Tears of grief

Thought I'd share what I was working on to put in our scrap book. For the little one we lost on Monday.

This was our digital confirmation at 12dpo and the beautiful flowers my best friend gave to us. Today is a bad day Where I've been crying more then anything, trying to read, trying to knit.. I find myself pacing the house.. lost like I did back in January.. I'm looking for things to just take my mind off of this second loss. It comes in these quick waves and Paul is always there to just give me a big hug.

Truth is I'm scared of this coming Friday. Friday I will be put through some pain HSG and inside I feel like it's just too early to have someone prodding down there, but I know if I don't have it done now that's one more month we're not trying come September when our first pregnancy would have been due... Something inside me feels like it'll be this compounded moment where I'm almost sure grief will hit strongest then. Not to mention Paul isn't allowed in the room with me which makes my anxiety 1000x's higher. I'm angry, hurt, pissed off, sad, depressed and trying to work on myself. We are calling CNY fertility to see if they can get us in touch with a grief counselor who specializes in infertility combined with losses. I'm in serious need of help and truth is I don't think anything I do right now will help us and me get past this. I can feel that dark dark place returning and I'm trying to run as fast as possible from it. I don't want to be bitter for another 3 months, I don't want to have to hide from all things pregnancy both with my online support groups and IRL. I want to learn how to just deal with it and not have it affect me so so much like this. I realize we just lost the baby so I'm hoping with time it'll lessen. But right now we really need to be honest and say a counselor is what's really needed.