Make the best of every moment

This is so very true especially right now. My grandfather had 2 strokes in the past month. I've been battling with myself internally for a while now just over come with emotions from everything that December has thrown at us.

We came home earlier to see my grandfather in the hospital. Nothing hurt more then to see your grandfather sitting there with this blank stare.

His stroke caused a lot of cognitive damage. He was decent when we first saw him. At a glance it would seem all was the same. Then you started to pick up on little things. How he'd not know words, how upset he'd get. If you were talking to someone else he'd perk up like you were speaking to him. The therapist said he can fool all of us into thinking he knows what's going on, when really he doesn't.

My grandfather has always been a conversation starter. When we sat there I was stuck I didn't know what to say. In my head I didn't know if mentioning anything from the past would be forgotten, or if I mentioned the present I didn't know if he'd even realize who I was.

Our family was extremely blessed to have him home for christmas. He reminded me of a lost puppy. His hand clasped to my grandmothers at all times.

His comfort was in her and her alone. It was sweet yet so sad to watch. His blank stare seemed worse at christmas but at least he was there.

Today we heard that he is getting worse each day. Before at least he'd remember daily on goings. Today he forgot my brother visited only 3 hours prior. Then come to find he hadn't noticed my grandmother coming to visit (3 times a day) he actually though he was visited by a man. ( My brother asked him if he'd seen my grandmother when he went to visit him.)

I've never had to go through this with a grandparent as I was to young to understand when my grandmother passed away more then 18 years ago. It's tough to think/ know that the man you once knew will probably never come back. Again at least he's still with us. I will never say that is a bad thing. But it sucks to see a 'shell' of the man you once knew. To see him so helpless and know you are a bystander who can't do anything in anyway to help him get better.

This christmas really showed me the value in the word family. I always knew it but this Christmas I FELT it. It was a comfort blanket that set my heart at ease. This is one Christmas I will truly never forget.

I hope you were all blessed to spend the Holidays with those you loved. Remember that each day is a gift. Tomorrow is never promised. So tell those you love that you love them each chance that you get. They deserve to know they are loved and you deserve to give that love and know what it feels like.

Sometimes we need to be our own worst critics.

First and foremost MERRY CHRISTMAS!


So it begins
Sometimes we get so wrapped up in me me me and what we want that it really starts to consume our life and our emotions. Well at least for me it did.

We'd all like life to go as planned, and happen on the DAY we want it to. When we don't we get upset or aggravated when really we shouldn't. I used to be so great with being grateful for what I do have instead of what I don't.

I'm ashamed to say I've really let go of that mentality. This baby journey has made me extremely sour towards the topic. Especially when you see those close to you get the one thing you wanted most. Coming to the realization that it's poisoned your ability to be happy for others is perhaps what stung the most.

If I'm brutally honest with others, I should be no exception to that right?

Well my 2 closest friends are now pregnant within 2 weeks of each other. The first one I responded with joy and utter excitement. After the second told me I responded with joy and excitement then after the phone hung up I broke down. I'm not talking about shedding a few tears I'm talking about a good hour cry. Why did it upset me so much? I felt guilty but I think it was very important to realize what exactly the tears were for. Those tears weren't out of sadness because someone else got pregnant. It was out of frustration that I couldn't give my husband the one thing we've been working at. I was reminded of how less of a women I felt because of this. It was a mixture of feelings but deep down inside a tiny bit was out of jealousy and I'm utterly ashamed of that fact.

I've had to do a ton of self evaluation and really realize how much this was consuming my life and my ability to be overall happy. I don't want this to consume my life or take away from me actually being able to just live. I'm in a way glad that I've finally come to this realization. It's already started to have a positive effect on life over all.

My new years resolution is to find the positive in any situation. Be grateful for what life gives you and don't dwell on what you don't have.

Health progress...

What is that? ;) I'm getting back to weight watchers after the new years. Once the visa process gets done I'll be getting a year membership to a gym and really get cracking on it. Till then I don't think it's realistic to really think I'll loose any weight till then. I am going to concentrate better on what I'm eating. But it's the holidays and I'm enjoying it :D


In other news
My pain from my cyst went away for the first few months after the surgery. The pain came back this month and my family doctor thinks it may be another one forming. We spoke about the surgery and she said the surgeon said they removed a 8cm cyst instead of the 5cm we thought I had. I am counting my blessings as I could have had to have my ovary removed. So now we're going to stay on top of this one and if the pain persists I'll get another ultrasound done in February. Other than that everything is good.

Christmas was simply amazing. Getting to spend it with family is a blessing on it's own. I was spoiled and and am very grateful for all the cards we received from family and friends this year. I have to get on some thank you cards to those we didn't send cards to this year. It was great to see my nephews both dressed up in their christmas attire. So very adorable :) Children always manage to make the holidays a bit more magical. It was the perk up our family needed. :D

I hope everyone had a very cheerful and Merry Christmas. For those who don't celebrate I hope you had a wonderful day none the less :D

Update on "Uggh" Post.

Thought I'd share what I started today :) Very happy with what I have done so far. Again it's something I thought up while I was back in Canada. It's still got loads of work but for about an hours worth of work. I'm satisfied :D

UGH! Why is it such a struggle?

Life has certainly had an abundance of changes in only a month. Most of them all in a positive direction.

I spent last month with family and truly loved every moment of it. My little nephews never failed to make me smile. Now there were times that I wished I was with my husband. Who am I kidding I wished every moment that I was with him. But alas we can't always have what we 'want'.

Health Progress

I kept up with my work outs for a mere 7 days then got set back and overall am in a rut. I am sitting here trying to analyze what small steps I can take to make it stick just to make it so I don't always end up back tracking. Logically I say to myself "All of that work for nothing!" The other half of me just sticks it's tongue out. This is truly trying and I'll be honest I'm at my wits end in this department.


Yesterday I got back to the house and did a major overhaul of the house. We live in this small one bedroom home and well you have to get creative with space and how you use it. It felt nice to get everything cleaned put in its place, and some boxes consolidated.

Our 2 foot christmas tree was put up and decorated much to my surprise it looks pretty darn good :) *goes to turn on the lights*

Happy Announcements

I received a phone call from one of my best friends to hear that she and her husband are expecting their first child. My heart lept but in a good way. She had been trying for a bit (well only 4 months) but still trying none the less. I'm beyond thrilled that she's got what she wanted for a while now. I'm holding fast that it will happen for us when the times right. At times I wish "can it please be now already.". The other half of me thinks Maybe this is good as I need to find some sort of focus/nich in life before I complicate things further. I'm realistic and I know you can't ever have all of your ducks in a row but I feel at least some kind of a direction is best.

I also found out that my other best friend will be having a Stag and Doe after her 2 showers we just put on. So with that I sadly can't go next March to her stag. Reason being its an 8 hr drive among other things that will be explained. Hard to also get all that time off for the wedding, the stag and the visa.

Visa fun

The visa process is slowly getting closer to being over with. Anywhere from Jan-March I could be told I have my interview. Which is non negotiable and is in montreal. After that I have my best friends wedding, then I have my other best friends baby shower which I with honor am throwing. So 2011 has so much going on in a 'stressful' but happy way. Nothing better than seeing others advance in their lives and happiness.

Right now

Disney Movies are playing and I'm wondering what I should do. I came up with an amazing art idea that I would love to do. OR I can take a book and start into a new journey of someone elses life. (gotta love those romance novel.) I find myself looking at the clock and wondering where the time goes.

Oh also I have taken an interest in learning how to QUilt. EEKKK I know eh... My husband made a very true statement to me that I go out and buy supplies for something then only do it for a week. Dear gosh I wish I'd just find something I'd like to do all the time. Perhaps this is why having a job is a good thing? It gives you a definite route and purpose. "Do this and this and this." there's no guess work.

Much like my other posts you'll find that this post lacks so much focus it isn't even funny.

In Conclusion
Can someone please come to my rescue and make suggestions on things to do with my weight problems and perhaps my creative wrecklesness lol.

"People Come into your life for a reason, season, or a life time" General thoughts

I wrote this a while ago but thought I'd share with you all today.

"People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime."
This is a quote that I have heard many times. Every time I hear it I seem to relate more and more with it. As you get to a point in your life especially with love you look back on the past and start to notice certain things. The people who were in your life at the time they were you realize what an impact they had on you. And yes this is even referring to the pain and heartache. Relationships are a game of chance. Some times you get lucky the first time around while others have to go through 5 or more relationships to finally settle on what it is they truly need in a boyfriend, girlfriend or friend. Every person teaches us something about ourselves be it if we're too trusting, don't' love enough, are very caring and some times too honest, or that we shouldn't wear our hearts on our sleeve. Regardless it's like testing the waters to see who we fit with and who fits into our lives, our ideals and who gives us that positive life that we're looking for. With myself I have learned that I like to have different types of friends. I have extreme friends, meaning those who have strong opinions and are set in their ways while on the other spectrum I have soft and shy friends, who aren't outspoken agree with what you say and try not to hurt you or pry into your life.

We only learn this through Trials and tribulations. Love is another thing. I had dated tall 'bad boys' all my life and I guess I never realized it till I was with my husband that the bad boys just weren't working. I learned that it's ok to love but sometimes that others aren't as open to that love as I was. While others have taught me that trust is a thing earned never given right away. But with any situation we learn and we grow. The pain sucks but it helps build our characters help shape us into who we are, our ideals of who we actually want in our life etc. They perhaps bring things out of us we never knew was there. One of my Exes turned me onto writing which in turn really helped to release my more creative side that I never really addressed before then. Without that 'inspiration' I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing now.

I'm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. I appreciate everyone that's been in my life for they've thought me a lesson one way or another.

Just thought I'd share :)

Just Keep Swimming

Health Progress
I just finished day 2 of the 30 day shred. I must say it was all due to some heavy coaxing on my own part. It's so hard to get motivated at times especially the day after a work out when your muscles feel it.

I woke up with all sorts of soreness going on it made me feel rather 'blah'. But what I did was turned on a good movie and started my workout. If I can manage to forget that I'm' working out for majority of the time, it actually goes by fast. By the time the video reached the end I was a bit astonished, and it wasn't as bad as my mind made it seem to be when I woke up this morning.

Again I can't reiterate enough how satisfying it feels after you've finished a work out. It's never as bad as you think it is. Most of the time the amount of time you spend talking yourself out of working out you could have already been done. So with that I'm proud of myself for finishing day 2. I'm going to take this one day as it comes. Day 3 will be hard to get in with 2 bridal showers I have going on. But I can only hope that I will be motivated to do stick to this.

Creativity
For my creative project today I will be doing a bit of my blanket that I started right after surgery. Here's what it looked liked after Day 2 of knitting for a little while


It's gotten a bit bigger since then. So I'm going to do a bit more work on that. While I do that I will be having some nice hot tea :)

Post Surgery Update

Surgery Update

The surgery went fantastic. Everything went very smoothly and according to plan. The day of I was very calm. The drive there I was a bit of an internal mess but once I got into the hospital bed everything subsided. I was given fluids but the IV was hard for them to find in my arm so they went for my hand again. The nurses were so amazing. They had a good chuckle because I had to keep my iv on a rolling rod. I seriously went to the washroom every 20 minutes. They also gave me a medicine to prevent me from getting sick (as I told them I've had problems with anesthesia before)

When it came time for me to go in I gave my husband a kiss and hug and gave a nod to my mother in law. I remember going into the room. It was a titch fuzzy but I still remember it. Next thing I vaguely remember was them telling me to cough. Later come to find out it was because of the tube they had down my throat. Something tells me it's better I don't entirely remember that part. The next thing I do remember is yelling for a nurse to bring me something so I could get sick. I got sick about twice but that was really it.

The pain well that was a bit unbearable. Frankly it sucked. Especially driving back home the hour drive. Getting in and out of bed was my biggest obstacle for the next week along with being able to stand up for longer then 5 minutes. I seemed to get the worst dizzy spells and the shower that night was horrible. I was in the shower for probably 5 minutes then started shaking. My husband had to help me on the ground certainly wasn't fun. Recovery was rather speedy though so I can't complain about the few days of major pain.

The Doctor said everything went well and there was no endometriosis. The cyst was bigger than my uterus but besides that everything was working perfectly.



Health Progress
Well with no surprise after the surgery I really fell of track. I had 2 weeks of recovery then I just got lazy. I'll admit I tried to pull every excuse out of my hat.

I found myself going back to the old "I'll start my diet/work out tomorrow." Do you know how many 'tomorrow's' I wasted saying that? Too many. In my gut i know that it may not be the last time I do this to myself either.

SO today I said enough was enough. I got the weights out and started my Day 1 of the 30 Day shred. My legs are feeling a little like jello but besides that it felt really good. I don't understand why I don't work out all the time, because the feeling you get of accomplishment after you do it is so euphoric. Guess it's just a battle of reminding myself of that eh?

I realize this is a shorter update but I will do a more thorough one tomorrow after Day 2 is done ;)