Faces of Infertility and Loss - Nora's Story and Letter

Intro Into Nora's Story:
Nick and I got married February 2nd, 2013. (I was ovulating on our wedding day, so our first cycle started January)

We are newly weds, I was finishing my licensing for work last year, and Nick transferred after 12 years from the Army to the Airforce. He will be training this October in Texas for three months.

Nick never actually responded to this letter. Which terrified me. However the next month he went to my first Creighton class, surprised me with knowing the answers to the questions (he had studied up), and now administers my 4 post peak HCG shots every month because there is no way I could watch it go in me! He changed over night after this letter. Although he never verbally said anything, or wrote me back... he instantly started supporting me. For example, when my sister in law announced she was pregnant, he simply walked over and wrapped his arm around me. Last month my best friend and I talked for 15 minutes very excitedly about her positive pregnancy test over the phone, and then I hung up and sat down... then started bawling because I simply was confused why I was broken. He moved over on the couch and hugged me and told me I wasn't broken and we would be fine. He held my hand for the rest of the night. I will never forget that.

I didn't realize that he simply didn't know HOW to calm me down. Now I feel so much better, because I am not taking this on alone. We have hope, and we will have our family

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Dear Nick,

I don’t know where to start but I needed to speak with you, without crying, or getting defensive or making you upset with me. Agh, seriously, I don’t know where to start. I wish I could express to you the emotion that I go through, or the things that run through my head.

Let me start out by saying, I love you. More than I can express, even though I try to say it a million times. My days are better, and I am a stronger person because you are in my life and I whole heartedly mean that. I know we will have many journeys together, and life will be fulfilling because I know I have you to go through it with.

Growing up I always wanted to be a wife and mother. Family is number one to me, and you know that. I thrive around the people I love most. Your success, your happiness and the happiness of our family seriously makes me feel like I am doing something right. That may sound silly, but it does. At the end of the day I could spend every moment with our families and with you and be content. Most of all I thank God, literally every day, to have you as my family and I couldn’t be more blessed.

I am going to be honest. When we got married I pictured you and I having a blast, ruling the world, talking easily together and overcoming all life’s obstacles, because it is you and I… and we rule like that. I feel we are very realistic and open and honest and truthful to one another. We have had two sets of parents who rocked at being husband and wives to each other and were great examples as well. I never thought it would be hard for me to talk with you about something. Until we started being open to having a baby.

Obsessing over this topic comes too easily for me, and we both know that. I also know it isn’t good for either of us if I do and I am really trying not to. I promise. I just need you to understand all the emotion in it for me, so that you understand how to support me when I need it.

I am terrified to talk with you about this topic, and it meant a lot to have you come with me Thursday to the doctor. I was really nervous to have you there to be honest and I don’t know why, but I knew I would need you one way or the other and it really made me feel like we were a team, and you and I were together going into it.

I am simply scared. There is no other way to put it. I think I assumed it was going to be easier to have a baby, because we have done everything the right way and when it didn’t happen when we were “not preventing” it started to worry me. Then it just grew from there.

To you, it may seem irrational, or too soon to worry and stupid to stress. But honey, I seriously can’t help it. I want to give you a family so badly. That’s all I want to be honest. If someone could say “In 18 months you two will be pregnant or will adopt” I would go about my day NOT being scared, because I would be fine knowing that for sure it will happen. But that’s not how it works, and so I feel helpless, when I like to be in control.

I want to have a family with you more than I want to achieve my career goals, or live in a big house, or travel. I want to have a little one who makes messes on the floor, who plays in the garage and watches you work on cars, a little one to fall asleep on our lazy Mona, and feed her their food. I want a little one who we can take camping, and you can teach them how to start a fire, and I can teach them how to make homemade pasta for their Dad. I want to go on walks, and take them down the slide, teach them their prayers and to run to you when you walk in the door from work. I want them to be stubborn and strong willed like us, to the point of frustration, where you’re laughing at me and reminding me that I asked for this.

I know we will somehow, but the unknown terrifies me and there is no way I can stop myself from being afraid. I don’t know how to handle it. I feel so strongly that I need to talk with you about being afraid, or when I struggle. But just approaching you scares the hell out of me because I don’t want you to think I am stupid, or silly, or crazy.

I have gotten better since working out, the not obsessing about it. I think I have been too busy these last three months to really think about it too much. But that doesn’t mean it is easy for me every day and I know you know that already. I will be good for a couple weeks. Then right before I start my period… I wonder. Then when my period does come it’s a wave of
-fear for the “what ifs”
- Jealousy of all those around me who have what I want so badly
-anxiety over whether something is wrong with me
- sadness for the emptiness I feel because of how desperately I wanted
- Even somehow relief over not being at “that point” yet
- And excitement for there to be another chance and more time for just you and I.

In ONE moment I feel a million things and it is overwhelming. It doesn’t mean I don’t have hope, or don’t think it’s all worth it, because within a day or so it all goes away and I am fine till the next month comes. But … in one moment I literally picture you and I raising a baby that I want to give you, picture every one of my close friends who are pregnant or just had a baby, picture us struggling with this for longer than we think we will.

Agh.. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s just such an emotional process for me. There is good in it too. I feel in one year we have come so much closer and a lot of it is because I feel as though I NEED you to be here by my side. Whether you think it is obsessive or not when you hear it.

It may not always have been pretty, but every time we work through something together, every time we go to mass together or pray together, every time you grab my hand or hug me tightly, every time you wink at me, wrap your arms around me, help me with the dishes, joke about how hilarious I am, or just do those little things… I am reminded just how strong our life together is. I know we are way more open than what we would have been not trying to grow our family, because feeling all of these emotions has forced me to be upfront right away, whether I am nervous or not. It has always paid off too. I don’t know if I would have so quickly been able to talk about work stress or plans so openly, or talk about my dreams of our family.

God has given us more grace in one year than some couples ever experience, that I am certain of.

I am still scared honey. This topic of “what if” is an uncomfortable one for me and that is why I need you. It dwells in my mind, even when I try to push it away. When I said my vows to you though, I promised myself that I would trust you with my whole heart and soul to care for me. I know that you will be here for me through it all, just as willing as I would be there for you. I know you love me so much and care about me, and … I think… when you hear me stress about this, just like with anything else, it makes you mad because you know “there is nothing we can do about it and we just have to wait and see”.

I’m still just scared.

I think that I am coming across wrong when I am talking to you about it. When I come to you on this, I am terrified to even talk about it. I’m scared you will shove it away or say not to worry, because you don’t want me to think about it. But that doesn’t help me not worry, it just makes me feel alone and crazy. Infertility is seriously my greatest fear in life and I can’t change that, even if I tried.

I want you to know though that I am not all doom and gloom about it, I just only express the doom and gloom, because that’s when I need you there for me. I know we will have a family, and I know it will happen when the time is right, and that is probably what makes the few hard days harder. Because I can see us with a family. I picture it very vividly. Those day dreams are seriously so amazing and get me so excited and give me so much hope and joy.

I don’t know how I really want to end this letter. I just…. I need to hear your support. I know you may not understand just how much of a rollercoaster, or WHY it is such a roller coaster for me. But I have come to the conclusion... it just is, no matter how much I try to control my emotions. And I need you Nick. Please just hug me, and tell me some day we will have a family whether that is 5 years or ten years or next month, and that it is okay to want to move forward. Please just tell me that you are here for me, and that you love me and that you want a family with me too. I know all of this is true, but on those bad days, I panic and get scared. It helps to hear these things because it assures me that you are in this with me, no matter how easy or bumpy it is. Heck in one moment everything can change. Who knows maybe this month will be our month, or maybe we will have a Texas souvenir when I come visit you on base next year.. Or maybe 12 months, or 36 months or whenever will be our time. But in those moments of my own self-doubt, I just need a hug and you to say “We got this babe” because I know that we do. I just need to verbally hear it from you, so I am not afraid and feeling like I am taking it on all alone.

I love you so much. I hope you have a great day honey.

Your girl,

Nora
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