Faces of Infertility and Loss - Ryanne's Story and Letters

Ryanne is another online friend of mine who has more grace than two of me put together. She's a person who wears her heart on her sleeve and seems to always try to put herself in others shoes. She's one of those women who you just instantly connect with. Today I share her story and letters. Thank you Ryanne for sharing with us today! 

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Our Story: 

Hi! My name is Ryanne and my husband and I have been married since 2008. We started our TTC journey in 2011, and had a miscarriage in 2013. We are now starting out fertility treatment with a doctor who practices NaPro Technology. I blog over at www.girlryanne.blogspot.com, documenting our journey and all the challenges that go along with it. I'm writing to two people today, but I promise to keep them short!

Dear K, 

I just wanted to say thank you for being there over these last two years. You've listened to me rant and rave about temperatures and sex, cervical fluid and pee sticks without complaint. You've let me vent my frustrations, and not been afraid to tell me exactly what you think. I have needed that more than you probably realize because frankly, this journey sucks sometimes! 

I also want to tell you that I am crazy excited about being an aunt again! I'm so glad that you aren't going through the same stuff I am, and I can't wait to meet your little one. I'll be honest, at first I wasn't sure how I was going to get through the next 8 months. Let's face it--to be struggling with infertility while your best friend is having a baby is really hard. There are some things that I know will be really, really hard for me. But I promise to be there. I promise to stick it out and be supportive. Not only because you would do the same for me, but also because I want to. 

I love you so much! 

Dear M, 

I know that our relationship has been rocky the last few years. It probably has something to do with us both being firstborn women or something like that. But I'd love for it to be better. So I tried opening up to you about some of my frustrations with TTC. And honestly...I kind of regret it. 

I regret it because you let me down. Instead of being supportive you tried to be controlling...and then you told me that you were "done" talking about it when I didn't agree with you.

I expressed my frustration and disappointment, and you told me to get a second opinion when I've only given this doctor a couple of months and a single round of treatment. This stuff doesn't work overnight, and I told you that. I didn't say I wasn't open to it, I just said not now.

You told me that I need to not think about it so much, to stop wasting my brain, to go back to work. 

You told me that I'm consumed.

Well here's the thing. Getting a different job, trying to distract myself...none of that means anything when your empty due date rolls around, or the one year anniversary of your loss, or another year of TTC. None of that helps on Mother's Day, or Father's Day. None of that makes a difference as you watch your niece and your friends' kids grow up...the kids that you hoped would be best friends with yours. You act like it's a trivial thing that I need to pretend doesn't bother me. You don't understand. You'll never understand. You gave birth to seven live children and never even had to try. You never had a miscarriage. You will never understand how this feels, what it's like to live with something like infertility. 

And do you know what? I left my job because I hated it. I love being home. I'm able to accomplish all kinds of stuff during the week so that I have free weekends. I'm using my brain working on cultivating our garden, learning to preserve the produce, because learning to be self sufficient is important to us. I'm even able to work on the side doing that "really cool job" now and then--it's lined up as we speak. Just because I don't have a career doesn't mean that I'm wasting my brain and being unproductive. Just so you know.

So maybe I am a little bit "consumed". But that's because in order to even have the chance of getting help, I have to keep track of every cycle day every single month. Temperatures, ovulation tests, supplements, meds, shots, timing sex for the best possible chance. All to fail again and again and again. I think you would be consumed too. 

So you want to be "done" talking about it? I can't believe that you are so narrow minded and controlling that you would tell me that. It's this kind of ignorance that keeps people from talking about their struggles--because people like you shut us down and make us feel less than whole. All this? It doesn't even begin to cover how hurt I am. I feel so betrayed by you--one of the people I should be able to count on most. 

Well, I learned my lesson. I can't count on you. I can't talk to you. It hurts me so much to even write that out, but it's true.