are going through the same things I can't stress VisaJourney.com enough. It's an amazing site that saved us having to get a lawyer. By giving ample examples and explaining the process while talking to others who have gone through this and are going through it helped us immensely!

28weeks 5 days ! What?!

I'm in mild shock that I'm even able to write the title. We have been extremely blessed and I just count those blessings each and every day. The pregnancy is going well, our little girl is growing and seems to be doing great. I've enjoyed this mild summer as it seems to be helping with my swelling (not that it bothers me really just something I noticed). The energy I have is still a bit on the lower side but to be expected.

I'm really really crafting up a storm and as each week passes I'm a bit overwhelmed with what I have left to do. But I must remind myself that I'll get done what I can and whatever I don't it'll be ok. :)

I'll share in a few weeks what I've done when I have a bit more compiled to give you the full gamut of what seems to be my own version of nesting.

At about 23 weeks I could actually feel her and not question if it's her or gas. Best description of how it feels is almost like a muscle twitch? With an anterior placenta feeling her was far later for us than most people. But to feel her has been amazing and at times a welcomed distraction at work. At 24 weeks Paul was able to feel her give him a kick or punch for the first time. Mens faces are so stinking adorable when they feel their child for the first time. I think because there's this disconnect for the father as he isn't feeling these daily movements. It was special to see and makes me tear up to think about. Now at 28 almost 29 weeks (where is the time going!?!) I can feel her actually move, it's no longer just popping moments, it's a pushing movement that feels so fricken cool. The past few days we've been noticing we can feel her 'bum' (She's head down so this is my assumption). on my right side just in line with my rib cage. It's really so neat to feel. I think when I felt those movements/pushes is when I really started to connect to her, when I just really let my guard down and had a few 'awe' moments. when I feel her 'bum' i just sit there almost trying to sooth her lol weird but I do.

We have a shower next weekend and feel just so blessed that we are love to the capacity we are. Overall we have felt so much love and anticipation regarding her arrival. I just want to thank all of those people we care for. You ROCK!

We just honestly never thought these moments would come, I'm truly trying to cherish each moment and second. I just wanted to update you as well to let you know everything is going well and fingers crossed they continue to go well. We have 11 weeks left which in retrospect isn't a lot

As always I wouldn't be me if I didn't say that I'm thinking about the ladies struggling right now. Posting what I did is always hard because I know there are a few of my readers who are struggling and I hope you don't mind this update. You are always in my thoughts no matter what I do and I continue to hope for you all each and every day.

A vent of sorts

I really try to be understanding to various people. I try to understand both sides of the coin, and people in different but like situations. I like to keep an open mind but sometimes I'm just pushed to a brink where I'm left having to let out how I truly feel about a certain situation and how sometimes there's a blatant gap between one 'side' over another. I'm sorry if this offends any of my readers, but at this point I'm severely lacking understanding and am getting more and more frustrated with this way of thinking.

I need to just get this out. Nothing upsets me more than a mother complaining she can't get pregnant and have another baby that everyone else has "the one thing she wants most". Meanwhile she has the one thing PI (primary infertility) ladies wish they could experience just once. I guess for me I find it entirely rude and overly dramatic to treat IF the second time around as if you haven't ever been blessed with a child of your own. I understand women without children being upset at others getting the one thing they've wished for. I fail to really understand those who say the exact thing when they actually already do have a child.

I've seen a women last year even say, after having 5 kids.. that's right folks 5 kids. Go on an Infertility forum and post "All of my friends around me are getting pregnant and having kids. When will it FINALLY be my turn !?!" 5 kids directing most of her frustration at women with no kids, asking when it will FINALLY be YOUR TURN? Really? Come on people, KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE. It's not ok in my mind to entirley complain to a group of women about having your 6th kid when they haven't been graced with having their 1st, and finally getting to be a mother, know the ups and downs of parenthood. Just, come on already! Please open your eyes. When things like this are said it is a huge reason why people without children struggling will internally think that a person doesn't 'appreciate' the gifts given to them. I see it as being greedy. Would you complain about not getting the 4th course in a meal to a starving child of a 3rd world country? I see this as being no different. I completely get that people need support but sometimes we have to go find specific groups of women who are in our exact situation, so that we don't offend people (yes we're in a world where sometimes we're too sensitive but I don't feel this is one of them) and so that you can get the proper support you deserve.

I've seen this happen more than once. Actually sometimes the most vocal about their pain are those who have children already complaining to women with no children. What gives? Is it just me? I just find it completely closed minded to treat your life like its the worst journey that could ever happen to you when you know that your life could be a lot worse. You could still not be a mother at all.

Ughhh.....

Miscarriage: Feeling Ignored

This is a topic that recently came up in one of the forums I'm active in. The young lady expressed how she was very upset with a friend due to her lack of support after her miscarriage. She felt that her friends should reach out to her since she was the one grieving. She was hurt and distraught that her friend could make her feel so alone. It's something I've seen talked about a lot and I thought I'd add my own perspective. This is my answer to her post but I felt it would make a good blog post as well.

Please note these are just my own thoughts on this topic. I feel because I was the way I was I never fully understood being mad at friends for being so distant, since it's exactly what I needed at the time.





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You have to understand that for everyone miscarriages are handled differently. Even though I've gone through 4 myself I still wouldn't know how to handle another persons loss. Let me explain why. When someone miscarries each person grieves differently. Some want and need constant attention or at least knowing that people are thinking of them. Others want to remain numb for a while longer, don't want to see anyone and really want to seclude themselves from the world. With all my miscarriages I wanted time to myself. I really didn't want texts or people telling me that they were thinking of me. I wanted to stay numb. Every text I'd get would make me cry harder. My IL wanted to come over the day it happened to be there for me and I kindly asked them not to come over. I wanted to cry, shout and anything else I needed to do in the privacy of my own home. By myself and with my husband. For me it was a very private matter in terms of how we grieved and I like that it went uninterrupted. I really did want to be forgotten for a little bit, and my friends knew I'd come to them when I was ready.

So I disagree with your stance of expecting your friends to make the move. She told you to text her if you needed to talk, have you done that? If not then the ball is still in your court. You need to make it clear what you need right now. She sounds like she's trying; the card was a fail, but think about it this way. She sent it as a way to say I'm thinking of you in her own way. That honestly has to count for something. Maybe she just signed it because again she didn't know what to say.

My best friend and I had this very conversation not to long ago. She admitted she didn't know how to respond. She didn't know how to be supportive. She worried if she brought the losses up that it would make me sadder. She just overall didn't know how to approach it. She sent me a text when I told her it happened letting me know she was there for me. To me that makes it then my responsibility to say "hey I need you right now." Much like any loss people don't know if bringing up the subject will make the situation better or worse. This is why I'm a strong advocate for people speaking up for what they need and want. You can't entirely expect friends to know what kind of support you need right now and sometimes you have to reach out and let them know what kind of support you need.

I'm terribly sorry for your loss but I truly don't think I'd take it out on your friend. I really think when it comes to these topics people truly don't know how to conduct themselves, and rightly so when everyone again grieves oh so differently. Again as I said even though I've been through it 4 times, my first reaction would be to approach it how I wanted people to be with ours, but since I realize that everyone grieves differently I'd send my condolences then wait for the said person to kind of show me what they'd need in terms of support.

20 weeks - Halfway there.

Well there is a bit to catch up on.

First of all everything is still going well. We reached the 20 week mark, halfway and honestly I'm still in disbelief that we're here. I'll admit there were days (before my bump) that I just plum forgot that I was pregnant. I'm still waiting for someone to come and pinch me.

We also found out that we'll be welcoming a little girl. (hopefully, don't you love that I still preface the future with hope? hard habit to crack really). My husband and I did a little BBQ reveal with a bunch of family and friends. Paul knew at the BBQ and I didn't, it was a very special and surreal moment for us.



Her name will be Anastasia Ila Rose. Ila is my late grandmothers name and Rose is Pauls grandmothers name. I'll admit for the longest time I thought we were having a boy. But I did have numerous dreams about a little girl. One of these dreams in particular will always stick with me. For the longest time we knew we'd call her if it was a girl - Anastasia Rose. One night I had a dream where I called a little girl Anastasia Ila Rose. When I woke up I realized that the name just fit that it had a bit of my family in it as well. The final kicker I just recently found out is the name we chose for our daughter, the name I've had picked out since the movie in 1997. (Side note this movie was also instrumental in our wedding. As a song from the movie we had for our first dance. I promise I'm not obsessed with the movie, everything just fit.

So to the 'kicker' part, my best friend told me after I told her the gender and name that it was her fathers name. Remember that man I spoke about in my 3rd IUI post where I could feel him with us the very same cycle that we conceived Anastasia, our due date that coincides with the day he passed away? The very same man had the male version of our daughters name. I was stunned. We called him Tom but his real name was Anastasius (greek). I never ever put two and two together as I always thought Russian when I heard Anastasia's name (thanks to the movie). I don't think there could be any more coincidences in this conception. It's just solidified that he's with us and looking out for us. My best friend had chills when I told her all of these coincidences. She loved it.

Sorry that was a bit more drawn out than I anticipated.

Since finding out we're having a girl my excitement level has risen a bit. I'm still a tiny bit standoff-ish and I think I'm getting to the point of acceptance for how my emotions are being during this pregnancy. I don't think I'll ever fully buy in until she's in our arms. That realism I don't think I can ever fully let go of and I've come to accept that and know that it's ok. Whatever helps us get through these moments, it's ok. I have started making little items for her, more burp cloths, a pair of crocheted booties. The next projects on my list are a baby blanket and her going home outfit. 

I look back on this journey and I feel a bit of peace. I remember how we were just a year ago, going through our second miscarriage and feeling so hopeless, having to entertain the thought that we may be a child free home. Thinking of how our 'house' plans would change if it was just the two of us and our 2 pets. Sure I had to realize there were benefits to living a life child free but after some deep deep soul searching I realized it'd be far down on my list of things I wanted for our life. I knew during all of last year that if I could help it our life wouldn't be a biologically free child home. I realized just what I'd give up for the life changes that would come our way. With each loss that fight got stronger and stronger. It was a huge wake-up call for us both. I also remember the drive I had, every loss sucked so so much but with it came this unbelievable strength to keep pushing on to ask more questions seek the answers out. A cycle lost was another month we didn't achieve success. I think getting back on the horse attitude I had is what helped the most. I didn't give myself time to sit and think, I just knew what had to be and we had to keep trying. I'm at peace knowing that we've come out of this a stronger couple, a more sympathetic couple to others and their life struggles, stronger individuals, the amount of times we brushed our selves off and kept going lets me know that if we can pick ourselves up after that many tragedies, we could literally achieve anything. I resent what I went through in a way but I wouldn't change the person it's made me and the wife it's made me to my husband and my husband to me.

This journey made us realize just how much and how far we'd go for our family dreams. It left little to no room for questioning if this is where we wanted life. By the end of our 4th loss it was very clear. I keep those struggles in my mind each and every day.

In the end I wouldn't trade places with the old me, with the me last year. This is exactly where I want us to be. And hopefully in November our family wish comes true. 

I hope for everyone who reads this, that their family wish comes true. I know this journey is hard and it will test your limits, your sanity and your will power. Believe in your ability to pick yourself back up, it'll be hard but the effort, the work and even in sadness all of it is worth the fight for that little being. Blessings to all of you, know I'm here for you to talk to should you ever need an ear to vent to, a friend to confide in and a friend to kick you in the rear when you need it. The fight is hard and none of it will be easy, but it will be worth it. Promise... No matter what happens good or bad you will find a way to make it through one step and one day at a time.

Love, hugs and best wishes.