Lovenox - First time tips

Today was my first day taking the lovenox after our IUI. Which by the way went very smoothly, I'll write about that in another post. Over the past few weeks I've been doing my fertility injections and honestly those were a breeze with the only thing mildly hurting was putting the needle in, even then it wasn't anything bad really.

Today I had to overcome another mind hurdel and inject a new medication. Because I'm a person who really likes to read reviews and ensure I'm doing it right I hit up YouTube and a few forums. I was struck with how many women and men said that it hurt. Some describing it as "It took my breath away." I remember the type of pain that took my breath away over the course of our journey and needless to say I was intimidated to know I'd be inflicting that pain on myself. Ultimately hearing this freaked me the heck out. Then they also offered some amazing tips. After my first shot I have to say that while it stung a bit it didn't take my breath away. Doing my research perhaps paid off in a bad first time experience.

Here were a few things I did that perhaps helped minimize the pain. (Bruising I'm not sure of yet but will update later).

1. Ice before the shot (2-4 minutes till it feels on the numb side) - some women have found that adding ice can sometimes make their skin 'tighter' but I personally did not experience it this first go around.

2. Let the alcohol dry.

3. Pinch the piece of skin you just iced. Some women have noticed that they bruise a lot more if they pinch the skin. So some prefer to not pinch, but in not pinching they did admit the injection was a bit more painful.

4. INJECT SLOWLY! Many will want to just get it over with and inject as fast as possible. I think that this is perhaps where the breathless pain comes from because it's all at once. I found that injecting very slowly while it stung a little bit it was done in tiny increments. The injection maybe took me 30 seconds. After I pulled out the needle I only had minimal pain.


I realize this is my first time and perhaps everything was a fluke. For now this will be my sound advice to first timers and perhaps those looking for ways to possibly decrease their pain.

Thank you to all of my supporters. Your encouraging words truly help.

IuI #1

A whole lot has happened in such a short amount of time. I've learned so much about the IUI process (well not everything) but it feels very fulfilling to go through this process. (after struggling mind you).

I've put my thermometer away no more charting for me. I've relinquished the control and am allowing my RE to take care of it all. To say I'm so much more relaxed after not charting is an understatement. I didn't realize how much it stressed me out. If I wasn't able to know where I'm at in my cycle I'd still be stressed. But right now I find doing my temps to be redundant when we're going in almost every other day for follicle scans. I like not having that daily reminder of our struggles, truth be told that's what taking my temp every morning before I got out of bed did to me.

Now onto the fun stuff. This IUI cycle is done with injectables. For those of you less than familiar with the drugs you can take when you have fertility problems I'll explain them a little bit for you. The ones I'm going to explain are all medications I have taken. I know there are other fertility drugs you can take but as I said I'm not as familiar with them.

Please note what's written below is my own personal experience and understanding of IF drugs. I am not a doctor so please do not take my word for everything written here.

Clomid: Clomid is what a lot of doctors first start with when fertility problems arise. Clomid is a drug that helps women with ovulation problems or even Infertility problems. Doctors will  often start off with a low dosage then see how your cycles react to the medication. For us we used the lowest dosage of 50 mg. We did manage to get pregnant once on it.

Progesterone: Progesterone is something that is very important when it comes to sustaining a pregnancy. When you ovulate your progesterone should go up. This is also when you notice a big thermal shift in your chart. The progesterone should stay up (temperature up) until 12 Days past your ovulation. If it is less then that on a regular basis this is known as a Leutal Phase Defect. Progesterone supplements are often given to women with this problem so that their bodies don't shed the lining before the egg has time to implant. Some women can just have a lower then normal progesterone. If that's the case and is noted in previous losses then they will put you on progesterone supplements 3 days past ovulation so that the progesterone stays nice and high sustaining the pregnancy.

Lupron- This is an injectable drug. It is a Ovulation suppressing drug. This helps the RE's have a bit more control over when your eggs release. When they're ready for the release they'll use a trigger shot of HCG.

Gonal-  This is an injectable drug that is used to help facilitate in stimulating your follicles that carry the eggs for the IUI procedure.

hCG (trigger shot) -  Injectable used either a few days or the night before IUI to promote ovulation. This will cause a false pregnancy test. A lot of women choose to use pregnancy tests to see when the drug is out of their system so they know when the next positive they see isn't the drug.

Lovenox- I've been given this injecatable to take 3 days after the IUI. The Lovenox is often given to women with immune deficiencies. Or women with multiple losses. I wasn't tested for immune deficiencies, but I think at this point we're assuming something along those lines. The RE prefers to just do the Cocktail which won't hurt me but will help with sustaining a pregnancy. It is a blood thinner and women who end up pregnant may have to take the drug up to 36 weeks pregnant.

hCG Mixture- I'm given this also because of our losses. I'll have to take it if we get a pregnancy test and continue the injections until 10 weeks pregnant. From my understanding like the Lovenox it helps with sustaining a pregnancy. 

As you can see I'm on what many like to call the cocktail. I am not however doing Clomid. In Clomids place we are using the injectable method with Lupron and Gonal.

For anyone interested here is my IUI protocol:

Here is our IUI protocol:

Pre - IUI
CD 5 to Trigger -
Gonal 75 units
Lupron 5 units
Baby aspirin (have been on for a few months now)
Metformin (have been on for a few months now)

Interlipid therapy (1x every 4 weeks)

Trigger shot

Post IUI
3DPIUI
- Progestrone
- Lovenox (if pregnant will continue until 36 weeks)

If Positive Pregnancy test.
- Progesterone (12 Weeks)
- Baby Aspirin (36 weeks)
- Metformin (12 weeks)
- hCG shot (Novarel) (10 weeks)
- Lovenox (28 or 36 weeks)

The injections don't really hurt. I think it's getting over the entire "I'm sticking a needle in myself" that is the toughest hurdle. Which to me was fine after my first day. My husband has actually wanted to take an active role and I've had him fill the needles and he's been doing my injections. While some may find it odd I like it because it feels like we're basically doing this together. Makes him feel like he's helping, which he is in so many ways.

Today I went in for our follicle scan and it showed I had one follicle at 16 mm on the left and one 11 mm follicle on the right. A few other small ones but I'm hoping for at least 2 solid follicles by Saturday :) 16 is a great size already :) so grow Follies GROW!!

IUI will be on Saturday and I'm so fricken excited. I realize we probably won't get pregnant on our first try but a girl can hope <3

I will let you know how

3rd time is not always a charm. But there is hope.

A quick update to all,

Paul and I managed to get pregnant again last month. Only 2 months after our previous loss. To our dismay we also lost that baby early like the rest. This go around my strength is greater then ever. It didn't impact me like I thought it would, I think it's partially due to trying to disconnect myself emotionally in case it came out bad.

My husband and I are tired of waiting and want to do everything in our power to have our take home baby. With that we decided that we'd start into IUI this cycle provided our levels and everything looked ok at CNY Fertility.

We went into CNY on Monday, and we had the pleasure of meeting with Dr. Kiltz. This man I swear to you could light up a room with his smile and energy. After experiencing our third loss he had that stubborn determination as I had. This man was born to help women and couples get their greatest wish of conceiving. I have gained so much positivity from him and a sense of determination I was afraid had been driven off after our first loss.

Rejuvenated and ready, we're excited to start these new steps while always recognizing our little angels that got us here.

Much love to all of you. Your support and love through all of this is greatly appreciated. You're the backbone to our strength

Tears of grief

Thought I'd share what I was working on to put in our scrap book. For the little one we lost on Monday.

This was our digital confirmation at 12dpo and the beautiful flowers my best friend gave to us. Today is a bad day Where I've been crying more then anything, trying to read, trying to knit.. I find myself pacing the house.. lost like I did back in January.. I'm looking for things to just take my mind off of this second loss. It comes in these quick waves and Paul is always there to just give me a big hug.

Truth is I'm scared of this coming Friday. Friday I will be put through some pain HSG and inside I feel like it's just too early to have someone prodding down there, but I know if I don't have it done now that's one more month we're not trying come September when our first pregnancy would have been due... Something inside me feels like it'll be this compounded moment where I'm almost sure grief will hit strongest then. Not to mention Paul isn't allowed in the room with me which makes my anxiety 1000x's higher. I'm angry, hurt, pissed off, sad, depressed and trying to work on myself. We are calling CNY fertility to see if they can get us in touch with a grief counselor who specializes in infertility combined with losses. I'm in serious need of help and truth is I don't think anything I do right now will help us and me get past this. I can feel that dark dark place returning and I'm trying to run as fast as possible from it. I don't want to be bitter for another 3 months, I don't want to have to hide from all things pregnancy both with my online support groups and IRL. I want to learn how to just deal with it and not have it affect me so so much like this. I realize we just lost the baby so I'm hoping with time it'll lessen. But right now we really need to be honest and say a counselor is what's really needed.

Letters to you

July 10th: Today is a bright and rather HOT day. Seemingly though nothing is breaking my stride or happiness. Today you were confirmed to be growing. We officially heard there is hope to seeing you on the horizon.

At work my glow was just hard to contain, your father had that side grin that I love so much when I told him the blood test came back positive. Only after I made it seem like gloomy news. I know it may not have been the best thing to do but to see him light up the way he did it made my heart flutter.

We've been closer since hearing the positive news. Your father kisses my belly already speaking to you and letting you know we're cheering you on. Your Uncle Mark gave us both big hugs and said your dad made a touch down.
Me? I'm a little tired, but I'll take anything that comes with being pregnant to ensure you're in my arms at the end of this journey. We're in a state of shock and euphoria.

The office we've already discussed will become your nursery and we have plans to ask the Landlord if we can paint it just for you, so it can be more homey for the next little bit.

As I sit on the couch writing this, I just want you to know you give us so much hope, bring us so much love already. I want to protect you from the world. But you have to do me one favor.. please keep safe, please keep growing.

July 11th: So we're in between blood tests and I'm still nervous. You're never truly out of the dark until the first trimester is over (which is about 3 months I believe). I'm a bit obsessive with taking pregnancy tests right now. But can you blame me for wanting to make sure you're ok? It's the only real way I know you're safe even though right now how this plays out is out of my control. I think so far I've taken 3 tests today alone all of which were darker then yesterdays. The hope is growing each day. Your Aunt Savannah and Abe came over today, she brought flowers, that's an understatement. She gave us the most beautiful flower arrangement I've ever seen. She's such an amazing person, so very maternal and I know when you meet her one day you'll love her and Uncle Mark as much as your mom and dad do. She gave you all sorts of kisses and rubs of reassurance. I hope you felt them :) She's so excited to meet you little bambino. As are we. Be safe my love.

July 12th: The news is hopeful but there's a hint of sadness in the air. We had our second blood test done and our numbers went up but they didn't double as we had hoped. Your mom is loosing a little bit of hope. I don't want to loose you if I can do anything right now to ensure those numbers double I will. For now we have to wait until the 16th to get another blood test to see what your future holds. Hopefully it'll be in our arms. Today I've been dizzy on and off and to say I've been mildly distracted from work would probably be an understatement right now. With the help of an on-line support group they've lifted my spirits and are helping me stay positive that you will be ok and we'll get to see you in March of 2013. Tomorrow we tell grandma and grandpa as a way to show how hopeful we are. We'll give them a picture of myself and your father taken at your Uncle Orrin's and Aunt Erika's wedding. It'll have "Great Parents are promoted to Grandparents .. in 9 months" I'm hoping we can tape it but we'll have to wait and see.

July 13th : We told your Grandma and Grandpa B they were so so so excited. Lots of hugs were had and a little champagne drank in your honor. I only had a tiny sip but couldn't miss out on such an amazing toast. I've noticed you're making me have little cramps... cramp away my dear, anything for you. The days aren't going by fast enough so we can see how you're doing. For now these pregnancy tests will have to do.

July 14th: What a wedding, I was dizzy for some portion of it. But your father and I shared a few very magical dances together. He suck in a few belly rubs while he was at it. Today we told your Uncle Orrin and Aunt Erika. Your uncle picked me up (Mom's a little on the heavy side so I was shocked he was able to do that) and gave me and your dad lots of kisses. They are such amazing people, who you will be so blessed to call your family. I'm a titch worried because the tests today are a little lighter, your father assures me everything is fine. I will continue to believe that.

July 15th: The test line is barely there. I'm in silent tears right now as we ride back to Maryland with your Grandmother and Grandfather. I told your father we should start preparing ourselves. I'm just not ready to hear what will happen tomorrow. I just have this dreadful feeling. A pit in my stomach that wont go away. So for now I'll put on fake smiles, I won't jump to conclusions until we hear about the results tomorrow.

July 16: And like that... you were gone. I took half the day off work and went home to grieve your passing. Know that I loved you even though we never met. I wanted to keep you safe from harm. I just wish I could have done something. Your father and I held each other you gave us hope, and perhaps your passing will not be in vein.. perhaps it has shed light onto something that may be wrong with me. We will speak to the nurse in about 20 minutes. But for now.. for now we cry.

Live, Laugh, Love and Heal

While in the midst of sorrow we have found a ray of light. Recently, as in the past few days, we experienced another miscarriage.

Sadness is still in my soul and the healing seems to be a bit harder then last time. This time we got a little further. We had 2 confirmed positive blood tests and I'd be lying if I didn't say my heart lept so so high in the sky. But I was noticeably more reserved then I was last time. This time I didn't cry because I saw the two lines, I immediately went onto step 2 of worrying thinking "Lines just keep getting darker." the thought of loss was always in the back of my mind. Yet we still told our parents. At only 4 1/2 weeks we said goodbye to our second child.
I started writing letters to him/her those I may share in the coming weeks as the healing takes over. For now I'm in a state of being comfortably numb with the varying spurts of crying. (which I'll say I don't very much enjoy). Both my husband and I have these moments where grief just overcomes us and we just have to stand still for a moment. Through all of this my rock as been my husband. Very attentive and overall in my mind going above and beyond his duties as a husband. His love just makes me light up.

Being pregnant was euphoric, I mean you can't help but really start thinking about the future. One of my nearest and dearest best friends came to our house after we privately told her about our news of being pregnant. Her unselfish ways made me weep on the inside. Admittedly I wondered how someone would be so kind so caring about our new journey when I had to step away from hers while I healed. Part of me felt exceedingly guilty for letting my selfish needs ahead of such a joyful occasion. Seeing the care, the love, the wonderful flowers how truly excited she was... just made me realized how blessed I am to have people like her in mine and my husbands life. When you find people like that, NEVER let them go. They are a true gem not to be taken for granted.
We also told my husbands brother and our SIL. I got such a huge hug a leap of joy from them. I was crushed when we had to tell them a mere 2 days later we lost the baby. Honestly I couldn't keep the excitement in and even given the outcome I think I'd still tell them and our parents. Their support through another one of our losses has been a monumental stepping block on our path to healing.
This time hurt a lot more then the last, but this time we have more hope then ever. Pregnant 2 times in 6 months, something has to be working. Now we just need to tweak a few other things.
Testing for a few other things will be done this month along with a procedure to ensure I have open tubes called an HSG. From what I hear it's not entirely pleasant but I know in this life time I'll experience worse, and if it helps us on the way to having our child in our arms.
We had the chance to speak with the specialist over the phone yesterday. I truly think his approach and what he said has helped give us the tools to heal. Whether he knows it or not we really needed to hear the next steps. We needed that radiant positivity in how he spoke to us and our future take home child.

There was one thing that stuck out during our 20 minute conversation. It wasn't about the test we'd do or how we'd go on to do IUI come September, it was his question about our belief in 'god'. I went silent for a moment then said "My husband does, yes." Then came something I wasn't entirely expecting. "Amanda, you don't believe in god?" "No I don't." "You don't believe in a higher power." I sat for a moment and thought 'what do I believe?' I answered him "I believe in being." He loved the answer then went on to say that we, each of us are god. That we have the power to shape our future, thoughts and overall way of life. The innate ability to believe in ourselves and our overall abilities is at many times lost. It's to me easier to believe in another individual, then to truly find belief in ourselves. What he said to us was literally mind blowing. He asked again "who was god." I joyfully answer "ME!" ... "Well every individual is their own god." hahaha
We are taking this month off to not only just enjoy each other and learn new ways of becoming healthier both mind, body and spirit, but also to enjoy our trip to the Dominican. I can't think of a better reset point then to go away with the man I love and pamper ourselves like we deserve right now.

September opens the doors to a new set of possibilities and hopefully a pending new family member.
We are grateful for CNY Fertility and Dr. Kiltz's help. We look forward to the future which at one point looked glim to us. Thank you for restoring our hope and FAITH in one another and this journey.

"Everything Happens for a reason"

I have woven a parachute out of everything broken.  ~William Stafford

Sometimes we have bad days and other times we have amazing days. During those tough times we find ourselves seeking comfort, I think we in some small way are looking for the answers to our problems. Almost as if someone magically saying "You're going to be pregnant this month." overrides any medical explained or unexplained problems.

When I get in these funks I often seek councel of those who best understand what I'm going through, be it my husband or my online support group. I go to these places to avoid the clique sayings, I go there because it's where realism is sought and fantasys put on the back burner.

During these 3 years I've been greeted with the following phrase more times then I really like to hear it. "Everything happens for a reason." Just writing it twice now has made me cringe. I used to take complete solace from that statement, and I think it was because nothing truly horrifying had happened to me in those days. Certainly nothing horrible enough to make me question it. After you greet a personal death and go through struggles that you have completely NO control over no matter what you do, or how hard you try. That phrase starts to carry a bit more weight and pack one heck of a punch when said as a means to console you.

I used to believed everything happened for a reason, until 'everything' happened to us. This however is not to be mistaken with falling off the horse and getting back on. I'm hell bent on getting pregnant (although I know it may not happen for us). Do I think I'm a stronger women for all of this? Perhaps. Do I know more then ever realize how carefully words should be chosen in any situation? Yes. But I cannot for the life of me ever agree that our MC happened for a reason. That we had been trying for close to 3 years at that point, only to have a BFP and a miscarriage 3 days later. Saying "it happened for a reason." makes me want to get sick. 

Now, I certainly don't mind if others live by this motto (to help motivate themselves) or if it's something that helps them keep on trucking. Because hey we all have to have that one thing that helps us reset if we've had a horrible day with regards to TTC. Its whatever helps a person cope with the situation. I can certainly respect that. 

My problem with it is , when I hear others using it as a means to console someone. Because while that 'phrase' helps them (the person offering the support). What you've essentially just told that person was. "This was meant to happen to you, it was fate." So essentially telling the person that the person they lost, the baby they'll never hold in their arms, the terrible natural disaster that just demolished a city, was 'meant to happen'. While it is often well meant it's not well met by the receivers of such 'support'. It overall is a very hurtful and very unhelpful thing to say to someone. And makes a person even more depressed that this was some how deserved.


I'm still waiting on a 'reason' of why it's taken us this long to get pregnant, why we had an Miscarriage, and why we have to spend thousands of dollars just to extend our hope of one day conceiving. .....
.
...
.....
Still waiting