This is a topic that recently came up in one of the forums I'm active in. The young lady expressed how she was very upset with a friend due to her lack of support after her miscarriage. She felt that her friends should reach out to her since she was the one grieving. She was hurt and distraught that her friend could make her feel so alone. It's something I've seen talked about a lot and I thought I'd add my own perspective. This is my answer to her post but I felt it would make a good blog post as well.
Please note these are just my own thoughts on this topic. I feel because I was the way I was I never fully understood being mad at friends for being so distant, since it's exactly what I needed at the time.
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You have to understand that for everyone
miscarriages are handled differently. Even though I've gone through 4
myself I still wouldn't know how to handle another persons loss. Let me
explain why. When someone miscarries each person grieves differently.
Some want and need constant attention or at least knowing that people
are thinking of them. Others want to remain numb for a while longer,
don't want to see anyone and really want to seclude themselves from the
world. With all my miscarriages I wanted time to myself. I really didn't
want texts or people telling me that they were thinking of me. I wanted
to stay numb. Every text I'd get would make me cry harder. My IL wanted
to come over the day it happened to be there for me and I kindly asked
them not to come over. I wanted to cry, shout and anything else I needed
to do in the privacy of my own home. By myself and with my husband. For
me it was a very private matter in terms of how we grieved and I like
that it went uninterrupted. I really did want to be forgotten for a
little bit, and my friends knew I'd come to them when I was ready.
So I disagree with your stance of expecting your friends to make the
move. She told you to text her if you needed to talk, have you done
that? If not then the ball is still in your court. You need to make it
clear what you need right now. She sounds like she's trying; the card
was a fail, but think about it this way. She sent it as a way to say I'm
thinking of you in her own way. That honestly has to count for
something. Maybe she just signed it because again she didn't know what
to say.
My best friend and I had this very conversation not to long ago. She
admitted she didn't know how to respond. She didn't know how to be
supportive. She worried if she brought the losses up that it would make
me sadder. She just overall didn't know how to approach it. She sent me a
text when I told her it happened letting me know she was there for me.
To me that makes it then my responsibility to say "hey I need you right
now." Much like any loss people don't know if bringing up the subject
will make the situation better or worse. This is why I'm a strong
advocate for people speaking up for what they need and want. You can't
entirely expect friends to know what kind of support you need right now
and sometimes you have to reach out and let them know what kind of
support you need.
I'm terribly sorry for your loss but I truly don't think I'd take it out
on your friend. I really think when it comes to these topics people
truly don't know how to conduct themselves, and rightly so when everyone
again grieves oh so differently. Again as I said even though I've been
through it 4 times, my first reaction would be to approach it how I
wanted people to be with ours, but since I realize that everyone grieves
differently I'd send my condolences then wait for the said person to
kind of show me what they'd need in terms of support.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
20 weeks - Halfway there.
Well there is a bit to catch up on.
First of all everything is still going well. We reached the 20 week mark, halfway and honestly I'm still in disbelief that we're here. I'll admit there were days (before my bump) that I just plum forgot that I was pregnant. I'm still waiting for someone to come and pinch me.
We also found out that we'll be welcoming a little girl. (hopefully, don't you love that I still preface the future with hope? hard habit to crack really). My husband and I did a little BBQ reveal with a bunch of family and friends. Paul knew at the BBQ and I didn't, it was a very special and surreal moment for us.
Her name will be Anastasia Ila Rose. Ila is my late grandmothers name and Rose is Pauls grandmothers name. I'll admit for the longest time I thought we were having a boy. But I did have numerous dreams about a little girl. One of these dreams in particular will always stick with me. For the longest time we knew we'd call her if it was a girl - Anastasia Rose. One night I had a dream where I called a little girl Anastasia Ila Rose. When I woke up I realized that the name just fit that it had a bit of my family in it as well. The final kicker I just recently found out is the name we chose for our daughter, the name I've had picked out since the movie in 1997. (Side note this movie was also instrumental in our wedding. As a song from the movie we had for our first dance. I promise I'm not obsessed with the movie, everything just fit.
So to the 'kicker' part, my best friend told me after I told her the gender and name that it was her fathers name. Remember that man I spoke about in my 3rd IUI post where I could feel him with us the very same cycle that we conceived Anastasia, our due date that coincides with the day he passed away? The very same man had the male version of our daughters name. I was stunned. We called him Tom but his real name was Anastasius (greek). I never ever put two and two together as I always thought Russian when I heard Anastasia's name (thanks to the movie). I don't think there could be any more coincidences in this conception. It's just solidified that he's with us and looking out for us. My best friend had chills when I told her all of these coincidences. She loved it.
Sorry that was a bit more drawn out than I anticipated.
Since finding out we're having a girl my excitement level has risen a bit. I'm still a tiny bit standoff-ish and I think I'm getting to the point of acceptance for how my emotions are being during this pregnancy. I don't think I'll ever fully buy in until she's in our arms. That realism I don't think I can ever fully let go of and I've come to accept that and know that it's ok. Whatever helps us get through these moments, it's ok. I have started making little items for her, more burp cloths, a pair of crocheted booties. The next projects on my list are a baby blanket and her going home outfit.
I look back on this journey and I feel a bit of peace. I remember how we were just a year ago, going through our second miscarriage and feeling so hopeless, having to entertain the thought that we may be a child free home. Thinking of how our 'house' plans would change if it was just the two of us and our 2 pets. Sure I had to realize there were benefits to living a life child free but after some deep deep soul searching I realized it'd be far down on my list of things I wanted for our life. I knew during all of last year that if I could help it our life wouldn't be a biologically free child home. I realized just what I'd give up for the life changes that would come our way. With each loss that fight got stronger and stronger. It was a huge wake-up call for us both. I also remember the drive I had, every loss sucked so so much but with it came this unbelievable strength to keep pushing on to ask more questions seek the answers out. A cycle lost was another month we didn't achieve success. I think getting back on the horse attitude I had is what helped the most. I didn't give myself time to sit and think, I just knew what had to be and we had to keep trying. I'm at peace knowing that we've come out of this a stronger couple, a more sympathetic couple to others and their life struggles, stronger individuals, the amount of times we brushed our selves off and kept going lets me know that if we can pick ourselves up after that many tragedies, we could literally achieve anything. I resent what I went through in a way but I wouldn't change the person it's made me and the wife it's made me to my husband and my husband to me.
This journey made us realize just how much and how far we'd go for our family dreams. It left little to no room for questioning if this is where we wanted life. By the end of our 4th loss it was very clear. I keep those struggles in my mind each and every day.
In the end I wouldn't trade places with the old me, with the me last year. This is exactly where I want us to be. And hopefully in November our family wish comes true.
I hope for everyone who reads this, that their family wish comes true. I know this journey is hard and it will test your limits, your sanity and your will power. Believe in your ability to pick yourself back up, it'll be hard but the effort, the work and even in sadness all of it is worth the fight for that little being. Blessings to all of you, know I'm here for you to talk to should you ever need an ear to vent to, a friend to confide in and a friend to kick you in the rear when you need it. The fight is hard and none of it will be easy, but it will be worth it. Promise... No matter what happens good or bad you will find a way to make it through one step and one day at a time.
Love, hugs and best wishes.
First of all everything is still going well. We reached the 20 week mark, halfway and honestly I'm still in disbelief that we're here. I'll admit there were days (before my bump) that I just plum forgot that I was pregnant. I'm still waiting for someone to come and pinch me.
We also found out that we'll be welcoming a little girl. (hopefully, don't you love that I still preface the future with hope? hard habit to crack really). My husband and I did a little BBQ reveal with a bunch of family and friends. Paul knew at the BBQ and I didn't, it was a very special and surreal moment for us.
Her name will be Anastasia Ila Rose. Ila is my late grandmothers name and Rose is Pauls grandmothers name. I'll admit for the longest time I thought we were having a boy. But I did have numerous dreams about a little girl. One of these dreams in particular will always stick with me. For the longest time we knew we'd call her if it was a girl - Anastasia Rose. One night I had a dream where I called a little girl Anastasia Ila Rose. When I woke up I realized that the name just fit that it had a bit of my family in it as well. The final kicker I just recently found out is the name we chose for our daughter, the name I've had picked out since the movie in 1997. (Side note this movie was also instrumental in our wedding. As a song from the movie we had for our first dance. I promise I'm not obsessed with the movie, everything just fit.
So to the 'kicker' part, my best friend told me after I told her the gender and name that it was her fathers name. Remember that man I spoke about in my 3rd IUI post where I could feel him with us the very same cycle that we conceived Anastasia, our due date that coincides with the day he passed away? The very same man had the male version of our daughters name. I was stunned. We called him Tom but his real name was Anastasius (greek). I never ever put two and two together as I always thought Russian when I heard Anastasia's name (thanks to the movie). I don't think there could be any more coincidences in this conception. It's just solidified that he's with us and looking out for us. My best friend had chills when I told her all of these coincidences. She loved it.
Sorry that was a bit more drawn out than I anticipated.
Since finding out we're having a girl my excitement level has risen a bit. I'm still a tiny bit standoff-ish and I think I'm getting to the point of acceptance for how my emotions are being during this pregnancy. I don't think I'll ever fully buy in until she's in our arms. That realism I don't think I can ever fully let go of and I've come to accept that and know that it's ok. Whatever helps us get through these moments, it's ok. I have started making little items for her, more burp cloths, a pair of crocheted booties. The next projects on my list are a baby blanket and her going home outfit.
I look back on this journey and I feel a bit of peace. I remember how we were just a year ago, going through our second miscarriage and feeling so hopeless, having to entertain the thought that we may be a child free home. Thinking of how our 'house' plans would change if it was just the two of us and our 2 pets. Sure I had to realize there were benefits to living a life child free but after some deep deep soul searching I realized it'd be far down on my list of things I wanted for our life. I knew during all of last year that if I could help it our life wouldn't be a biologically free child home. I realized just what I'd give up for the life changes that would come our way. With each loss that fight got stronger and stronger. It was a huge wake-up call for us both. I also remember the drive I had, every loss sucked so so much but with it came this unbelievable strength to keep pushing on to ask more questions seek the answers out. A cycle lost was another month we didn't achieve success. I think getting back on the horse attitude I had is what helped the most. I didn't give myself time to sit and think, I just knew what had to be and we had to keep trying. I'm at peace knowing that we've come out of this a stronger couple, a more sympathetic couple to others and their life struggles, stronger individuals, the amount of times we brushed our selves off and kept going lets me know that if we can pick ourselves up after that many tragedies, we could literally achieve anything. I resent what I went through in a way but I wouldn't change the person it's made me and the wife it's made me to my husband and my husband to me.
This journey made us realize just how much and how far we'd go for our family dreams. It left little to no room for questioning if this is where we wanted life. By the end of our 4th loss it was very clear. I keep those struggles in my mind each and every day.
In the end I wouldn't trade places with the old me, with the me last year. This is exactly where I want us to be. And hopefully in November our family wish comes true.
I hope for everyone who reads this, that their family wish comes true. I know this journey is hard and it will test your limits, your sanity and your will power. Believe in your ability to pick yourself back up, it'll be hard but the effort, the work and even in sadness all of it is worth the fight for that little being. Blessings to all of you, know I'm here for you to talk to should you ever need an ear to vent to, a friend to confide in and a friend to kick you in the rear when you need it. The fight is hard and none of it will be easy, but it will be worth it. Promise... No matter what happens good or bad you will find a way to make it through one step and one day at a time.
Love, hugs and best wishes.
Monday, June 10, 2013
How will next time be different?
"How will next time be different?"
I had a friend ask me this question at a gathering. I have to admit it caught me off guard but it's something I have thought about in the past and discussed with Paul, and have discussed since getting pregnant.
TTC takes so much out of you the emotional turmoil and lets face it constant need to go go go, the feeling of rushing to get no where. The test and tolls it takes on your relationship with your spouse but also yourself, and those of faith often have that tested as well.
While my experience through this journey isn't going to be the same as the next person I was more than happy to offer my input on what I felt would be different / the same next time. This is with all my fingers toes and my head knocking on wood that this pregnancy gives us the one child we've wanted all our life.
Before talking about next time I want to go over what happened this time. You start temping every morning (reminder 1 of the obstacles you must face to conceive), opk's packages become a familiar friend to the back of your toilet self that you forget to put them away when friends come over, (aka you're using them on what seems like a daily basis sometimes), You hit the year mark "What's wrong with me.", you get pregnant and loose the baby "WHATS WRONG WITH ME!?", you are plagued with this darkness in your heart a jealousy for many pregnant women that doesn't go away, you feel guilty for reacting so physically when someone says they're pregnant, pity parties are about the only ones you come to 'celebrate, people just don't understand; infertility is isolating its a topic rarely spoken about and so many are made to suffer in silence a lot of the times because people just don't understand what it's like. IF brought on perhaps one of the deepest depressions I ever experienced.
For the first time in a long time I know what it's like to feel genuinely happy, i don't have to wake up finding ways to motivate myself to continue with another cycle of trying. I'm in a perpetural state of feeling blessed beyond my wildest dreams and feeling a deep hurt for the beautiful women I know who are still in the trenches , Mustering that strength becomes hard month after month. Don't ever forget ladies you are an inspiration, your strength and drive is seen. Realize how amazing you really are to many.
IF(infertility) made me into a warrior though, someone who no matter how many times I got knocked down I'd get right back up. Because lets face it for some of us the only way to get that take home baby is to get right back on the horse. After each loss I wondered "can i do this again, what happens if we loose another" When we did I some how was able to make it through the rain, not without another part of my heart missing but my husband and I made it through. The biggest thing that helped me was my support systems. My DH who went through the trenches with me, I at times feel like our unsung hero's of the IF world are our husbands. And the ladies who were standing beside me with their own heartaches yet holding my virtual hand all the while.
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Now with all of that in mind how will next time be?
Well we have the answers we need, we know how we can conceive and how we can try to prevent a miscarriage from happening.
How long will we try? Not long, a few Timed intercourse and IUI cycles then we'll pack it up and move on with life.
I can't nor will I ever allow the hell that took over mine and my husbands life to then take over when I have a child who needs my love and attention. Some may strongly disagree with much of what I'm about to say and that's ok but this is just my own personal view. I will on a multitude of levels feel guilty, when I said I just wanted ONE child I truly have always meant it. I will find ways if it turns out to be that way, to go on living with the family I have. I won't have the paralyzing fear of never being a mother, never experiencing what it is to experience all that is motherhood. It's like this exclusive club you feel very detached from, call it for some a right of passage for those who want to be mothers. (because lets face it not everyone wants to be a mother or a parent and that's ok). I just refuse to let my life get to that level again when I should and will be grateful for the family number we're blessed with.
As I said what will be different next time is I have the one thing my DH and I truly want. Will it be a bit heartbreaking if my child wants a sibling? Yes, but in truth they can (this is going to sound bad) learn to be happy with a bunch of friends and no other sibling. Siblings aren't always defined by the blood we share, I have a best friend I call sister and see her as such. I won't let my child essentially dictate how long we try.
Will we put in a good effort? When have we been known to go half ass?
Will we set my limits next time? Yes,
Why? Because we feel it's the responsible thing for us to do.
In truth my child will suffer more if we went through 4 years of this isolating journey again where I (in large) would be plagued with my own emotions and trying to love a child while dealing with the heartache Infertility brings. My child will suffer more if we don't set those limits more so than them being a single child. I can't be that selfish next time around, our life just won't allow it. Not to say I was selfish but in the sense that not having children this go around really allowed me and us to focus solely on this, the tests, the appointments everything. I will on days I feel blue remember that the child I hug goodnight was all we ever dreamed of, while others still struggle. It's a journey and an experience that will be seared into my heart.
So what will be different? A lot of stuff. And why that is different is because of us having the dream we always wanted. Asking for more if we are proven to not to have more down the road would be like biting the hand that fed us this miracle the first time. It'd be like telling my struggling infertile friends, one wasn't enough. Seems greedy for me to even entertain.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
15 Weeks already?!?
Honestly, I think I've been very blessed with a rather (knock on wood) complicated free pregnancy thus far. Minus the nausea I don't have anything to complain about. It's truly been (insert gag for pregnant moms who disagree) a very beautiful experience thus far. When I look at us being 15 weeks I find myself in awe.
The things that have kept me sane during this pregnancy has been:
1. The weekly ultrasounds from 5weeks to 11 weeks.
2. The doppler we bought just before 11 weeks.
- Our biggest worry is that we will go to an ultrasound and be hit with the news we had last time. So for us hearing that heartbeat every night before bed is not only essential but allows us to check in on baby when we have to wait the normal time in between scans. I notice that with the doppler I'm not anxiously counting down the days until our next scan, because I know baby is doing well every night. Such an amazing thing they've made available especially to mothers of losses.
3. My dear husband. Gosh I could go into mounds and mounds of stories from him putting up with the crazy mood swings. To never letting me go without. He's always there to help and I know when his child arrives he will be the most amazing father. I look how he is with my nephews and my heart melts. All children flock to him. It sets my heart at ease seeing this.
4. Our support system has been bar none the best we could have ever asked for. We know we have so many cheerleaders for this little one and we couldn't be more grateful.
Without further adieu here is our progress thus far :)
The things that have kept me sane during this pregnancy has been:
1. The weekly ultrasounds from 5weeks to 11 weeks.
2. The doppler we bought just before 11 weeks.
- Our biggest worry is that we will go to an ultrasound and be hit with the news we had last time. So for us hearing that heartbeat every night before bed is not only essential but allows us to check in on baby when we have to wait the normal time in between scans. I notice that with the doppler I'm not anxiously counting down the days until our next scan, because I know baby is doing well every night. Such an amazing thing they've made available especially to mothers of losses.
3. My dear husband. Gosh I could go into mounds and mounds of stories from him putting up with the crazy mood swings. To never letting me go without. He's always there to help and I know when his child arrives he will be the most amazing father. I look how he is with my nephews and my heart melts. All children flock to him. It sets my heart at ease seeing this.
4. Our support system has been bar none the best we could have ever asked for. We know we have so many cheerleaders for this little one and we couldn't be more grateful.
Without further adieu here is our progress thus far :)
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| 15 weeks (and 2 days to be precise ;) ) |
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| Paul is looking mighty fine for 15 weeks ;) |
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Mother's day: Remembering all
First off I want to wish my wonderful mother a very happy mothers day. Without her love, guidance and kick in the butt when needed I wouldn't be the confident, outspoken, loving and loyal women I am today. Without her support over these past few years of our struggles, I would have crumbled. I love her dearly and thank her for everything she's done for me since I was a tot in diapers. Your kindness and selflessness is not forgotten, I will never be able to repay you but I can even when it's not Mothers day, show you how special you are to me.
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I read a blog post that I stumbled upon on one of my infertility message boards. The way the article was presented and received was that of love and thanks. This article truly touched my heart. While we're expecting I've felt since last year especially I'm a mother but I was always stuck in the emotional turmoil of how appropriate it was to feel that I was a mother with out a child. While some may say, if you feel like a mother then you are. If life was as simple as that then we wouldn't be struck with these complex feelings. Single minded answers like that leave me knowing that the person who speaks such words really don't know or understand the plight of a mother without a child that is biologically theirs or awarded to them through adoption proceedings. The struggle that I feel was helped for me personally by reading this post.
This blog post to me helps acknowledge mothers of all walks of life.
I don't want to take anything way from the hard-earned recognition of all that mothers do to protect, care for and nurture their children. Those women do deserve to feel and be appreciated.
An open letter to pastors:a non-mom speaks about mothers day
I'll use Amy's words to express my Happy Mothers day to all.
Some of the comments on the blog saddened my heart.This one commenter really said what I feel in a very graceful way. To those who just may not get the intent of the post. It's again not to take away from mothers, it's to expand our definition of a mother.
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I read a blog post that I stumbled upon on one of my infertility message boards. The way the article was presented and received was that of love and thanks. This article truly touched my heart. While we're expecting I've felt since last year especially I'm a mother but I was always stuck in the emotional turmoil of how appropriate it was to feel that I was a mother with out a child. While some may say, if you feel like a mother then you are. If life was as simple as that then we wouldn't be struck with these complex feelings. Single minded answers like that leave me knowing that the person who speaks such words really don't know or understand the plight of a mother without a child that is biologically theirs or awarded to them through adoption proceedings. The struggle that I feel was helped for me personally by reading this post.
This blog post to me helps acknowledge mothers of all walks of life.
I don't want to take anything way from the hard-earned recognition of all that mothers do to protect, care for and nurture their children. Those women do deserve to feel and be appreciated.
An open letter to pastors:a non-mom speaks about mothers day
I'll use Amy's words to express my Happy Mothers day to all.
To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you
To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you
To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you
To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you
To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.
To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you
To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you
To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you
To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you
To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience
To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst
To those who have aborted children – we remember them and you on this day
To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children – we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be
To those who step-parent – we walk with you on these complex paths
To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren -yet that dream is not to be, we grieve with you
To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you
To those who placed children up for adoption — we commend you for your selflessness and remember how you hold that child in your heart
And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you
This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you.
Some of the comments on the blog saddened my heart.This one commenter really said what I feel in a very graceful way. To those who just may not get the intent of the post. It's again not to take away from mothers, it's to expand our definition of a mother.
"To equate womanhood with motherhood only and to point out the journeys and experiences of mothers in the body only is extremely alienating and hurtful and doesn’t acknowledge the journey in Christ that the rest of us have taken and that many more will take.
Thank you. I’ve read through a lot of the comments and I have to say, again, celebrating mothers is something we SHOULD do but we should also be mindful of the pain of others. Have COMPASSION. Rejoice AND mourn with each other. It shouldn’t take away from a mother to acknowledge that there are hurting women out there. I also think if we acknowledged the contributions of women in general, throughout the year, maybe Mother’s Day wouldn’t be such a slap in the face to some.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
First OB appointment- Follow up
Today we're 10 weeks 5 days. And So so close to being in our second trimester.
We had our first OB appointment yesterday. Man was it a different atmosphere then what I'm used to . At the RE it's all business and in and out. The OB was amazing went over things that even my NP didn't go over :/. Apparently my RE's office sent over my med schedule with suggested stop times. He likes a lot of them, but does not agree with the Lovenox. I guess on the sheet he got it said 24 weeks. He wants me on it until 36 weeks then we'd switch to Hepirn. Which is what i thought my RE told me would happen all along ::), I completely agreed with my OB. When you deal with an RE's office at least with us you rarely if ever see an actual doctor, it's mostly Nurse practitioners so nothing was ever fully explained to me. He did tell me I need to make sure I'm getting enough Calcium with the Lovenox, new news to me.
So we went in and he did a pap then we tried for an abdominal U/S and it worked baby is just below my belly button according to him. almost smack dab in the middle when I looked at where he had the wand. We got to see baby and a very strong fast heartbeat. He didn't measure how fast when I asked he giggled when I asked how fast it was ;) He knew where I was going with that LMAO (for those who don't know some like to speculate that you can tell what the sex is by how fast the heartbeat is). Damn, caught red handed. I will see the two other OB's in the practice just as a smart plan in case my primary choice isn't available the day of delivery. Baby again was doing really well measuring 2 days ahead of where we were. We actually got to see a little hand and it looked like (s)he was waving at us.
Then on the way home I had an emotional moment where It dawned on me that this doc could possibly be the one helping us deliver our baby in just under 7 months. That my husband will finally be a father. So I cried as it was just this euphoric feeling seeing Paul there. I get shivers thinking about it now. We discussed our birth plan. I told him I'm keeping all options open. If i need drugs I'm not against them, if I'm able to breast feed I will if I can't then I can't. My reason for being so relaxed about a birth plan is because I've seen so many Moms to be have a big plan and if the plans don't go well some are notably upset. And with just cause because when you have a vision you like to see it executed a little how you saw it. For me I just want baby here and I want it to be as safe for me and baby as possible. WIth breast feeding again we will try and I will put in a very solid effort. But I will be ok with things if it's just not in the cards for us, for whatever reason. Our OB really liked that mindset and appreciated the open mindedness. Shit just got real today for some reason, I can say with confidence this will be our THB, and wow does that ever feel amazing to say!
New questions started flooding my mind and I asked about hospitals as we do have a choice between 2 hospitals which our OB's deliver at. I was given this bit of advice from an expectant mother and maternity/nicu ward nurse.
This was her full advice:
We had our first OB appointment yesterday. Man was it a different atmosphere then what I'm used to . At the RE it's all business and in and out. The OB was amazing went over things that even my NP didn't go over :/. Apparently my RE's office sent over my med schedule with suggested stop times. He likes a lot of them, but does not agree with the Lovenox. I guess on the sheet he got it said 24 weeks. He wants me on it until 36 weeks then we'd switch to Hepirn. Which is what i thought my RE told me would happen all along ::), I completely agreed with my OB. When you deal with an RE's office at least with us you rarely if ever see an actual doctor, it's mostly Nurse practitioners so nothing was ever fully explained to me. He did tell me I need to make sure I'm getting enough Calcium with the Lovenox, new news to me.
So we went in and he did a pap then we tried for an abdominal U/S and it worked baby is just below my belly button according to him. almost smack dab in the middle when I looked at where he had the wand. We got to see baby and a very strong fast heartbeat. He didn't measure how fast when I asked he giggled when I asked how fast it was ;) He knew where I was going with that LMAO (for those who don't know some like to speculate that you can tell what the sex is by how fast the heartbeat is). Damn, caught red handed. I will see the two other OB's in the practice just as a smart plan in case my primary choice isn't available the day of delivery. Baby again was doing really well measuring 2 days ahead of where we were. We actually got to see a little hand and it looked like (s)he was waving at us.
Then on the way home I had an emotional moment where It dawned on me that this doc could possibly be the one helping us deliver our baby in just under 7 months. That my husband will finally be a father. So I cried as it was just this euphoric feeling seeing Paul there. I get shivers thinking about it now. We discussed our birth plan. I told him I'm keeping all options open. If i need drugs I'm not against them, if I'm able to breast feed I will if I can't then I can't. My reason for being so relaxed about a birth plan is because I've seen so many Moms to be have a big plan and if the plans don't go well some are notably upset. And with just cause because when you have a vision you like to see it executed a little how you saw it. For me I just want baby here and I want it to be as safe for me and baby as possible. WIth breast feeding again we will try and I will put in a very solid effort. But I will be ok with things if it's just not in the cards for us, for whatever reason. Our OB really liked that mindset and appreciated the open mindedness. Shit just got real today for some reason, I can say with confidence this will be our THB, and wow does that ever feel amazing to say!
New questions started flooding my mind and I asked about hospitals as we do have a choice between 2 hospitals which our OB's deliver at. I was given this bit of advice from an expectant mother and maternity/nicu ward nurse.
This was her full advice:
Many people pick hospital first, but I think picking dr first is often best. Neither is wrong, and you have an ob you love, so you're set. I would tour both hospitals, find out their layout and setup. Find out if the babies primarily room in or spend a good bit of time in the nursery. Find out if baby has to be admitted in the nursery or if they are admitted in mom's room. Find out if the nursing staff has separate mother and baby nurses or if the same nurse takes care of both. Figure out how they admit c-sections, just in case. No setup or nursing assignments are wrong, just different. Find out how many lactation consultants they have on staff and if they are available on nights and weekends. Many hospitals only have LCs mon-fri/sat from 8-4 or so, and it can be hard for moms to get help if they deliver at night (depending on the skill and comfort levels of the nursing staff).
Thursday, April 18, 2013
TTC Milestones
TTC Milestones aren't like your regular milestones (normally happy). They were often greeted with sadness and overall frustration. In our journey we were met with a few milestones both in how long we were trying and then the dreaded due date milestone. The first due date for me was the hardest and perhaps the others have been cushioned because of our current pregnancy, but honestly it doesn't take away the complete hurt and loss you feel towards the life that would/could have been.
The hardest milestone is a tie. The first year of our TTC journey and the due date of our first loss.
Hitting the first year was hard. Subsequent years did hurt and was frustrating but they weren't the same. Reaching that year told me I was no longer deemed normal. That I had to embark on getting help and even at the year mark I was in denial that I just didn't go seek out help. I tried to stay blissfully ignorant because that next step, the step where you admit to yourself and to your husband "Hey somethings wrong." Then you start to worry "Is it me?" Will I ever have kids? What's going on? Why am I broken? What are my next steps? Am I ready to hear that something's wrong? You get hit with a ton of questions. All in a matter of a day. Some sooner in their TTC but that year mark is often when a light starts going off and our minds start racing. The other years came and went and honestly it didn't hurt as much because as sad as this will sound it became the norm. Of course we weren't pregnant. it's not anything we weren't used to at that point. Of course something was wrong nothing was really new and another year would pass, and another. I feared our 4th year though, I feared it like the plague. Today marks that 4th year we would have been trying. And here we are blessed and I hope tomorrow shows we'll continue to be blessed come November. So much happened in year 3 that I truly feared what signifying another year would do. I didn't want to worry about more losses or years more of this 'yay' and then gut wrenching loss. Sometimes though they aren't as bad as we think they will be.
Sorry for the debby downer post, I really do feel very grateful and happy today. But I can't completely forget our struggles or talking about Infertility.
The hardest milestone is a tie. The first year of our TTC journey and the due date of our first loss.
Hitting the first year was hard. Subsequent years did hurt and was frustrating but they weren't the same. Reaching that year told me I was no longer deemed normal. That I had to embark on getting help and even at the year mark I was in denial that I just didn't go seek out help. I tried to stay blissfully ignorant because that next step, the step where you admit to yourself and to your husband "Hey somethings wrong." Then you start to worry "Is it me?" Will I ever have kids? What's going on? Why am I broken? What are my next steps? Am I ready to hear that something's wrong? You get hit with a ton of questions. All in a matter of a day. Some sooner in their TTC but that year mark is often when a light starts going off and our minds start racing. The other years came and went and honestly it didn't hurt as much because as sad as this will sound it became the norm. Of course we weren't pregnant. it's not anything we weren't used to at that point. Of course something was wrong nothing was really new and another year would pass, and another. I feared our 4th year though, I feared it like the plague. Today marks that 4th year we would have been trying. And here we are blessed and I hope tomorrow shows we'll continue to be blessed come November. So much happened in year 3 that I truly feared what signifying another year would do. I didn't want to worry about more losses or years more of this 'yay' and then gut wrenching loss. Sometimes though they aren't as bad as we think they will be.
Sorry for the debby downer post, I really do feel very grateful and happy today. But I can't completely forget our struggles or talking about Infertility.
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