My letter - Dear Infertility,

It's time for me to write one of 3 infertility letters. Today I'm going to start with writing a letter to infertility.

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Dear Infertility,
I sit here looking at a blank page I want to write, I need to write to you. I need you to know that having a child after you, infertility doesn't mean I wasn't ever nor continue to feel your presence. While some people would want to scream in victory when they're no longer in your clutches there are times I'm hurt. You put that hurt there.. I hurt for those still experiencing what my husband and I endured all those years. I read blogs with a familiar nod, wanting to reach out and hug the deepest part of their soul that needs it. I read the frustration, feel the sadness and sense the hurt the deep deep hurt. You know the type of hurt that takes your breath away, clutching at the air for some relief feeling like nothing will take it away. That's the pain you inflict. I flock to sites like Resolve and fertility friend forums geared towards loss and women trying for a long time, finding myself wanting to wish what they want so badly into fruition. Infertility you were unfortunately my home for so many years, just because we were blessed with my daughter doesn't mean I should forget all those women online who helped me through the hell I went through. What kind of a person would I be if I didn't support them in return? Fighting against you? Our success doesn't mean their current pain and journey no longer matters, it doesn't trump it, not in the slightest.

Infertility you leave us feeling absolutely raw and perhaps the worst feeling of all, helpless. There are so many obstacles for couples and they come in an array of ways. Be it if  they can afford to move forward with testing and seeing a specialist to deciding what ART path is right for them and their family. You cause women and men to make decisions that seem unfair, you cost so much to get any kind of help to MAYBE escape you. Then after that accepting whatever comes their way. You cause d obsessions, remember during my IUI cycles I had this need to not miss a cycle. This obsessive thought of what if that was our month? 3 years of that game just almost paralyzes you. Your life revolves around infertility, literally. Some won't take vacations because "what if" others have to let friends know if they're in a wedding party, because "What if." You make men and women feel broken, like an outcast, as if you have this list of who should have you in their life and who doesn't. You realize we scrutinize your criteria, right? loving couples, ready and willing to accept a child into their lives. You deny many of that without going through extensive lengths. Why? What is your criteria? Why do you continue to make people feel less deserving then others. Why? Why? Why? A question often asked time and time again when on this hellish roller coaster you have them on.

Infertility, you play a big "What if" mind game with people, and at times I want to say FU. No, I take that back, ALL the time I want to say FU! FU for hurting me, my family, FU for hurting my friends. Why do you have to hurt people in such a demeaning way stripping women of their womanhood before their eyes. Why do you have to leave women so scarred and changed that at times they don't like the face they see in the mirror. Why do you make it so hard to be genuinely happy, happy for others pregnancies, happy about your life. You strip us of so much happiness it's frankly unfair. It's a take it or leave it diagnosis. You have infertility, so what path will you choose? Will you continue or will you choose to live a life as a family of two with possible fur babies. Will you fight? Fight is synonymous with coming to peace with whatever path you and your significant other chooses, to be fair not chooses but are in some instances forced into. I always hate the notion that moving on as a family of 2 is in some way failure. When in reality it really doesn't encompass the struggle and fight those women and men have already been through. Kudos to them for enduring everything you've thrown at them and their family all of that it's a constant struggle I'm sure to come to terms with that dreaded situation. Seriously, Infertility FU.

I'm just fed up with you all together. I hate that there are others out there who have this deep deep hurt that goes beyond any emotion I have ever felt in my life. I'm beyond BEYOND grateful that in the end our arms weren't empty but the sad fact is for some women and men their arms remain empty from a child perspective. Some choose to fill it with animals, nieces and nephews. But it's just really not fair (and yes I know life isn't fair) but some of the most deserving couples are enduring this fight, are going through this silently. I can guarantee if you don't have infertility someone you know does and you just may not know because they are battling this hard hard battle in silence.

I'd be remiss if in this letter I didn't address those whose lives you've touched, and not in a good way. - For all of you still in this struggle you continue to be in my thoughts and in my heart. I'm sorry not out of pity but because I know the turmoil and deep hurt this causes. I'm sorry for all that you've endured, are about to endure and for the paths that may be chosen for you. I also want to take a moment to congratulate. Congratulations to all those who have found peace, be it with your own take home child (by birth or through other means and measures). I ask that those of you who have had a successful pregnancy(ies) always remember those still fighting this hard fight. Don't neglect to remember them, support them when you're able. Remembering doesn't mean you have to immerse yourself back into the dark hole where you once were, but it doesn't hurt to take a moment to acknowledge what was, what is and what will be for some. Infertility will always, always be apart of my life in one way or another. I write to my congress men to advocate for better infertility coverage and bills that involve infertility.

If you know someone who has infertility I challenge you to listen to them, don't say hurtful things, understand that while you may not grasp the pain their going through that your ear, respect and delicate approach to the topic is appreciated. Give them a hug, let them know they're not alone, send them a letter, let them vent and if the day should come where they're with child or about to adopt, rejoice with them. Be there and try as hard as you can to be sympathetic don't pitty them but sympathize with the hard journey they've fought and have a head of them. Not only in getting pregnant but staying pregnant.
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So while I say FU infertility. I extend so many hugs and love to those impacted by you. May they find the strength and HOPE they need to endure your wrath. May they come out on top with

Yes, FU infertility, I hope one day you will be but a word in the history books. I hope with everything I am, be it as unrealistic as it may be, that you, you are eradicated.

Not so truly yours,
Amanda