It still stings

Many would presume that after battling infertility for 4 years and finally getting our take home daughter that I would have just 'moved on' from what happened over the past 4 years. I find some times even in the 'company' of fellow strugglers I'm made to feel like I still shouldn't be having the feelings I do about infertility. Not that it's ever said out right but it's like people can move on. It kind of feels like infertility isolation all over again.

I have to be honest with you all here and now, infertility I don't feel is something you move on from, ever... At least it's certainly not the case for me, nor do you ever really move on from the loss, but that's another post for another day. INfertility for me is something that has and will stay with me, forever. My daughter will know what it took, she'll understand what so few people come to understand about infertility, partially because of the taboo nature of it all. Quick pregnancies still get me in the feelers, I still get that heart jumping in my throat reaction, I don't think about it, it just happens. Frankly after 4 years of it I don't know if that'll ever fully lessen, nor do I feel it really should because I still feel that way for our journey and for others who are still struggling.

I still have days where I feel bitter, I have days where I feel outright angry at our situation and what happened. How our life with our little girl was delayed for so long. I still have 'why me' days. Do you ever truly get over one of the hardest life struggles my family has faced? I have to say no, and I also want to say it's OKAY! It's okay that I still feel this way, it's okay that I haven't 'moved on'. How do you let something like that just go? How do you move on from something that was a HUGE part of your life, of your problems, struggles both mentally and physically throughout the years. HOW do you MOVE ON? WHY must one move on from that? Do I sit here depressed every day? Goodness no, but I don't feel for my life I'll 'move on' from this chapter in my life. It's just that, a chapter in my life, written and never erased. It'll remain to be re-read and sometimes emotions will rear their old head. What I ask is wrong with remembering and possibly at the odd time feeling that pain? I'm sure someone will find it unhealthy but I just don't feel like infertility is something you move on from. It's something that stays in your life sure it may be quieter once you find peace in whatever situation you are dealt be it a child, adoption or a life of childlessness. But I don't truly feel it's something you let go of. I feel like if I forget or move on, it's one less advocate for my friends in the struggle, one less advocate for me who did battle this disease, one less person who genuinely cares and remains mindful and down to earth to how it still hurts others to this day.

I think sometimes I feel almost anger that there has to be this division. That some expect you to be 'over it' once you get your child or come to peace with your family numbers as the are. That once that happens you shouldn't be talking about it any more. You shouldn't feel the need to be upset any more or be respectful the way you wanted those to be respectful towards you when it was all to hard to sometimes even go to baby showers for others or see new babies. (The only thing I'm bad at is facebook and I'm sorry for that. I do share photos of my daughter but it is because of family being far away and because well it's her and I feel I should relish in having her. However, I always feel bad when I do it. I feel bad because I feel like I'm betraying friends who are struggling. It helped when very close friends who were struggling told me they were okay with it. And I know they weren't bluffing they were being upfront and honest which I respect completely.

I do try to respect in other ways, during my pregnancy I tried to keep the posts to a minimum. For me pregnancy was always the hardest over the actual baby. I'm not sure why, still don't know why.

Sorry for this ramble but I needed to get it out. While the struggles have all be worth it to have my daughter and let me know we made it to where we are, it doesn't change what happened, what I felt and still at times feel to this day.

Infertility is a very unfair disease in a multitude of ways. Just because someone may end up having a child or come to peace with their situation doesn't mean it wasn't apart of who they were and still apart of who they are. Infertility is like a deep wound. Sure for some it may 'heal' up but the scar remains.