Many would presume that after battling infertility for 4 years and finally getting our take home daughter that I would have just 'moved on' from what happened over the past 4 years. I find some times even in the 'company' of fellow strugglers I'm made to feel like I still shouldn't be having the feelings I do about infertility. Not that it's ever said out right but it's like people can move on. It kind of feels like infertility isolation all over again.
I have to be honest with you all here and now, infertility I don't feel is something you move on from, ever... At least it's certainly not the case for me, nor do you ever really move on from the loss, but that's another post for another day. INfertility for me is something that has and will stay with me, forever. My daughter will know what it took, she'll understand what so few people come to understand about infertility, partially because of the taboo nature of it all. Quick pregnancies still get me in the feelers, I still get that heart jumping in my throat reaction, I don't think about it, it just happens. Frankly after 4 years of it I don't know if that'll ever fully lessen, nor do I feel it really should because I still feel that way for our journey and for others who are still struggling.
I still have days where I feel bitter, I have days where I feel outright angry at our situation and what happened. How our life with our little girl was delayed for so long. I still have 'why me' days. Do you ever truly get over one of the hardest life struggles my family has faced? I have to say no, and I also want to say it's OKAY! It's okay that I still feel this way, it's okay that I haven't 'moved on'. How do you let something like that just go? How do you move on from something that was a HUGE part of your life, of your problems, struggles both mentally and physically throughout the years. HOW do you MOVE ON? WHY must one move on from that? Do I sit here depressed every day? Goodness no, but I don't feel for my life I'll 'move on' from this chapter in my life. It's just that, a chapter in my life, written and never erased. It'll remain to be re-read and sometimes emotions will rear their old head. What I ask is wrong with remembering and possibly at the odd time feeling that pain? I'm sure someone will find it unhealthy but I just don't feel like infertility is something you move on from. It's something that stays in your life sure it may be quieter once you find peace in whatever situation you are dealt be it a child, adoption or a life of childlessness. But I don't truly feel it's something you let go of. I feel like if I forget or move on, it's one less advocate for my friends in the struggle, one less advocate for me who did battle this disease, one less person who genuinely cares and remains mindful and down to earth to how it still hurts others to this day.
I think sometimes I feel almost anger that there has to be this division. That some expect you to be 'over it' once you get your child or come to peace with your family numbers as the are. That once that happens you shouldn't be talking about it any more. You shouldn't feel the need to be upset any more or be respectful the way you wanted those to be respectful towards you when it was all to hard to sometimes even go to baby showers for others or see new babies. (The only thing I'm bad at is facebook and I'm sorry for that. I do share photos of my daughter but it is because of family being far away and because well it's her and I feel I should relish in having her. However, I always feel bad when I do it. I feel bad because I feel like I'm betraying friends who are struggling. It helped when very close friends who were struggling told me they were okay with it. And I know they weren't bluffing they were being upfront and honest which I respect completely.
I do try to respect in other ways, during my pregnancy I tried to keep the posts to a minimum. For me pregnancy was always the hardest over the actual baby. I'm not sure why, still don't know why.
Sorry for this ramble but I needed to get it out. While the struggles have all be worth it to have my daughter and let me know we made it to where we are, it doesn't change what happened, what I felt and still at times feel to this day.
Infertility is a very unfair disease in a multitude of ways. Just because someone may end up having a child or come to peace with their situation doesn't mean it wasn't apart of who they were and still apart of who they are. Infertility is like a deep wound. Sure for some it may 'heal' up but the scar remains.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Monday, January 6, 2014
New Blog for Anastasia
In an effort to keep this for it's intended use I've created a new blog for Anastasia and what's going on with her as we grow with her.
I understand if some of my followers are not up to following along, admittedly it's part of the reason I made the separation. I wanted to have a place where I could keep a 'journal' of her life. While respecting what this blog is and has become.
If you'd like to catch up on our life here's the blog : Not so Simple Dimples
I will keep this blog going with various rants and rambles of infertility. I have resigned myself to the fact that for some they can easily move on, life after infertility but for me it will always be a part of who I am and was. With that I can't ever forget or really go without acknowledging feelings that still to this day linger. Some may say it's time to move on and let the past be the past. But when it's a reality for so many it's not something I'm going to let go of. I will maintain my sensitivity towards how it made me feel and how I know it makes others feel.
Infertility is still apart of me and is apart of those who I've come to care deeply for. Hugs and love to all.
I understand if some of my followers are not up to following along, admittedly it's part of the reason I made the separation. I wanted to have a place where I could keep a 'journal' of her life. While respecting what this blog is and has become.
If you'd like to catch up on our life here's the blog : Not so Simple Dimples
I will keep this blog going with various rants and rambles of infertility. I have resigned myself to the fact that for some they can easily move on, life after infertility but for me it will always be a part of who I am and was. With that I can't ever forget or really go without acknowledging feelings that still to this day linger. Some may say it's time to move on and let the past be the past. But when it's a reality for so many it's not something I'm going to let go of. I will maintain my sensitivity towards how it made me feel and how I know it makes others feel.
Infertility is still apart of me and is apart of those who I've come to care deeply for. Hugs and love to all.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Anastasia is here - Her Birth Story
I'm sorry I've been away for so long. But our baby girl is here as of
November 10th and we are simply put very much so in love with this
little girl. She's the light of our lives. Today she's 3 weeks 1 day old already!
Here's her VERY LONG Birth story. Sorry in advance for the length.
Here's her VERY LONG Birth story. Sorry in advance for the length.
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Where to start? Gosh it seems like yesterday and here we are a week past when our little angel entered into this world.
I did track a lot of little going ons on my phone, easier in the begining of labor much harder near the end
Friday - 39 weeks on the button. Friday I had a NST appointment with one of my OB's. We went and she noticed very small contractions on the monitor in a semi regular fashion. I was feeling the cramping sensation about a few hours before so I wasn't surprised.
She then said she wanted to check my progress (not something I was expecting due to having just been checked on Tuesday). She said I was a tight 3cm. Which surprised me given I was a tight 2cm. She was a little rough lol. She said that I was thinning out to a point that she was notifying our offices oncall doctor as she felt it wasn't going to be long now. I thought "Great maybe things will start happening by Sunday/ Monday and we won't need an induction." As soon as we left the offices the cramping turned into a bit of pain. So I had Paul start to time them. Since we live an hour away from the hosptial and my OB we decided to stay in town for a few hours to see what was going on. I went to Caters to pick up some outfits for my friend and or SIL as I have a feeling one of them is having a girl and I had a coupon. I was stilll having the pain and in 10 minute intervals. So Paul and I decided to go to Olive Garden. The pains were picking up to a point that I had to stop when eating and breath a bit through it. So we finally got to a point of having them 5 minutes apart and called the oncall.
My mind a bit of a 'holy crap' mode. So we went in and they had us in for observation. Again the contractions (this point they were much different) were painful and to a point of breathing through them. We got in there at 7:30. The nursing staff was really great to us. I was getting a little put off because I was having contractions but the problem was they weren't even registering on the monitor. That played so many mind tricks on me I can't even begin to explain how it made me feel. I always thought I had a high pain tolerance so the fact that these weren't even a BLIP on the screen got me thinking I was obviously a wimp and if this was just the 'tiny' start of something I was in for one hell of a wake up call. It also made me feel bad for going in although no one made me feel this way. My OB came in checked me again and even did a little stretch (OUCH!) then we got sent home. Because of how everyone was talking at the hospital I decided it was ok to continue my medication regime.
We went home and I was still contracting but nothing bad. I was tired so we went right to bed. DH was so great about all of this as I was feeling bad for having him go in with me.
11:30 - the fun really kicked into gear. I went to sleep almost right away and then I got hit with a contraction that had me out of bed so fast I almost gave Paul a heart attack. This is when I knew we were into the real deal. There was certainly no mistaking it this time. Paul helped me into the tub after an hour of the contractions. It really was nice and soothing. After about 20 minutes we decided to go back to bed. Again contractions only being about 10 minutes apart. By the time we were in bed my contractions started picking up and they were 6-5 minutes apart. Being an hour away from the hospital we figured we'd call the on call again. I waited a bit longer because frankly I didn't want to have to get sent home again. I'd really feel like an a hole then.
2:30- Paul and I start our trek into the hospital and got there around 3:30. The ride in wasn't very pleasant as contractions were worse for me sitting down.
3:30- We were again sent to observation. I was checked, still a tight 3. (By this time I was mildly annoyed no progress had been made.) They had me laying down being monitored for close to 2 hours. I again was having contractions this time some were seen on the monitor while others weren't, and my upper belly wasn't getting hard like it should. It didn't make sense to me because the pain level of the ones that were on the monitor were the same as those not. I kept telling them perhaps they have it in the wrong area because I know what I was feeling. We had an amazing nurse named Sabrina who was a great coach and was a big advocate for us. She got us permission to get up and moving around while bringing in a birthing ball. Paul and I walked the halls stopping a lot along the way. I seemed to handle the contractions better standing up. Paul at that time was being such an amazing supporter. He just was a natural at coaching me and being such a positive influence. Something the nurses simply adored.
7:00- Nurses change up and I'm back in bed for the chane of shift monitoring. Again contractions to them weren't showing up consistant at all but if I timed them they were between 3 to 5 minutes apart. They did another check, still a 3. By this time I can't tell you how discouraged I was begining to feel. The OB said it may have even just been a 2 cm. But he stretched me, god did that hurt and said he was going to check back in a few more hours. They had me stay in bed. Then when the Nurse was charting and taking more information I started to get very shaky and light headed. I let her know, then things got a tad hairy. She put my bed down all the way and I just kept saying "I can't, I can't." I remember just putting my hand on the wall to try and feel grounded. Rush in nurses and BP cuff. My BP was 64/41, poor Paul didn't know what to do. Luckily during this time Baby girl was doing great. They tried to put in IV's in my hand but they had no luck. Then I started to feel a bit better. They tried again in my forearm and they were able to get a vein not before spilling a bit of blood all over the pillow damn near made it a new color of pillow case all together. No biggy though. They had me on fluids right away.
Paul told me never to do that again. I noted it and agreed. I was petrified about what was happening. Doctor came in at 9 and the nurses wanted me to finish my IV fluid bag first. So he made a decision to keep us on again. I was checked and still a tight 3. UGH! And apparently now only 50% effaced. Ummm WHAT!?
During this time he told me they weren't allowed to have me laying on my back like that any more and I was to do some rounds etc. Fine by me I labored better standing up So off we went. By this time I had on my pretty pusher outfit and I can't tell you how nice it was to have this on during all that time.
We walked the halls, got changed into a l&D room for comfort but they still weren't going to admit me. I turned to Paul and told him by the next time they check me if I hadn't made progress I was going to cry. I just felt like I was failing myself, my daughter and husband. We got another nurse at the nurse change and she was a gem. (all of them were). They all seemed to be really smitten with Paul and I. The thing I loved about her is she told me no matter what she counts contractions So I was a bit happy about that. They kept us until 5:30 by then I was checked and no progress so I had to be sent home. Cue frustration, tears and complete shock as I'd been in labor for almost 24 hours and had no progress what so ever. If these contractions weren't doing anything I was dreading what was to come. Not to mention very very exhausted at this point as the last time I slept was the Thursday night. Same with Paul (felt bad for him. I snuck out of the room and walked the halls so he could catch some z's.. Poor guy).
So off we went home and the ride just sucked once more. We got home and I made sure we didn't take any medication this time to ensure it was completely out of my system. I knew this was it just didn't know when. This time Paul and I were very militant about our contractions. Something about being sent home twice while in the pain I was in just really messed with both Paul and I's mind on when we should go back in. The criteria they give you is every 5 minutes apart and they were for me at least from what I felt and not going off of the monitors. So I was very emotional about when was the right time? Everyone says you know but for me that time came and went and i was still sent home. Talk about mind games. The contractions gradually picked up to the type that had you yelling, trying to grip anything in sight and some even crying. I just kept saying to Paul "I don't know how much more of this I can take. Going on day 3 of laboring was just mentally shutting me down especially with no progress." I was just down and felt like I was a failure at this entire laboring process, that I was a wimp and apparently these weren't even strong enough to dilate me. Wonderful!
At 3am I wanted to go back in. Paul reminded me about the 5 minute rule and my contractions were anywhere from 5 to 10 minutes apart again.But the length of them were between 2 to 4 minutes. One I had at the hospital lasted 7. yeouch. So I toughed it out and just kept on laboring.
Sunday 11/10 - 8:30am they started to get close again just after our shower just when I thought we'd have an hour of 5 minutes and under then i'd go to have a contraction 10 minutes later. Start the timer again .
12:30 I get a contraction that rocked my world. Almost buckled my knees. At this point Paul and I figured out a good laboring rhythm. Sit down until a contraction hit then get up and sway with Paul. This contraction hurt hurt hurt. Then comes the small gush. I knew right away what it was. "Paul my water broke." Paul perked right up I hadn't seen his eyes light up like that before. It was cute and funny. Then he goes "are you sure? Let me check." He goes and looks at my leg as it trickles. I head to the toilet and just managed to catch it. Told Paul to put a trash bag on the seat and a towel to absorb.
My mind I said the following. "Thank god there's an end in sight! They can't make me go home now." Paul put in the call to our OB. I think our OB was praising this for happening as well lol.
We head back in and my gosh the ride.. Sorry I keep saying this but it SUCKED! Especially since after my water broke it seemed to bring with it back labor. I just remember hitting my head a few times against the back of the head rest and trying to get my back off the back seat. I just wanted to stand up. And the water breaking at home? It was nothing in comparison to what continued to happen in the car. Every contraction stronger gush after the other. I think by the end of it all I could have made a decent sized pool.
1:10 pm - So we make it to the hospital and I'm standing in Emerge while Paul registers for me. I stood on their carpets because I was still gushing. Nothing better than standing in the ER while people pass by and you have liquid trickling down your legs. Humiliating doesn't touch how it felt. I didn't want to move for fear of more and more coming out. So there I stood on the carpets frozen. Paul wanted me to come onto the concrete floor. I did not lol I didn't want more people noticing there was stuff coming down my leg lol.
1:30pm admitted and all the nurses that seen us I think had a sigh of relief as we did to know we were being admitted. Many said Finally . Paul and I felt the same way. We were ushered into our room that was beautiful spacious and overall very comfortable. I arrived already in my 'pretty pushers' gown so there was no need to change.
OB came in as I was having a contraction and he said "Wow that was a good one. I bet your a good 6 if not 7 by now. Asked me what I wanted. "Anything more than a 3 lol". Turns out I was a tight 4. Talk about disappointment all around. I stayed up and continued to labor for another 2 hours.
3:30 OB came in to check me again still a 4. Holy crapola. He lets me know that they want to put me on pitocin as my contractions again weren't registering as regular or as regular as he'd like. Then he said that I'd get my Epi as soon as they knew the Pitocin was doing it's job.
4:00 Pitocin was administered and right away the contractions pick up in bed and the back labor was just the worst laying down. All 4's really helped alleviate the pain. I then asked to hydrobirth for a little and they connected me to this really neat transmitter device that would allow me to walk freely in my room and even labor in water (device couldn't get wet though but the paddles could no problem). I was really worried about being put up in bed once I had pitocin so was very happy about that. I labored in the jetted tub one jet on my back helping me big time. I mean it didn't take away the pain all together but it was soothing over all.
4:40 - Nurse submitted paper work into for an EPI as the pitocin was doing it's job. They upped my dosage to a 6 (still not high obviously) but doing a good job of regulating things and the strength was damn strong.
5:20 - Anesthesiologist comes in and gives us the epi. He let me keep my own gown on for this process. He was a bit reluctant but came to. He was even kind enough to let Paul stay in the room. It is certainly hard to experience back labor while having to extend your back for the epi. The Epi itself was a breeze didn't hurt almost the same type of pain I got with my daily injections during the pregnancy.
Almost immediately my body starts to feel amazing. and I did what every pregnant woemen does I'm sure and tole the Anesthesiologist I loved him lol.
it seemed to be really really working well on my right side as I could not move it at all. The left it was hard to move but still doable.
They upped the dosage
6:30 - My OB gave me a really really good stretch once I was numb. He commented on how high up she still was and wasn't happy about that. He let me know that they'd give me 2 hours and if no progression was made they'd have me do a c/section. At that point I completely agreed with them. WIth being in labor for so long at that point and with the dosage they put the pit up to I knew we'd be delaying the inevitable if no progress was made.
They had my guests leave and told both Paul and I to try and get some sleep. So we both tried. they had me switching sides as baby girl wasn't responding well to the contractions and her hb went down with every contraction nothing that stayed down and always recovered but enough to be a mild concern. Again we kept switching.
8:30 - OB checked me and again no progress. C-Section was put in and we were waiting on the anesthesiologist. Luckily he was in house taking care of 2 other patients.
10:50 - rolled into the OR and my body just was shaking badly. I couldn't stop it, apparently it was from all the hormones? Not sure, but it had my mind side tracked for a bit. My Primary OB came in to do the c-section which I was happy with as I heard he's the man you want to have doing your c-section.
11:00 (ish) and on lol - they're chatting away. I'm just shaking and they put the oxygen on me while i had a stuffed nose. All I could think of was how I couldn't really breath. I always heard that c-sections take merely a few minutes. SO I was a bit surprised when I felt like more than that time had passed. Then came the shaking of my entire bed. Both of my OB's were grunting "Strange" I thought. Then I hear "I wonder if we can push her up let me try." ... "Nope not working." I hear my doc talk to the anesthesiologist about putting me under and thats when I start to worry that something was wrong. So more shaking of the bed, they made more cuts I guess to my uterus. Then they tell Paul to get his camera ready (30 minutes after they started everything), I hear girggling cries (at 11:28pm) and a tear goes down my cheek. I wasn't properly processing things. So when Paul brought her to me all I could say was "Oh my gosh so cool." Still shaking up a storm. Paul leaves and I was alone I hear the ob's talking about how one OB had always said she has these types of cases but that they could finally tell her they actually experienced the real thing.
Rolled into recovery and within 15 minutes Paul brought baby girl to me and they had her skin to skin with me bf'ing right away. I'm still out of it but it felt so amazing, I was in a daze and just hadn't fully 'seen' my daughter yet. If you know what I mean. A mix of everything I just couldn't grasp she was here.
There it was explained to me what had happened. The OB told me that no matter what we did I was not going to have her vaginally. He said that what I had was something called Bendls ring. That in the 22 years of his practice he has never had such a hard C-Section. I still didn't have a clue what had happened but he let me know they made quite a few cuts to my uterus (t incision) and that for future pregnancies we wouldn't be able to do anything other than a c-section (meaning no VBAC) which I was confused about and wanted more answers for but the fentenol was knocking me out fast. So we cut things short I was rolled to our room. Paul had taken Anastasia back for a little bath and they stopped my bed at the window. There I stared as Paul glowed from ear to ear giving laughs as Anastasia cried and went on. It at that point made me cry. The next morning when I held her in my arms.. I was blown away. It's then when I truly saw her and could say loved her with every fiber of my being You could see the same expression on Pauls face.
A quick explanation on Bendls ring as I've never heard of it so figured many others haven't as well. I honestly feel so lucky especially after reading up on this that my water broke. Since in some cases this can lead to still birth. Someone was watching out for us. This also explains why not all of my contractions were showing up on the monitor and when they checked my upper belly.
"There are two types of uterine muscles, one to help the cervix dilate and the other to help push the baby out. At their juncture, rarely (usually during a prolonged and/or obstructed labor) a ring develops around a “depression” in the fetus, usually over the neck (with Anastasia it was around her shoulders a big saving grace). Sometimes when this happens, even a birth by C-section is difficult, because the ring prevents the birth of the shoulders and the rest of the body. Usually, the uterus will greatly constrict, which disrupts placental blood flow, and therefore oxygen flow, to the fetus. Bandl's Ring was named after the doctor who first identified it."
"symptoms"
-Hypertonic contractions
-presenting part driven/jammed
-mother experiences severe pain and excited or restless emotions
-maternal pulse, temperature rise
-palpable, taut round ligaments; may also be visible
-Baby entirely or almost entirely in lower uterine segment.
-ring felt as transverse ridge, as high up as umbilicus or potentially even higher
Differential Diagnosis: May appear to be constriction ring. (see chart Frye p. 1043)
Complications/Sequelae:
-rupture of the lower segment, maternal hemorrhage
-placental abruption
-maternal exhaustion, inertia, and arrest of contractions
-uteroplacental insufficiency with resultant fetal hypoxia and distress.
-maternal fistula, lacerations more likely"
What this means for the future is
1. No vbac (because of T incision and the possible re- occurrence of the ring). I'm not sad about this because no 'birth' plan is ever worth putting my child at possible risk for a vbac knowing the potential risks I'm putting him/her under.
2. Much higher risk of placental abruption if we get pregnant again.
3. Placenta growing into the uterus? (I believe this is again associated with the T incision).
Overall I'm happy but a tad upset that this wasn't taken care of sooner. Not that they knew really what was going on. But I wish they would have trusted me on Friday when I reported the frequency of the contractions. Especially when they sent me home a second time. But the important thing is baby girl is here she is OK and we couldn't be happier. What we went through will have to play heavily in our decision to get pregnant again as it's another possible risk factor on top of what problems we already have. For now we're enjoying her and will re visit the possibility of more children later. But right now we're actually happy with one.
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Where to start? Gosh it seems like yesterday and here we are a week past when our little angel entered into this world.
I did track a lot of little going ons on my phone, easier in the begining of labor much harder near the end
Friday - 39 weeks on the button. Friday I had a NST appointment with one of my OB's. We went and she noticed very small contractions on the monitor in a semi regular fashion. I was feeling the cramping sensation about a few hours before so I wasn't surprised.
She then said she wanted to check my progress (not something I was expecting due to having just been checked on Tuesday). She said I was a tight 3cm. Which surprised me given I was a tight 2cm. She was a little rough lol. She said that I was thinning out to a point that she was notifying our offices oncall doctor as she felt it wasn't going to be long now. I thought "Great maybe things will start happening by Sunday/ Monday and we won't need an induction." As soon as we left the offices the cramping turned into a bit of pain. So I had Paul start to time them. Since we live an hour away from the hosptial and my OB we decided to stay in town for a few hours to see what was going on. I went to Caters to pick up some outfits for my friend and or SIL as I have a feeling one of them is having a girl and I had a coupon. I was stilll having the pain and in 10 minute intervals. So Paul and I decided to go to Olive Garden. The pains were picking up to a point that I had to stop when eating and breath a bit through it. So we finally got to a point of having them 5 minutes apart and called the oncall.
My mind a bit of a 'holy crap' mode. So we went in and they had us in for observation. Again the contractions (this point they were much different) were painful and to a point of breathing through them. We got in there at 7:30. The nursing staff was really great to us. I was getting a little put off because I was having contractions but the problem was they weren't even registering on the monitor. That played so many mind tricks on me I can't even begin to explain how it made me feel. I always thought I had a high pain tolerance so the fact that these weren't even a BLIP on the screen got me thinking I was obviously a wimp and if this was just the 'tiny' start of something I was in for one hell of a wake up call. It also made me feel bad for going in although no one made me feel this way. My OB came in checked me again and even did a little stretch (OUCH!) then we got sent home. Because of how everyone was talking at the hospital I decided it was ok to continue my medication regime.
We went home and I was still contracting but nothing bad. I was tired so we went right to bed. DH was so great about all of this as I was feeling bad for having him go in with me.
11:30 - the fun really kicked into gear. I went to sleep almost right away and then I got hit with a contraction that had me out of bed so fast I almost gave Paul a heart attack. This is when I knew we were into the real deal. There was certainly no mistaking it this time. Paul helped me into the tub after an hour of the contractions. It really was nice and soothing. After about 20 minutes we decided to go back to bed. Again contractions only being about 10 minutes apart. By the time we were in bed my contractions started picking up and they were 6-5 minutes apart. Being an hour away from the hospital we figured we'd call the on call again. I waited a bit longer because frankly I didn't want to have to get sent home again. I'd really feel like an a hole then.
2:30- Paul and I start our trek into the hospital and got there around 3:30. The ride in wasn't very pleasant as contractions were worse for me sitting down.
3:30- We were again sent to observation. I was checked, still a tight 3. (By this time I was mildly annoyed no progress had been made.) They had me laying down being monitored for close to 2 hours. I again was having contractions this time some were seen on the monitor while others weren't, and my upper belly wasn't getting hard like it should. It didn't make sense to me because the pain level of the ones that were on the monitor were the same as those not. I kept telling them perhaps they have it in the wrong area because I know what I was feeling. We had an amazing nurse named Sabrina who was a great coach and was a big advocate for us. She got us permission to get up and moving around while bringing in a birthing ball. Paul and I walked the halls stopping a lot along the way. I seemed to handle the contractions better standing up. Paul at that time was being such an amazing supporter. He just was a natural at coaching me and being such a positive influence. Something the nurses simply adored.
7:00- Nurses change up and I'm back in bed for the chane of shift monitoring. Again contractions to them weren't showing up consistant at all but if I timed them they were between 3 to 5 minutes apart. They did another check, still a 3. By this time I can't tell you how discouraged I was begining to feel. The OB said it may have even just been a 2 cm. But he stretched me, god did that hurt and said he was going to check back in a few more hours. They had me stay in bed. Then when the Nurse was charting and taking more information I started to get very shaky and light headed. I let her know, then things got a tad hairy. She put my bed down all the way and I just kept saying "I can't, I can't." I remember just putting my hand on the wall to try and feel grounded. Rush in nurses and BP cuff. My BP was 64/41, poor Paul didn't know what to do. Luckily during this time Baby girl was doing great. They tried to put in IV's in my hand but they had no luck. Then I started to feel a bit better. They tried again in my forearm and they were able to get a vein not before spilling a bit of blood all over the pillow damn near made it a new color of pillow case all together. No biggy though. They had me on fluids right away.
Paul told me never to do that again. I noted it and agreed. I was petrified about what was happening. Doctor came in at 9 and the nurses wanted me to finish my IV fluid bag first. So he made a decision to keep us on again. I was checked and still a tight 3. UGH! And apparently now only 50% effaced. Ummm WHAT!?
During this time he told me they weren't allowed to have me laying on my back like that any more and I was to do some rounds etc. Fine by me I labored better standing up So off we went. By this time I had on my pretty pusher outfit and I can't tell you how nice it was to have this on during all that time.
We walked the halls, got changed into a l&D room for comfort but they still weren't going to admit me. I turned to Paul and told him by the next time they check me if I hadn't made progress I was going to cry. I just felt like I was failing myself, my daughter and husband. We got another nurse at the nurse change and she was a gem. (all of them were). They all seemed to be really smitten with Paul and I. The thing I loved about her is she told me no matter what she counts contractions So I was a bit happy about that. They kept us until 5:30 by then I was checked and no progress so I had to be sent home. Cue frustration, tears and complete shock as I'd been in labor for almost 24 hours and had no progress what so ever. If these contractions weren't doing anything I was dreading what was to come. Not to mention very very exhausted at this point as the last time I slept was the Thursday night. Same with Paul (felt bad for him. I snuck out of the room and walked the halls so he could catch some z's.. Poor guy).
So off we went home and the ride just sucked once more. We got home and I made sure we didn't take any medication this time to ensure it was completely out of my system. I knew this was it just didn't know when. This time Paul and I were very militant about our contractions. Something about being sent home twice while in the pain I was in just really messed with both Paul and I's mind on when we should go back in. The criteria they give you is every 5 minutes apart and they were for me at least from what I felt and not going off of the monitors. So I was very emotional about when was the right time? Everyone says you know but for me that time came and went and i was still sent home. Talk about mind games. The contractions gradually picked up to the type that had you yelling, trying to grip anything in sight and some even crying. I just kept saying to Paul "I don't know how much more of this I can take. Going on day 3 of laboring was just mentally shutting me down especially with no progress." I was just down and felt like I was a failure at this entire laboring process, that I was a wimp and apparently these weren't even strong enough to dilate me. Wonderful!
At 3am I wanted to go back in. Paul reminded me about the 5 minute rule and my contractions were anywhere from 5 to 10 minutes apart again.But the length of them were between 2 to 4 minutes. One I had at the hospital lasted 7. yeouch. So I toughed it out and just kept on laboring.
Sunday 11/10 - 8:30am they started to get close again just after our shower just when I thought we'd have an hour of 5 minutes and under then i'd go to have a contraction 10 minutes later. Start the timer again .
12:30 I get a contraction that rocked my world. Almost buckled my knees. At this point Paul and I figured out a good laboring rhythm. Sit down until a contraction hit then get up and sway with Paul. This contraction hurt hurt hurt. Then comes the small gush. I knew right away what it was. "Paul my water broke." Paul perked right up I hadn't seen his eyes light up like that before. It was cute and funny. Then he goes "are you sure? Let me check." He goes and looks at my leg as it trickles. I head to the toilet and just managed to catch it. Told Paul to put a trash bag on the seat and a towel to absorb.
My mind I said the following. "Thank god there's an end in sight! They can't make me go home now." Paul put in the call to our OB. I think our OB was praising this for happening as well lol.
We head back in and my gosh the ride.. Sorry I keep saying this but it SUCKED! Especially since after my water broke it seemed to bring with it back labor. I just remember hitting my head a few times against the back of the head rest and trying to get my back off the back seat. I just wanted to stand up. And the water breaking at home? It was nothing in comparison to what continued to happen in the car. Every contraction stronger gush after the other. I think by the end of it all I could have made a decent sized pool.
1:10 pm - So we make it to the hospital and I'm standing in Emerge while Paul registers for me. I stood on their carpets because I was still gushing. Nothing better than standing in the ER while people pass by and you have liquid trickling down your legs. Humiliating doesn't touch how it felt. I didn't want to move for fear of more and more coming out. So there I stood on the carpets frozen. Paul wanted me to come onto the concrete floor. I did not lol I didn't want more people noticing there was stuff coming down my leg lol.
1:30pm admitted and all the nurses that seen us I think had a sigh of relief as we did to know we were being admitted. Many said Finally . Paul and I felt the same way. We were ushered into our room that was beautiful spacious and overall very comfortable. I arrived already in my 'pretty pushers' gown so there was no need to change.
OB came in as I was having a contraction and he said "Wow that was a good one. I bet your a good 6 if not 7 by now. Asked me what I wanted. "Anything more than a 3 lol". Turns out I was a tight 4. Talk about disappointment all around. I stayed up and continued to labor for another 2 hours.
3:30 OB came in to check me again still a 4. Holy crapola. He lets me know that they want to put me on pitocin as my contractions again weren't registering as regular or as regular as he'd like. Then he said that I'd get my Epi as soon as they knew the Pitocin was doing it's job.
4:00 Pitocin was administered and right away the contractions pick up in bed and the back labor was just the worst laying down. All 4's really helped alleviate the pain. I then asked to hydrobirth for a little and they connected me to this really neat transmitter device that would allow me to walk freely in my room and even labor in water (device couldn't get wet though but the paddles could no problem). I was really worried about being put up in bed once I had pitocin so was very happy about that. I labored in the jetted tub one jet on my back helping me big time. I mean it didn't take away the pain all together but it was soothing over all.
4:40 - Nurse submitted paper work into for an EPI as the pitocin was doing it's job. They upped my dosage to a 6 (still not high obviously) but doing a good job of regulating things and the strength was damn strong.
5:20 - Anesthesiologist comes in and gives us the epi. He let me keep my own gown on for this process. He was a bit reluctant but came to. He was even kind enough to let Paul stay in the room. It is certainly hard to experience back labor while having to extend your back for the epi. The Epi itself was a breeze didn't hurt almost the same type of pain I got with my daily injections during the pregnancy.
Almost immediately my body starts to feel amazing. and I did what every pregnant woemen does I'm sure and tole the Anesthesiologist I loved him lol.
it seemed to be really really working well on my right side as I could not move it at all. The left it was hard to move but still doable.
They upped the dosage
6:30 - My OB gave me a really really good stretch once I was numb. He commented on how high up she still was and wasn't happy about that. He let me know that they'd give me 2 hours and if no progression was made they'd have me do a c/section. At that point I completely agreed with them. WIth being in labor for so long at that point and with the dosage they put the pit up to I knew we'd be delaying the inevitable if no progress was made.
They had my guests leave and told both Paul and I to try and get some sleep. So we both tried. they had me switching sides as baby girl wasn't responding well to the contractions and her hb went down with every contraction nothing that stayed down and always recovered but enough to be a mild concern. Again we kept switching.
8:30 - OB checked me and again no progress. C-Section was put in and we were waiting on the anesthesiologist. Luckily he was in house taking care of 2 other patients.
10:50 - rolled into the OR and my body just was shaking badly. I couldn't stop it, apparently it was from all the hormones? Not sure, but it had my mind side tracked for a bit. My Primary OB came in to do the c-section which I was happy with as I heard he's the man you want to have doing your c-section.
11:00 (ish) and on lol - they're chatting away. I'm just shaking and they put the oxygen on me while i had a stuffed nose. All I could think of was how I couldn't really breath. I always heard that c-sections take merely a few minutes. SO I was a bit surprised when I felt like more than that time had passed. Then came the shaking of my entire bed. Both of my OB's were grunting "Strange" I thought. Then I hear "I wonder if we can push her up let me try." ... "Nope not working." I hear my doc talk to the anesthesiologist about putting me under and thats when I start to worry that something was wrong. So more shaking of the bed, they made more cuts I guess to my uterus. Then they tell Paul to get his camera ready (30 minutes after they started everything), I hear girggling cries (at 11:28pm) and a tear goes down my cheek. I wasn't properly processing things. So when Paul brought her to me all I could say was "Oh my gosh so cool." Still shaking up a storm. Paul leaves and I was alone I hear the ob's talking about how one OB had always said she has these types of cases but that they could finally tell her they actually experienced the real thing.
Rolled into recovery and within 15 minutes Paul brought baby girl to me and they had her skin to skin with me bf'ing right away. I'm still out of it but it felt so amazing, I was in a daze and just hadn't fully 'seen' my daughter yet. If you know what I mean. A mix of everything I just couldn't grasp she was here.
There it was explained to me what had happened. The OB told me that no matter what we did I was not going to have her vaginally. He said that what I had was something called Bendls ring. That in the 22 years of his practice he has never had such a hard C-Section. I still didn't have a clue what had happened but he let me know they made quite a few cuts to my uterus (t incision) and that for future pregnancies we wouldn't be able to do anything other than a c-section (meaning no VBAC) which I was confused about and wanted more answers for but the fentenol was knocking me out fast. So we cut things short I was rolled to our room. Paul had taken Anastasia back for a little bath and they stopped my bed at the window. There I stared as Paul glowed from ear to ear giving laughs as Anastasia cried and went on. It at that point made me cry. The next morning when I held her in my arms.. I was blown away. It's then when I truly saw her and could say loved her with every fiber of my being You could see the same expression on Pauls face.
A quick explanation on Bendls ring as I've never heard of it so figured many others haven't as well. I honestly feel so lucky especially after reading up on this that my water broke. Since in some cases this can lead to still birth. Someone was watching out for us. This also explains why not all of my contractions were showing up on the monitor and when they checked my upper belly.
"There are two types of uterine muscles, one to help the cervix dilate and the other to help push the baby out. At their juncture, rarely (usually during a prolonged and/or obstructed labor) a ring develops around a “depression” in the fetus, usually over the neck (with Anastasia it was around her shoulders a big saving grace). Sometimes when this happens, even a birth by C-section is difficult, because the ring prevents the birth of the shoulders and the rest of the body. Usually, the uterus will greatly constrict, which disrupts placental blood flow, and therefore oxygen flow, to the fetus. Bandl's Ring was named after the doctor who first identified it."
"symptoms"
-Hypertonic contractions
-presenting part driven/jammed
-mother experiences severe pain and excited or restless emotions
-maternal pulse, temperature rise
-palpable, taut round ligaments; may also be visible
-Baby entirely or almost entirely in lower uterine segment.
-ring felt as transverse ridge, as high up as umbilicus or potentially even higher
Differential Diagnosis: May appear to be constriction ring. (see chart Frye p. 1043)
Complications/Sequelae:
-rupture of the lower segment, maternal hemorrhage
-placental abruption
-maternal exhaustion, inertia, and arrest of contractions
-uteroplacental insufficiency with resultant fetal hypoxia and distress.
-maternal fistula, lacerations more likely"
What this means for the future is
1. No vbac (because of T incision and the possible re- occurrence of the ring). I'm not sad about this because no 'birth' plan is ever worth putting my child at possible risk for a vbac knowing the potential risks I'm putting him/her under.
2. Much higher risk of placental abruption if we get pregnant again.
3. Placenta growing into the uterus? (I believe this is again associated with the T incision).
Overall I'm happy but a tad upset that this wasn't taken care of sooner. Not that they knew really what was going on. But I wish they would have trusted me on Friday when I reported the frequency of the contractions. Especially when they sent me home a second time. But the important thing is baby girl is here she is OK and we couldn't be happier. What we went through will have to play heavily in our decision to get pregnant again as it's another possible risk factor on top of what problems we already have. For now we're enjoying her and will re visit the possibility of more children later. But right now we're actually happy with one.
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Monday, October 28, 2013
Getting Down to the wire!
I have a lot to update on. The third trimester has been rather eventful.
Lots of little changes including in my medication routine. We're now
onto every week appointments (I'm 37 weeks 3 days today) and at our last
appointment the doctor told me that we'd see how my body was doing when
they do a cervical check. If I'm showing signs of being dilated and
effaced then we'll discuss induction when I'm 39 weeks pregnant. So
either the 7th of November or 8th, again provided my body is labor
ready. If not then we'll wait it out.
This for some isn't necessary (The induction) but others who are on blood thinners choose to have a bit more a controlled environment. I'm not sure if I touched on what those aspects are but I'm going to go through them now. There are two types of blood thinners you can be on many actually end up being on both. Lovenox and Heprin. I've been on Lovenox now for what seems like a life time, more like since September with a short break after we lost our daughter Angela. So I've been on them for basically a full year now.. A year of needles yuppee ;) Honestly, they aren't bad though you get used to them. Remember my first post when I had to start injections, that is a distant memory. Luckily I'm not afraid of needles. I feel awful for anyone who is as I know it's not a fear that goes away easily :/ So if you're one of those people very sorry :(. Lovenox I take once a day 30mg, the reason why I take it is because I have what is called Lupus Anticoagulant. The likely suspect in all of our losses besides Angela (as we were treating the LA then) as she had a genetic abnormality. Lovenox works for 24 hours before you have to take the next shot. Many doctors will use this in early pregnancy up to the mid 3rd trimester out of convenience to the person getting the shots. Now I state many this doesn't mean all.
Around 36 ish weeks (give or take) doctors who have patients on Lovenox will often look to switch to Heprin. There are a few reasons for this 1. Heprin has a 12 hour working time (Keep this fact in mind as I'll come back to it's importance) 2. If I start bleeding out (heaven forbid) then they can push a drug to counteract the blood thinning agent. From what I've heard this is only possible with Heprin, this is not possible with lovenox. So a bit of an important factor. Down side is you go from one needle a day to two.
I know some may ask why I've stated the working times as being some key factors to the medication. When you're on these blood thinners there are certain things you can't have while the medication is still active in your system. When getting down to the wire where labor is imminent you'll want to work with a 12 hour medication than a 24 hour medication. When on blood thinners you cannot get an epidural (at least in that 12 hour time frame). Now while I'm sure many are ok with a natural birth and aspire for such, I on the other hand like having these options at the very least available to me. I've made a point in this pregnancy to really not have any kind of concrete birthing plans. This is just because our situation really requires us to be flexible (I mean everyone's situation there should be flexibility) so I didn't want to get my heart set on something and have it go another way. I've been prepping for birth by looking going over breathing exercises, practicing a little bit of hypnobirthing (ok so with hypnobirthing I've kind of dropped the ball on that one but I really wanted to try and read up on it.) If anything I'll use the soothing music CD they provide. I want to have a few things in my arsenal to labor with incase I go naturally and can't get an epidural while on my medication. Perhaps the biggest and only "I hope it doesn't happen" situations is with blood thinners if I'm still in that 12 hour window since my last injection and say I need an emergency c-section. I am not able to get a spinal or have the epidural turned up, I have to get put completely under when my daughter is born. :( I mean I know it happens and it's something I had to accept when we had our little Blood pressure scare a few weeks ago. Inside I'd really love to be cognitively there when my daughter is born. Seems like a sweet final goodbye to what was a very rough chapter in our lives. So I'll be keeping my fingers crossed, but in the end I know and will hold tight to the #1 thing is getting her here safe and sound. Everything else pales in comparison to her safety. :)
So after that long spiel I will continue on with an update :P. At 35 ish weeks my rash which was confirmed to be PUPPS (not a fun thing to have by the way). I went to our work nurse practitioner to see if she could suggest some topicals or something I could take for the rash and the incessent itching that came with it. She noticed that my face and hands were a bit puffy so she wanted to take my blood pressure. (Okay no big deal). "Amanda your blood pressure is 140/82" me "Is that bad?" her "I'd really like you to call into your OB and let him know about your numbers and ask if they can check you for proteins." Cue blind sided stare and a mini inner panic attack. So I go call him they tell me they'd like me in there as soon as possible. I didn't think the number was that bad but the way now two medical professionals were reacting I was overcome with emotions and worry. I knew once she said proteins she was wanting to have me checked for Pre-Eclampsia. Paul and I rushed home got my hosptial bag and grabbed her car seat. Since the hosptial and my OB are an hour away we had to be prepared for the test to come out positive. I just remember most of the trip there me having to come to terms with my fear of getting put under if I had a c-section. It was tough to face that but I knew that if I didn't that it would have been a big thing that I would look back on with a little bit of sadness. Emotionally I was just all over the place, this, this or this could happen. Your mind just kicks into overdrive. I knew that at 35 weeks she was at least in better standing than other babies so after that realization things cooled down a little bit. I get to the office and I'm sure that all of my stressing in the vehicle would perhaps produce a false reading. Go in and my blood pressure was 128 / 80 cue huge sigh of relief and the proteins, none there YAY!!!!!!!!!!Needless to say that was one heck of a day. I took the rest of the day off to recoupe. I didn't think something like that would take so much out of me but it did. It also kind of kicked our butts into gear to get last minute things ready for her. More so my husband I think than me lol.
So with the whole bp issue I've been keeping a close eye on things. I've had many in the 140's now but since there's no proteins and I'm not really effected by it I'm ok with everything.
Starting Thursday I started getting contractions. I wasn't sure but after the fact I realized it really was contractions. I had a burning pain in my back and had at least 35 throughout the day nothing that got into a rythm though but a pattern was starting to show up. Can I just say how much I love contraction phone applications? I really do. The OB told me I should go home and lay on my left side and drink lots of fluids. After doing what I was told ;) I had two closer contractions then it stopped. Since then I've had about 5 a day. Admittedly I'm a weirdo and would like baby girl to wait until our induction date if we have one.1. I don't' feel like we're prepared (are we ever really?) and 2. I'd like the controlled nature of being off my meds before going into labor.
With that being said I have a gut feeling that's not going to be the case. Because of that, I need to get this out because I don't know what's personally going on. But today I have been fighting the urge to be at home. I don't know what it is, can't put my finger on it but I just want to be home, not as in Hooky day from work. But just be at home. Odd isn't it? I just have this feeling she's coming sooner than later. When obviously I don't know, but I just feel it's getting very very close. So I've been making sure to time exactly down to the minute when I had my last injection. This way I can have something concrete to give the anesthesiologist when they ask instead of a 3:00 'ish' time.
I'm excited, scared, wonder if I'm going to be a good mom and everything in between. You'd think after close to 4 years of trying for this I'd be a bit more prepared mentally but I don't think anything or any amount of time can truly prepare you for the realities of parenthood. It did help me learn a lot of what I needed to know though. So the time waiting did have it's advantages. Plus lots of friends to ask questions to, which while TTC wasn't such a great thing but after being pregnant it's nice.
Baby girl has definitely been doing well though. She was measuring in the 50th percentile with growth and weight. And she scored 8/8 on her biophysical profile. It was so neat to see her chest move up and down practicing her breathing. Plus 8/8 on her first test, a spark of her father in her!! We got to see her face again (looks like she may have some chubby cheeks! lol) and come to find that she's sucking her thumb (very adorable). She loves to lay on the left side of my belly, it's neat to see the lop sided belly when she does this. Since thursday she's dropped, I can tell in my belly height and also with her movements way down low now.
I've been so blessed to have such an easy pregnancy that at times I can't believe we're already this far along. It's funny because I have other people even giving me puzzled looks when I tell them she may be here in a week and a half. I take it as a compliment when they say I don't look it. I don't' feel small but I also don't feel 'huge' I feel just right (says Goldy locks ;) ) Now obviously there are mild annoyances but honestly knowing what things could be like I brush them off. The Pupps is a bit of a pain mind you but if this is the only real thing I have to 'complain' about. I'll count my blessings.
I'm not sure if this will be my last post before she arrives or not. But as always my readers are in my thoughts. I hope that when I check out your blogs I see good news on the horizon. I'm cheering you all on and sending so many positive vibes your way. Love and hugs!
This for some isn't necessary (The induction) but others who are on blood thinners choose to have a bit more a controlled environment. I'm not sure if I touched on what those aspects are but I'm going to go through them now. There are two types of blood thinners you can be on many actually end up being on both. Lovenox and Heprin. I've been on Lovenox now for what seems like a life time, more like since September with a short break after we lost our daughter Angela. So I've been on them for basically a full year now.. A year of needles yuppee ;) Honestly, they aren't bad though you get used to them. Remember my first post when I had to start injections, that is a distant memory. Luckily I'm not afraid of needles. I feel awful for anyone who is as I know it's not a fear that goes away easily :/ So if you're one of those people very sorry :(. Lovenox I take once a day 30mg, the reason why I take it is because I have what is called Lupus Anticoagulant. The likely suspect in all of our losses besides Angela (as we were treating the LA then) as she had a genetic abnormality. Lovenox works for 24 hours before you have to take the next shot. Many doctors will use this in early pregnancy up to the mid 3rd trimester out of convenience to the person getting the shots. Now I state many this doesn't mean all.
Around 36 ish weeks (give or take) doctors who have patients on Lovenox will often look to switch to Heprin. There are a few reasons for this 1. Heprin has a 12 hour working time (Keep this fact in mind as I'll come back to it's importance) 2. If I start bleeding out (heaven forbid) then they can push a drug to counteract the blood thinning agent. From what I've heard this is only possible with Heprin, this is not possible with lovenox. So a bit of an important factor. Down side is you go from one needle a day to two.
I know some may ask why I've stated the working times as being some key factors to the medication. When you're on these blood thinners there are certain things you can't have while the medication is still active in your system. When getting down to the wire where labor is imminent you'll want to work with a 12 hour medication than a 24 hour medication. When on blood thinners you cannot get an epidural (at least in that 12 hour time frame). Now while I'm sure many are ok with a natural birth and aspire for such, I on the other hand like having these options at the very least available to me. I've made a point in this pregnancy to really not have any kind of concrete birthing plans. This is just because our situation really requires us to be flexible (I mean everyone's situation there should be flexibility) so I didn't want to get my heart set on something and have it go another way. I've been prepping for birth by looking going over breathing exercises, practicing a little bit of hypnobirthing (ok so with hypnobirthing I've kind of dropped the ball on that one but I really wanted to try and read up on it.) If anything I'll use the soothing music CD they provide. I want to have a few things in my arsenal to labor with incase I go naturally and can't get an epidural while on my medication. Perhaps the biggest and only "I hope it doesn't happen" situations is with blood thinners if I'm still in that 12 hour window since my last injection and say I need an emergency c-section. I am not able to get a spinal or have the epidural turned up, I have to get put completely under when my daughter is born. :( I mean I know it happens and it's something I had to accept when we had our little Blood pressure scare a few weeks ago. Inside I'd really love to be cognitively there when my daughter is born. Seems like a sweet final goodbye to what was a very rough chapter in our lives. So I'll be keeping my fingers crossed, but in the end I know and will hold tight to the #1 thing is getting her here safe and sound. Everything else pales in comparison to her safety. :)
So after that long spiel I will continue on with an update :P. At 35 ish weeks my rash which was confirmed to be PUPPS (not a fun thing to have by the way). I went to our work nurse practitioner to see if she could suggest some topicals or something I could take for the rash and the incessent itching that came with it. She noticed that my face and hands were a bit puffy so she wanted to take my blood pressure. (Okay no big deal). "Amanda your blood pressure is 140/82" me "Is that bad?" her "I'd really like you to call into your OB and let him know about your numbers and ask if they can check you for proteins." Cue blind sided stare and a mini inner panic attack. So I go call him they tell me they'd like me in there as soon as possible. I didn't think the number was that bad but the way now two medical professionals were reacting I was overcome with emotions and worry. I knew once she said proteins she was wanting to have me checked for Pre-Eclampsia. Paul and I rushed home got my hosptial bag and grabbed her car seat. Since the hosptial and my OB are an hour away we had to be prepared for the test to come out positive. I just remember most of the trip there me having to come to terms with my fear of getting put under if I had a c-section. It was tough to face that but I knew that if I didn't that it would have been a big thing that I would look back on with a little bit of sadness. Emotionally I was just all over the place, this, this or this could happen. Your mind just kicks into overdrive. I knew that at 35 weeks she was at least in better standing than other babies so after that realization things cooled down a little bit. I get to the office and I'm sure that all of my stressing in the vehicle would perhaps produce a false reading. Go in and my blood pressure was 128 / 80 cue huge sigh of relief and the proteins, none there YAY!!!!!!!!!!Needless to say that was one heck of a day. I took the rest of the day off to recoupe. I didn't think something like that would take so much out of me but it did. It also kind of kicked our butts into gear to get last minute things ready for her. More so my husband I think than me lol.
So with the whole bp issue I've been keeping a close eye on things. I've had many in the 140's now but since there's no proteins and I'm not really effected by it I'm ok with everything.
Starting Thursday I started getting contractions. I wasn't sure but after the fact I realized it really was contractions. I had a burning pain in my back and had at least 35 throughout the day nothing that got into a rythm though but a pattern was starting to show up. Can I just say how much I love contraction phone applications? I really do. The OB told me I should go home and lay on my left side and drink lots of fluids. After doing what I was told ;) I had two closer contractions then it stopped. Since then I've had about 5 a day. Admittedly I'm a weirdo and would like baby girl to wait until our induction date if we have one.1. I don't' feel like we're prepared (are we ever really?) and 2. I'd like the controlled nature of being off my meds before going into labor.
With that being said I have a gut feeling that's not going to be the case. Because of that, I need to get this out because I don't know what's personally going on. But today I have been fighting the urge to be at home. I don't know what it is, can't put my finger on it but I just want to be home, not as in Hooky day from work. But just be at home. Odd isn't it? I just have this feeling she's coming sooner than later. When obviously I don't know, but I just feel it's getting very very close. So I've been making sure to time exactly down to the minute when I had my last injection. This way I can have something concrete to give the anesthesiologist when they ask instead of a 3:00 'ish' time.
I'm excited, scared, wonder if I'm going to be a good mom and everything in between. You'd think after close to 4 years of trying for this I'd be a bit more prepared mentally but I don't think anything or any amount of time can truly prepare you for the realities of parenthood. It did help me learn a lot of what I needed to know though. So the time waiting did have it's advantages. Plus lots of friends to ask questions to, which while TTC wasn't such a great thing but after being pregnant it's nice.
Baby girl has definitely been doing well though. She was measuring in the 50th percentile with growth and weight. And she scored 8/8 on her biophysical profile. It was so neat to see her chest move up and down practicing her breathing. Plus 8/8 on her first test, a spark of her father in her!! We got to see her face again (looks like she may have some chubby cheeks! lol) and come to find that she's sucking her thumb (very adorable). She loves to lay on the left side of my belly, it's neat to see the lop sided belly when she does this. Since thursday she's dropped, I can tell in my belly height and also with her movements way down low now.
I've been so blessed to have such an easy pregnancy that at times I can't believe we're already this far along. It's funny because I have other people even giving me puzzled looks when I tell them she may be here in a week and a half. I take it as a compliment when they say I don't look it. I don't' feel small but I also don't feel 'huge' I feel just right (says Goldy locks ;) ) Now obviously there are mild annoyances but honestly knowing what things could be like I brush them off. The Pupps is a bit of a pain mind you but if this is the only real thing I have to 'complain' about. I'll count my blessings.
I'm not sure if this will be my last post before she arrives or not. But as always my readers are in my thoughts. I hope that when I check out your blogs I see good news on the horizon. I'm cheering you all on and sending so many positive vibes your way. Love and hugs!
Friday, September 13, 2013
31 weeks progress photo
During the pregnancy my DH has been taking photos of me. Many of my support groups have seen them up to 20 weeks. But I just got lazy and haven't been able to Photoshop some words etc into the other ones we've done since then. But I feel like it's been a good 15 weeks since my blog was updated with a bump photo. Here's the not so official 31 week photo. I have the official one on my camera lol.
But this should do for now. Hopefully on my next post I'll have the compilation from 20 weeks to 31 weeks. There are a few missing weeks but at least there's some :)
Nothing new to really report. As of late I've been getting cramps (OB said it was likely just small contractions) and a ton of pressure in my pelvic region. I now understand why many women waddle in their third trimester. I'm a little sore and certain activities are becoming harder to do but I'm honestly surprised I made it this far along without having any real soreness. So I count myself as one lucky lady. 9 weeks left!! Give or take.
But this should do for now. Hopefully on my next post I'll have the compilation from 20 weeks to 31 weeks. There are a few missing weeks but at least there's some :)
Nothing new to really report. As of late I've been getting cramps (OB said it was likely just small contractions) and a ton of pressure in my pelvic region. I now understand why many women waddle in their third trimester. I'm a little sore and certain activities are becoming harder to do but I'm honestly surprised I made it this far along without having any real soreness. So I count myself as one lucky lady. 9 weeks left!! Give or take.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Yes, I'm one of those women
For as long as I can remember I have always had a huge affinity for Christmas. It wasn't the gift getting but more the sense of excitement and happiness that would fill my heart. I love giving gifts on Christmas. Things that I'm able to customize, my signature move is giving gifts that can't be bought in a store and if they are they have a personal touch that makes it one of a kind.
Now why am I talking about Christmas when it's September? Because I can't wait for it to come! Yes I've already started to listen to a few Christmas songs here and there. The way the songs make me feel it's just euphoric and energizes me. Just makes me a chipper cheerful person. Gasp! My personal favorite is Josh Groban, that man makes my heart melt when he sings.
Last year Christmas marked an ending to one heck of a dismal year. Loss of my grandfather in October, then the loss of our 4 children. It was overall a lot to take in for the year. The one thing besides my obviously wonderful husband and support system was the magic Christmas puts in my heart. Sure I cried a bit more especially at certain Christmas songs but it always seems to lift me up when I need it the most.
I'm that women in the office who decorates her cubical to the nines, equipped with a 8 foot wide fire place a little 4 foot tree (with a Canadian joker hat ;) Have to represent my home country). Garland and a little fake red plant. Slowly as I've been working here others have gotten into the spirit and it's really warming to see how others get into it. :) This year I won't be able to do it but I have someone in training ;)
I just had to share my joy for Christmas. While it may be far off and while this may be received with eye rolls and grumbles, I ask you, what's wrong with a little cheer and magic before the day even gets here?
Not to mention Christmas means our daughter will be with us. Our Christmas miracle we've been wishing for, for 4 years. "I'll be home for christmas" will have a special place in my heart . *Big tear* words can't describe how that feels, how hard it was to get to this point and how grateful we are. Christmas will always be magical for me now there's a whole new dimension of sharing that with your child hoping they find the same excitement and cheer of the holidays.
I will light a candle on that day for all the moms out there with children in their arms and children in their hearts. I will make my sole Christmas wish that you are blessed beyond your wildest dreams. (I just teared up writing that, I truly truly mean it)
Now why am I talking about Christmas when it's September? Because I can't wait for it to come! Yes I've already started to listen to a few Christmas songs here and there. The way the songs make me feel it's just euphoric and energizes me. Just makes me a chipper cheerful person. Gasp! My personal favorite is Josh Groban, that man makes my heart melt when he sings.
Last year Christmas marked an ending to one heck of a dismal year. Loss of my grandfather in October, then the loss of our 4 children. It was overall a lot to take in for the year. The one thing besides my obviously wonderful husband and support system was the magic Christmas puts in my heart. Sure I cried a bit more especially at certain Christmas songs but it always seems to lift me up when I need it the most.
I'm that women in the office who decorates her cubical to the nines, equipped with a 8 foot wide fire place a little 4 foot tree (with a Canadian joker hat ;) Have to represent my home country). Garland and a little fake red plant. Slowly as I've been working here others have gotten into the spirit and it's really warming to see how others get into it. :) This year I won't be able to do it but I have someone in training ;)
I just had to share my joy for Christmas. While it may be far off and while this may be received with eye rolls and grumbles, I ask you, what's wrong with a little cheer and magic before the day even gets here?
Not to mention Christmas means our daughter will be with us. Our Christmas miracle we've been wishing for, for 4 years. "I'll be home for christmas" will have a special place in my heart . *Big tear* words can't describe how that feels, how hard it was to get to this point and how grateful we are. Christmas will always be magical for me now there's a whole new dimension of sharing that with your child hoping they find the same excitement and cheer of the holidays.
I will light a candle on that day for all the moms out there with children in their arms and children in their hearts. I will make my sole Christmas wish that you are blessed beyond your wildest dreams. (I just teared up writing that, I truly truly mean it)
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
What a huge weight was lifted today!
I want to shout from the roof tops! My 10 year green card is being printed and shipped to me!
This is huge! No one knows but we've been having added stress of the removing my 2 year conditions from my Green card. Everyone who gets a Marriage visa gets a 2 year conditional GC first before the 10 unless the couple has been married for 2 years. We were one month shy of 2 years when we got my visa approved. "DOH!".
For the removal of the conditions we supplied them with a nice $500+ check and 2 inches worth of supporting documentation of our marriage (they're heavy into finances, must have a joint bank account, loans, rental/mortgage together, signed documentation showing Power of attorney and beneficiary things. All which without having to designate goes to your spouse (at least here). But you have to have written documentation showing that. So after all of that info was provided we got back a letter saying it wasn't enough evidence. Insert frustration and added stress this momma didn't need. So Paul and I spent a good month gathering whatever else we could find, 3 affidavits from friends and it was really stressful. I mean having to worry about possibly being deported and not getting to go back for possibly 10 years if they denied my application while your half way through your second trimester, not good at all and well turns your world upside down.
Today I got an email from the USCIS that my case has been processed and with the new evidence provided they are approving our petition. Holy crap what a huge weight off of our shoulders
Now onto our last 2 steps 1. applying for birth abroad so Anastasia has duel citizenship. and 2. application for US citizenship for me, which I can start in December of this year but will likely wait until Anastasia is a little older than a month to start that grueling process. Same type of stuff we have to do and more expensive fees.
Sorry I just had to share in our delight!
This has certainly been a process overall and we've learned a lot about the immigration process. If any of my readers need help and are going through the same things I can't stress VisaJourney.com enough. It's an amazing site that saved us having to get a lawyer. By giving ample examples and explaining the process while talking to others who have gone through this and are going through it helped us immensely!
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