TTC Milestones

TTC Milestones aren't like your regular milestones (normally happy). They were often greeted with sadness and overall frustration. In our journey we were met with a few milestones both in how long we were trying and then the dreaded due date milestone. The first due date for me was the hardest and perhaps the others have been cushioned because of our current pregnancy, but honestly it doesn't take away the complete hurt and loss you feel towards the life that would/could have been.

The hardest milestone is a tie. The first year of our TTC journey and the due date of our first loss.

Hitting the first year was hard. Subsequent years did hurt and was frustrating but they weren't the same. Reaching that year told me I was no longer deemed normal. That I had to embark on getting help and even at the year mark I was in denial that I just didn't go seek out help. I tried to stay blissfully ignorant because that next step, the step where you admit to yourself and to your husband "Hey somethings wrong." Then you start to worry "Is it me?" Will I ever have kids? What's going on? Why am I broken? What are my next steps? Am I ready to hear that something's wrong? You get hit with a ton of questions. All in a matter of a day. Some sooner in their TTC but that year mark is often when a light starts going off and our minds start racing. The other years came and went and honestly it didn't hurt as much because as sad as this will sound it became the norm. Of course we weren't pregnant. it's not anything we weren't used to at that point. Of course something was wrong nothing was really new and another year would pass, and another. I feared our 4th year though, I feared it like the plague. Today marks that 4th year we would have been trying. And here we are blessed and I hope tomorrow shows we'll continue to be blessed come November. So much happened in year 3 that I truly feared what signifying another year would do. I didn't want to worry about more losses or years more of this 'yay' and then gut wrenching loss. Sometimes though they aren't as bad as we think they will be.

Sorry for the debby downer post, I really do feel very grateful and happy today. But I can't completely forget our struggles or talking about Infertility.