While in the midst of sorrow we have found a ray of light. Recently, as in the past few days, we experienced another miscarriage.
Sadness is still in my soul and the healing seems to be a bit harder then last time. This time we got a little further. We had 2 confirmed positive blood tests and I'd be lying if I didn't say my heart lept so so high in the sky. But I was noticeably more reserved then I was last time. This time I didn't cry because I saw the two lines, I immediately went onto step 2 of worrying thinking "Lines just keep getting darker." the thought of loss was always in the back of my mind. Yet we still told our parents. At only 4 1/2 weeks we said goodbye to our second child.
I started writing letters to him/her those I may share in the coming weeks as the healing takes over. For now I'm in a state of being comfortably numb with the varying spurts of crying. (which I'll say I don't very much enjoy). Both my husband and I have these moments where grief just overcomes us and we just have to stand still for a moment. Through all of this my rock as been my husband. Very attentive and overall in my mind going above and beyond his duties as a husband. His love just makes me light up.
Being pregnant was euphoric, I mean you can't help but really start thinking about the future. One of my nearest and dearest best friends came to our house after we privately told her about our news of being pregnant. Her unselfish ways made me weep on the inside. Admittedly I wondered how someone would be so kind so caring about our new journey when I had to step away from hers while I healed. Part of me felt exceedingly guilty for letting my selfish needs ahead of such a joyful occasion. Seeing the care, the love, the wonderful flowers how truly excited she was... just made me realized how blessed I am to have people like her in mine and my husbands life. When you find people like that, NEVER let them go. They are a true gem not to be taken for granted.
We also told my husbands brother and our SIL. I got such a huge hug a leap of joy from them. I was crushed when we had to tell them a mere 2 days later we lost the baby. Honestly I couldn't keep the excitement in and even given the outcome I think I'd still tell them and our parents. Their support through another one of our losses has been a monumental stepping block on our path to healing.
This time hurt a lot more then the last, but this time we have more hope then ever. Pregnant 2 times in 6 months, something has to be working. Now we just need to tweak a few other things.
Testing for a few other things will be done this month along with a procedure to ensure I have open tubes called an HSG. From what I hear it's not entirely pleasant but I know in this life time I'll experience worse, and if it helps us on the way to having our child in our arms.
We had the chance to speak with the specialist over the phone yesterday. I truly think his approach and what he said has helped give us the tools to heal. Whether he knows it or not we really needed to hear the next steps. We needed that radiant positivity in how he spoke to us and our future take home child.
There was one thing that stuck out during our 20 minute conversation. It wasn't about the test we'd do or how we'd go on to do IUI come September, it was his question about our belief in 'god'. I went silent for a moment then said "My husband does, yes." Then came something I wasn't entirely expecting. "Amanda, you don't believe in god?" "No I don't." "You don't believe in a higher power." I sat for a moment and thought 'what do I believe?' I answered him "I believe in being." He loved the answer then went on to say that we, each of us are god. That we have the power to shape our future, thoughts and overall way of life. The innate ability to believe in ourselves and our overall abilities is at many times lost. It's to me easier to believe in another individual, then to truly find belief in ourselves. What he said to us was literally mind blowing. He asked again "who was god." I joyfully answer "ME!" ... "Well every individual is their own god." hahaha
We are taking this month off to not only just enjoy each other and learn new ways of becoming healthier both mind, body and spirit, but also to enjoy our trip to the Dominican. I can't think of a better reset point then to go away with the man I love and pamper ourselves like we deserve right now.
September opens the doors to a new set of possibilities and hopefully a pending new family member.
We are grateful for CNY Fertility and Dr. Kiltz's help. We look forward to the future which at one point looked glim to us. Thank you for restoring our hope and FAITH in one another and this journey.
Sadness is still in my soul and the healing seems to be a bit harder then last time. This time we got a little further. We had 2 confirmed positive blood tests and I'd be lying if I didn't say my heart lept so so high in the sky. But I was noticeably more reserved then I was last time. This time I didn't cry because I saw the two lines, I immediately went onto step 2 of worrying thinking "Lines just keep getting darker." the thought of loss was always in the back of my mind. Yet we still told our parents. At only 4 1/2 weeks we said goodbye to our second child.
I started writing letters to him/her those I may share in the coming weeks as the healing takes over. For now I'm in a state of being comfortably numb with the varying spurts of crying. (which I'll say I don't very much enjoy). Both my husband and I have these moments where grief just overcomes us and we just have to stand still for a moment. Through all of this my rock as been my husband. Very attentive and overall in my mind going above and beyond his duties as a husband. His love just makes me light up.
Being pregnant was euphoric, I mean you can't help but really start thinking about the future. One of my nearest and dearest best friends came to our house after we privately told her about our news of being pregnant. Her unselfish ways made me weep on the inside. Admittedly I wondered how someone would be so kind so caring about our new journey when I had to step away from hers while I healed. Part of me felt exceedingly guilty for letting my selfish needs ahead of such a joyful occasion. Seeing the care, the love, the wonderful flowers how truly excited she was... just made me realized how blessed I am to have people like her in mine and my husbands life. When you find people like that, NEVER let them go. They are a true gem not to be taken for granted.
We also told my husbands brother and our SIL. I got such a huge hug a leap of joy from them. I was crushed when we had to tell them a mere 2 days later we lost the baby. Honestly I couldn't keep the excitement in and even given the outcome I think I'd still tell them and our parents. Their support through another one of our losses has been a monumental stepping block on our path to healing.
This time hurt a lot more then the last, but this time we have more hope then ever. Pregnant 2 times in 6 months, something has to be working. Now we just need to tweak a few other things.
Testing for a few other things will be done this month along with a procedure to ensure I have open tubes called an HSG. From what I hear it's not entirely pleasant but I know in this life time I'll experience worse, and if it helps us on the way to having our child in our arms.
We had the chance to speak with the specialist over the phone yesterday. I truly think his approach and what he said has helped give us the tools to heal. Whether he knows it or not we really needed to hear the next steps. We needed that radiant positivity in how he spoke to us and our future take home child.
There was one thing that stuck out during our 20 minute conversation. It wasn't about the test we'd do or how we'd go on to do IUI come September, it was his question about our belief in 'god'. I went silent for a moment then said "My husband does, yes." Then came something I wasn't entirely expecting. "Amanda, you don't believe in god?" "No I don't." "You don't believe in a higher power." I sat for a moment and thought 'what do I believe?' I answered him "I believe in being." He loved the answer then went on to say that we, each of us are god. That we have the power to shape our future, thoughts and overall way of life. The innate ability to believe in ourselves and our overall abilities is at many times lost. It's to me easier to believe in another individual, then to truly find belief in ourselves. What he said to us was literally mind blowing. He asked again "who was god." I joyfully answer "ME!" ... "Well every individual is their own god." hahaha
We are taking this month off to not only just enjoy each other and learn new ways of becoming healthier both mind, body and spirit, but also to enjoy our trip to the Dominican. I can't think of a better reset point then to go away with the man I love and pamper ourselves like we deserve right now.
September opens the doors to a new set of possibilities and hopefully a pending new family member.
We are grateful for CNY Fertility and Dr. Kiltz's help. We look forward to the future which at one point looked glim to us. Thank you for restoring our hope and FAITH in one another and this journey.
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